Class of June 2011 Part 8
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Toronto ON
Posts: 1,180
Consumption confessions.
I'm not really sure how much I would drink as I went to great ends to make it difficult to track. I would buy a large bottle - 1.75 liters of rye whiskey each week. I would likely buy a case - 24 beer each week as well. I'd add in a couple bottles of wine. Plus I might drink out at a bar one or more nights a week.
What's that? 40 ounces of rye, 24 bottles of beer, 12 glasses of wine, another 10 drinks out and about. Wow...more than I thought - 88 drinks - likely worst case, but still.
Can you believe that I've never done the math? Up until about 10 seconds ago I might have said that I drank 40 drinks a week and not 80 or more. Tricky AV - he wasn't just fooling my wife, he was fooling me too!
I'm not really sure how much I would drink as I went to great ends to make it difficult to track. I would buy a large bottle - 1.75 liters of rye whiskey each week. I would likely buy a case - 24 beer each week as well. I'd add in a couple bottles of wine. Plus I might drink out at a bar one or more nights a week.
What's that? 40 ounces of rye, 24 bottles of beer, 12 glasses of wine, another 10 drinks out and about. Wow...more than I thought - 88 drinks - likely worst case, but still.
Can you believe that I've never done the math? Up until about 10 seconds ago I might have said that I drank 40 drinks a week and not 80 or more. Tricky AV - he wasn't just fooling my wife, he was fooling me too!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 169
Thanks for the tip Lady! That is what I feel like I need.... some long slow going and deep stretches. Yoga would be perfect, I will look for her DVD 
Staying strong here so far, only an hour after work but DH took SD out to dinner, so now that I don't have to cook I an just keep myself busy.... away from the bottle of rum sitting downstairs. I just picked up a copy of Rational Recovery - that will keep me busy for awhile, and also Stepmonster (another issue I have and need to address: how to be a childless stepmother and still be happy!)
Thank you everyone for all of the support today, I was feeling really lost there for a moment.
As long as we make it through the next few hours, then the day will be gone, and that's really all that matters right now!
Staying strong here so far, only an hour after work but DH took SD out to dinner, so now that I don't have to cook I an just keep myself busy.... away from the bottle of rum sitting downstairs. I just picked up a copy of Rational Recovery - that will keep me busy for awhile, and also Stepmonster (another issue I have and need to address: how to be a childless stepmother and still be happy!)
Thank you everyone for all of the support today, I was feeling really lost there for a moment.
As long as we make it through the next few hours, then the day will be gone, and that's really all that matters right now!
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
Where have I been? I cannot keep up.
I am 100 days today on the SR world famous sober meter. I feel like I have been blessed. I am feeling so much better this last few days. Given what I have experienced so far I can tell that my mind and body are still adjusting. The main thing for me is the freedom from the torment of having alcohol in my life and dominating my thinking. I never knew just how much of my perceptions and emotional reactions were influenced by alcohol even when I was not drunk.
I know it's a few pages back Wiggle but I think the "thing" that clicks (then people find it easy) for me was "surrender" in the struggle and to actively embrace a future that is sober. I don't go to AA but I read the Big Book a few times and thought a lot about the 12 steps particularly the first three and step 11.
Have a good day everyone.
I am 100 days today on the SR world famous sober meter. I feel like I have been blessed. I am feeling so much better this last few days. Given what I have experienced so far I can tell that my mind and body are still adjusting. The main thing for me is the freedom from the torment of having alcohol in my life and dominating my thinking. I never knew just how much of my perceptions and emotional reactions were influenced by alcohol even when I was not drunk.
I know it's a few pages back Wiggle but I think the "thing" that clicks (then people find it easy) for me was "surrender" in the struggle and to actively embrace a future that is sober. I don't go to AA but I read the Big Book a few times and thought a lot about the 12 steps particularly the first three and step 11.
Have a good day everyone.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: near London, UK
Posts: 582
Good morning.
