Class of November 2015 Part 8
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 563
Hi Jemma, I'm sorry to hear that things are going badly for you right now. Unfortunately, drinking will only make it worse! Do you have a bit of time to get outside for a walk and a few deep breaths? It helps me to focus on the things that are going well in my life to help me stay centered, and express gratitude for those things.
Thank you for posting and I hope you feel a little better soon!
Thank you for posting and I hope you feel a little better soon!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 5,250
Originally Posted by Jemma44 
Not doing good at all. Lots of stuff has gone down in the last few days. I'm so disappointed in myself, I'm so sad.
None of us will judge. You are one of us....
(((Hug)))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 5,250
Hi all, just a quick check in between AA & counseling.
One thing I realized about myself today while in my AA meeting is I am so insecure (zero confidence)!!! It's painful! That's one thing alcohol really helped with! I have no confidence & I'm not even sure I really like myself. Sad.
I decided to get dressed up, do my hair & makeup etc for the AA meeting today. My sponsor said it would make me feel better.
I felt soooo uncomfortable! I wanted to crawl out of my freaking skin! Everyone was complimenting me & there were men looking at me! I wanted to punch them in the face! Why am I like that? I would rather look terrible so no one ever looks at me! Heck...I get mad when my husband gives me compliments & tells me I look good!
I'm glad I'm at counseling because I need to bring this up! I think this ties into me getting raped when I was in high school??? And my mother always making me feel like I wasn't good enough???
I have soooo much to work on! It's so overwhelming sometimes. It seems like it would be easier to just drink & numb it......but NO! I won't do that! I won't!!!
My AV likes to lie and say it will make everything better....shut the F up AV....you liar!
Soooo....not really sure what kind of day I am having today but the sun is shining and I'm alive and sober so that's a start....
Hope you guys are doing good!
One thing I realized about myself today while in my AA meeting is I am so insecure (zero confidence)!!! It's painful! That's one thing alcohol really helped with! I have no confidence & I'm not even sure I really like myself. Sad.
I decided to get dressed up, do my hair & makeup etc for the AA meeting today. My sponsor said it would make me feel better.
I felt soooo uncomfortable! I wanted to crawl out of my freaking skin! Everyone was complimenting me & there were men looking at me! I wanted to punch them in the face! Why am I like that? I would rather look terrible so no one ever looks at me! Heck...I get mad when my husband gives me compliments & tells me I look good!
I'm glad I'm at counseling because I need to bring this up! I think this ties into me getting raped when I was in high school??? And my mother always making me feel like I wasn't good enough???
I have soooo much to work on! It's so overwhelming sometimes. It seems like it would be easier to just drink & numb it......but NO! I won't do that! I won't!!!
My AV likes to lie and say it will make everything better....shut the F up AV....you liar!
Soooo....not really sure what kind of day I am having today but the sun is shining and I'm alive and sober so that's a start....
Hope you guys are doing good!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,438
Congrats Meshelly 
Jemma this is a safe place to unburden yourself
Kiki - once I started working on myself, slowly but surely, I started to trust myself and my instincts again...I think that's a major factor in building self -confidence?
D
Jemma this is a safe place to unburden yourself
Kiki - once I started working on myself, slowly but surely, I started to trust myself and my instincts again...I think that's a major factor in building self -confidence?
D
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 397
Thanks everyone. You are all so kind. I'm not quite ready to share everything yet. Because it will be a novel and I need to spend some quality time with my baby, who my OH took for several days with my permission.
Sad hard day. But I'm cleaning up this trashed house and this trashed mind. I will pull through this.
Sad hard day. But I'm cleaning up this trashed house and this trashed mind. I will pull through this.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 1,551
Originally Posted by KiKi0615
Hi all, just a quick check in between AA & counseling.
One thing I realized about myself today while in my AA meeting is I am so insecure (zero confidence)!!! It's painful! That's one thing alcohol really helped with! I have no confidence & I'm not even sure I really like myself. Sad.
