Berrybean

Hi John, just wondering re AA, do you have a sponsor that you're working the programme with? Meetings are all well and good, but I find my sponsor and the steps invaluable.

As alcoholics, we do tend to feel things too too much at times. We project and conclude about all sorts of ways people think and feel about us, because we trust our feelings. One of the things I've learn through my step work is how many mistakes I've made, and how much unnecessary pain I've put myself through because I act of feelings, rather than facts. There could be a room full of people being pleasant and I'll think that one person (who I may not even like or respect much) has ignored me / looked at me funny / rejected me, and because me thinking it hurts just the same as if they actually DID do that thing, I roll with it, because it MUST be true because I can feel it. When I looked at it, most of my fears; anxieties; and resentments were based on projection and my own lively imagination. No-one in the world could ever have told me that though - I needed to discover it myself through the steps (step 4 to be precise). Once I'd done step 4 and step 5 I was amazed by the change in me, as was my counsellor.

If you haven't got a sponsor, please ask someone (possibly not 'that' guy!! ) . If you already have a sponsor, please call them and let him help you out a bit.

Please don't continue to put yourself through this pain.

RobbyRobot

I think you do "get it" John. I also though do believe you're still trying to discover how you're not responsible for your own experiences in your own life. Even when we are not at fault, we still are responsible for what happens to us internally. We still must reckon with ourselves what we are feeling and thinking about. There is no remedy for living life as best we can. We can only do our best, and when we decide our best is not good enough, we are really just harming ourselves to no good end.

You must come to a level of responsibility of ownership for being who and what your are in your own eyes. This thing you have of constantly playing the " I just don't know I just can't figure it out I just want to be loved I just want...." I too did exactly that back in my day, and my results were no better than yours. Worse in fact truth be told.

Be yourself. Be honest with being yourself. Take actions to become the better you. Take ownership for your success and for your failures. Don't give up on yourself.

When I finally decided to get the help I actually needed is the same time I finally began to live a life worth living. This way of living hasn't failed me. I have decades of success even in the face of the most unbelievable challenges.

Give yourself a break. Just own up to yourself in ways you can honestly appreciate in your own eyes John. You'll be surprised what can be done in a single day of putting rigorous honesty to work for yourself.

thomas11

hi 2muchpain, I can't offer anything more than what has already been said. But I will say this, you must be a pretty good guy, and people do care about you. You have 4 pages of responses on your original post, and that should tell you something. People are on your side, they are on your team. Also very nice to hear you are in a better frame of mind.

Soberintexas007

Everyone sits alone in their apartment at times. It seems to me like it would be helpful if you rearranged your beliefs about what it means to be sitting in your apartment alone. If those beliefs are negative, then you are apt to develop negative emotional consequences like depression. If you develop more positive beliefs about what it means to be sitting in your apartment alone, then you probably won't feel as depressed.

Thepatman

I like this, made me think of my perception on things. Thanks

ArtFriend

We all project out to people how we want to be treated. So if you feel that no one likes you, then people are apt to treat you that way. If you feel good about yourself, that comes through and people will respond positively. It is YOU who must find a way to increase your self esteem first. You cannot get it from other people. You will always be disappointed.

2muchpain

4 pages That's enouf

EndGameNYC

Okay, now there's an example of pushing people away who want to help.

ArtFriend

John, I hope that you were able to derive some help from these 4 pages of responses. Good luck!

Soberintexas007

To sum up all of these pages, the reality is that life is suffering. People try and find a way to cope with their existential pain. Some people are successful and continue living. Other people are not as successful, and that is when you start hearing about suicide, etc. I hope you find a way to cope with your pain.

Serenidad

Hi there toomuch,

I'm sorry to hear you are hurting and feeling alone or lonely. Addiction is such a lonely disease. I think that's part of why it's so hard to stop. It's a vicious cycle. Feel lonely...drink....feel lonelier....drink...and on and on....

I know from past experience that once you get your head above water and put some time between you and your last drink it starts getting better. Lots better! Unfortunately "knowing" that isn't always enough for me. I've been struggling too but I'm finding that "action" is the only thing the really works.

I related to what you said about knowing that the alcohol will make you feel worse but just wanting a few hours of relief from the pain. I understand your struggle. I don't have any magic answers but I can offer my prayers...for both of us!

Hang in there. We can climb out of this hell.