the truth

Old 06-13-2015, 02:02 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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[QUOTE=tomsteve;5419137]No, I am not on my own. THAT attitude is,what kept me drunk. Doing things my way under my conditions= drunken doom and gloom outlook.
Active addiction and alcoholism is lonely.
Recovery isn't. If I choose it not to be.[/QUO

Active addiction is lonely, but so is recovery. I have put myself out many times to connect with people, and it doesn't work. It's not as easy as it sounds. Keep trying, sure. But it's only human nature to go back to what works after constant failure. They say digging a hole with drinking will only lead to more problems. So is digging a hole trying to connect with people. Eventually you get tired of digging that hole. You know there are caring people down there, but you can't get to them.
Lets face it. Some people are really alone and others are not. Some people say they are alone, but talk about getting together with friends or family. That's not alone. Alone is only talking to people at grocery stores . Now that's alone. Trying to connect with people at AA meetings only to be turned away is lonely. Now that's being alone. I spend most of my day being by myself. I've tried very hard to make this different, but never worked out. If I die tomorrow, nobody would care, and that's a fact. This is not a poor me post. Many people have it worst than me. I am lucky to be in the situation I'm in. But dead is dead.
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Old 06-13-2015, 02:20 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Hi 2much. I'm sorry that you are in so much pain.
I too am very much alone. The only person I have in my life is my son who is almost 21 and has his own life. I only get to see him twice a week and even then he often has plans with his friends.
You know, I was just as lonely when I was drinking. Since I've stopped over 6 months ago I am still lonely, but see things with much better clarity. I've found peace and serenity being by myself.

I also know that being sober I have a much better shot at meeting people and developing a fulfilling life instead of drowning my sorrows in a bottle of booze. Drinking isn't the way to solve any of our problems.

Maybe we need to take a leap of faith and get out there and join a club, volunteer, etc. to give meaning and purpose to our lives. Let's give it a shot
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Old 06-13-2015, 03:43 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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I was placed into the hands of those
in a rehab hospital, facility, by my own
family because no one knew how to
care of me.

I was someone that was sick in mind
and body who tried to end my failure
of a life as a mom and wife.

It took the authorities to pick me
up under a court order to take me
to the hospital for a mental evaluation.

Yes, I was tested and my mind was
fine. However, I was told I had an
addiction problem. A sickness that
could be treated with the use of a
recovery program that they would
teach me.

Since I didn't have a mental problem
I was able to open my mind, my ears,
listen, learn, absorb and apply some
valuable useful recovery steps and
principles to incorporate in my everyday

28 days in rehab gave me a good
start or launching pad to begin living
my life one day at a time without
alcohol that was killing me.

I couldn't begin to stay sober by myself
because I tried so many times and failed.
I took me to surrender. To completely
surrender my will and life over to those
who could teach me how to live life sober
for those first 28 days and when I returned
home to my family to live life on lifes terms.

No one will tell you that it is easy
in the beginning. In order to achieve
what so many of us have today, that
happiness, contentment, healthy,
serenity, honesty, etc, is the daily
work we put into our recovery.

It's doing whatever we need to do
to remain sober that day. It's
following suggestions that many
pass on to us, its going that extra
mile, all to the best of our ability
to remain sober that day.

I had to keep putting one foot
in front of the other, driving myself
to meetings that lasted one hour.
One little hour listening to others
speak about recovery to pick up
one little something that I could
take home with me and would give
me hope to remain sober.

If so many learned to stay sober for
as long as they have then I wanted
that too. If they learned ways to be
healthy, happy and honest in all their
affairs then I wanted that too.

I wanted more than anything to
be able to live life in peace and serenity.

They suggested that I grab a hold
of this recovery and hold on tight
for the ride of my sober life and I
did. I held on tight not loosening the
reigns as my life depended on it.

Today some 24 yrs sober, I pass on
to you that there is hope for anyone
willing to hold on and listen, learn,
absorb and apply a recovery program
to achieve what I have achieved along
with many many other members in
recovery have achieved.

If we can get where we are today
then there is hope for you and others
out there who want to be sober or
clean more than anything else in
this world.

Surrender, willingness an openmind,
heart and soul for happiness, healthy,
serenity and peace of mind.
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Old 06-13-2015, 03:55 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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We do have to be there for ourselves and in the day to day it comes down to OUR choice.