I decided to get dressed up, do my hair & makeup etc for the AA meeting today. My sponsor said it would make me feel better.
I felt soooo uncomfortable! I wanted to crawl out of my freaking skin! Everyone was complimenting me & there were men looking at me! I wanted to punch them in the face! Why am I like that? I would rather look terrible so no one ever looks at me! Heck...I get mad when my husband gives me compliments & tells me I look good!
I'm glad I'm at counseling because I need to bring this up! I think this ties into me getting raped when I was in high school??? And my mother always making me feel like I wasn't good enough???
I have soooo much to work on! It's so overwhelming sometimes. It seems like it would be easier to just drink & numb it......but NO! I won't do that! I won't!!!
My AV likes to lie and say it will make everything better....shut the F up AV....you liar!
Soooo....not really sure what kind of day I am having today but the sun is shining and I'm alive and sober so that's a start....
Hope you guys are doing good!
One thing I realized about myself today while in my AA meeting is I am so insecure (zero confidence)!!! It's painful! That's one thing alcohol really helped with! I have no confidence & I'm not even sure I really like myself. Sad.
I decided to get dressed up, do my hair & makeup etc for the AA meeting today. My sponsor said it would make me feel better.
I felt soooo uncomfortable! I wanted to crawl out of my freaking skin! Everyone was complimenting me & there were men looking at me! I wanted to punch them in the face! Why am I like that? I would rather look terrible so no one ever looks at me! Heck...I get mad when my husband gives me compliments & tells me I look good!
I'm glad I'm at counseling because I need to bring this up! I think this ties into me getting raped when I was in high school??? And my mother always making me feel like I wasn't good enough???
I have soooo much to work on! It's so overwhelming sometimes. It seems like it would be easier to just drink & numb it......but NO! I won't do that! I won't!!!
My AV likes to lie and say it will make everything better....shut the F up AV....you liar!
Soooo....not really sure what kind of day I am having today but the sun is shining and I'm alive and sober so that's a start....
Hope you guys are doing good!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 1,551
Originally Posted by Jemma44
Thanks everyone. You are all so kind. I'm not quite ready to share everything yet. Because it will be a novel and I need to spend some quality time with my baby, who my OH took for several days with my permission.
Sad hard day. But I'm cleaning up this trashed house and this trashed mind. I will pull through this.
Sad hard day. But I'm cleaning up this trashed house and this trashed mind. I will pull through this.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 1,551
Originally Posted by tufty13
Morning all,
Happy New Year to you all, I hope 2016 brings sobriety (or continued sobriety) to all my classmates.
I've been reading your updates but not posting, mainly due to shame.
I had my first sober festive season for about thirty six years and despite attending a few boozy affairs, I have been and still am, steadfastly ignoring the temptation to drink.
However, it is now apparent that I'm not just an alcoholic but a full blown addict. This shouldn't be a surprise to me but sobriety has certainly highlighted my addictive personality and my desire to thrill seek or get high.
My caffeine and sugar intake have both gone through the roof. I've been actively seeking out, purchasing and smoking cannabis for the first time in a long while and worst of all I've been engaging in unhealthy sexual activity. They all seam to feed off each other.
What a complete **** - up I am. I need to sort this all out.
Happy New Year to you all, I hope 2016 brings sobriety (or continued sobriety) to all my classmates.
I've been reading your updates but not posting, mainly due to shame.
I had my first sober festive season for about thirty six years and despite attending a few boozy affairs, I have been and still am, steadfastly ignoring the temptation to drink.
However, it is now apparent that I'm not just an alcoholic but a full blown addict. This shouldn't be a surprise to me but sobriety has certainly highlighted my addictive personality and my desire to thrill seek or get high.
My caffeine and sugar intake have both gone through the roof. I've been actively seeking out, purchasing and smoking cannabis for the first time in a long while and worst of all I've been engaging in unhealthy sexual activity. They all seam to feed off each other.
