Hello John,
I am not sure what I can add here except to say I have been in your shoes, I am struggling daily but mostly I wanted to tell you that you are not alone.
I am starting to learn that we have to take some responsibility for ourselves, whether it be AA, or this site that we are using as a tool for support and guidance..... at the end of the day we have to look in the mirror and choose to give ourselves just one more day without a drink nobody else can do that for us.
I know how scary that is because I am living that right now as well.
I hope you will choose to stay close here for the time being and let some of the others with much better advice than I could give you help you stay above water today.