As Instant mentioned the "Big Book" I would like to reiterate that even if you are not an AA person it is an excellent piece of literature for anyone who wants to stop drinking. Its hard to believe it was written back in the 1930's - it has stood the test of time amazingly well. Im not going to harp on about AA, it is working for me this time around although it didnt when I first started going 4 years ago and a few more times since. There are other ways to recovery and I have dipped into most of them but for me, this time around, AA seems to be working.
The other book, which has been discussed in length before but I would like to mention again for Wiggle and Paddy especially is "under the influence". Despite my going along the AA path this time I do have a scientific mind and this book really helped me to accept my problem and as it explain the physiological aspects of alcoholism it really got it ingrained into my brain that there is simply no point in me ever drinking again as every cell in my body has changed and if I put alcohol back into the equation there is no doubt it is going to harm me and take me right back to where I was 11 and a bit weeks ago and the cravings would be back with me every day. I have very very low will power and to get those cravings back on a regular basis I dont know I would get back to where I am now.
So those two books helped me enourmously get to this stage. Another book that can be very helpful and is alot less "heavy" to read is "living sober" which is an AA book but its just full of tips and advice from how to get through a day, an hour, a minute when you are craving a drink to the more long term things you may come up against.
We have our fun in here and I dont want to bring anyone down but some of the stuff I have been reminded of just yesterday makes me remember it is a life and death situation we are dealing with here. If you are an alocholic, to drink is to die. Eventually it will kill you. I so wish I had realised about my illness when I was in my 20s. I definately knew there was something going on with me and the booze but I could not even contemplate living without it. Those of you in your 20s really do have my admiration for your foresight and I urge you to make the most of the lovely long years you probably have ahead of you.
As Instant mentioned the "Big Book" I would like to reiterate that even if you are not an AA person it is an excellent piece of literature for anyone who wants to stop drinking. Its hard to believe it was written back in the 1930's - it has stood the test of time amazingly well. Im not going to harp on about AA, it is working for me this time around although it didnt when I first started going 4 years ago and a few more times since. There are other ways to recovery and I have dipped into most of them but for me, this time around, AA seems to be working.
The other book, which has been discussed in length before but I would like to mention again for Wiggle and Paddy especially is "under the influence". Despite my going along the AA path this time I do have a scientific mind and this book really helped me to accept my problem and as it explain the physiological aspects of alcoholism it really got it ingrained into my brain that there is simply no point in me ever drinking again as every cell in my body has changed and if I put alcohol back into the equation there is no doubt it is going to harm me and take me right back to where I was 11 and a bit weeks ago and the cravings would be back with me every day. I have very very low will power and to get those cravings back on a regular basis I dont know I would get back to where I am now.
So those two books helped me enourmously get to this stage. Another book that can be very helpful and is alot less "heavy" to read is "living sober" which is an AA book but its just full of tips and advice from how to get through a day, an hour, a minute when you are craving a drink to the more long term things you may come up against.
We have our fun in here and I dont want to bring anyone down but some of the stuff I have been reminded of just yesterday makes me remember it is a life and death situation we are dealing with here. If you are an alocholic, to drink is to die. Eventually it will kill you. I so wish I had realised about my illness when I was in my 20s. I definately knew there was something going on with me and the booze but I could not even contemplate living without it. Those of you in your 20s really do have my admiration for your foresight and I urge you to make the most of the lovely long years you probably have ahead of you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Kent, UK
Posts: 351
Instant and Pupkinm it was lovely to read your posts first thing this morning and Instant, congratulations on your 100!
I am not sure what my day is. I will check the day I joined later and found out.
Well, what to say? I am sober!
Paddy, the AA sorted it for me - it was a coil! Many thanks though!
Brilliant stuff!
Chimp!
I am not sure what my day is. I will check the day I joined later and found out.
Well, what to say? I am sober!
Paddy, the AA sorted it for me - it was a coil! Many thanks though!
