MidnightBlue

Thanks, pals.

LifeRecovery, Jeni - I think you are both right.

Liferecovery - I love what you said "It was actually being with my feelings instead of stuffing them away for me to deal with them as food later. For me the only way through it was through."

Yes, exactly - stuffung feelings away, and then to deal with them as food, and then food all over my body to remind me about this vicious circle.

This wicked thinking I have - that if I am just in bed watching a good movie, face to face with my feeling - it's "foolish" and waste of time. But if I am eating - than I am doing something. It's all about fuss, illusion of "action". Also eating had been my "secure zone" for a long time. When a kid, when I was sitting at the table having dinner of any other meal it was like the most "untroubled" time of the day, and I always wanted to extend it. As if the kitchen table was some magical circle, and I was afraid to leave it.
And it's surely better just to stay in bed than to stay in bed stuffing myself up.


Jeni - I agree as well, staying in bed can be a slippery slope, and just getting myself outside can help. I think, for me it's all about balance, balance inside myself.

It's weird, I've been told so many times here that there's no use to debate with AV, but somehow I always end there. Today I suddenly realize that whatever it says to me - it's a lie. It's a conman. Someone who will tell me every lie possible to trick me into binge eating. And I am like a 'real good girl" believe everything it tell me wearing different masks. I am constantly believing a hardcore criminal whose place behind the bars.

Again - back to basics, back to recognition, back to not listening, back to not debating. Back to earplugs for this "sirene" and cage for the beast.

Bloss - glad to see you. Sorry about insomnia, it's so weary. Hope you'll have a sound sleep soon)


Thank you again for support, pals.

See you tomorrow.

Jeni26

A new day...a new opportunity to live the life YOU want MB, not the life your beast wants for you. It would love for you to be isolated away from the world so it can whisper its lies to you.

Don't listen. Don't engage. Make a list of achievable things to do today and go for it.

Badass remember?

Love and hugs.

Jen x

Hope you slept better Bloss.

MidnightBlue

Thank you, Jeni.

Yes, a new day and a new start. And a good idea about the list.

Badass. I remember)

Have a good day)

bloss

Hey pals

yep, slept better last night. So tired, fell asleep more quickly than the usual. Had a dust up with the AV last night regarding chocolate, it didn't win completely. I kept to a smallish serving and felt satisfied with that. Have a good Tuesday everyone.
Bloss

MidnightBlue

Hi, pals.

I am writing this post because I want this to be a reminder how BAD I FEEL AFTER THE EATING BINGE!!!

Yes, I proceeded today - I just ate up all the leftovers from yesterday. Why? Because I can't toss food. I wrote about this in earlier posts.

I felt so physically bad today. I punished myself again. I got myself fooled by AV and the beast and punished myself.

I plunged in self-pity again yesterday. Why? Why in the hell would I feel self-pity?!!!!!

I am smart, strong, and almost healthy. Yes, I've had my share of bad luck and bad things in life, but they are gone, they are in the past. There's no reason whatsoever to feel pity for myself. And there's no reason to punish myself.

I gave away an unopened box of chocolates that was left.

To recognize AV and don't listen. Recognize and don't listen. Recognize and don't listen.... I have to make it my mantra, my motto.

The close I am to my goals, the more fierce is AV...

Ok. Another start.

bloss

Good share M.B.

Putting on my list on desk

Recognize, don't listen

Recognize, don't be fooled

Jeni26

Hey MB.

Listen to it..recognise it....you have heard that voice before. It is the one that lies to you, the one that takes advantage of your low moods or even your happy ones, it will look for any opportunity to get a foot in the door. It uses your past, your uncertainties, your anxieties. It will use ANYTHING to get to you. Remember?

Then separate from it..IT ISN'T YOU. It has no power without you. You are the strong one. It has only words. You have all the action.

You can do this. You WILL DO THIS. There can be no doubt in your mind. I can feel with every battle you are growing stronger and it is getting weaker.

Go girl x

Bloss-I smiled at your description of having a dust up with your AV. Cool. Hope you left it reeling a bit x

MidnightBlue

Thank you, Jeni)

Have a great day, my pal.

MidnightBlue

Hi, pals.

Fighting extremely low self-esteem today. Somehow my thoughts are narrow-minded and focused on my flaws, mistakes and drawbacks. I am beating myself up about not managing to succeed in "real world". And cant' find power to revert this process of self-destructing.

All my actions are paralyzed by some mindset that I am doomed for failure.