But support can be so essential to that choice.... Especially during the challenging early days of habit change and rewiring our brains to sobriety.
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Old 06-13-2015, 05:01 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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God I remember that feeling of just wanting it to be all over, the despair. I would never have done anything, but wished for it. What an absolutely awful place to be. I'm sorry for your pain. I also remember feeling so lonely that I reached out and asked a couple of places if I could volunteer as I knew I was isolating too much and needed something else, mind you I had a job and some social interaction but I still felt tremendously alone - never heard back from them which was surprising but I mention it as a possibility. All that said, maybe volunteering in a soup kitchen or something like that would help?
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Old 06-13-2015, 05:56 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Very sad. You are Not taking care of you at all.
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Old 06-13-2015, 06:08 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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I am very sorry you are hurting so much again, 2much, and that you went back to drinking. Others have already said to you most of what I could, will just add an observation that you expressed extremely similar things several times even a year or more ago... I know it's hard to handle difficult challenges alone but... you know, I somehow have hard time believing that the world and the human race is so sinister that all your efforts to find compassion and help are turned down. People in recovery seem to report quite the opposite here, from all around the world. I think I must have told you this before, but I believe it's more about how you seek support, how you relate to others first. There must be something if you consistently experience rejection, something other than what's seeded in the external world. I don't know what might be the best way for you to find out, but I feel quite confident in my perception.

I really hope that you manage to snap out of this current state. You see how many people care even just here on SR?
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Old 06-13-2015, 06:28 AM
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Kind of a chicken and egg scenario. You feel bad, drink to feel better, feel worse, drink more.... etc. I know you posted this last night when you were drinking and the alcohol came through your writing very clearly. Hopefully you will feel a bit better today.

You forum name is pretty telling. You are and have been in a lot of pain. I am sorry that you feel so lonely and hurt. It seems as though you are looking for something externally to fill a void that is internal. I know that feeling myself. I have spent so many years looking for "something" in my life to fill the "hole in my soul" but to no avail. I have tried education to try and dissect my life. Didn't work. I have tried throwing myself into my work. Didn't work. Booze, nope. Family and friends could only do so much. I finally realized that like you said we are on our own. But that is not such a bad place to be. People, circumstances, life changes constantly. If we have a core center that is fortified, our true self, then we can manage these seemingly random changes of the universe.

I hope that you can find a way to sooth and solve your pain John. Booze will just open up the wound again. People really do care you know. Open yourself up a it and try to see it.
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Old 06-13-2015, 06:44 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Great advice here.

Just want to add that I am among those who care about you.
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Old 06-13-2015, 06:49 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by 2muchpain View Post
I don't want anybody to think I am promoting drinking as a way to deal with your problems. I don't, and I know it only makes things worse. But sadly, it does make things go away for a while. I know that when I wake up, all the problems I had before are still there so I don't know why I bother to do this, but sometimes, it just seems to make sense in a way. It's a relief to forget for a while, but the price for that short term relief is enormous. Being alone is so painful. I don't know how to describe it. It hurts a lot. A broken leg hurts a lot. Back pain is tough. This kind of pain hurts all over and never ends. Drinking is like putting an ice-pack on my head. Like I said before, I won't end my life on purpose but I do wish something would happen to end this pain. I've had a good life. I'm ready to go. Enough is enough. John
It seems like you are thinking clearly. It's just that it is depressing when someone states that he believes his time on earth is over. Most people believe there is a solution that you have not yet discovered that can change your thinking.
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Old 06-13-2015, 06:55 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Try viewing the world from a different perspective. We're all alone, but all together at the same time. Maybe try meditation, and help ground yourself back to reality / the universe. Embrace the simplest of human interactions that take place on a daily basis, as you watch the energy flow between the two of you.

Listen to the wind, feel the rain drops, embrace the sunlight, the birds chirping, and all that good stuff. Sounds corny, I know, but it does work.