Brilliant stuff!
Chimp!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Kent, UK
Posts: 351
What more to say?
I am starting to fell cabin fever working from home and my gf being on holiday from school. I am getting what I need to get done but I really need to crack on with it!
Actions, actions, actions!!!
I am getting really frustrated with my gf, it is not her fault and it is coming across a bit sharp now and again, which is not like the normal me. However, I am worried about what she is thinking and what I am thinking. relationships aren't always easy are they? But that reminded me, a feww weeks back she just asked me to love her and I do and I will and i'll do my best for her.
I need to get out there. Working from home is great but when your actual paid work is outside in the middle of nowhere, you definitely miss it when you are not out there!
Chimp!
I am starting to fell cabin fever working from home and my gf being on holiday from school. I am getting what I need to get done but I really need to crack on with it!
Actions, actions, actions!!!
I am getting really frustrated with my gf, it is not her fault and it is coming across a bit sharp now and again, which is not like the normal me. However, I am worried about what she is thinking and what I am thinking. relationships aren't always easy are they? But that reminded me, a feww weeks back she just asked me to love her and I do and I will and i'll do my best for her.
I need to get out there. Working from home is great but when your actual paid work is outside in the middle of nowhere, you definitely miss it when you are not out there!
Chimp!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Kent, UK
Posts: 351
This is definitely a drinking day. In the past I would have began the morning working and ended up by 12 in the pub. What a town I come from, Canterbury, pubs everywhere. What heaven, sitting in a pub watching the world go by, seeing the tourists, listening to the chatter, surrounded by thousands of years of History. Pubs, conversations, tourists, students, locals, the cathedral, music, the restaurants, the hustle and bustle of the day. What a gorgeous, gorgeous city and what a place to drink! And on a day like this it would be magical. And now I am my own boss, I can do what I like. Oh, I would have loved it, to be free and to be drinking!
But of course I would not be free really would I and yep, alco-gollum is working his magic this morning and I apologise but please bare with me. Oh the freedom, the freedom to just leave the house and drink, what magic, what a life. What a life to have no ties and just be free, free of everyone, my own man, being me, being me and trusting and believing in me. Noone to feel resposible for, no one to tell me what I was doing was wrong (all my life I have had that). I absolutely crave freedom, crave it! To be free is my ultimate escape, my ultimare fantasy, my ultimate dream. To walk the world and owe nothing to anybody.
To just be me. To be free and to be carefree and to live my life naturally on my terms. Some call it dreaming, some call it an escape and is it wrong to crave that.
I am really struggling at home today. My gf and her little man have gone out! I am sat on here, whilst working. I just dont give a **** (four letters beginning with f)! Jesus, so much of my drinking was just to escape. To escape and pretend that I was free. I just want to grab my gf and (as above - sorry but I need that release). I need her and love her so much but the last few days I have just been sat here working whilst she has been chilling. It just doesn't seem wright. I am a man of action (that sounds so up myself) but I am. I need to be making things happen and, well, yes I am, I am preparing my exhibition for a three day festival this weekend and that will be action enough.
Paolo Coehlo in 'The Alchemist' says that just as we are about to achieve our dreams we mess up. Well I am not going to let that happen. This is the biggest weekend of my life coming up and I need to crack on with it and see the long-term and realise that this is setting me free, free to live the life I want!
I am that close to freedom but boy it is hard work and of course always will be!
Chimp!
But of course I would not be free really would I and yep, alco-gollum is working his magic this morning and I apologise but please bare with me. Oh the freedom, the freedom to just leave the house and drink, what magic, what a life. What a life to have no ties and just be free, free of everyone, my own man, being me, being me and trusting and believing in me. Noone to feel resposible for, no one to tell me what I was doing was wrong (all my life I have had that). I absolutely crave freedom, crave it! To be free is my ultimate escape, my ultimare fantasy, my ultimate dream. To walk the world and owe nothing to anybody.
