Fabat50

Kiki this is my personal take but if I were in your shoes I would embrace the therapy now, full on, and worry about the drink a bit later. It sounds as if you have so much to work on and I worry that if you do not first heal all that inner pain that you have been carrying around with you for so long that you will never have a fair chance at getting sober. Sounds like a case of needing to smash all the eggs open before you get to make that great ommelete.

When I had too much stuff going on in my life.. sorting my meds out for bipolar, self harming, and binge eating and drinking, my Therapist wanted me to really work on "me" and my underlying problems before tackling all the indesirable "behaviours".

I followed his lead and so far it is pretty much working. In fact the more that I came to terms with and dealt with my past failures, and traumas the more the undesirable behaviours disappeared on their own.

Am thinking of you. x

Keepnitreal

Kiki-I just caught up on the posts and I wanted to let you know how special you are to all of us. I'm sorry for your childhood trauma. It's all crap, but remember that it doesn't define who you are today! As for failing us....you didn't. You slipped, but it happens. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and continue on with your therapy and sobriety. You've come a long way Baby!!!!!
There have been several slips this weekend and I am seeing a pattern once we hit the 60-70 day mark. Has anybody noticed that?
Anyway, I almost blew it on Saturday too. Hubby and my son went camping and I thought...what the hell who would know! I was on my way home from the market (I didn't buy wine while I was there because I wasn't even thinking about drinking then) and as I was driving up the hill I decided that I was going to party. Then I thought HALT. (Which is something you taught me Kiki). I realized I felt lonely because I had been isolating myself the past week because I had been struggling with cravings so much the past 7-10 days.
I called my GF and just asked how she was doing and chatted while I was sitting in my driveway. We didn't talk about alcohol, just kids, work, etc.... I went in the house and thanked my higher power, posted on the gratitude thread, and just relaxed the rest of the weekend with no further cravings! (I also read the tips on SoberTool on my phone, which is something somebody also shared on this thread, and it really really helped!!!)
Today is 78 days. I guess what I want to say is thank you to each of you for all that you share, and also to remind everybody to be super diligent once you hit the 60 day mark and think you have sobriety licked!!!!!

Autumnlover19

Hi Kiki and HealthyGoals,
I'm sorry that you drank again. We've all been there, I was just there two weeks ago and it SUCKS.

I'm not sure Kiki, about intense therapy in early sobriety. I just don't know hopefully someone can pitch in with advice on that.

I'm very glad you are both still here!

Day 1s are tough but it is what it is. Better than day 0.

We can do this. Let's not let the demon win.

KiKi0615

Thx Fabat! I don't think I can deal with all the trauma & stay sober though. :-( And I can't deal with the trauma if I'm not sober....

Double edged sword! :-(

KiKi0615

Hang in there & stay with us HG! I need you here. We are both fighting for our lives! NO SHAME! We are still fighting!!!!! That's more than most people do! (((((Hug))))))

KiKi0615

Thanks Jemma! Your "better than day 0 made me chuckle". Thx! I needed to smile. :-)

KiKi0615

A www...thanks so much KIR! You are doing amazing! Keep it up!!!

I'm seriously printing off your post &
Hanging it on my wall! I soooo needed to hear all the things you said! Love ya!!!

Love you ALL! I will forever be a Novemberist! :-)

KiKi0615

UPDATE: I just talked to my psychologist & told her about my slip.

She said "don't beat yourself up! You are dealing with some tough crap! We need to recalibrate (back down a little bit & not deal with so much trauma all at one) and keep moving forward.

She sounded hopeful. I just need to NOT drink no matter what!

Thx guys!

ultradad

My take is that the most important and life saving measure you need to take is to stay sober and stay in AA. Once you do a thorough 4th step you should begin to heal from the horrors of your past! Then, if you still need it, continue with therapy. Don't beat yourself up KiKi, you're a wonderful person and we all have struggles. Don't run, not from sobriety! And you can always be honest with us, we're family now : )

Healthygoals

Sounds good!

KiKi0615

Alcoholism sucks!!!

Trauma sucks!!!

I love you guys!!!

Keepnitreal

How are you feeling tonight Kiki? Is he hubby being supportive?

KiKi0615

I'm doing ok. A lot of guilt & shame but I know that will pass now that I'm getting sober days again. My husband is being supportive.

How are you KIR?????

You ready to be the cheerleader for the class of November 2015? I clearly failed everyone. :-( I guess you all need to find another cheerleader.

That's one of the biggest things I can't forgive myself for.,,letting you guys down!!! :-(

Patricia...where are you??? Enfin??? You guys ok? I suck! I failed! I'm mad at
Myself! :-( sooooo sorry!!!

Dee???

SwimKim12

Kiki, you did not fail me. You have helped me tremendously. Honestly. Your encouragement to go to AA really did seal the deal for me, and I think that AA will be what I need to stay sober.

I know how horrible you feel. I was in the April 2015 class and got three and a half months before I slipped. I was so, so, so ashamed to come back to the thread and post what had happened. The thing is, I received nothing but support from that class. And just as they supported me then we are here to support you now.

Alcohol makes us hate ourselves. It makes us feel worthless. I'm so sorry that you drank and are having a hard time, but I am very glad that you came right back here and are being truthful with yourself. You know why you slipped and you have already corrected that with your therapist. That is a big step!!

I really hope you can still be our cheerleader (even if it's not as often) because I absolutely love your enthusiasm. You are a wonderful person, Kiki, and I'm glad we are back on the sober train together

lastchance77

Kiki, I don't know your past or if you've been at this point of sobriety before, but speaking from many years experience of failed sobriety, relapse at this point can be a very slippery slope towards a life ruled by the bottle. The fact that you are back and committed is a good sign, otherwise we would be hearing from you 6 months to a year away. Stay strong, don't tempt the AV with 'only a little bit to get through therapy' etc. it will win. My advise is for therapy and sobriety to go hand in hand, not one then/or the other. The AV will use any excuse it can get. Sorry if I seem blunt, but I've been there too many times.

bblackbirdflyy

You didn't fail us kiki. You made a mistake and you are moving on from it.

Dee74

I've been sick today Kiki - just logging in now for a little while

I think others are absolutely right when they say only you know what you're comfortable with - I'm glad your therapist is going to slow the pace some

I have to say, personally, I hope you don't back off altogether tho - I put off and put off dealing with some very painful issues in my past - by the time I had to confront them, they seemed enormous.

Like I say tho, it's absolutely your call there

What I think you really need to do is find alternative ways to deal with those intense emotional moments. Right now your AV is not worrying one jot that you've been upsety...

it's dancing the can can cos it thinks it's established ( or re established) a precedent where you 'can' drink if the situation is emotionally charged enough.

Find other ways to deal with those intense emotions really is vital if you're going to fight that inner addict off.

I have faith that you can do this

Missy7

I'm glad you made it back Kiki, and you haven't let anyone down. As people always tell me, your back, and that's what matters.
Tomorrow is my day seven. I feel really good. My skin is clearing up. I'm back on my diet, I like my work again.
I'm afraid I can see some depression on the horizon--and I hope I can dodge that.
I've had a little trouble keeping up w SR, but I'll try to do better.

tufty13

Hi Missy, congrats on day 7, good to see you here.

Kiki, I can't offer any advice, only encouragement and gratitude for all your help with the class. I can only imagine how hard this is for you. Please stay close to the class if you feel up to it.

Hope you feel better soon Dee, I'll be honest it's somewhat of a shock to consider you might be mortal.

Best wishes to all the class.

Dee74

All too mortal Tufty - I'll get past this tho

congrats on your week Missy

D