Class of April 2013 Part 2
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Olde England
Posts: 528
Originally Posted by Goat 
I was an alcoholic the very instant I got drunk the first time. I know that's not everyone's experience, but it can happen. I knew the way I drank wasn't normal right from the start,
my folks looked for the nearest sandpit and lodged thier heads firmly in the depths, 35 now and I think I've finally self taught myself the message - many thanks to the founders and Mods behind SR!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: The South Pacific
Posts: 306
I'm like Goat.
Pretty sure the first time I ever got drunk--I was like: WOW! THIS IS INCREDIBLE! Instant alcoholic, just add _________.
I've fought and battled with the same internal voice that is a whiny little b---h about never having a beer again like "normal" people. I've tried to moderate drinking. I've done the whole thing where I have a normal tolerance, and stop after 2 or 3 pints. I've done the whole thing where I enjoy a drink on a night out with my lovely bride. I've done the whole thing where I'm on vacation--and what the Hell? Might as well drink at the pool. Everyone else is.
I've done it all, and ended up back to my true, usual alcoholic self. Hiding, spending, forgetting, cleaning up, feeling miserable, depressed, anxious, and ashamed.
I'm sick of it. If it takes never having a drink again to avoid feeling those things? So be it.
I don't want to.
Yes. I love beer. The fact that microbreweries are all the rage now...does make me a bit misty that I can't partake. But. Thems the breaks. Enjoying a microbrew today means in a week, month, 6 months, year...I'll be sick, incarcerated, or dead.
Once I start drinking, it's just a ridiculous slide into a delusional idiot that doesn't care about a damn thing, or body until the day's drinking is satisfied. And I hate that guy. I wish I was Joe Normal. But...I've also wished that I had a pet dragon.
No wishes satisfied yet. I just can't drink. Period. Moderation is not for me. Abstinence is.
Pretty sure the first time I ever got drunk--I was like: WOW! THIS IS INCREDIBLE! Instant alcoholic, just add _________.
I've fought and battled with the same internal voice that is a whiny little b---h about never having a beer again like "normal" people. I've tried to moderate drinking. I've done the whole thing where I have a normal tolerance, and stop after 2 or 3 pints. I've done the whole thing where I enjoy a drink on a night out with my lovely bride. I've done the whole thing where I'm on vacation--and what the Hell? Might as well drink at the pool. Everyone else is.
I've done it all, and ended up back to my true, usual alcoholic self. Hiding, spending, forgetting, cleaning up, feeling miserable, depressed, anxious, and ashamed.
I'm sick of it. If it takes never having a drink again to avoid feeling those things? So be it.
I don't want to.
Yes. I love beer. The fact that microbreweries are all the rage now...does make me a bit misty that I can't partake. But. Thems the breaks. Enjoying a microbrew today means in a week, month, 6 months, year...I'll be sick, incarcerated, or dead.
Once I start drinking, it's just a ridiculous slide into a delusional idiot that doesn't care about a damn thing, or body until the day's drinking is satisfied. And I hate that guy. I wish I was Joe Normal. But...I've also wished that I had a pet dragon.
No wishes satisfied yet. I just can't drink. Period. Moderation is not for me. Abstinence is.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 141
Beavis - Mom of the Year, that's my title. LOL
Soccer Moms - My kids would not be caught dead (or maybe you'd have to kill them first to get them) on a soccer field. I feel fortunate in that.
Citrus - Tornados! Yikes. Glad we don't deal with those frequently here either!
purplelily - congrats on making it to double digit days!
Duffster - What are you doing for exercise? Glad that you don't feel like it's a true day one again.
Scoutie - Once again cracking me up with the soccer mom thing. You definitely get to be class clown.
fruitymarzipan - what is netball?
loki7 - hmm...I wonder if it is the short term planning that is helping. I have a long term plan that I frequently want to throw out the window (tonight included) and I keep recommitting for the day. I wonder if that's helping?
napster - good luck at the sales conference. What's your plan for avoiding temptation?
mmhoule - congrats on your new commitment. What are you doing different this time?
goat - yikes, I hope you get the house arrest! (what an odd thing to say, but YKWIM)
Laura14 - congrats on Day 5!
