God I remember that feeling of just wanting it to be all over, the despair. I would never have done anything, but wished for it. What an absolutely awful place to be. I'm sorry for your pain. I also remember feeling so lonely that I reached out and asked a couple of places if I could volunteer as I knew I was isolating too much and needed something else, mind you I had a job and some social interaction but I still felt tremendously alone - never heard back from them which was surprising but I mention it as a possibility. All that said, maybe volunteering in a soup kitchen or something like that would help?