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Old 04-22-2013, 03:24 PM   #461 (permalink)
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I know what you mean my friend
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Old 04-22-2013, 03:26 PM   #462 (permalink)
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Yes, that's exactly it. I thought I could have one to take the edge off. I thought I deserved it because part of getting sober was to make the wife happy. And now we're divorced and she's taking the kids. Well to heck with her, I can have one. I'm not a kid anymore.

If I had been paying attention to everything I had learned in AA then it would not have been a problem. If I had only remembered "the first drink gets you drunk" I would not have taken it.

It gets a LOT easier, especially if you're paying attention and working your program.
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Old 04-22-2013, 03:28 PM   #463 (permalink)
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Sorry goat am behind in posting I see what happend and I to would have probley done the same, that's a horrible thing to have happend,
Glad you have pulled back now
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Old 04-22-2013, 03:32 PM   #464 (permalink)
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To finish off the story, since then I have not gone to AA except a handful of times, I had some bad experiences with specific AA meetings that I should have just brushed off with other meetings, and I have been on a 4 months sober/two months drunk relapse cycle for, what, 6 years now?

SR helped a lot when I first found it, and as long as I came here I didn't drink. That was a pretty good sober stint in 2009. But I started to forget again....

In all that time nothing major changed. Not this time. I have HAD IT. AA every day (or close to it). SR every day. Sponsor and Steps. Outpatient counseling. Therapist. Whatever it takes. And I am NOT going to stop. This is the END of alcohol for me.
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Old 04-22-2013, 03:34 PM   #465 (permalink)
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Hey and my ex took the kids to and wasn't any of my doing it is a hard pillow to sleep with, especially that it was no fault of my own, like you said to hell with her got my kids to be there for as I still have them every week,they calm me down also
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Old 04-22-2013, 03:36 PM   #466 (permalink)
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Lets do this
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Old 04-22-2013, 03:39 PM   #467 (permalink)
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Damn straight let's do this. Heh, that last line ending with "This is the END..." felt real good to write

Felt like that Slayer song I used to listen to at Maximum F'n Volume right before I took an exam when I was in college. Hand me my sword 'cause I'm ready for battle!
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Old 04-22-2013, 03:41 PM   #468 (permalink)
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Speakin' of which... AA meeting in less than an hour. Thanks Mallard

Back soon
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Old 04-22-2013, 03:44 PM   #469 (permalink)
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Man, School vacation week is finally over here. I am reading through days worth of posts to catch up. Sounds like quite a bit has happened and we've had a bunch of people join us! Sorry if I miss you!

emilyalice - Welcome! Your little boy is sweet. Keep at it! My DH was the same way for a long time about not seeing my problem. He sees it now, not so much as a problem still, but clearly if I think I have a problem, and have thought so for years, and have tried unsucessfully numerous times to quit, no matter how "functional" I may be, maybe the alcoholic shoe fits. It's a relief to have him accept it, because now he no longer sounds like my AV. I find that reading helps my adrenaline rush quite a bit. Not at first, but within a couple of pages (provided it's a good book) I shift into the story. It's still escapism, but it's better than drinking.

newlife79, Ali2013, DG0409, silverotter, Iwantmeback, April14, & mtbakerboarder - Welcome!

Dee74 - Vigilence. A very interesting topic. How do you stay vigilant about your sobriety? More on this below.?

fruitymarzipan - Glad you made it through work! GREAT JOB!

Goat - that stinks about your car being impounded. Good for you for admitting your fault in the situation and not blaming the government for it's stinking rules. Even though you're bumming, it's showing your family that you're taking responsibility for the situation, and that rocks in my book! That's a HUGE VICTORY getting rid of the shot glasses too. You're really inspiring me! That is funny about the exhaust system. Yes, I would think you'd notice that falling off! Being a "dry drunk" as you call it is one of my worst fears. My mom has been a dry drunk for 20+ years. She will say, "I didn't need AA. I just decided not to drink." I'd rather drown in the bottle than live that way. Fortunately, it's not an either/or.

Napster - Surf the grumpy. Interesting...I don't know how to do that. I more either bottle or explode the rage, then once the situation is over, I either have exploded, or am able to dump the bottle out later. I don't really hold onto the rage too long, but surfing it doesn't seem possible. How do you do it? Congrats on getting the bid out!

4Surf4Life - Third times a charm! Stick with us. We're a good group.

raja12 - congrats on making it through the weekend!

Liza - How are you doing today?

Ladybug2 - I had 3 desserts last night. Chocolate cake, brie with crackers, AND fruit salad covered in chocolate syrup with whipped cream on top and I don't even like sweets! But you're right. I didn't drink!

