waywardson8260

It sounds like you are doing great in recovery Bluefairy. Awesome!!!

I agree Babs there are a lot of great people here and I try to check in every day to help to stay focused .

I'm heading to the gym this morning and then to work. Things at work are going much better now and I more calm and clear headed about going to work. The overall stress level is way down and I think being sober has a lot to do with that.

Have a good day everyone and thanks so much for posting and for all of your support!

KeyofC

I posted a blog, but I need some responses. I'm sorry I've been absent. I posted a blog on that too. Just give me your raw, honest perception on what I'm feeling. We don't know each other very well, just do the best you can with what we have. I appreciate it, thanks and I hope everyone is well. (Hug) I hope to be more involved again, soon. Here goes:

My blog entry
I am struggling with dealing with the parts of me I've never known. I don't know how to deal with this woman that now is seeming insecure, uneasy, afraid. This is how she acts in her personal relationships today. I think I push my husband away because I am so needy. I wasn't like this before. For months now I have been trying to change that. It's getting better but stopping this is like trying to stop a derailing train! I am clingy, I am not trusting of his behavior. I think I am afraid he will pay me back by acting like I have on several occasions. Being shady, untrustworthy, lying, untruthful. He never has, why would he start now. These are thing I used to do and be. I feel like some people judge me harshly and just simply don't want to be around me since I've become sober. I feel they blame me for my marital problems, but no matter my part in it (that I completely take ownership for) it takes two to tango. Why am I so quick to judge him and point out his negative behavior? Why can't I overlook it and concentrate on myself? What the hell and why can't I just get a life and get a grip on this????? I'm so over it! I know I can't drink and I won't, but I've got to get my life back together. It's driving me insane! Any comments are welcome, please!

Saskia

Wow! Simply wow!

You are all so awesome and whether Under or Over 1 year, the growth going on here is eye-popping and heart-warming.

Glee and Toots, you continue to grow and share your experiences and thoughts so generously.

Key, reading your post brings to mind several things for me:
When we are drinking, we don't know what our problems are.
When we stop drinking, we suddenly see the whole world as right-side up but we are still mostly upside down, struggling to view the world from a skewed perspective. It takes time for us to get oriented so we are more in synch with our world and can enjoy it.

In my experience, when I struggle too much and too long, I get help from an appropriate professional to help me untangle it all. Have you tried that?

BFree, I'm thinking of you and sending lots of love your way! I know you are in a rough place. I've read several ideas here that can help (meditation, for one). Support where you live could also provide benefits. Please know that you are in my thoughts and that I believe you can do this, even through the challenges.

KeyofC

I haven't tried that Sas and I seem to be I guess afraid to take that step, but why? Why am I afraid? Am I afraid of what I'll find? Am I afraid that the truth will hurt me? Am I afraid I'll realize the life I have isn't the one I "can" have? Yes and I guess this is why, but it's at the expense of me struggling and sinking. What am I waiting for? What? What has to happen for me to get the help I know I need?

BlueFairy

Thanks for the post. Kind of solidifies how I was thinking my day would go today. It's really windy and nasty outside and I have a day off. Have split days off this week because of v-day, think I'll just stay in and be cozy, watch a movie. Still not fully recovered from the week with v-day and Dorothy's passing. Will work out later tonight.
My arrangement cooler Valentines Eve lol.

[IMG][/IMG]

Saskia

Key, most of us struggle and fight about getting help. I should know better by now but I still fight it. The fears are generally, I think, because we resist change, we are afraid of what a professional will think of us (I used to be scared that they'd lock me up and throw away the key, lol!). It's truly not an easy thing to do. Our fears hold us back. The reality is that we don't have to talk about anything we don't want to! The more I fight it the more a little voice in my head says "hmmm - and why are you fighting this?".

BlueFairy, I meant to mention earlier that I am so happy to see you turning your thinking around. You seemed on a good path before but now I feel I'm seeing a good deal of growth :-). In my own experience, that is what it takes to stay sober for the long term.

Soberwolf

Have a nice weekend everyone

Keepnitreal

Key,
You've already come through so much that taking this next step might be your salvation. When we are drinking we are numbing ourselves to whatever pain we can't tolerate. As we all know, when we stop drinking the pain and issues doesn't just disappear, we are just once again at a crossroads and still need to travel down that scary path that we previously avoided.
Be well.