I hate myself for ranting and whipmering but I am in such a loss.

But the one thing I know for sure - I am not going to binge. I am not going to even have anything of "comforting" food because every time I turn to it, I escape the fighting and accept my defeat.

I feel tears rolling down because I feel helpless. I feel like hitting the wall with my bare hand again and again because I want to be alive, to feel anything but hopelessness and paralysis, let it be even pain.

I feel like I am falling deeper and deeper into emotional pit with less and less light seen.

Thank you all for listening to this.

EternalQ

I'm sorry you're in that spot. I've been there. I haven't read this thread but wanted to tell you I used AVRT for my hopeless/ helpless and worthless feelings. Any such thought I worked at labeling as my h/h/w addictive thought and I detached from it and gave it its own voice and said it was not me. Just like with the addictive voice. I would say tthat's the hopelessness voice talking or whatever. If I starve it it won't hang around. It was hard to do but it worked... much like avrt. Hope this helps. Big hugs!

MidnightBlue

Thank you so much, Eternal.

I am trying to detach myself from this hopelessness thoughts and feelings. I presume I'm just at the very early stage of this, so this is so hard to do. I hope it's the darkest hour that will be followed by a bright colorful dawn.

Thank you for all the support you've been giving me from my very first steps here)

Jeni26

I'm sorry MB. I've been where you are too. I agree totally with EternalQ here. This is what I've learned to do too. It has helped me so much during a difficult work time when every day I was being asked to do something that was way beyond my comfort zone. Instead of panicking, I took a few moments to take some deep breaths. I focused on my breathing, listened to it. I remembered that the voice that told me I couldn't do it was a liar. I had proved that many times before.

There are other aspects to my daily routine. Mine involves prayer and meditation too. But, to concentrate on the AV. I found it such a useful tool to do just as Eternal suggests...put all those doubts and negative self-talk in the same box as you put your binge eating and I put my smoking. It all comes from the same place. Shut the lid. Walk out of the room.

You are worth so much more than anything it's got to say. Xxx

bloss

Afternoon/evening
Put "it" in a box shut the box and walk out of the room. Yes! I'd heard someone say something similar in the past and guess I just wasn't ready to listen. Take care friends, we are all so worthy of happiness.

LifeRecovery

I have actually been gone a few days....so sorry I am jumping back.

I agree with jeni that any particular behavior can be a dangerous one and put us on a slippery slope. I gave a poor example and more meant to say that my feelings got me in trouble....and stuffing them got me in more trouble. For me some behaviors went together (feeling low, wanting ice cream, and not moving from the bed). When I finally dealt with the fact that feeling low is a normal part of existence I got to realize that the other two did not have to go hand in hand.

I actually had a therapy session where I got to picture putting stuff in boxes and putting them up on shelves (not to stuff, but to work on later). I did the imagery with my therapist....and at the end of the session did some imagery about what I was going to do for myself right then and there. Before that session I felt like I was trying to juggle so much that I could never tell which end was up and down.

The more that I have now looked into AVRT by the way I think it is similar/actual to what Jeni Schaefer talks about in how she beat her battle with food. I will send you the titles soon.

I hope all are feeling better.

Jeni26

3 months of not smoking, and the craving is back big time. I'm totally back to square 1. Deep breathing, feeling anxious and short tempered....aargh. Why the hell is this happening?? The beast is back. I'm never gonna be free of this....

MidnightBlue

Hi, all.

Jeni, it should be some "three months milestone symptom". I've been on binge all this week. And I am getting a brand new fresh start today.

I am writing amendments to my Big Plan - coming tomorrow, turned out too long.

Now - YOU WILL GET FREE OF THIS. YOU ARE ALREADY FREE OF THIS.

The beast is in agony. In total agony. It gathers all its shabby unreal fake army and tries to scare you.

It turns your own power against you.

But it's just voice even though it's masquerading like real feelings.

It's just stupid f****ing voice which goal is the only and ultimate one - to ruin you, to slave you, to make you its prisoner.

DO NOT LISTEN!!!! DO NOT LISTEN!!!!

You are strong, smart, brave, genuine badass. You've proved it many times.

You've been watching scary movie, You heart was chasing, your anxiety has been through the roof, and there was a hell on the screen. But the movie is over, lights are on and darkness is gone so is the hell.

You are walking outside, enjoying fresh air and a beautiful evening.

You are smiling.

All is fine.