I went from binge drinker (didn't know when to say when) pretty much the second I started picking up. I left college, and I left drinking behind. It was pretty easy actually starting my new "adult" life, drinking at bars is expensive! Then we had some parties and bought some liquor and had liquor at home, life got hard, and I picked up 6 or 7 years ago, and kept picking up again, every night. Some times I was in control, other times I'd drink until I was sick. Over the last few years, I've been able to "moderate" at 4 or so drinks a night most nights. Since I wasn't getting sick and was waking up the next morning still able to function, I was willing to mostly let it go, but with a constant nag in my head. Particularly when I was going to "not drink to night." Then ________ would happen, and I would decide I could start not drinking tomorrow instead. I don't think I've ever had a good relationship with alcohol, but I have put it down for long periods before (during pregnancy, early adulthood, etc.)
Day 21. Three weeks! My AV is starting to play tricks again. "See, giving it up was SOOOO easy! Surely you can drink occasionally!" Really don't know why I let him hang around (and yes, my AV is a man, I'm pretty sure! Anyone want to shrink that one?)
A
Soccer Moms - My kids would not be caught dead (or maybe you'd have to kill them first to get them) on a soccer field. I feel fortunate in that.
Citrus - Tornados! Yikes. Glad we don't deal with those frequently here either!
purplelily - congrats on making it to double digit days!
Duffster - What are you doing for exercise? Glad that you don't feel like it's a true day one again.
Scoutie - Once again cracking me up with the soccer mom thing. You definitely get to be class clown.
fruitymarzipan - what is netball?
loki7 - hmm...I wonder if it is the short term planning that is helping. I have a long term plan that I frequently want to throw out the window (tonight included) and I keep recommitting for the day. I wonder if that's helping?
napster - good luck at the sales conference. What's your plan for avoiding temptation?
mmhoule - congrats on your new commitment. What are you doing different this time?
goat - yikes, I hope you get the house arrest! (what an odd thing to say, but YKWIM)
Laura14 - congrats on Day 5!
I went from binge drinker (didn't know when to say when) pretty much the second I started picking up. I left college, and I left drinking behind. It was pretty easy actually starting my new "adult" life, drinking at bars is expensive! Then we had some parties and bought some liquor and had liquor at home, life got hard, and I picked up 6 or 7 years ago, and kept picking up again, every night. Some times I was in control, other times I'd drink until I was sick. Over the last few years, I've been able to "moderate" at 4 or so drinks a night most nights. Since I wasn't getting sick and was waking up the next morning still able to function, I was willing to mostly let it go, but with a constant nag in my head. Particularly when I was going to "not drink to night." Then ________ would happen, and I would decide I could start not drinking tomorrow instead. I don't think I've ever had a good relationship with alcohol, but I have put it down for long periods before (during pregnancy, early adulthood, etc.)
Day 21. Three weeks! My AV is starting to play tricks again. "See, giving it up was SOOOO easy! Surely you can drink occasionally!" Really don't know why I let him hang around (and yes, my AV is a man, I'm pretty sure! Anyone want to shrink that one?)
A
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 33
Tried quitting cold turkey sunday. Lasted about two and a half days. Was having withdrawls and physical symptoms i wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. So i made it to the doctor today (thanks to members here) and spilled the beans. Been drinking all my life. Very heavy the last... i don't know how long. I drink a LOT every single night. It has seriously controlled and messed up my life. Pushed away about everyone that has ever tried to get close to me. I just want to be a different person and rid myself of this evil.
Administrator
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,372
I spent 20 years desperately wanting to be a 'normal' drinker, Loki
Nothing I tried ever worked - the catch was always, no matter how good my intent, alcohol changed me, and I never had control over anything after my first drink.
Some times things turned out ok, other times not...but it was never really my call.
Do nOt underestimate this thing.
Sometimes Beavis, I'm afraid all it took was one glass to draw me back in.
The only thing that worked for me is removing alcohol entirely.
6 years on, it continues to work...for a guy who could never go 3 days without a drink, I'm not going to argue with those results.
I think acceptance is the greatest hurdle...for some of us that 'drinking like a normal person' ideal is a decades old dream.
