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Class of February 2016 Support Thread Part 5

Old 02-27-2016, 08:54 PM
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I need to get counselling to sort out my abusive childhood. But unfortunately I can't afford it. You do get 6 free sessions through the government but you have to pay like $120 per session after that. I haven't got $120 spare per week for that. I haven't got health insurance....can't afford it. And they don't cover pre existing conditions even if I did get health insurance. In my country the public hospital is free. But they don't offer free counselling at outpatient clinics. It's more severely mentally ill and physical illness that's free at the hospital.
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Old 02-27-2016, 08:55 PM
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Goodnight BD. Have a good sleep.

C x
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Old 02-27-2016, 09:01 PM
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I have a difficult family situation too.

I've recommended The Shack by Wm Paul Young before to others.

It may not be everyone cup of tea - it's a Christian novel that imagines a discourse with God - but it's not 'religious'

it speaks a lot about forgiveness.

“Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of another person's throat......Forgiveness does not create a relationship. Unless people speak the truth about what they have done and change their mind and behavior, a relationship of trust is not possible. When you forgive someone you certainly release them from judgment, but without true change, no real relationship can be established.........Forgiveness in no way requires that you trust the one you forgive. But should they finally confess and repent, you will discover a miracle in your own heart that allows you to reach out and begin to build between you a bridge of reconciliation.........Forgiveness does not excuse anything.........You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realize that you have forgiven completely.......”
― Wm. Paul Young, The Shack
“...if anything matters then everything matters. Because you are important, everything you do is important. Every time you forgive, the universe changes; every time you reach out and touch a heart or a life, the world changes; with every kindness and service, seen or unseen, my purposes are accomplished and nothing will be the same again.”
― Wm. Paul Young, The Shack
“You... were created to be loved. So for you to live as if you were unloved is a limitation, not the other way around... Living unloved is like clipping a bird's wing and removing its ability to fly... A bird is not defined by being grounded but by his ability to fly. Remember this, humans are defined not by their limitations, but by the intentions I have for them; not by what they seem to be, but by everything it means to be created in my image. Love is NOT the limitation; love is the flying.
― Wm. Paul Young, The Shack
“Anger is the right response to something that is so wrong. But don't let the anger and pain and loss you feel prevent you from forgiving him and removing your hands from around his neck.”
― Wm. Paul Young, The Shack
“Forgiveness is first for you, the forgiver...to release you from something that will eat you alive; that will destroy your joy and your ability to love fully and openly. Do you think this man cares about the pain and torment you have gone through? If anything, he feeds on that knowledge. Don't you want to cut that off? And in doing so, you'll release him from a burden that he carries whether he knows it or not--acknowledges it or not.”
― Wm. Paul Young, The Shack
That's book did more for me than counselling ever did.
I can't change them - but I can forgive and move on.

D
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Old 02-27-2016, 09:05 PM
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Hey team... I had a slip-up. I drank tonight.

My Wife was away and... no excuses. I drank.

I talked to an AA friend and I'm pouring everything out and starting over. I'm sorry to the group, I should have come here first
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Old 02-27-2016, 09:19 PM
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But doesn't somebody have to want to be forgiven? And what about the other person letting go of my throat? What if the other person accepts no wrong so says "I don't know why your forgiving me I've done nothing wrong". When you're dealing with somebody mentally ill with a severe personality disorder especially narcissism then all normal solutions dont apply. My idea of letting go of my mother's throat is to never have anything more to do with her. Cut her off completely. I've read countless books of ways to deal with severe narcs and all said to cut them off completely IF you want any chance at peace and harmony in your life. There's usually only one way to truly deal with narcs.....get rid like a limb with gangrene, THEN you can move on because they don't stop.
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Old 02-27-2016, 09:19 PM
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Day lucky 13. Stay strong all.
lots of posts to catch up on will get to it later on.
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Old 02-27-2016, 09:27 PM
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Im sorry to hear you family is difficult. Its not easy aye.

Thanks so much Dee for the reference and quotes. However I doubt it goes into the very tangled complex multi dimensional web of life with a narcissist. I'm just not dealing with a normal person. So can't use solutions meant for normal people.
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Old 02-27-2016, 09:29 PM
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I might have a look at the book though all the same. I will try and have an open mind.

Sorry folks but I'm not in a good head space right now. The severe damage that woman causes is incredible!
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Old 02-27-2016, 09:47 PM
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Originally Posted by FacingFuture View Post
Hey team... I had a slip-up. I drank tonight.

My Wife was away and... no excuses. I drank.

I talked to an AA friend and I'm pouring everything out and starting over. I'm sorry to the group, I should have come here first
You should have come here first. I had my SR app open the whole time I was out last night and I woulda posted if I was in trouble.
Anyway, it's a new start. Don't beat yourself up over this. Dump any booze in the house you have left and start again.
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Old 02-27-2016, 09:56 PM
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cococo the point for me was - even if I'd read every book on the planet and got a psych degree I still couldn't change my family - I was the only one who could change.

I had resentment from here to eternity.