What a complete **** - up I am. I need to sort this all out.
I'm an addict through an through as well. I think it was ultradad who said replace the negative addiction with positive addictions. I agree with that method wholeheartedly. Idle hands, ya know?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 1,551
Originally Posted by rah555
Morning all! Checking in, day 5. Feeling pretty good. I know I can do this if I can learn how to handle situations in which I am tempted and if I can break the habits my husband and I have fallen into. Just this morning my husband was looking at groupons on line...he came across one for a party at a local martini bar. Ugh!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 1,551
I kept my original counter even though I messed up. Today would be 53 days. :-) otherwise I'm at 10. Meh.
I laugh at all this dry January stuff on social media and people freaking about abstaining for 30days. Try dry life?! Lol.
I'm at work, positive mood. Been making a habit of the elliptical and it feels great, even starting to slim down a bit. Nursing classes start back up next Tuesday and I've found a PT job in the emergency department I'm going to apply for.
With you all, I hope you are doing well today. :-)
I laugh at all this dry January stuff on social media and people freaking about abstaining for 30days. Try dry life?! Lol.
I'm at work, positive mood. Been making a habit of the elliptical and it feels great, even starting to slim down a bit. Nursing classes start back up next Tuesday and I've found a PT job in the emergency department I'm going to apply for.
With you all, I hope you are doing well today. :-)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 5,250
Originally Posted by bblackbirdflyy
Sorry today was stressful kiki. :-( I struggle with confidence as well. I'm way harder on myself than I would be with anyone else. You are such a great, caring person. Remember to be kind to yourself. :-)
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 678
Quick check-in at the end of 44 sober days. Counseling tomorrow...gonna start digging into my past a bit more to try to deal with it rather than being in denial of it. It's not so easy to open up about my dark drunken days so we'll see how it goes. Ironically, the only time I ever felt comfortable on these topics is when I was drunk. Go figure...
Thanks to all of my fellow Novembers out there. Glad to be part of this journey with you.
Thanks to all of my fellow Novembers out there. Glad to be part of this journey with you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 5,250
Today was ROUGH! We really dug into some extremely painful stuff in therapy today! I cried & cried but it felt liberating! My therapist is extremely validating!
Of course once I opened that painful can of worms, I wanted to drink soooo bad after therapy was over! I did NOT want to feel that pain! We ripped a bandage off that I have on for YEARS and started sorting through it! Painful stuff!
I didn't drink! I called my sponsor instead & she was the rational voice I needed. I realized that I can be in a lot of pain & I don't NEED to drink! My feelings won't kill me & they will pass.
I have A LOT of work to do but in the end it will be worth it! My therapist called me a trauma survivor today...a SURVIVOR!
Thanks for letting me vent today!!!
Of course once I opened that painful can of worms, I wanted to drink soooo bad after therapy was over! I did NOT want to feel that pain! We ripped a bandage off that I have on for YEARS and started sorting through it! Painful stuff!
I didn't drink! I called my sponsor instead & she was the rational voice I needed. I realized that I can be in a lot of pain & I don't NEED to drink! My feelings won't kill me & they will pass.
I have A LOT of work to do but in the end it will be worth it! My therapist called me a trauma survivor today...a SURVIVOR!
Thanks for letting me vent today!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 5,250
Originally Posted by SoberMarathon
Quick check-in at the end of 44 sober days. Counseling tomorrow...gonna start digging into my past a bit more to try to deal with it rather than being in denial of it. It's not so easy to open up about my dark drunken days so we'll see how it goes. Ironically, the only time I ever felt comfortable on these topics is when I was drunk. Go figure... Thanks to all of my fellow Novembers out there. Glad to be part of this journey with you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 563
Great job making it through the day, Kiki! You accomplished a lot today and you should be proud of yourself! The hard work will absolutely pay off. And regarding your post earlier about feeling uncomfortable around others, I'm the same way. I spent years not taking care of myself and once I got sober I started to actually CARE about myself, and I wanted to look nice and feel nice. And that of course attracts attention, but I think it just takes a little getting used to. You are doing an AMAZING job and you inspire me everyday
Blackbird, I'm glad that you are doing well Way to hit the elliptical - I like it too. Some people make fun of it as not really being a workout but I work up a real sweat on that thing sometimes! Keep up the good work
SoberMarathon, good luck with the counseling session. You are definitely moving in the right direction. As Kiki mentioned, bringing up the past demons can be triggering, so keep us close just in case the AV gets loud.
