Thumpalumpacus

I was a mostly good day today for me. The drama with the ex- is winding down; she will not be allowed a place in my life any more. As much as that pains me, on the other hand I felt pretty free, as if a burden had been shucked, and my mood was good most all the evening at work.

Winding down Day 17, opening up Day 18, and rolling with the changes with a quiet, but still present, AV. Psoitive mental attitude is doing wonders for me when I find myself down: happiness is a decision.

In memory of her, whom I'll always love ... once upon a time, our song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IRpNpfFi_ok

Sunflowerlife

You write with such grace, Thumpalumpacus.
I am sorry you are dealing with so much drama with the ex but glad it has reached a point where you are feeling some peace about it. Freedom is the best feeling in the world.
Have a wonderful day

Sunflowerlife

Good morning everyone. Got up at 5:25 and am enjoying the peace of this warm, cozy house. I love getting up early, it is so necessary for my sanity. Going to leave for the gym at 6:45- that will be a first for me.

Yesterday was an interesting day. DH and I went to the gym with the kids and then the supermarket. We were around the beer section and I told him it was okay for him to get beer and that I didn't mind (in the past he has not liked me asking him not to drink around me). He bought a 6 pack, 6% beer. I had zero cravings, zero AV came out all day- I was good.

The interesting part, and somewhat sad I must say, was watching his progression as he drank the 6 pack. He went from irritable in the morning (his usual) to playful, inspired and energetic (when the beers started) to sad, quiet and unfocused. By the end of dinner he was sitting at the table just kind of staring off into space. I kept asking him if he was okay as he certainly didn't look okay. I could feel his energy and his vibration was so low. I have never been able to feel that before.

And then of course I was thinking- this used to be me. Now I am pretty sure I didn't stare off into space but who knows. My point is,
what was all that beer for? What did he really gain? Only about 2 hours of it looked like fun for him- was it truly worth it?
I wish I could ask him these questions.

Regardless, being around him when he's drinking is not as bad as I though it would be. If anything, it reaffirms my desire to stay sober. I wish he was at the place I am, maybe one day he will choose it as well (no pressure if he doesn't.)

Wishing you all a beautiful, sober Monday. I will leave you with my favorite MLK quote for the day:


~P

Nic233

Just thought I would update my last couple of days. As I said previously I had my first AA meeting on Saturday night which was great. Quite overwhelming but it was good to feel like I actually fit in somewhere.. I decided to go to another one closer to where I live on Sunday afternoon (yesterday).. The meeting itself was a different format(some spiritual one) but the people were equally as welcoming and friendly. One lady who sat next to me has taken me under her wing completely. She called me up 10 mins after I got home and invited me over to her house so that she could Let me have the chance to speak.. It turns out she is 38 years sober and a true inspiration. She's offered to be my "person" for now until I choose someone to be my sponsor. She has asked me to call her at any time whether it's at 2am or anytime I feel I'm really struggling or would just like a friendly ear. She's an older lady so she would like me to keep my options open in having the chance to meet a sponsor who is closer to my own age who I may gel with, but has said that if I DO decide that I would like her to sponsor me it would be an honour!!! The stipulation being that I make a 3 year commitment to her. Right now I can't even make plans for 2 days ahead as I'm just going hour to hour...
It's all very positive but my head is spinning a bit. It's all happening so fast, and I can't help but feel like the wheels are falling off.
It's left me questioning how bad my drinking problem is.... Am I really an alcoholic??? Am I as bad as these other people from AA? Arghh my head is exhausted!!! I've also been given a copy of the big book.... Woah-

charliesworld

Hi. I've not been on for a couple of days. Didn't feel the need over the weekend. Kept myself busy on saturday and Sunday didn't do so much but ate LOADS. Annoyed with myself because of that!!

I'm in a mess. I don't have enough money to cover the mortgage and other bills at the end of the month. Stuff that should have gone through before Christmas all stalled and now I don't have any money left. I'm tired of it. With my OH not working and my income coming as and when it is a stressful way to live- esp when at the best of times I'm only just earning enough to keep us going. I'm hoping for a miracle in the next couple of weeks.

I signed up to moodgym yesterday - might be worth a look at for some of you. It's a free CBT online training programme. Got me thinking about how I need to take better control of my thoughts to stop them spiralling.

I'm hoping to drag myself to the gym later. A friend who I started running with last year never stopped and is doing brilliantly with her times now, She'll be leaving me for dust once I get back out with her. Makes me feel bad I let myself stop doing it for so long.

SoberinSyracuse

Good morning, all. Day 8 here. I must be getting spoiled because I'm going to report that I didn't sleep that well last night. It took me about an hour to get to sleep and I had to resort to extreme measures, a hot bath. Then I "only" had about six hours solid sleep, followed by another hour and a half of dozing.