Forgiveness is not about absolving people of their sins, or bringing them close again. It;s about removing our hands from around the encks so we can move on
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Old 02-27-2016, 09:58 PM
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I'm glad you came back FF. Keep adding things to your plan.
You need never drink again if you don't want to

D
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Old 02-27-2016, 10:11 PM
  # 252 (permalink)  
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WHAT was wrong with me that she detests so much. She even told me one time that if she could go back in time she wouldn't get married and have any kids because she could've been "much more" unquote (text book narcissist sense of grandeur) in this world without being tied down, she couldve been "anybody" unquote. I hate that woman. She disgusts me.

And she's a bloody hypocrite. Narcissist are. Her partner (not my dad) drinks 2 bottles of wine every night. I have seen it with my own two eyes. I visited them for a month and every night he downed 2 bottles of wine. Then headed to bed at about 11pm or midnight. Then he got up at 6am and headed to the gym then to his surgery. He's a plastic surgeon. She latched onto him because he makes her feel important "I'm a surgeons wife" quoff quoff that makes me a VIP lol.

When she raved on to me that she thought I was an alcoholic, I said "arhh I think the alcoholic is right under your very nose mum", then in text book narcissist style she said "oh god no, he's not an alcoholic at all, he can handle his drink".....delusional.
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Old 02-27-2016, 10:24 PM
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Coco it's common for parents to resent their children because they blame them for inadequacies in their own life... all the time, effort, money etc. I know it sounds awful but being a loving parent is not automatic, especially if said parent came from the same. I had to realize this when dealing with my mom. I told her the other day that I quit drinking and she didn't say anything just changed the subject. I've made the mistake of trying to explain my alcohol problems to non addicts.. it never goes well and why would it? At best I'll get some sympathy but most likely disdain. That's why I come here and talk to people that know... take care tonight
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Old 02-27-2016, 10:35 PM
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Jobei - I understand what you're saying but do you really think it's common???

Thank you. You take care too.
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Old 02-27-2016, 10:43 PM
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I sure do. It's something much like addiction that is under reported because of the stigma. Who would openly admit resenting their children? Someone that has has a ton of therapy. I'd say most parents with these issues just abuse their children in one way or another. It's sad. I love my daughter more than anything in the world but it has been extremely difficult. I knew her mom two weeks before she was pregnant. I was barely able to take care of myself at the time. By the grace of God I've managed to give her at least a decent childhood so far... if I had two or three children who knows...
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Old 02-27-2016, 10:46 PM
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Oh yea I watched my grandmother belittle my mom until her deathbed at 92. I don't think she ever wanted her. That sure did a number on my mom... then me... I'm trying to break the chain... I have to forgive my mom for that to happen regardless of what she chooses to do.
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Old 02-27-2016, 11:04 PM
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Yes I suppose not everybody is actually cut out to be a great parent. It's not a job for everybody. People just get pregnant like that and some find themselves swimming in stress. I guess that would sometimes manifest itself as resenting g ones child or children. You blame them for the parental stress. And then thats sometimes expressed as abuse.

Hmmmm I'm going to have to think about what you've just said Hmm

Because I have certainly felt overwhelmed with parenting my son. He has aspergers and he can be very difficult to manage and parent. But have I ever resented him???? I dont think so. But I have had days where I think omg what on earth was I thinking having children. But I love him to bits.

It's not easy being a parent especially a single parent to a difficult child. I do love him though.

I totally understand what you're saying about breaking the cycle. I'm wanting to do the same. Even though my mother nor father are alcoholics I do feel being an actively drinking alcoholic is a type of abuse. How can it not impact negatively on one's child in many ways.
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Old 02-27-2016, 11:22 PM
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Right on sister... hope you're feeling better. I used my mom as an excuse to get wasted for years... actually for 15 years or so I couldn't talk to her or hang out with her unless I had plenty of drinks on hand. I remember many drunken resentments getting tossed around during that time. I don't blame her anymore. She did the best she could not to mention no way to change it!
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Old 02-27-2016, 11:36 PM
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Ccc, my son also has Asperger's. We got an official diagnosis after 4 teachers insisted. My husband fought the whole way, but now accepts. I honestly believe my mother has it too, and much more severely. My husband also shows signs. I have always been quite sociable, so it's certainly not easy for me. You and I have a lot in common! And as has been said, likewise, my grandma detested my mother; in fact, wouldn't even raise her for the first several years [her g-ma did].

Yep, not easy to grow up in a dysfunctional family. All my parents ever did was fight. While it was very hard on me when they split up [mainly because then I knew my dad wasn't going to be around to protect me!], it was also a relief.

I've considered divorce a few times, but we are trying to work it out. My husband's family is even more dysfunctional, and most of this he never told me until we started couples counseling a few years ago. Sigh.

OK, nighty-night everyone. I cooked a nice dinner, and I feel like I might finally sleep better. I was always into cooking, but the meals don't turn out as nice after a couple of bottles of wine!

Talk to y'all tomorrow. p.s. and thanks D, for the book tip! I'm an avid reader [when sober], so I will check it out.
Also wanted to ask if Strailya means you're from Oz. I went last year, and I LOVED IT. We saw the elusive cassowary! I want to go to New Zealand as well. I grow a lot of Australian plants. The hummingbirds like them.
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Old 02-27-2016, 11:38 PM
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I'm just finishing up a cup of tea and getting ready to go to sleep after a fantastic sober Saturday and day three. And, as usual, if I can't sleep, I will come back here instead of marinating in my sleepless frustration.
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