Thinking about you, Jemma. We are here for you (((Jemma)))
Glad to hear things are looking up, Missy!
I hope everyone else is well! Day 42 here Let's keep the sober train rollin!
Blackbird, I'm glad that you are doing well
Way to hit the elliptical - I like it too. Some people make fun of it as not really being a workout but I work up a real sweat on that thing sometimes! Keep up the good work SoberMarathon, good luck with the counseling session. You are definitely moving in the right direction. As Kiki mentioned, bringing up the past demons can be triggering, so keep us close just in case the AV gets loud.
Thinking about you, Jemma. We are here for you (((Jemma)))
Glad to hear things are looking up, Missy!
I hope everyone else is well! Day 42 here
Let's keep the sober train rollin!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Somerset
Posts: 933
Originally Posted by Dee74
I think a recovery plan will work for all those things Tufty.
I'd get rid of the weed right away for the simple reason it can make some very bad ideas seem good.
D
I'd get rid of the weed right away for the simple reason it can make some very bad ideas seem good.
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Somerset
Posts: 933
Originally Posted by ultradad
Tufty,
I feel you and I'm glad you posted! This disease is the disease of addiction and alcohol is just a symptom, I can attest to that as well! I never do anything halfway! Be it alcohol, drugs, sex or food! It's good that you can see the patterns and hopefully you can get a working plan. Working through the pain, shame, fear and getting to the root is Paramount, but I also believe in replacing 'bad' addictions and obsessions with 'good' ones...I focus in exercise, reading and getting outside and it really does help! Isolation is an enemy!
We're here for you!
I feel you and I'm glad you posted! This disease is the disease of addiction and alcohol is just a symptom, I can attest to that as well! I never do anything halfway! Be it alcohol, drugs, sex or food! It's good that you can see the patterns and hopefully you can get a working plan. Working through the pain, shame, fear and getting to the root is Paramount, but I also believe in replacing 'bad' addictions and obsessions with 'good' ones...I focus in exercise, reading and getting outside and it really does help! Isolation is an enemy!
We're here for you!
You are spot on with your comments and it's helpful to be reminded of the truth. I'd not heard "this disease is the disease of addiction and alcohol is just a symptom" before but it makes perfect sense.
My ex wife (and still my best friend) used to tell me for years that I had no balance. Bit of an understatement that.
Over the years I've got addicted to many things and participated in unhealthy ways. That includes exercise, I wouldn't just go for a run, I had to enter competitions, racing over mountains carrying my own tent and food for two days or enter into one day races that were almost forty miles long up hill and down dale.
I also got addicted to work for many years and definitely feel completely burned out now.
All or nothing - that's me.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Somerset
Posts: 933
Originally Posted by KiKi0615
Tufty-I agree with others...I think a recovery plan would really help you get to the underlying causes of your need to self-medicate. I wouldn't recommend anything that I wasn't doing myself. :-) And you are NOT screwed up! You seem like a really good person with a few things to work through and once you get through them you will be so strong! Someday you will be able to help others with your experience. Hang in there & keep putting one foot in front of the other! :-)
You seem to be doing great!
I am considering going back into therapy, I haven't spoken to anyone for years and when I did it wasn't about addiction.
Is it really important to understand the causes? I'm unsure if I have anything left to uncover. I'm acutely aware of my own "stuff" and I'm not 100% convinced that finding out anymore will help me change my behaviour.
To me it feels like I just need to get on and put a halt to the self medicating.
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