Well, day 14 is almost done for me... that makes 2 WEEKS!!
Today was really pretty good day. I was able to focus and work productively. I didn't spend all day on SR just trying not to drink. I am behind at work due to the many years of drinking, and it's going to take a while to get caught back up, but at least I can sit down and focus and work productively. This evening, I had dinner and a long walk with my headphones and some music and everything felt perfect.
I feel calm, relaxed... sane. I was starting to feel seriously psychotic drinking. I felt intensely anxious, paranoid, afraid, unable to focus or work, a complete lack of desire to do anything other than get drunk. I was a wreck after years of drinking every night. I read about people on here that only drank on the weekends, and I can't really even comprehend the idea of sober days between the drunk ones. Sometimes I had 'sober' mornings, which I now realize were actually rather hung-over mornings and I started drinking again long before the hang-over was gone.
I don't know exactly where I'm going with this. Looking back at my alcohol use, I know I had a serious problem. Unlike some on here, I can't say I've had much of a pattern of quitting and relapsing... it makes me question my alcoholism. Although in a way, it makes me MORE sure of my alcoholism. There was no quitting and relapsing because I couldn't even quit for a fricking day. (Well, I DID quit for 11 days once, but was right back at it).
Part of me thinks it's a miracle I escaped from that haze. Part of me is still surprised to find myself quit. In some ways, I just want to hold on to not drinking for as long as I can because I'm scared if I let this go I'd never stop again. But I know that's not true either. I know something in me HAS to be free.
There is a 'me' inside that is stronger and smarter than I can even imagine or I never would have even made it to two weeks. I'm not even quite sure what it was that finally made me blindly, crazily, flee from the dark trap... I was just SO SCARED. I felt insane. I felt so much anguish it was unbelievable and I had to get away from that.
I never realized that 2 weeks without alcohol would cure so much. Things aren't perfect now, by any means... I have a LONG way to go and lots of work to get my life where I want it... but I can THINK clearly, or at least more clearly... it's getting there. I can rationally handle emotions rather than just stewing on problems and feeling like crud. I don't wake up in intense emotional pain/feeling tired and groggy and grouchy and like utter crap.
I know there is still progress to be made. Some days are better than others. Sometimes, I want to lose it. I cried yesterday just because I was so frustrated by not being able to remember stuff and think like I used to be able to... it's getting better, partly I cried to let out the on-going frustration I was starting to feel as an alcoholic about not being able to remember things, like I was sad for what my alcoholic me had been through.