And that's the real life. That's the REAL JENI.

Stay strong, my badass pal.

Jeni26

I haven't bloody smoked since the day I quit.... 3 months. Why now?? I have faced all sorts of difficult situations and not caved.



Thanks MB. Gonna have an early night and hope this will all go away.

Feeling angry with myself for wavering. Smoking will kill me if I let it.

MidnightBlue

Have a good rest, Jeni.

And don't feel angry with yourself - it will just give power to AV.

Why now? Because the beast is devious and it may lay low to take off your guard. And then show up and take us aback.

You are not wavering, you are fighting.

I hope tomorrow you will feel a lot time better.

Hugs to you.

bloss

Hey Pals
Doing alright out here in CA. It is the weekend and harder regarding food, the alcohol "beastie" seems to be staying quiet. No power to negative self talk, power to positive self talk. Have a good weekend
K

MidnightBlue

Hi, pals.

Jeni - how are you doing today, my friend?

Bloss - glad you cut the power to negative talk!

Amendments to the Big Plan

Ok, I think it's time to make amendments to my Big Plan.

After all, almost every bill goes with amendments.

Recently I've been getting down and down the slippery slope - this week has been almost a continous binge of sweets. I need this to stop. I am unhappy.

I think previously I've been somewhat "sugarcoating" my big plan. Not being harsh enough, not being "badass" enough. I've been playing "good girl" with the Beast leaving some place for retreat and deviation where the beast successfully fits in and stabbing my back every time it has a chance.

I rationalized about my Big Plan. I was somewhat afraid that other members would think I am a bit "kooky" to AVRT about eating sweets and junk food in excess.

Like this goal wasn’t “noble”, “approved”, worth enough to fight for. Like I am acting out of boredom and have nothing better to do. Like as if I have no other problems in life and no other areas of my life that require improvement. I’ve felt almost guilty about this. Screw it!

I felt like “Maybe someone enjoys it and sees no problem, and here’s you, wise ass, with your anti-cookies Big Plan. Well, I am sorry, if I offend anyone’s feelings. Maybe someone enjoys it, maybe even a lot people enjoy it and see no problem in it, maybe the whole world but me finds it absolutely hilarious, and that’s fine. BUT I FEEL BAD! I SUFFER!!! And it’s my life.
And I am sick and tired of this.

Whatever makes my life better and makes me feel happier - it has every right to be in my life! Let alone that it opened my eyes on so many deep-rooted issues - but that’s rationalization again. Screw rationalization!

And here’s what I promise to myself:

I'll better starve, cry, scream, climb or hit walls, than run to the next door shabby convenient shop at 9 p.m, looking like hell, wearing wrinkled T-shirt, dirty-hair pony-tail, coming back home and unwrapping ice-cream with shaking hands, leaving wrap on the counder , not even bothering to toss it into a garbage can, and literally swallowing an ice-cream, and then the next.

I am setting all the bridges on fire. There is a horizonless ocean behind me. The ugly dilapidated fake town built by the beast is drowning and is getting covered by water. The beast is sitting on the top of the “ivory tower” where I was held a prisoner . And it is scared to death. Not even a spot of solid ground for the beast to settle. And the horizonless ocean in front of me - ocean of other joys and happiness. WITHOUT BEAST.

And now the best is really terrified. It watches the bridges are burning, stripe of land is shrinking and it’s kicking, and screaming, and fighting harsh.
IT IS NOT ME! NO WAY!

The one who loves binges and junk food - IT IS THE BEAST.

Someone, who stays in front of shelves with cheap baked rolls and for some reason "revels" in self-pity that I can only afford this, and that I would be kind of happy to sit at home, again lapping up eating these rolls and sighing about the past, present and future - THIS IS NOT ME!

That's the beast in disguise. That's some composition of wiked fragments of my past, irrational beliefs imposed on me, "thinking viruses", brainwashing and dogmas - all that takes a form of me, pretent to be me, but that's NOT ME!

It's crazy. MOSTLY I don't even want this food. I just stare at it at a supermarket looking for a "piece of joy and happiness" on the shelf. I am feeling unhappy at that moment already, because I know - once I get one I will end up in a binge. Once sugar is kicked out in my body, it will drive me crazy and my willpower will be having damn hard times.

But, like a martyr, I am buying it and putting this burden on my shoulders, sighing and holding my head low, but ready to carry this. Ready to suffer after, just mutually and slavishly accepting that I have no joys in life but this piece of junk food.

