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Class of November 2015 Part 8

Old 01-06-2016, 12:19 AM
  # 281 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by RedAndy View Post
^^ This, same goes for me - once started there's absolutely no stopping with anything, agree though with channelling the obsessions in the right direction, exercise and healthy eating plan are a great place to start and definitely help keep me focused.

Good to hear from you Tufty, was thinking earlier not heard from you for a while, deffo give the weed a wide berth tho fella, replacing the buzz with another substance is only gonna leave the door ajar for the others to creep back in.

Kicking sugar into touch is a big thing too - another evil in my eyes, not as bad as others we've done to excess but one that is something you feel much better without - its not easy to do but the times I have got rid of it in the past from my diet are the times I've definitely felt the best, often wonder why I let it creep back in but in general the reason for that previously has been the booze and binging, with that gone its much easier - get bang into the exercise and not smoking weed will be a no brainer.
Hi Andy, I hope you're thriving. You certainly seem to have made huge leaps of progress since you first joined! Well done.

Did I read that you are seeing an addiction counsellor? If so how are you finding it?

I'm taking everyone's advice on ditching the weed. I already have, just got to avoid the temptation to buy more now.
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Old 01-06-2016, 12:26 AM
  # 282 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by bblackbirdflyy View Post
Congrats on surviving the holidays tufty. I'm an addict through an through as well. I think it was ultradad who said replace the negative addiction with positive addictions. I agree with that method wholeheartedly. Idle hands, ya know?
Thanks BB, I am giving myself some positive feedback for abstaining from alcohol but have definitely got sidetracked by everything else.

My addiction appears to stem from the requirement to get a buzz. It's like I don't actually do ANYTHING AT ALL unless it excites me.

If it's boring and mundane I just don't do it. Is that familiar to you at all?
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Old 01-06-2016, 12:47 AM
  # 283 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by tufty13 View Post

Thanks BB, I am giving myself some positive feedback for abstaining from alcohol but have definitely got sidetracked by everything else.

My addiction appears to stem from the requirement to get a buzz. It's like I don't actually do ANYTHING AT ALL unless it excites me.

If it's boring and mundane I just don't do it. Is that familiar to you at all?
Absolutely. I actually have very few interests other than catching a buzz. So I'm trying to change that. Forcing myself to do the stuff that I'm just so so on in hopes I'll come to like it. Exploring hobbies and interests.

I took a Drunk Drivers weekend retreat in lui of jail when I got caught in 2013. It was explained that it will take time in sobriety to feel like normal fun is actually fun. Our sense of a "good time" is so out of whack.

Mundane things ignored? I fold laundry once every two months. :-)
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Old 01-06-2016, 01:24 AM
  # 284 (permalink)  
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Change is possible tho.

I chased a buzz for nigh on 30 years man and boy - I wanted to escape my surrounds, my life, myself...

But I got clean and sober and...I changed. I worked hard on my life and myself and pretty soon I didn't want to escape anymore.

I feel natural authentic joy now, not a buzz - and it's a joy that comes from, not escaping but rather from being a part of something - whether it's a couple or a family or a social group or just, some days being alive and being a member of the human race.

I would have never thought I could speak in such non cynical terms...but like I say...change really is possible.

I got sober because I was tired of my old life and old thoughts and old patterns of behaviour...

If you're tired of it too, you really can do something about it

D
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Old 01-06-2016, 01:32 AM
  # 285 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by tufty13 View Post
Hi Andy, I hope you're thriving. You certainly seem to have made huge leaps of progress since you first joined! Well done.

Did I read that you are seeing an addiction counsellor? If so how are you finding it?

I'm taking everyone's advice on ditching the weed. I already have, just got to avoid the temptation to buy more now.
Cheers mate, I have my first appointment next week actually, same as you the wife says I can never find the middle ground with anything, I know that too and drive her nuts with the obsessions, same goes with the healthy eating and exercise but at least they are not causing the problems the drink and drugs do (have a few recurring niggling injuries so quite often I'm limited to what I can do altho I really want to push myself as far as possible and tend to overdo it after a while, means I'm stopping and starting with the exercise which is frustrating and then the healthy eating takes a bit of a back seat as I see them going hand in hand, constantly going on about them hampering me and also many other aches and pains - she makes a joke of that too with "andy's ailment of the day" but I hear myself keep going on and think arrggh just shut up - always something going thro my mind about what these things are - is it something more serious - nope, but it doesn't stop me googling and obsessing about it).

