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Old 04-29-2010, 11:52 AM
  # 241 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by kyb5 View Post
Starting day 7 and wondering if this is all worth it.

I hate the emotional roller coaster. Up yesterday, down today. And it only takes 1 little thing to send it spiraling down hill.

I think I'm obsessing and worrying more about not drinking than I was about needing to stop.

I don't know...........

I know that feeling, thinking, talking, reading, dreaming about alcohol more then ever, but that gnawing feeling eases up. And oh yeah that up/down thing is still there but has gotten better as well. The new personality battling with the old, we are shedding an ugly skin.

Hope you feel better soon!

Go Aprillers!!
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Old 04-29-2010, 12:51 PM
  # 242 (permalink)  
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For me I feel like I am coping with things way better without alcohol whereas before I felt like I needed it to cope. (how ironic is that?)
Things that would send me spiraling when I was drinking, I can now handle and move on. This helps assure me drinking is the last thing I need to do.
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Old 04-29-2010, 02:10 PM
  # 243 (permalink)  
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Well, well, well.. Almost the end of April folks. And I can honestly say it's been one of the most important months of my life. Today I am proud to say I'm 18 days sober. That's the longest I have not had a drink in 15 years, my entire adult life.

It's funny now looking back to when I was 18 years and in my freshman year of uni. I was living away from home for the first and was sharing a dorm with three other guys. First weekend I went out and got six pack of, I think it was John Labatt Classic. I remember almost gagging trying to finish one bottle. I found a solution and that was whiskey and coke. I would return to beer with a determination to like it some years later. Rest of first year didn't go so well. Horrible grades, ridiculous situations of me embarrassing my self, constant blackouts...etc.

I do remember reading a newspaper article that year though. I had embarrassed myself horribly once again, remembered nothing off it, only to hear about my actions from other people and decided at 18 years old I needed to quit drinking. The man writing the article mentioned that he was an alcoholic, tried to quit for 17 days, and it would be a long long time, before he would go that long a time without a drink again. I thought that couldn't possibly happen to me, but here I am writing this post now, realizing it has.

Sobriety has become extremely important to my life in a very short time, and aside from wife, is probably what I value right now more than anything else. Last night I had a dream that I drank beer. 18 days ago that dream would have been meaningless. Last night it was a nightmare.

So.... keep up the good work everybody. Topspin, WhiteWave, Rev, you guys do a great job of keeping this thread going. Kyb, I can tell you the first week was brutal for me, but after about 9 or 10 days, I felt the fog starting to lift and almost become human again. Andi, great work, and all you other Apriller's, love and eternal peace. Let's finish April and then rock out May!

Marlow
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Old 04-29-2010, 03:16 PM
  # 244 (permalink)  
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Good job to you too Marlow!


:
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Old 04-29-2010, 07:49 PM
  # 245 (permalink)  
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On day 4 today.......

Have an appointment with my doctor in a couple of hours and know she will want to put me on antidepressants which I think is probably a good plan.

Hopefully it will curb the anxiety as well.

Physically I feel tired and headachy and a little anxious, but not too hard to handle.

I am scared, scared of me if that makes any sense........I just don't trust myself anymore. I will be going along fine and confident about my sobriety and then for a very small reason my thinking will switch in the blink of an eye and before I know it, I am at the bottle shop thinking I am normal Yes I can drink normally.....I will only have half a bottle (that's normal surely) and yes the inevitable happens......oops the bottles gone.....but I am just starting to feel fine and ironically (healthy) again......better get another bottle so I can sleep etc........

Just giving an example of my inner workings go.......yes the insanity, the merry-go-round........

Just for today.........will be praying alot this arvo....
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Old 04-29-2010, 07:55 PM
  # 246 (permalink)  
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Marlow

I'm VERY happy for you! I'll be happy to join you in a sober May. Springtime is such a wonderful thing to be experiencing with a clear head - I can't imagine trying to cloud it over right now. I'm very happy that you've made it this far, and that I have too, and I hope that we and the April class wrap up the month with some weight off our shoulders and some introspective sober time behind us.

I'm still very glad to be having my outpatient practically every night and continue to encourage it to people who are anxious about the structure of AA but are curious about testing out a group setting.

Good night my fellow Springers, and I'm always looking forward to what you all write while I'm afk/c (away from keyboard/computer).

Blessed be!
WW
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Old 04-30-2010, 01:39 AM
  # 247 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by louiseO View Post
On day 4 today.......

Have an appointment with my doctor in a couple of hours and know she will want to put me on antidepressants which I think is probably a good plan.

Hopefully it will curb the anxiety as well.

Physically I feel tired and headachy and a little anxious, but not too hard to handle.

I am scared, scared of me if that makes any sense........I just don't trust myself anymore. I will be going along fine and confident about my sobriety and then for a very small reason my thinking will switch in the blink of an eye and before I know it, I am at the bottle shop thinking I am normal Yes I can drink normally.....I will only have half a bottle (that's normal surely) and yes the inevitable happens......oops the bottles gone.....but I am just starting to feel fine and ironically (healthy) again......better get another bottle so I can sleep etc........