But I've gained so much from not drinking, it's laughable to me now that I fought so hard to keep alcohol in my life.
D
Nothing I tried ever worked - the catch was always, no matter how good my intent, alcohol changed me, and I never had control over anything after my first drink.
Some times things turned out ok, other times not...but it was never really my call.
Do nOt underestimate this thing.
Sometimes Beavis, I'm afraid all it took was one glass to draw me back in.
The only thing that worked for me is removing alcohol entirely.
6 years on, it continues to work...for a guy who could never go 3 days without a drink, I'm not going to argue with those results.
I think acceptance is the greatest hurdle...for some of us that 'drinking like a normal person' ideal is a decades old dream.
But I've gained so much from not drinking, it's laughable to me now that I fought so hard to keep alcohol in my life.
D
Administrator
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,372
Originally Posted by Duffster
Dee told me early on to just accept that drinking is not an option for me and that advice changed my life. Accepting that one fact stopped the arguing that was constantly going on in my head. Once I accepted that I just cannot drink, period, I was able to let go of the fantasy that I could that I could drink in moderation, or that it was ever even an option.
That said, I did slip after 2 months. I'm still not totally sure how since I wasn't intending on drinking that day when I left the house. I just let my guard down and I wasn't thinking. I suppose I was hoping that I could have a few, get a bit of a buzz, and all would be fine. Needless to say that did not happen. While I'm disappointed that I slipped I am in a much better place this time around since I am armed with the "take it off the table as an option" advice and my "experiment," if you will, was a disaster.
Not easy stuff, is it? I feel everyone's struggles.
That said, I did slip after 2 months. I'm still not totally sure how since I wasn't intending on drinking that day when I left the house. I just let my guard down and I wasn't thinking. I suppose I was hoping that I could have a few, get a bit of a buzz, and all would be fine. Needless to say that did not happen. While I'm disappointed that I slipped I am in a much better place this time around since I am armed with the "take it off the table as an option" advice and my "experiment," if you will, was a disaster.
Not easy stuff, is it? I feel everyone's struggles.
I found it really useful to have a plan for every scenario I could think of, at least until I knew that 'off the table' would be my instinctual response from now on
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 3,072
Hi folks--I'm still here--reading everyone's comments has been very cathartic. So much of what you all are saying I can relate to.
Dee-your "Take drinking off the table" is great. And I appreciate the response to Duffster to consider responses to different scenerios until it becomes habit.
I'll post later as to my story and where I'm at right now but wanted to say how much you all are helping me.
Dee-your "Take drinking off the table" is great. And I appreciate the response to Duffster to consider responses to different scenerios until it becomes habit.
I'll post later as to my story and where I'm at right now but wanted to say how much you all are helping me.
2 detoxes down, 0 to go
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 284
Well, I guess I belong in this class now.
I had 83 days sober then I relapsed. Just decided to get a bottle of vodka and get good and drunk one time for old time's sake. 7 weeks later, I was back up to a liter a day and had to go through a Librium detox all over again because the physical withdrawals were already back full force like they had been the first time I quit after about 15 years of daily abuse.
This is day 13 since I went to the ER and got back on the Librium for a week. I'm actually feeling okay. I don't feel like all the progress of those first 83 days was lost. But I know I made a really bad mistake and I can't ever do it again or there's a very real chance that it'll kill me. I can't drink even one beer or I'll drink to, or nearly to, the point of blacking out. And that's how it's always been with me. I have to accept it and just face the fact that I'm done; that alcohol is poison to me; that I'll never be able to drink "normally" or "socially"; and that I'm no good to myself or anyone else when I'm passed out on the floor. I missed out on the prime of my life and now I'm 37, and whether I have one day or ten thousand days left here, I'm not going to miss out on another one. I'm done.
So, my sobriety date is 04/06/2013.
Best wishes and best of luck to all on your journeys. May we make it there together.
I had 83 days sober then I relapsed. Just decided to get a bottle of vodka and get good and drunk one time for old time's sake. 7 weeks later, I was back up to a liter a day and had to go through a Librium detox all over again because the physical withdrawals were already back full force like they had been the first time I quit after about 15 years of daily abuse.