Good to hear re ditching the weed, I contemplated for about a millisecond when I decided I was giving up the booze of just smoking weed instead, immediately knew it was not a feasible option tho as it would lead me back eventually to the others, again I see things going hand in hand and altho many don't smoke and drink I always loved the buzz of the 2 together, once they are back in the fold I might as well just add the rest.

One other thing though was it would have only caused more arguments as the wife wouldn't have been in any way supportive or understanding, in fact she wouldn't have given me another chance if I'd made that suggestion so I knew it had to be everything, in hindsight so glad it was / is.

Also not sure how much more my mind could take in the way I was going, there's been a few times just smoking weed I started going a bit too weird.

Good luck with getting things sorted too mate, as Ultradad says good that you are also seeing the patterns.
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Old 01-06-2016, 01:45 AM
  # 286 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by tufty13 View Post
Thanks BB, I am giving myself some positive feedback for abstaining from alcohol but have definitely got sidetracked by everything else.

My addiction appears to stem from the requirement to get a buzz. It's like I don't actually do ANYTHING AT ALL unless it excites me.

If it's boring and mundane I just don't do it. Is that familiar to you at all?
Definitely agree with this and as BBF says I'm also trying to explore new avenues - our lives have been spent on an artificial high for so long it does seem difficult too change and accept what we have always considered a more mundane lifestyle, something that does need a lot of work on for me too.
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Old 01-06-2016, 02:04 AM
  # 287 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
Change is possible tho.

I chased a buzz for nigh on 30 years man and boy - I wanted to escape my surrounds, my life, myself...

But I got clean and sober and...I changed. I worked hard on my life and myself and pretty soon I didn't want to escape anymore.

I feel natural authentic joy now, not a buzz - and it's a joy that comes from, not escaping but rather from being a part of something - whether it's a couple or a family or a social group or just, some days being alive and being a member of the human race.

I would have never thought I could speak in such non cynical terms...but like I say...change really is possible.

I got sober because I was tired of my old life and old thoughts and old patterns of behaviour...

If you're tired of it too, you really can do something about it

D
I love everything about this post Dee. Sums up perfectly what we are trying to escape from and ultimately achieve "Authentic joy" over the "artificial buzz" ♡ :-)
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Old 01-06-2016, 02:34 AM
  # 288 (permalink)  
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Andy,

You describe yourself as I would describe myself.

Obsessions, oh my god, I've had some.

Years ago I was obsessed with money, the intricacies of macro economics and the financial markets, I've no idea why as I don't even like money. I got obsessed with the financial crash; spent hours, days, weeks and before I knew it, two whole years researching and planning a strategy for when it eventually arrived in 2008. My friends thought I'd gone mad whilst my wife despaired.

Everything I did was dismissed as "yet another obsession".

All my friends think I'm weird, my girlfriend thinks I'm weird and now I believe I'm weird. I think to a degree I like that tag and it may be a barrier to change. I don't know.

I'm making a plan to change though.

No more "smoking".
I've phoned a counsellor this morning who has experience with addiction.
I've downloaded a recovery plan and will start to fill that in.
I went to another Quaker meeting on Sunday, I liked it, nice people with the same core values as myself. Not god-centric, just good folk.

How far do I go before my recovery becomes just another obsession?
I've been here before and taken things to such an extreme that I completely crashed and reverted to type.

The underlying priority for me has to be to remain alcohol free. I can't go back to drinking.
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Old 01-06-2016, 03:23 AM
  # 289 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by KiKi0615 View Post
I'm glad you are starting counseling! It's hard work but I am told it will be worth it!!!
Today will be my 5th counseling session. So far we've mostly discussed my addiction cycle and developing strategies for not re-entering the drinking/bingeing cycle. Now it's probably time to start dealing with the remorse I have for 'all the things that I have done' while under the grips of addiction. I think some of this will be necessary before I can reach closure, self-forgiveness, and slowly begin to be proud of who I am and how I live rather than anxious and ashamed.
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Old 01-06-2016, 03:32 AM
  # 290 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by tufty13 View Post
How far do I go before my recovery becomes just another obsession?
.
If you do it right recovery's not yet another obsession - but a permanent fundamental life change Tufty

If you doubt your own capacity to change borrow a little of my faith in you - I have faith that all you guys can change

D
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Old 01-06-2016, 03:50 AM
  # 291 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by tufty13 View Post

Thanks ultra dad,

You are spot on with your comments and it's helpful to be reminded of the truth. I'd not heard "this disease is the disease of addiction and alcohol is just a symptom" before but it makes perfect sense.

My ex wife (and still my best friend) used to tell me for years that I had no balance. Bit of an understatement that.