Yes, I'm getting spoiled with feeling well. Just wish my pudgy self would start to de-bloat a little and maybe drop a pound or two.

Have a wonderful Monday!!

Mish

Hi guys...I'm still here.
Had an awfully strong urge to turn into the bottleshop today...so strong I actually slowed the car to a stop to turn. But then i didn't...I've been writing in a little pocketbook things my "strong" sober self wants to say to me when I'm about to cave in. Its so ridiculous how certain i sometimes feel in my sobriety that i will never drink again and then BOOM!! Its like I'm two different people! The other day I bought a little pocket book and I wrote down some stuff to try to help me through cravings. I promised myself i would take out my little pocket book and read those thoughts to my weak self when I am at that point...(and a few colourful words for my AV as well!) I honestly believe it made me drive away without buying alcohol today....I really felt like my strong sober self was in the car with me holding my hand because of the words i wrote when i was feeling strong to not give up. Even if you are back on Day 1 don't give up. Just come back to us...we need eachother. xxx

xristoff

Hi All,

Made it through the weekend...was all geared up to start tearing down chimneys and stuff....but got informed my boss cant make it in. Yey...i can focus on my sobriety and healing my aching back.
..

Question for all.....how do u stop self pity from setting in ...in early recovery... I get a bit sober and the reality that im 49 and really have no career or own anything of value. Like a career job or a pension or a house....then i start comparing to guys i graduated with...all Vps. Big houses....almost ready for early retirement...

And i get down.......

Nic233

Youve done such an amazing job by NOT buying the booze! I know what it's like once that thought takes hold- it can be almost impossible to talk sense into ourselves. I did the same on Friday night- the car almost drive itself through the BWS drive thru but instead I pulled up the car and sobbed lol!!! Snapped me out of it!
A pocket book sounds like such a great idea..
Glad you're here. Us WA'ers can stick together X

Mish

Absolutely Nic...so happy there's someone in the West with me. xxxx

Nic233

Me too X

SillyHuman

Morning all. I did the math and have saved over $400 since I started posting here. SR is very cost effective! That is good, especially since as of today, I am unemployed.

Nic, you sound great. Keep on trudging the road to happy destiny!

Sunflower, you sound wonderful! In just the couple weeks we have been posting, you sound so much stronger. My husband's drinking sounds similar to your husband's. He does not stare in to space, but he turns on a video game, and he is just gone. It looks like as much fun as being in a coma. Maybe one day he will choose to put it down. Like you say, and like Alanon says, "Let it begin with me." Have a great time at the gym.

Thump, good for you for giving yourself some distance from an unhappy person. You sound waaaaay better. Stay strong.

GLB, I know you are struggling out there. Please hang tough. It will get better.

Tink, welcome back!

To the many that I missed (and who cross-posted) and new people, hi and hugs.

I feel a little empty without somewhere to go today. I start counseling/therapy tomorrow. My plan today is to clean this messy house. It turns out the meeting tonight is not Agnostica. Oh well. However, I did discover an international conference for AA agnostica in Houston, in November. I am very seriously thinking about it.

While writing that out, I realized that I could contact Agnostica in Denver and ask for long-distance help. So, I did.

Day 10.

Nic233

The savings have been huge for me too!!! I'm trying to pay my previous booze fund into my holiday savings account- it's already making a little dent!!!
You're so encouraging all the time silly! I love reading your posts!! Have a great sober day.. One day at a time we go X

Olivia2011

SIS - Welcome ! I've been following your thread. Very interesting. How are those therapy sessions going ? How's the staff? Seems like a great way to start the recovery process. Keep us posted!

Sun - you go grrrl! I got up early today. By far my favorite time of day.... Before the sun gets up!!! I was loving sleeping and healing my brain but I was hating sleeping in. Feel like my day's half over! I worked 28 years as an electrical designer. We had flex hours. It was my choice to go in at 6 am. A couple days a week I would drop the kids (two, 23 months apart...: now 26 and 28) at the sitter and hit the gym first. Back then I had a professional athlete's heart (pulse 46!). Fast forward to 58 ( you're only as old or young as you feel, I'm young!) Ha! I'm heading to the gym in about an hour. Loving it again. Was getting awfully lazy and foggy. That's all lifted now! Gonna get back in shape! Even 10 lbs would be great. Going for 15 at least. So.... Your description of your husband. Isn't that sad? That's how I was feeling when drinking. I'd go from being "up" sober to catching a buzz to feeling like a zombie. That's sick. Check out the thread "I hit a car last night". Check out the Utube link on it (I think SIS might have out up the link). I screen shot the guy's words to my son. I also sent the Utube link to him. He's been doing really good lately but Friday night pulled a terrible bender. Lost his coat wallet phone ID etc. Show this thread to your husband. Tell him you love him and he means the world to you but that you saw this in him yesterday
( especially noticeable as you are newly sober). I nudge my son with stuff like this. It's slowly taking affect!