To just be me. To be free and to be carefree and to live my life naturally on my terms. Some call it dreaming, some call it an escape and is it wrong to crave that.
I am really struggling at home today. My gf and her little man have gone out! I am sat on here, whilst working. I just dont give a **** (four letters beginning with f)! Jesus, so much of my drinking was just to escape. To escape and pretend that I was free. I just want to grab my gf and (as above - sorry but I need that release). I need her and love her so much but the last few days I have just been sat here working whilst she has been chilling. It just doesn't seem wright. I am a man of action (that sounds so up myself) but I am. I need to be making things happen and, well, yes I am, I am preparing my exhibition for a three day festival this weekend and that will be action enough.
Paolo Coehlo in 'The Alchemist' says that just as we are about to achieve our dreams we mess up. Well I am not going to let that happen. This is the biggest weekend of my life coming up and I need to crack on with it and see the long-term and realise that this is setting me free, free to live the life I want!
I am that close to freedom but boy it is hard work and of course always will be!
Chimp!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 426
Early Bird bratnik here -
Hubby woke me up this morning getting ready for his weekly morning commute (to the east coast).
Again, a ton of posts to keep up from last night! How was everyone's night?
Chimp - sounds like working at home is wearing on you. I can understand that- I'm not even WORKING - I am just at home all the time. I know that is partly my own fault but one can definitely go stir crazy after awhile. But just think of what you are preparing for - this exhibition is so big for you!! Perhaps the stress is getting to be a lot to handle. Take a step back from it all, look at everything you are doing, your hard work, your dedication, and be F'ing PROUD of yourself!
Look at how far you have come with your work. I think I hear emotional and mental fatigue with you - which shows how much of your mind and soul you have been putting into this preparation. Your will may feel weak. But please, don't drink now. Not after how far you have come. And for what is upcoming as well. The way you described the drink, the pubs, the conversation, the ROMANCE, and the escape sounds grand and lovely but it ain't that romantic!!! It's the dreamer in you coming out creating that romantic scanario (and it was quite beautiful reading the description!!!) It's alcohol. That's it. IT's an escape, but not a romantic and pretty one. THe pubs smell, the conversation gets annoying as each pint empties, etc etc.
Can you get out for some tea at a cafe for the same experience? The weather, the tourists and conversation, the escape for an hour or two?? Just to get out of the house, clear your head, shut off your mind for a moment? Maybe read the paper or a book, and watch the world go buy for a bit? Maybe that would take away some of this building pressure and tension.
We're all proud of you and pulling for you Chimp!!!!
-your friend Anna
Hubby woke me up this morning getting ready for his weekly morning commute (to the east coast).
Again, a ton of posts to keep up from last night! How was everyone's night?
Chimp - sounds like working at home is wearing on you. I can understand that- I'm not even WORKING - I am just at home all the time. I know that is partly my own fault but one can definitely go stir crazy after awhile. But just think of what you are preparing for - this exhibition is so big for you!! Perhaps the stress is getting to be a lot to handle. Take a step back from it all, look at everything you are doing, your hard work, your dedication, and be F'ing PROUD of yourself!
Look at how far you have come with your work. I think I hear emotional and mental fatigue with you - which shows how much of your mind and soul you have been putting into this preparation. Your will may feel weak. But please, don't drink now. Not after how far you have come. And for what is upcoming as well. The way you described the drink, the pubs, the conversation, the ROMANCE, and the escape sounds grand and lovely but it ain't that romantic!!! It's the dreamer in you coming out creating that romantic scanario (and it was quite beautiful reading the description!!!) It's alcohol. That's it. IT's an escape, but not a romantic and pretty one. THe pubs smell, the conversation gets annoying as each pint empties, etc etc.
Can you get out for some tea at a cafe for the same experience? The weather, the tourists and conversation, the escape for an hour or two?? Just to get out of the house, clear your head, shut off your mind for a moment? Maybe read the paper or a book, and watch the world go buy for a bit? Maybe that would take away some of this building pressure and tension.