Over the years I've got addicted to many things and participated in unhealthy ways. That includes exercise, I wouldn't just go for a run, I had to enter competitions, racing over mountains carrying my own tent and food for two days or enter into one day races that were almost forty miles long up hill and down dale.

I also got addicted to work for many years and definitely feel completely burned out now.

All or nothing - that's me.
Ha, yes indeed, and this is why I ran a 50k through the mountains in November, a 24 hour run through the mountains in December and have 50 miler in less than two weeks : ) Like a good addict, I went from a 5k to doing a 100 mile ultra through the mountains two years ago and have been hooked ever since! My wife tells me the same thing...no moderation!

Glad to see you have a plan and are moving forward!
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Old 01-06-2016, 03:53 AM
  # 292 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
Change is possible tho.

I chased a buzz for nigh on 30 years man and boy - I wanted to escape my surrounds, my life, myself...

But I got clean and sober and...I changed. I worked hard on my life and myself and pretty soon I didn't want to escape anymore.

I feel natural authentic joy now, not a buzz - and it's a joy that comes from, not escaping but rather from being a part of something - whether it's a couple or a family or a social group or just, some days being alive and being a member of the human race.

I would have never thought I could speak in such non cynical terms...but like I say...change really is possible.

I got sober because I was tired of my old life and old thoughts and old patterns of behaviour...

If you're tired of it too, you really can do something about it

D
Thanks D, THIS is the Holy Grail of sobriety and what we're all after! May we all find it as you have! Much respect!
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Old 01-06-2016, 04:22 AM
  # 293 (permalink)  
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So, I'm up early helping kids with homework and enjoying my cup of coffee. Now that I'm not working I have extra time to spend with them and its been a pleasure...sometimes stressful, but grateful nonetheless.

I had asked my friend that has over two years to be my sponsor because he's offered to go through the steps with me over the last 5 months and I figured he knew me better than anyone. Anyways, he was supposed to come over Monday night to talk and get started, but as usual he hasn't followed through. I know this is one of his character flaws, but I was hoping things would be different and God knows I have my own flaws. I'm wondering if I somehow unconsciously picked him knowing he wouldn't follow through so I'd have another resentment and excuse?

Its just, once again, really leaves a bad taste in my mouth for AA and I know, I know...not everyone is like that and whatever he's doing is working, I guess. I don't know, just venting a bit...

I do know I have peace in my heart this morning and I'm grateful that I'm sober and I have the choice to stay that way today!

Have a great one!
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Old 01-06-2016, 04:44 AM
  # 294 (permalink)  
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Hey everyone.

Checking in. Just had a count. 60 days sober today. Feeling good. This is by far the longest period I have not had a drink since my last pregnancy 12 years ago.

Talking of which. I have been wondering about something. I have been a heavy drinker since my 20s, drinking most days of the week and then occasional bad binges . The quantity that I drank increased with the passing of years and I could not moderate. Yet during my 2 pregnancies in my 30s I stopped drinking for 9 months each time never ever cheating once. I don't remember suffering at the time either. Anyone else experience this? Is it simply because as soon as another life dépends on you your brain finally says stop? Because as soon as the pregnancies were over I started drinking again immediately.

I was just reading Dee's great post about finding enjoyment in things when you are no longer buzzed. After only 2 months I can already relate to that. Until now I have thought there is no point doing anything if I can't drink. But I am starting to find pleasure in the simple things in life.. walking the dog because I enjoy it.. walking further than usual because I want to not because I feel a duty to... enjoying interesting documentaries that require some intellectual concentration rather than mind numbing soap operas, I have joined a volunteering group at the local childrens hospital... I can't believe how much I enjoy it and I feel a new kind of "high" when I come home from a shift. So many things. And the most important is this :

My son, age 11 said yesterday, out of the blue "You now you 're a great Mummy". He has never really said anything like that to me before. My eyes filled with tears as I hugged him. I am sure it is because he has noticed how much more present I am for him both emotionally and with my presence. What an amazing BUZZ that gave me. One that I would never have experienced whilst drunk.

I want to continue on this sober path more than anything. Hope you are all slowly winning your own battles.
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Old 01-06-2016, 06:02 AM
  # 295 (permalink)  
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Hi everyone, thank you for the nice comments. I don't have much energy this morning so I'm just checking in real quick. I'm emotionally & physically exhausted from my counseling yesterday. I feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat.

Yesterday I told my counselor that I didn't understand why every time I came in to see her I started crying because I rarely cry. She said it's because "I've tried to stay strong for too long and I always have to LOOK like I've got it all together and a person can only do that for so long..."