Dee74

I think fear underpins a lot of us Key.
I lot of us were afraid of who we might find when we took the drink away.

I know I was terrified. The last thing I could remember about myself before I started drinking was I hated myself and my life.

No one would want to go0 back to that, but I also didn;t want to go back to drinking...

thankfully I found that I was a lot different at 40 than I was at 20.

I found that, although I wasn't a saint, I had many good qualities. I spent a little time getting to know myself. I'd never done that before.

I always had to be around people cos I was terrified to be alone with myself and my thoughts.

That desperate need to belong, to be part of a group, and not be lonely was the prime motivation for me through 30 years.

Somehow I'd convinced myself I was the lowest of the low and that the only validation that mattered was external, from other people.

That took a lot of time to change, but change it did. The more I liked myself and my own company the less needy I became, and the less lonely.

I guess what I'm trying to say is do;t let fear hold you back Key. I feel very confident you'll like what you find - and if you find anything you don't like - you can change it

D

KeyofC

Thank you all for taking the time to comment. Just having a low, bad day. It's helping me more than you realize. (Hug)

Saskia

That's what this supporting and sharing is all about :-). I think it's why most of us don't find happiness as hermits.

tootsl1

Key, I feel you are expecting reprisals for you past behaviour perhaps because you feel you deserve to be treated that way. It is often harder to forgive our own bad behaviour than it is others, we are our own worst critic. You have hidden behind the bottle for so many tears, fearing what sobriety will shine a light on. Well, now sobriety is shining that light and I feel that the reason you are struggling so, is that in your heart you understand that it is time to deal.
You say you fear what therapy will disclose about yourself, but I say 'how are we to change our behaviour if we don't understand what is causing it?' Your life may well be different in the future, but if you chose to understand the 'why' of your behaviour, you go forward holding the reins instead of sitting backwards in the saddle.

BeFree, Glee has some great points there and some good suggestions for getting on with your life and strengthening your sobriety. I happen to know you love photography and have a sweet dog, 2 great reasons for being out and about, especially as the days are getting longer and warmer. I know we can come home from work feeling too drained to bother, but doing something we love can actually enervate us.

You are all in my thoughts this weekend peeps, Keep on Keeping on xx

tootsl1

Ps; Dee I have been here 3.5 years? I think that's the longest post I've seen you write! ( you usually say in 5 words what I drone on about in 200!!! )

Dee74

My precise-acator must be broken Toots

D

waywardson8260

Key- I wish I had a good answer because you have been nothing but totally awesome with all of your posts here. You are definitely a good and caring person that deserves happiness.

My marriage has had some rocky times too and sometimes it is not easy but we stick together. I've heard of so many stories of relationship problems during early sobriety as the mask of alcohol disappears and we suddenly are staring at problems we have ignored in the face. I think most of them can be worked through but it does take some work and some forgiveness. Nobody is perfect of course and I'm sure just about everybody is here is a testament to that.

All you can do Is work on it. One thing at a time. Things won't get better overnight but they can get better. I believe that staying sober is the key because it gives us the ability to work on problems instead of masking them.

Saskia

I never cease to be surprised by the many ways alcohol messed with our lives. I am so grateful to be sober!

Dee, I agree with toots :-)

waywardson8260

Bluefairy, your Valentines day display looks great!!! You have obviously learned your new job well. I hope you had a good well deserved day off.

Soberwolf

Have a nice day everyone

KeyofC

I think somehow I am trying to fix my past or change it or have someone pat me on the back and say "I forgive you". It's not going to happen and I know better than to have expectations. I have got to get past this and forgive myself or I'll be stuck in this spot.

I almost forgot today was the 20th...my 7 months ❤️
I am grateful for that!

gleefan

Hi Key - It's really nice to see you!

I had a hard time adjusting to myself when I got sober, facing my behaviors and shortcomings.

I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what my other people were doing wrong. There was plenty, but focusing on other people's shortcomings made me feel miserable!

Focusing on myself brought me freedom, peace, and serenity that I had never known before. My advice is that you've got nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking care of yourself.