You're not alone. You're in the middle of an absolutely amazing world filled with tons of beautiful, living, breathing energy all around you. You just need to open your eyes in order to see it.
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Old 06-13-2015, 07:05 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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I really don't know what to say other than I hope you are in a better state today. I have felt the same feelings so you are not alone. Thinking about you.
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Old 06-13-2015, 07:10 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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It seems to me that some people really struggle in their sobriety, myself included. There are members on these forums who have found a way to stay sober, and they emanate a light of hope and purpose. Then you have people who really have a hard time with it, even though they believe they have tried using the tools. I really struggle myself, but I choose not to give up. Similar to you, I don't know if I will make it, as life sometimes seems too much for me. But I continue to explore - I look at my food intake, I look at exercise, I come up with my own eccentric theories about life that other people think are a little crazy, and I also read about groups and programs that are not as popular as AA or SMART. In other words, I continue to grasp for air because sometimes that is all I feel I can do. I encourage you to continue grasping like I do, and just maybe you will find something.
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Old 06-13-2015, 07:54 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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John, I am sorry you are feeling so lonely and in pain. Drinking won't help that, but you already know that. I hope you can find peace in your life.
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Old 06-13-2015, 09:06 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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Hello John,

I am not sure what I can add here except to say I have been in your shoes, I am struggling daily but mostly I wanted to tell you that you are not alone.
I am starting to learn that we have to take some responsibility for ourselves, whether it be AA, or this site that we are using as a tool for support and guidance..... at the end of the day we have to look in the mirror and choose to give ourselves just one more day without a drink nobody else can do that for us.
I know how scary that is because I am living that right now as well.

I hope you will choose to stay close here for the time being and let some of the others with much better advice than I could give you help you stay above water today.
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Old 06-13-2015, 09:10 AM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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Thanks guys for all your support. I really wasn't expecting it. Figured I'd get a few responses and that was it. I think the problem I had with a guy at an AA meeting the other day kinda triggered this (not putting down AA).
I don't feel lonely as much as just feeling alone. I actually like my own company. Unfortunately others don't seem to agree. I know the problem is with me, not others. I think my frustration has to do with not knowing why this is the way it is. If someone would just tell me, than I could work on it. I think I'm a pretty friendly person, willing to help others, etc., but that doesn't seem to make any difference. Just don't get it. Hard to work on a problem when you don't know what the problem is. Sometimes, I feel like standing up in a meeting and say something like what is it about me that turns people off. It's not like I'm rude or bother anybody. Anyways, I know things will get better and this is just a bump in the road. I'm making plans on getting out and doing stuff, and that should help. It just would be nice to have someone else to do that stuff with. Lets face it, you can only talk to yourself so much before it gets boring. LOL. John
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Old 06-13-2015, 09:43 AM
  # 37 (permalink)  
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Hey man. I've felt the same way at meetings. Being alone in a group of people. At about 2 or 3 months I was really struggling with that. And there was one guy that always chaired the same meeting that I just didn't jive with. I almost quit. Thankfully I dug in at that point. I found two meetings weekly that I liked and stuck with those. I worked the steps with a good sponsor. I've almost got a year now and things are really good. And that guy I couldn't stand that I thought hated me. Well it turns out we are just alike. The problem was he is just as socially awkward as I am. I still don't feel like I fit in much but in ok with that now. I see things differently than I used to. There is hope but you have to work hard and be stubborn. Don't give up!
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Old 06-13-2015, 09:50 AM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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Hey John, my life can be very alone too sometimes, I live on my own, no kids, no wife, I go to work, then come home to an empty house, and that is what I kept telling myself when I continued to drink, I wasn't hurting anyone else, I had no responsibility to anyone else, and if I died, who would mind, there would be no consequences.

But what about us, about me and you, what about our life or the life that we want, surely me and you, we deserve something more, a slice of happiness that maybe others over there seem to be having.

That is why I gave up drinking as I knew I wouldn't find it at the bottom of a bottle, instead maybe I might find it in Sobriety. I'd still be drinking now if I continued to dwell on the things I don't have and not on what I could achieve and build on the foundation of Sobriety.

Sure I still come home to an empty house, but I'm definitely in a better place, and that leap of faith is tough at first, but it worked.

Hang in there John!!
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Old 06-13-2015, 09:59 AM
  # 39 (permalink)  
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John-I am relieved you are okay. I was really worried about you.
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Old 06-13-2015, 10:04 AM
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Thumbs up

Originally Posted by strategery View Post
John-I am relieved you are okay. I was really worried about you.
me too (((John)))
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