I guess that makes sense. Soooo right now I'm just tired & feeling emotions that I have been stuffing or drinking over for years. I've got to walk through this & FEEL it to find my joy and serenity. It hurts but it's better than drinking & feeling nothing at all. I'm gonna get through it!

Sorry I haven't really been there for you guys the past day or so. I'm just feeling like I don't have much to give right now. I'm praying for you guys though!

I could use prayers too if you don't mind. Xoxo
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Old 01-06-2016, 06:41 AM
  # 296 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
Kiki - once I started working on myself, slowly but surely, I started to trust myself and my instincts again...I think that's a major factor in building self -confidence?

D
How do I trust myself Dee? Not only I live with an overcritical husband that points out every little mistake I make, but I am also overly critical with myself. I tend to focus on my weaknesses and forget the accomplishments. How do I change that?

Right now I'm sitting here writing down a small to-do list for the day and all I can think of is "This is too much. I can't do it. I can't do it. I want to go back to bed"
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Old 01-06-2016, 06:42 AM
  # 297 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by KiKi0615 View Post
Hi everyone, thank you for the nice comments. I don't have much energy this morning so I'm just checking in real quick. I'm emotionally & physically exhausted from my counseling yesterday. I feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat.

Yesterday I told my counselor that I didn't understand why every time I came in to see her I started crying because I rarely cry. She said it's because "I've tried to stay strong for too long and I always have to LOOK like I've got it all together and a person can only do that for so long..."

I guess that makes sense. Soooo right now I'm just tired & feeling emotions that I have been stuffing or drinking over for years. I've got to walk through this & FEEL it to find my joy and serenity. It hurts but it's better than drinking & feeling nothing at all. I'm gonna get through it!

Sorry I haven't really been there for you guys the past day or so. I'm just feeling like I don't have much to give right now. I'm praying for you guys though!

I could use prayers too if you don't mind. Xoxo
You are doing an awesome job, and we just don't know what emotions and feel great are going to be hidden under the comforting duvet of drink. It's scary, but it will ultimately make life better for all of us... if we stay sober.

Think how much energy was expended functioning while drunk and holding it mostly together. ... now the drunk has gone it's all there for us to feel and see and realise. ... and to feel relief we don't have to keep on being drunk.

I don't know what is coming, and how it will be... but it looks like u making solid progress and inspiring us all! Xx
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Old 01-06-2016, 06:44 AM
  # 298 (permalink)  
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I'm checking in on day four. I'm not hanging out too much on SR right now, but I'm doing quite well. One of the things I'm doing is I've begun a strict diet regime. That keeps me pretty busy, but it helps me to feel really well. I will be incorporating exercise soon. Hope you're all well, and I look forward to scanning your daytime notes when I get home from work.
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Old 01-06-2016, 07:11 AM
  # 299 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by KiKi0615 View Post
Hi everyone, thank you for the nice comments. I don't have much energy this morning so I'm just checking in real quick. I'm emotionally & physically exhausted from my counseling yesterday. I feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat.

Yesterday I told my counselor that I didn't understand why every time I came in to see her I started crying because I rarely cry. She said it's because "I've tried to stay strong for too long and I always have to LOOK like I've got it all together and a person can only do that for so long..."

I guess that makes sense. Soooo right now I'm just tired & feeling emotions that I have been stuffing or drinking over for years. I've got to walk through this & FEEL it to find my joy and serenity. It hurts but it's better than drinking & feeling nothing at all. I'm gonna get through it!

Sorry I haven't really been there for you guys the past day or so. I'm just feeling like I don't have much to give right now. I'm praying for you guys though!

I could use prayers too if you don't mind. Xoxo
Kiki, you give so much of yourself to others, remember to give to yourself too. We have to learn to love and take care of ourselves first if we have any desire to help others! Praying for you and I know you'll be fine!
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Old 01-06-2016, 08:04 AM
  # 300 (permalink)  
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Ultra- it sounds like you may have picked your sponsor because you thought he was "safe" but you also knew he would likely flake and disappoint you, giving you a reason to slide. Maybe just toss the idea around and look for another sponsor? You're sobriety is so important! What about his sponsor since it's working for him?

Missy-Great job!

Kiki- I hope you feel better today! Working through the crap is painful. (I think)
Fab at 50- I did the same think while I was pregnant! I'm so happy to hear how well you are feeling! A comment like that from our child is so reaffirming!

Day 58 here... And it's pouring rain! I love it!
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