This is day 13 since I went to the ER and got back on the Librium for a week. I'm actually feeling okay. I don't feel like all the progress of those first 83 days was lost. But I know I made a really bad mistake and I can't ever do it again or there's a very real chance that it'll kill me. I can't drink even one beer or I'll drink to, or nearly to, the point of blacking out. And that's how it's always been with me. I have to accept it and just face the fact that I'm done; that alcohol is poison to me; that I'll never be able to drink "normally" or "socially"; and that I'm no good to myself or anyone else when I'm passed out on the floor. I missed out on the prime of my life and now I'm 37, and whether I have one day or ten thousand days left here, I'm not going to miss out on another one. I'm done.
So, my sobriety date is 04/06/2013.
Best wishes and best of luck to all on your journeys. May we make it there together.
capra laeviculus
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: German Village, OH
Posts: 3,427
Well I didn't get to go to my meeting tonight. My son had a surprise baseball scrimmage and I was not going to disappoint him by not being there.
Not making an excuse, here. If I had known about the game earlier I would have found a way to do both. I do know that it would have been totally appropriate to put myself first today, but I don't do that -- the kids come first.
So I scoped out my meeting for tomorrow and I'll be going.
Not making an excuse, here. If I had known about the game earlier I would have found a way to do both. I do know that it would have been totally appropriate to put myself first today, but I don't do that -- the kids come first.
So I scoped out my meeting for tomorrow and I'll be going.
capra laeviculus
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: German Village, OH
Posts: 3,427
Hi AnotherPaul! I'm glad you are here now. It's amazing how fast one drink can pull us right back in, almost like we never left. I have done exactly what you described so many times. I start feeling better and then I start to think maybe it wasn't so bad and I can drink successfully.... and then I'm right back in the middle of it.
I don't think your sober time is lost as long as you learned something from it.
I hope you keep coming back here!
I don't think your sober time is lost as long as you learned something from it.
I hope you keep coming back here!
capra laeviculus
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: German Village, OH
Posts: 3,427
Well, it's been 48 hours since my last drink... Still slightly hung over but not nearly as bad. I ate today, drank another gallon of water, and maybe I'll even get some sleep tonight.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: California
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by Loki7
In an ideal world I would like to be able to drink moderately, and I want to believe that with hard work and awareness of my behaviors it doesn't become a routine or an issue.
Does anyone else have similar views, previous experience, or any advice on whether moderation can be achieved and or whether it can be maintained?
Does anyone else have similar views, previous experience, or any advice on whether moderation can be achieved and or whether it can be maintained?
So, I made a list. I made a list of everything that alcohol has done to me/is doing to me... It is really, really long. And when I think about drinking, I go back to that list. That and this site are the things that are getting me by for now, until I find a sponsor.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: California
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by NapsteR1
I've tried the moderation thing more times than I can count, the first attempt goes well as after some time off my tolerance is way down, I can feel myself getting off balance, call it a day at 2 or 3, wake up and feel fine and then wonder what all the fuss was about. Because the first attempt went so well I'll suggest sharing a bottle of wine the next night or so with Mrs N, then while I'm at the store buying "legitimately" I may as well grab some extra for myself as I don't want to risk drink driving if I want more later - actually while I'm thinking about it I'd best get enough to sort out tomorrow too. So bottle of wine, actually two and as I'm going to have to hide the stuff for tomorrow and extra for tonight it makes sense to get a litre bottle of vodka..
it's not always as condensed as that but once I've done that bottle the head fuzz and anxiety is back and I start retreating into my alco cave and filling up the entrance with empties, in a couple of weeks I'll be stopping off on the way home to pick up more and halfway round the supermarket I'll forget which town I'm in or what has to be done tomorrow, everything stops mattering except for getting the first pint of half and half mix down the tube to get that magic relaxation as the booze starts to hit - tomorrow isn't an issue anymore, today worked because I got drunk. The fact that my heart was in my mouth at the checkout because I actually had no idea whether there was any money left doesn't matter either. The fact that I have no gas left in the car for tomorrow's meeting doesn't matter either - nothing else does, I have enough to drink unconcious today, I've won.