Come on.. If to focus on what I've just written... NO JOY BUT JUNK. REALLY?
NO. NO WAY.

IT IS NOT ME!!!


The person who can get up at 5 a.m. to write just because I feel calling for it, endure a hardcore boxing workout and get "kudos" from a trainer for good performance, juggling two jobs, additional education and hell lot of other things, traveling the world alone, fighting for my point of view with directors at my jobs, speaking at the webinars and hosting internet seminar, quitting wine - THAT'S ME!

And, at the same time - empathic, sometimes shy, sometimes hesitant, mostly thin-skinned, anxious, insecure, romantic - THAT'S ME as well. And there's nothing wrong with it, because I am not a machine.

And though the beast keep telling me that "feelings can't be turned into assets" and gives me constant negative talks about me feeling at all - f*** it!

I am accepting my feelings instead of “eating them away”!

Whatever I feel - I am accepting it. It’s me. It’s my feelings. The beast has no f**** right to judge me for my feelings, neither ghosts from my past pretending doing this “just because they wish me good”.

And though some annoying "so-called-rational" voice keeps telling me that I should go wash dishes or do something "useful" instead of writing another post to a newcomer at SR because I feel like this, because I want to help if I can - screw it! It can go and kick all the rocks on the moon! Because that makes me happy!

As far as I am not killing, stealing, harming, abusing in any way someone, I AM FREE TO DO WHAT I WANT TO DO!

I am free to go to damn boxing classes. And though every time the voice in my head which materializes into my Mom's image and tells me that it's just my "quirk", and all "normal" women of my age have families and kids, and spend evening cooking dinners, etc., and that she is ashamed of me and it doesn't give her another reason to be proud of me in front of neighbours and colleagues; that it doesn't fit into "we are "four square" martyrs" facade and beliefs of our family.... I will f****ing do this, because I like it!

I have no idea will I ever get married. But if I do that will be because I will feel like this, not because I am "supposed" to.

I don't care a darn if I look ‘weird”, “creep” or any other way just because my way of life doesn’t’ fall in “normal” pattern. I am bloody tired of it.

I AM WALKING THROUGH FEAR. Even if fear is so strong that terrifies, petrifies, paralyzes, and makes me almost throw up. I will take the challenge and will go. Because of the fear is fierce and ruthless - then I am going towards the right direction.

I AM MEDITATING and practicing positive visualazation EVERY DAY. Starting from 5 minutes a day, but every day. Because the beast hates it. Because when I meditate and practice relaxation, my own inner power is flowing from inside, and mighty powers of the Universe enter my existence without any barriers.

And that’s why the beast keeps telling me that it's "waste of time", hangup, crazy idea. Screw it.

I WILL PLAN MY PAMPERING, JOYS, WEEKENDS, LEISURE ACTIVITES, MEETINGS WITH POSITIVE PEOPLE. Because I do deserve to spend money on a concert, moovie, exhibition, museum, just a nice walk, a cup of coffee in a cafe, and hell lot of other things, rather than just sitting at home and fooling myself that I will spend less money. Who are you fooling here, the beast?

I WILL PUSH MYSELF OUT OF COMFORT ZONE. That comfort zone which is defined by the beast. I am eliminating all the boundaries it set for me. I am an AVRT cosmopolite - I can travel wherever I want to.

But I will develop the comfort zone inside myself - that one that keeps peace of soul, gratitude and tranquility. And from where the beast runs to the hills like a bat out of hell, like a vampire from sunshine and garlic. Because there's too much light there, light of my soul, and all good people who live on the Earth, and light of all the start in the Universe, and the beast can't stand this light.

I will dare. I will challenge. I will take shots. I will fail and succeed, but I will move on.

And one more thing for now.

And I never did the homework my badass pal Jeni gave me - to Stop thinking about all the self-improvement just for an hour or so and be silly, extravagant, outrageous. Then the self-improvement bit doesn't seem like hard work but something you WANT to do instead.
.
It’s high time to do it!!! I’ve been procrastinating about it because the beast hates it. It likes that I am mostly so serious, and that wears me out, and my defense is down, and there’s a chance for it to attack.

And I almost gave up on the photo shoot I’d planned.

NO WAY! My new date - October 10.

It will be my gift to myself for one year of sobriety. And I am putting it on my calendar.

Ok, I still have a lot to say, but I think that will do for today, and it’s time to take actions.

See you all later)

Have a great sober weekend!