Dorris - Good for you! What is it about MIL's....

xMystiquex - Welcome! I wouldn't be interested in a NA beer. Begs the question of if I like beer so much, why aren't I drinking the real thing? Plus, I never liked beer all that much to begin with, particularly the type that comes in a NA version, and it has a ton of calories. I'd rather a diet coke.

DG0409 - What snacks are you finding help best with the cravings?

Beavis - What is Evan Williams? See my post to emilyalice above re: hubbies in denial.

AnotherPaul - Sorry about the funk. The thought of vodka in the freezer has me twitching a bit.

All Moody People - thanks for fessing up! See my rant below.

Day 25 (am I in prison or some sort of hostage crisis, this day counting is starting to bug me, but I like seeing your day counters, so I will tell my AV to shove it and continue counting)- We had an OD meeting today at AA in which the speaker didn't pick a topic, and I almost spoke up to ask what people do to keep vigilent, but the conversation quickly turned into how we shouldn't scare away newcomers (I guess something happened at some other meeting I wasn't at where some old timer told two "still twitchy newcomers" that there was not such thing as triggers, only choices, and the two newcomers got up and left.) This sponned a very intersting discussion which I enjoyed listening to very much, but I digress. I have been noticing that this week, with a couple of exceptions, was pretty easy. There were times when I didn't think about booze at all, and one time when I walked to the cabinet and was confused as to why I wanted cereal, only to realize that it's also where I keep the booze (cereal on lower shelf, booze on upper shelf), but I looked at the booze and didn't want it. But it must have been a subconcious thing, but anyway. What do you do to stay vigilent. I mean, obviously I want to stay sober and have serenity in my sobriety, but I feel like everytime I start feeling like "ok, this isn't so bad," I get whacked with this hit of anxiety of asking when the other shoe will drop. Do you know what I mean?

This afternoon was totally obnoxious and all I could do to keep it together. I constantly just wanted a drink and to SCREAM AT MY CHILDREN! This is the first day back from school vacation. They were bonkers from the second I picked them up in the car, and just couldn't function or keep it together at all. I would send them up to pick up their room, and 10 seconds later, they'd be playing the recorder instead. After asking my almost 10 year old multiple times to check the backstairs for his belongings, I had to forceably push him across the kitchen to get him to move. It was awful. I made some tea but it's NOT THE SAME! AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! I HATE TRANSITIONS!!!!!
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Old 04-22-2013, 04:05 PM   #470 (permalink)
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Morning of day 2 and feeling pretty good. It's a beautiful day and I've got plenty to do. Plan is for some exercise and guitar practice before work, a few errands, swim after work and early to bed.

Really going to focus on staying busy and productive, as I tend to turn to "just one or two" when I get bored. This is made even more difficult by the fact that there is a beer VENDING MACHINE 30 seconds from my front door.

I have slowly been trying to catch up on the thread, but it's going to take a while. I'm excited to be a part if this group! Have a great day everyone!
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Old 04-22-2013, 04:08 PM   #471 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Goat View Post
* edit: I realized this could be taken to mean I think other people's kids are not well-behaved or intelligent. That is NOT what I meant... please don't take it that way
Some other people's kids AREN'T well-behaved or intelligent. Not saying any of those ones are the ones on this forum though.
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Old 04-22-2013, 04:31 PM   #472 (permalink)
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MustLoveCoffee--

As far as the best snacks go, I've been going for:
  • nuts
  • dried fruit
  • fresh fruit
  • canned fruit
  • string cheese
  • crackers & cheese
  • yogurt
  • applesauce
  • milk & cereal


I probably have been eating 8 or so 100-200 calorie snacks from the list and then a another real meal or two of some sort each day.

I have been going for things that are quick and easy because I don't need the stress of preparing stuff and when I notice I'm hungry, I want something I can have IMMEDIATELY. I read an article about PAWS that talked about ways to eat to minimize symptoms and avoid cravings and I've been trying to follow the guidelines there.

I have been avoiding sugar entirely, with the exception of what occurs naturally in the fruit I eat. I did initially have some sugar cravings, but I read that sugar is very similar to alcohol and by doing that you kind of continue the sugar/alcohol addiction. I found that a healthy snack and a couple of glasses of water cured the sugar craving anyway, and made me feel better than eating sugar does (it leaves me jittery, not something I need now).

I HIGHLY recommend reading this article: Why We Donít Get Better Immediately: Post-acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS) | What...Me Sober?. I found it to be very informative and helpful in understanding what we go through after we quit and it had some great information on eating to minimize the bad symptoms and cravings.