We're all proud of you and pulling for you Chimp!!!!
-your friend Anna
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
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I've worked from home for many years now in a variety of jobs - I used to drink all day - now I don't find I ever think of drinking now...so stick with it Chimp, it gets better.
Bratnik definitely has the right idea - when you feel a bit doolally, take a break, even if it's just a walk...go out somewhere, buy something yummy like a custard slice or whatever LOL
D
Bratnik definitely has the right idea - when you feel a bit doolally, take a break, even if it's just a walk...go out somewhere, buy something yummy like a custard slice or whatever LOL
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Toronto ON
Posts: 1,180
Played that big squash match I was telling you guys about last night after work. I beat the guy 3 to 1 -- 19 year old whipper snapper that he was. I move up to the elite division for the next league. That will be very good for my game and my focus.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 1,551
morning.
why is he trying to get me to say I love you? I refuse and he says "well fine then I'm going to start dating again." frankly I dont care if he starts dating again, He dated while we were together, why should it matter to me if he dates while we are appart? gah. Is he just trying to control me?
Sorry I only post so much about him because he is a huge trigger for me to just drink. I hate that I can't just run away. I want to get away. I need to get away.
why is he trying to get me to say I love you? I refuse and he says "well fine then I'm going to start dating again." frankly I dont care if he starts dating again, He dated while we were together, why should it matter to me if he dates while we are appart? gah. Is he just trying to control me?
Sorry I only post so much about him because he is a huge trigger for me to just drink. I hate that I can't just run away. I want to get away. I need to get away.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 426
Congrats, TP!!! You are killin it!
Blackbird - man, what a mess. It sounds to me like he wants to hear those empty words to make himself feel better for all of his wrongs. But the fact that coupled with that is a threat if you DON'T say it he will flaunt his infedility is just so so so very controlling and wrong. I'm sorry, but what an awful thing to do. Does he just know that you won't leave, so he has carte blanche to be a mean and controlling man to you? How we can help build you up to tell him he is being a weak person with the threats, the demands, and the controlling actions? And that he sucks? And he's acting like a child, not a man?
UGH. I'm sorry if I'm ranting. Controlling men (or people, I just happen to have only experienced men) TICK ME OFF. And even though this is a trigger to make you want to drink, don't let HIM be the one to make you do something bad to yourself. He does plenty bad in his own actions and is SO NOT WORTH your wellbeing!!
We care about you and want you to be safe, and healthy. This has to stop, I just wish I had answers as to how.
Blackbird - man, what a mess. It sounds to me like he wants to hear those empty words to make himself feel better for all of his wrongs. But the fact that coupled with that is a threat if you DON'T say it he will flaunt his infedility is just so so so very controlling and wrong. I'm sorry, but what an awful thing to do. Does he just know that you won't leave, so he has carte blanche to be a mean and controlling man to you? How we can help build you up to tell him he is being a weak person with the threats, the demands, and the controlling actions? And that he sucks? And he's acting like a child, not a man?
UGH. I'm sorry if I'm ranting. Controlling men (or people, I just happen to have only experienced men) TICK ME OFF. And even though this is a trigger to make you want to drink, don't let HIM be the one to make you do something bad to yourself. He does plenty bad in his own actions and is SO NOT WORTH your wellbeing!!
We care about you and want you to be safe, and healthy. This has to stop, I just wish I had answers as to how.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: essex
Posts: 451
Originally Posted by Chimp 
Thanks Bratnik, it really is that simple. I just need to get out, close my mind and relax and take a breath.
Chimp!
Chimp!
Just logged in at work, hang in there bud you can do this
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 1,551
Brat-
Thanks. sometimes it just takes someone else to say it for it to become real. I know that he is controlling. I know that I have been a doormat. I have overlooked his infidelity in the past so perhaps he thinks that I will do it again. It will be easier after today. Its my last day of being an inhome childcare provider. I wont have to be here when he gets home. I wont have to come into this house ever again, I wanted this house so bad and now I can't stand it!