Just giving an example of my inner workings go.......yes the insanity, the merry-go-round........

Just for today.........will be praying alot this arvo....
It can be a frightening thing to realize just how effectively we can lie to ourselves. I mean, if we can't trust ourselves, then what have we got? I think that's what makes the support of others so important. An alcoholic can BS him/herself all day, but can never manage to BS another alcoholic who knows better.

BTW, thanks everyone for all your support this April. I look forward to May and the many sober months to follow.

Rev
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Old 04-30-2010, 06:40 AM
  # 248 (permalink)  
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Day 12 & the rising Sun

Today is the last day of April. I have been sober for 12 days.

At the significant risk of sounding melodramatic, for the rest of my life I will always remember that it was in the month of April that I finally decided to change my life, and do what I always knew I needed to.

I've learned a lot about myself and why I drank these past 12 days. Questions I never asked in all my previous attempts at sobriety.

Perhaps that is what has made this time so different in my mind. Asking those tough questions. Sometimes I don't like the answers, but above all I am striving to be brutally honest with myself.

I have always looked forward to spring.

I live in a rural area, surrounded by farmland and woods. Winters can often be brutal out here in the hinterlands, so when old man Winter finally releases his grip and everything begins to once again burst alive in brilliant green, you can feel your spirits lift with every degree.

The back of my property faces a patch of woods. I have a patio table & chairs set up back there. The past few mornings, I have went out early enough to watch the sun rise through the trees.

I listen to the birds awaken and begin to sing. I smell the wet soil and the freshly green woods on every whispering breeze. In those moments, I am at peace with who I am, and perhaps more importantly, who I am not (anymore).

Today is the last day of April. The month when we got sober.

I wonder about the changes that will happen in our lives before we see April again. It's nice to know that I won't have to experience them alone, because you are here to listen.
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Old 04-30-2010, 07:25 AM
  # 249 (permalink)  
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OMG, you're going to make me cry!

I echo everything you say about the self reflection and being brutally honest with myself. I never want to go back to my old ways and my old self.

The past 7 days have been hard but worth it. I can't wait to see that the next week, month, year bring.

I'm so grateful to this site and everyone here. I've received so much good advice and support. You all are my new family who will keep me accountable.

Thank you to everyone!

Congrats to you all and keep up the good work. We CAN do it!!

.
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Old 04-30-2010, 07:51 AM
  # 250 (permalink)  
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hi Everyone.....

We can keep this thread and our special April bond
going as long as we keep sharing on it....

When it gets to a post count of 500....Dee or Anna
will close it and start us another in the
Daily Support Forum next door.

Congratulations to y'all.....
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Old 04-30-2010, 07:58 AM
  # 251 (permalink)  
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
 
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Of course Fool may be asking Anna for a name change
obviously.......no fools win over alcohol....

Well done on your sober time..the best is yet to be
Fool......:
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Old 04-30-2010, 08:03 AM
  # 252 (permalink)  
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
 
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kyb5.....you keep me smiling with your progress....
Way to Go.....
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Old 04-30-2010, 12:37 PM
  # 253 (permalink)  
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Newbie (after 2 previous relapses), also class of April. 3 days in right now.
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Old 04-30-2010, 12:42 PM
  # 254 (permalink)  
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still here...

Still sober...

Quit my bartending job after a decade of not listening to practical advice to quit that job to stay sober.

I thought I'd be upset but I feel relieved.
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Old 04-30-2010, 12:54 PM
  # 255 (permalink)  
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I can't imagine being in a job where I watched people drinking and having fun every day. It would give that voice in my head WAY too much ammunition. I applaud your choice, and congrats on continuing to stay sober.

Rev
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Old 04-30-2010, 01:36 PM
  # 256 (permalink)  
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Hi MyGraySkies - welcome
Good call, b129

Louise- that kind of thinking was routine for me - after a few days of not drinking I'd feel better and think 'gee Dee you really overreact...' and I'd be back down the bottle shop....

SR helped me break that cycle because my whole journey was here - in black and white...I wasn't overreacting

D
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Old 04-30-2010, 03:14 PM
  # 257 (permalink)  
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Arrrrrggggg!!

The argument going on inside of my head is driving me crazy.

I just know I'm going to cave tonight.
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Old 04-30-2010, 03:24 PM
  # 258 (permalink)  
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I've faced that many times kyb - but I didn't cave.
The stakes were too high - they still are.

If all else fails, you'll be surprised what sitting here, reading and posting can do...
You're not alone
D
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Old 04-30-2010, 03:26 PM
  # 259 (permalink)  
04-04-2011
 
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i think it's too late. in my mind it's already all planned out.
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Old 04-30-2010, 03:33 PM
  # 260 (permalink)  
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It's never too late

Try thinking in a longer perspective - where will that drink take you? - read back your old posts if you need reminding....

I also find it useful to try and isolate what I'm wanting to drink over, and then looking for other ways to cope and deal with that problem.

Just because you have the itch doesn't mean you have to scratch.

D
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