-DG
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Old 04-22-2013, 05:55 PM   #473 (permalink)
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I'm back from my aa meeting and.... I have a sponsor for the first time ever!
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Old 04-22-2013, 06:24 PM   #474 (permalink)
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Good for you, Goat!
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Old 04-22-2013, 06:26 PM   #475 (permalink)
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Hi all, end of Day 16. Have had a pretty tough evening and feeling a bit emotional. Just went to take a shower and had a good cry by myself. The day started off pretty good, but then all of a sudden AV showed up and just kept nagging and nagging and nagging. I was so close to caving. I think I finally just became so exhausted from fighting it that I was too tired to even go to liquor store. My husband was in a rotten mood, too, due to work issues so that didn't help. He asked me a couple of times if I was OK, but instead of trying to talk to him about it I just wanted to bite his head off and scream "NO I AM NOT OK and you'll never understand!!!!" Uggghhh, I guess we will have these days, but they are very discouraging and exhausting. Why can't AV just go play in the street and get hit by a car? Will it ever die?

Sorry to be such a bummer, but thanks for letting me vent. I am sure tomorrow will be a better day and it will be Day 18
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Old 04-22-2013, 06:27 PM   #476 (permalink)
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Oops, getting ahead of myself, tomorrow will be Day 17
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Old 04-22-2013, 07:18 PM   #477 (permalink)
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Hi Ladybug! The fight is rough but you're still fighting!

I love the idea of the AV playing in the street
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Old 04-22-2013, 07:22 PM   #478 (permalink)
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Doing well on day 16. I realized that I am sleeping better too, no more waking up at 3AM and fitful sleep. Part of my waking up so early was that I could not make it much past 9PM without crashing, staying up and going to bed at a more reasonable time.

Got some writing done that I had put off as well.
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Old 04-22-2013, 07:53 PM   #479 (permalink)
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Well, day 14 is almost done for me... that makes 2 WEEKS!!

Today was really pretty good day. I was able to focus and work productively. I didn't spend all day on SR just trying not to drink. I am behind at work due to the many years of drinking, and it's going to take a while to get caught back up, but at least I can sit down and focus and work productively. This evening, I had dinner and a long walk with my headphones and some music and everything felt perfect.

I feel calm, relaxed... sane. I was starting to feel seriously psychotic drinking. I felt intensely anxious, paranoid, afraid, unable to focus or work, a complete lack of desire to do anything other than get drunk. I was a wreck after years of drinking every night. I read about people on here that only drank on the weekends, and I can't really even comprehend the idea of sober days between the drunk ones. Sometimes I had 'sober' mornings, which I now realize were actually rather hung-over mornings and I started drinking again long before the hang-over was gone.

I don't know exactly where I'm going with this. Looking back at my alcohol use, I know I had a serious problem. Unlike some on here, I can't say I've had much of a pattern of quitting and relapsing... it makes me question my alcoholism. Although in a way, it makes me MORE sure of my alcoholism. There was no quitting and relapsing because I couldn't even quit for a fricking day. (Well, I DID quit for 11 days once, but was right back at it).

Part of me thinks it's a miracle I escaped from that haze. Part of me is still surprised to find myself quit. In some ways, I just want to hold on to not drinking for as long as I can because I'm scared if I let this go I'd never stop again. But I know that's not true either. I know something in me HAS to be free.

There is a 'me' inside that is stronger and smarter than I can even imagine or I never would have even made it to two weeks. I'm not even quite sure what it was that finally made me blindly, crazily, flee from the dark trap... I was just SO SCARED. I felt insane. I felt so much anguish it was unbelievable and I had to get away from that.

I never realized that 2 weeks without alcohol would cure so much. Things aren't perfect now, by any means... I have a LONG way to go and lots of work to get my life where I want it... but I can THINK clearly, or at least more clearly... it's getting there. I can rationally handle emotions rather than just stewing on problems and feeling like crud. I don't wake up in intense emotional pain/feeling tired and groggy and grouchy and like utter crap.

I know there is still progress to be made. Some days are better than others. Sometimes, I want to lose it. I cried yesterday just because I was so frustrated by not being able to remember stuff and think like I used to be able to... it's getting better, partly I cried to let out the on-going frustration I was starting to feel as an alcoholic about not being able to remember things, like I was sad for what my alcoholic me had been through.
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Old 04-22-2013, 07:56 PM   #480 (permalink)
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Hi Drake... I have the opposite problem. Going to bed at a reasonable time once meant before 3 am. For the past 6 days it has meant before 7am. I just can't seem to get tired! And then I want to sleep until noon.

Luckily my work will allow that, but it's still not great.
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