Funny how I'm so afraid to hurt his feelings when he has no regard for mine.
I just need to wear my ovaries on the outside and tell him to stop. I don't love you B. You have caused more harm than good.
I wont drink today.
Thanks. sometimes it just takes someone else to say it for it to become real. I know that he is controlling. I know that I have been a doormat. I have overlooked his infidelity in the past so perhaps he thinks that I will do it again. It will be easier after today. Its my last day of being an inhome childcare provider. I wont have to be here when he gets home. I wont have to come into this house ever again, I wanted this house so bad and now I can't stand it!
Funny how I'm so afraid to hurt his feelings when he has no regard for mine.
I just need to wear my ovaries on the outside and tell him to stop. I don't love you B. You have caused more harm than good.
I wont drink today.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 169
Yay! A sober morning is ammmmazing!
Chimp! That "freedom" you speak of.... seems more like a prison! What a whirlwind of emotions we go though.... wanting that "free" life to do as you please. But to me, a free life to do as you please would have to be a sober one. One cannot be free while intoxicated (in my opinion). FRESH AIR. Get yourself some! Whenever I get cranky from being cooped up in my house working (I work from home at night), along with husband troubles, teenage stepdaughter troubles, and all the responsibilities of keeping a home ---- getting outside and breathing that air does wonders for me. I have a chair that I sit in. I can go out there and just look at the sky, or I will usually read. I am really in no place to give advice right now, especially since a lot of my outdoor relaxing was WITH a drink, but in my attempt to stay sober, I still use that same method to relax and find it even more beneficial. Sometimes you just have to let your mind clear just a few minutes should do the trick, any longer and you won't want to go back in! Ha!
Instant - fabulous work on 100! What an accomplishment, can't wait until I am there
Pumpkin - thank you for reminding me, the "under the influence" book I almost forgot about! And I agree, getting sober in my 20's is going to benefit the rest of my life in so many ways. I am so glad to be working on this now.... very thankful I "woke up".
TP - great job beating that "whipper snapper" !
BlackBird - no need to apologize, you need to get that out. It is probably best to talk through these things. And what an a$$ (sorry) but saying he is going to start dating after everything he has already done... what is he trying to prove? Or make a point of? Glad you are not giving in (to him or the drink).
Well, got to get to work. I will be around though.
Chimp! That "freedom" you speak of.... seems more like a prison! What a whirlwind of emotions we go though.... wanting that "free" life to do as you please. But to me, a free life to do as you please would have to be a sober one. One cannot be free while intoxicated (in my opinion). FRESH AIR. Get yourself some! Whenever I get cranky from being cooped up in my house working (I work from home at night), along with husband troubles, teenage stepdaughter troubles, and all the responsibilities of keeping a home ---- getting outside and breathing that air does wonders for me. I have a chair that I sit in. I can go out there and just look at the sky, or I will usually read. I am really in no place to give advice right now, especially since a lot of my outdoor relaxing was WITH a drink, but in my attempt to stay sober, I still use that same method to relax and find it even more beneficial. Sometimes you just have to let your mind clear
just a few minutes should do the trick, any longer and you won't want to go back in! Ha!Instant - fabulous work on 100! What an accomplishment, can't wait until I am there
Pumpkin - thank you for reminding me, the "under the influence" book I almost forgot about! And I agree, getting sober in my 20's is going to benefit the rest of my life in so many ways. I am so glad to be working on this now.... very thankful I "woke up".
TP - great job beating that "whipper snapper" !
BlackBird - no need to apologize, you need to get that out. It is probably best to talk through these things. And what an a$$ (sorry) but saying he is going to start dating after everything he has already done... what is he trying to prove? Or make a point of? Glad you are not giving in (to him or the drink).
Well, got to get to work. I will be around though.
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