Midnight-
My heart aches for you in this post.
It feels like you have worked yourself in the middle between a rock and a hard place.
I read this and read into it that you feel like you are not in a bad situation, you are a bad person because of the situation you are in.
For me it was most clear in the spot on meditation.....
For me the purpose of meditation is to go inward and to be curious with whatever is there....the good stuff, and the bad stuff. Whipping myself because I have not done it for me is the opposite of the purpose of mediation.
I know you are in a tough spot, but I don't think that is because of you, your faults or your shame.
Sending loving thoughts to you.
Also I am curious about something. I think you quit drinking using one type of recovery, and sweets with another.....could the bingeing behavior need another type of recovery for you? I ask only because at times "failing" at AVRT seems to be part of what you heap on yourself.....where I in your posts see all the hard work you have done, and how far you have come as only steps toward success.