Charlie - the OH is gonna half to step up to the plate if physically/mentally able. Not much worse than money problems to cause a harder than necessary life. Life is hard enough already. How do u get that CBT mood program please? My toolbox is awaiting! The little bit of reading I've been doing, CBT is the way to go. CBT works on alternative methods (I think) where psychotherapy digs up your past. I dont want my past drug up. My daughter did a few therapy sessions and said it brought up too much old stuff and maybe did more harm than good. Let's just move on in my opinion. I can understand the past being dug up. I think that's an individual situation decision whether that should be brought up. The more extreme situations prolly need the past worked through.

Mish - good for you for skipping the liquor store! Like the booklet idea. I bought one too (book binder says God makes everything beautiful) and has one of this big blue/green beautiful birds on it ... Drawing a blank on bird's name!). Now I just need to start my book!
Also your AA experience is the way they all should go. Nice lady at the meeting! We are all at different stages of alcoholism. I used to feel like I drank the least of my friends but I was always the most wasted. They'd continue Into the night and I'd have to go to sleep. I can tell you it's really dam progressive. I can't stress that enough. The Big Book is enlightening. Read it. Keep an open mind. Work on bettering your life. Doesn't matter what stage you are in (or not). I think everyone should read that book. It would make the world a better place.

Thump is a sweet guy. You can tell by the way he expresses himself!

Odell's had good things to say. I'm out of brain matter for now!

Happy Monday. I'm knocking out sober days. How bout you? Husband and I went to lunch yesterday. Met my daughter and granddaughter at church yesterday. The service/mass is so much better sober ! Pepsi and water at lunch. Now my husband commented on how cheap the bill was. It's like getting a 50 % off coupon!

Olivia

Peacock! That's the bird!

Olivia2011

Xristoff - stay sober and your life will be better ! I understand what you are saying tho. My son is in the same boat. He jacked around so many years. He's starting to turn around. Studying IT. He's 28. Has a loooong way to go.

Keep pushing.

Olivia

Olivia2011

Sun - the only part of that thread I was talking about is the last half where the guy knows he's not even enjoying drinking any more (for your husband)

Hi Silly!

strangeangel

Back again. Really not doing well. Binged this weekend. Don't feel like I can go on anymore. It's so so hard. Depression really bad. Anxiety about my health is unmanageable. How do I talk myself down from this really bad place and get sober? I don't ever feel like I'm going to beat it. It's going to kill me first. Ugh. Another bad day.

Glb82

Strangeangel - sorry to hear you're having a bad day. Me, too. Have actually been crying and usually my tear ducts don't work. Do you have anyone you can call so you can talk, instead of having to talk yourself down from being sober?
Remember you had a binge at the weekend doesn't mean you have to have one now...
Keeping my 13 days is turning out to be tough as hell. And I thought the mornings would be fine.
Please keep us updated on how you're doing...

SillyHuman

I struggle with that too. My best friend as a young child went on to become a wildly successful attorney, was elected mayor of her town, and went on to run for state legislature. She is full-on wealthy.

You might not like my method of cranking my thinking back to reality, but here goes:

Other people had advantages that I did not, and still do not, have - such as mental health and inherited wealth. However, I have enjoyed more advantages than the grand majority of the population of the planet. It is just not a lot compared to others in the USA.

My alcoholic brother died at age 40 without ever having known sobriety, happiness or having any place of his own (he lived with mom and dad his whole life). He never dated, fell in love, nothing. He had dementia by the point he died. At 40 years old, his brain was already pickled, and he had never had a life. I cannot write that without crying.

I was born pretty poor, and still am pretty poor. But I (like all of us here in the free world) have enjoyed more wealth and creature comfort than 99% of the people who ever walked the face of this Earth.

TODAY 35,000+ children will starve to death, and that happens every single day.

Then I think, "Who am I to feel sorry for myself?"

KCW

Thanks for the nice welcome, everyone.

Nice to wake up not dehydrated this morning for one of the only times in months. I know a lot of people have insomnia issues in early sobriety but that's usually not an issue for me. I sleep horribly when I drink--waking up three or four times each night and having trouble going back to sleep--but as soon as I take the booze out of the equation, sleeping for 7-9 hours at a time is very do-able.

Heading to work in a bit for four or five hours. No other plans for the day except to try and go back and read the rest of this class thread.

I put my sobriety date (yesterday) on my profile page here but am not planning on counting days from here on out. I've always counted in the past when I've tried to quit and I think it ends up adding more pressure than it does helping me. I'm going to try living in the now.