so not going to be going there again - I've got a Sales Conference next week with a pre-booked hotel room, a free bar and 900 other sales people to get drunk with... now that will be a test!
it's not always as condensed as that but once I've done that bottle the head fuzz and anxiety is back and I start retreating into my alco cave and filling up the entrance with empties, in a couple of weeks I'll be stopping off on the way home to pick up more and halfway round the supermarket I'll forget which town I'm in or what has to be done tomorrow, everything stops mattering except for getting the first pint of half and half mix down the tube to get that magic relaxation as the booze starts to hit - tomorrow isn't an issue anymore, today worked because I got drunk. The fact that my heart was in my mouth at the checkout because I actually had no idea whether there was any money left doesn't matter either. The fact that I have no gas left in the car for tomorrow's meeting doesn't matter either - nothing else does, I have enough to drink unconcious today, I've won.
so not going to be going there again - I've got a Sales Conference next week with a pre-booked hotel room, a free bar and 900 other sales people to get drunk with... now that will be a test!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: California
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by Laura14
Day 5 here and all ok. Always is during the week though,Friday and Saturdays are not good ��
I know what you mean about the weekends. I am not looking forward to the weekend myself. But hang in there and stay strong.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: California
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by AnotherPaul
I missed out on the prime of my life and now I'm 37, and whether I have one day or ten thousand days left here, I'm not going to miss out on another one. I'm done.
All for the sake of drinking.
Glad to have you with us.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: California
Posts: 160
Alright, now that I have filled the entire page up with replies... :P
Today was day 6.
Been dealing with some trying times with my loved ones and learning to set boundaries for the sake of my sobriety. (Some of you may have read some of my other posts)
Recap: My husband (separated, but working on it) had decided it was okay for him to get drunk and take his anger out on me verbally over the phone, this after he just said he would be there to support me through this.
He called to "smooth things over" today, but was in no way sorry for his actions, and just ended up yelling at me more for suggesting he did something wrong. I had to request that we have some distance for a while. It saddens me to say so, but I think he is more of a risk to my sobriety than a support. I am so disappointed.
My brother (alcoholic) came back home after throwing a drunk fit when I asked him to be more considerate with his drinking behaviors. Has been acting all mopey and depressed and thinks I've forsaken him.
I'm struggling with a lot of feelings of feeling responsible and guilty.
These are the kinds of relationships I have cultivated living my life drinking/drunk all these years... I never knew I struggled with boundaries until it was pointed out to me recently here at SR. I would just drink so that things wouldn't annoy me as badly or sweep things under the rug and wash it away, and eventually I would forget about it. Either that or it would end up coming out in a drunken slur near the end of the night if I was having an angry drunk. Then when the hangover set in, people would just know to keep their distance. Terrible. I am really sad because I miss sitting outside and talking or joking with my brother and I don't know how to connect with him anymore.
Today was day 6.
Been dealing with some trying times with my loved ones and learning to set boundaries for the sake of my sobriety. (Some of you may have read some of my other posts)
Recap: My husband (separated, but working on it) had decided it was okay for him to get drunk and take his anger out on me verbally over the phone, this after he just said he would be there to support me through this.
He called to "smooth things over" today, but was in no way sorry for his actions, and just ended up yelling at me more for suggesting he did something wrong. I had to request that we have some distance for a while. It saddens me to say so, but I think he is more of a risk to my sobriety than a support. I am so disappointed.
My brother (alcoholic) came back home after throwing a drunk fit when I asked him to be more considerate with his drinking behaviors. Has been acting all mopey and depressed and thinks I've forsaken him.
I'm struggling with a lot of feelings of feeling responsible and guilty.
These are the kinds of relationships I have cultivated living my life drinking/drunk all these years... I never knew I struggled with boundaries until it was pointed out to me recently here at SR. I would just drink so that things wouldn't annoy me as badly or sweep things under the rug and wash it away, and eventually I would forget about it. Either that or it would end up coming out in a drunken slur near the end of the night if I was having an angry drunk. Then when the hangover set in, people would just know to keep their distance. Terrible. I am really sad because I miss sitting outside and talking or joking with my brother and I don't know how to connect with him anymore.
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