the truth
 

Lets face it, your on your own. You can reach out to AA. SR or other programs but at the end of the day, you are left to your own devices to stay sober. All these programs are great for support but can only do so much. I believe recovery comes from what a person does outside these programs. I'm drinking now because I depended on these programs too much. Not having family or friends to support me, I have to depend on myself for strength. No self-pity here, just reality. I've managed to overcome problems in the past on my own so I know I can do the same thing with drinking, although I've realized it's a lot tougher than other challenges. I was raised to be a survivor. I can live on very little if I have to. No problem. Depending on self is key to survival. I see a lot of people depend on others' to get by only to end up disappointed and lost.
Addiction is a lonely disease. For those that have family or friends to support them, you are lucky and I hope you know that. For others like me, it's really a crap shoot. It really doesn't affect anybody if I drink or die. It really doesn't, and I did it to myself. Staying sober just for me sometimes doesn't make sense. Staying drunk for me does sometimes. John

I don't think this is true John.

I think you're drinking , at least partly, because you've convinced yourself you need a specific set of circumstances to get sober.

There is no end of support here, and it's 24/7.

I know you crave real personal interaction and I get that - but drinking is not going to bring that possibility closer - it's actually going to push it farther away.

D

That is really morose - understandable, since that's what alcohol makes us believe.

Sad, though.

I have no family and the friends I do have are drinkers, so I can't really rely on them for sobriety support. I have no significant other. I don't drink. There are times I think about it - but I don't want to go back to that sad place in my mind that alcohol takes me. It really causes nothing but darkness and a loneliness that cannot be cured in a room full of people.

I do think this site can help you if you let it...let us.

Get out of your own head and do something to change your situation. Yes. You have to save your own life. We all do.

This is true, but I've found that support and encouragement makes staying sober much easier.

I believe if you can sustain a period of sobriety and develop relationships that don't involve alcohol you will 1) find support and 2) have people who do care if you drink or die. But that takes time.

Of course, you have all of us here at SR, and I'm sure many people here do care if you drink or die and are more than willing to offer support. I understand this medium isn't quite the same as face-to-face relationships, but in life we often have to work with the hand we've been dealt. Personally, I've always enjoyed the challenge of attempting to build something with the parts I have available.

No, I am not on my own. THAT attitude is,what kept me drunk. Doing things my way under my conditions= drunken doom and gloom outlook.
Active addiction and alcoholism is lonely.
Recovery isn't. If I choose it not to be.

Sorry to hear your are drinking again 2much. I agree with you that it takes some personal responsibility to remain sober, but relying on a recovery program or outside help is essential too. You matter to all of us here, and many here are also alone and staying sober. Don't is being alone as an excuse.

The pain of being alone is unreal. You can cut it with a knife. It just gets tiring reaching out and being turned away. I just don't get it and don't know why it ends up this way. All I want is to be accepted. I think I'm pretty nice guy. I'm always willing to help others, listen to others, etc., but that seems to be where it ends. Maybe my efforts helps others, and I feel good about that, but in the end, I'm alone. Nobody asked how I'm doing and if I need anything. I just don't get it. I'm not blaming others for my situation. Somehow, I ended up here. I'm drinking now because I have to take care of me and my feelings. All I have is me to take care of me. If I have cold, I take care of me. if I have the flu, I take care of me. If I have financial problems, I take care of me. If I am drunk, I take care of me. Don't like it and it hurts a lot, but see no way out but overdosing. John

I know very well what you mean John - I was there for years.

I'm not speaking hypothetically or from some ivory tower when I write to you.

I hated myself - but I resented the world for not holding me to its bosom too

There was a strange mixture of loathing and arrogance there.

I think looking back I put out a vibe that wasn't a reflection of the true me. I'd forgotten who the true me was.

so instead I put that this strange 'come here go away' vibe that reflected the mess I was in then.

The only way I found I could rediscover the real me was not to drink and do whatever else I had to to keep my self sober.

After a while the vibe I put out must have changed too, because once I learned to love myself again, other people came along to tell me how much they loved me too :)

Drinking is not helping you take care of your feelings. I think you know that as much as I did.

It's just the only thing you feel prepared to do right now. ...

You need to stop this cycle John because it's not getting you anywhere and it's not helping you deal with anything.

D

Frankly, the sooner I die the better. I'm just done with this. I won't do anything to make this happen, but it would be a blessing if it happens today. I'm sick of living this way. Please, someone knock on my door or call. This is just pathetic. Just want this to end, and move on to a better place. All I want is a sincere hug, a how's it going and mean it, etc. Someone to actually take the time to sit and LISTEN TO ME without judgement. I just want to be liked. Maybe the afterlife will be kinder. Couldn't be worse than this.

I'm dying Dee.

I'm sorry you're in so much pain John, I really am. :(
Why not reach out & hit a meeting anyway ?

D

John-:hug:

I find this heartbreaking and I truly wish I could give you a hug and listen to you. Dee is not lying....what you are looking for truly does come with sobriety. There is a sense of peace. I was very much like you. Just don't give up, ok?

And I want to die as soon as possible. I'm done with this. if there is a just god, he'll take me now,

This isn't you talking. The sober 2much has been around way too long here on SR for me to believe what you say above. Having said that, Call 911 if you are truly feeling suicidal.

Come on bud, don't let the alcohol take you to that negative place. You are one of my favorite members here. I always enjoy your wisdom and encouragement.

When I see you are online I am happy and excited to see what you have posted.

Please call for help if you need it tonight. You deserve so much! I look forward to your posts tomorrow.
Much love!
JJ

Just tired of the fight. John

If you feel like you are a real danger to yourself right now please do read this link and take note of the crisis numbers, John:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html

I hope you'll decide to stop drinking again soon.
D

I read your post twice, and I agree with it.

I don't want anybody to think I am promoting drinking as a way to deal with your problems. I don't, and I know it only makes things worse. But sadly, it does make things go away for a while. I know that when I wake up, all the problems I had before are still there so I don't know why I bother to do this, but sometimes, it just seems to make sense in a way. It's a relief to forget for a while, but the price for that short term relief is enormous. Being alone is so painful. I don't know how to describe it. It hurts a lot. A broken leg hurts a lot. Back pain is tough. This kind of pain hurts all over and never ends. Drinking is like putting an ice-pack on my head. Like I said before, I won't end my life on purpose but I do wish something would happen to end this pain. I've had a good life. I'm ready to go. Enough is enough. John