Codependency and Beyond Part 20
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Codependency and Beyond Part 20
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WOW, aren't WE moving right along!!
(((Chino))) - I know you've mentioned your addicted personality, several times, but I didn't realize the extent of it, so am really glad you shared. Will read your blog, shortly. Loved the reading, btw.
I NEED to be asleep, and have a feeling I won't make it to church, as I'd have very little sleep, but will try.
Tonight work was okay, had another good person to work for, but C, the mgr who used to give me such a hard time when I was on nights and had no clue what I was doing, is back to her snappy, smart-a** comments. Have to learn to let that go, but for tonight, I'd have rather had my teen removed again that listen to her all night.
I actually ate some grilled chicken AND a steak (cut in little bitty pieces), so am definitely making progress. Still not much a/c at work, but a little. M did get a nice fan for the people that fix the food.
Going to check a few more threads, then get some sleep.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
(((Chino))) - I know you've mentioned your addicted personality, several times, but I didn't realize the extent of it, so am really glad you shared. Will read your blog, shortly. Loved the reading, btw.
I NEED to be asleep, and have a feeling I won't make it to church, as I'd have very little sleep, but will try.
Tonight work was okay, had another good person to work for, but C, the mgr who used to give me such a hard time when I was on nights and had no clue what I was doing, is back to her snappy, smart-a** comments. Have to learn to let that go, but for tonight, I'd have rather had my teen removed again that listen to her all night.
I actually ate some grilled chicken AND a steak (cut in little bitty pieces), so am definitely making progress. Still not much a/c at work, but a little. M did get a nice fan for the people that fix the food.
Going to check a few more threads, then get some sleep.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Amy, I took a hard look at the differences between dependence, abuse, and addiction. We're all aware of the extreme side of drug and alcohol addiction. Addiction, in all it's shapes and forms, has a biological and psychological basis, and will cause a person to neglect other areas of their lives. That would be me in a nutshell 
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Well the idea to read codependent no more a second time has been in my mind alot lately. Good grief. When i begun reading it i was about 2 months sober from the evil booze and when i finished i was just under six months.
They were a pretty eventful 3/4 months wherein i also read two other two recovery books cover to cover [one on ACOA and one of family stuff] most of another recovery book on addiction, attended some face to face aa sessions.....and well you get the idea.
More importantly i had been aware that i had 'abandoned' some of the teaching [identifying wants and needs etc] probably due to self neglect and self doubt [things are still going wrong so even though things are improving all these small and medium and huge size problems must all be my fault right came the thoughts] so i knew logically [i do have a logic brain hehe well done you kevy] that a re-read would do me good.
Well last night i got some more what a old NLP [neuro linguistic programming] coach would describe as 'leverage'. Essentially i was getting bogged down and annoyed so that got me over my reluctance to re-read co-dependent no more again.
Ill get to the point now and that is simply this, a single line from co-dependent no more in the chapter 'dont be blown about by every wind', that i have found particually profound and helpful this morning in sunny uk:
"If people dont want to be with us or act healthy, its not a reflection of OUR self worth. It reflects THEIR present circumstances"
Thats my though for the day.
It makes complete sense. Amazing what you can miss. That single drop of guidance that i mustn't have been taught thusfar or forgotten or whatever has helped me raise myself out of a gloom i had been in this morning and feel like im growing
Horay for self help books. Horay for melody beattie and horay for you too!!! :P
Have a nice day
kevin
They were a pretty eventful 3/4 months wherein i also read two other two recovery books cover to cover [one on ACOA and one of family stuff] most of another recovery book on addiction, attended some face to face aa sessions.....and well you get the idea.
More importantly i had been aware that i had 'abandoned' some of the teaching [identifying wants and needs etc] probably due to self neglect and self doubt [things are still going wrong so even though things are improving all these small and medium and huge size problems must all be my fault right came the thoughts] so i knew logically [i do have a logic brain hehe well done you kevy] that a re-read would do me good.
Well last night i got some more what a old NLP [neuro linguistic programming] coach would describe as 'leverage'. Essentially i was getting bogged down and annoyed so that got me over my reluctance to re-read co-dependent no more again.
Ill get to the point now and that is simply this, a single line from co-dependent no more in the chapter 'dont be blown about by every wind', that i have found particually profound and helpful this morning in sunny uk:
"If people dont want to be with us or act healthy, its not a reflection of OUR self worth. It reflects THEIR present circumstances"
Thats my though for the day.
It makes complete sense. Amazing what you can miss. That single drop of guidance that i mustn't have been taught thusfar or forgotten or whatever has helped me raise myself out of a gloom i had been in this morning and feel like im growing
Horay for self help books. Horay for melody beattie and horay for you too!!! :P
Have a nice day
kevin
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Another boundary set. friend of neighbours has taken on knocking on my door so that i will let him into the shared hall next door [g-d knows why] and he can get into his friend my neighbours house.
I did it for him today but i told him this will be the last time and i mean to stick to it.
I did it for him today but i told him this will be the last time and i mean to stick to it.
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Still a tightrope with the neighbours :/ G-d you do move mysteriously :>
Took myself for a second walk today to find myself and discovered that i was angry that i got awoken at 5am. When i came back home one of the neighbours asked how i was. I explained that i was fine but for being awoken at 5am by shouting.
It wasn't a party or loud music just some shouting between the two of them so i hadn't bothered to knock. It did wake me up however and that in addition to some screaming at 11pm over a boxing fight [which i considered tolerable but for the fact i got to hear them quarrel over whether it was(acceptable or not) one neighbour telling the other to be quiet and the other saying no etc etc, could have done without hearing THAT] . There wasn't a confrontation about the 5am noise although there was no apology either and i had an opportunity to explain that it woke me up so best foot forward. totally feel like im jumping through hoops here but trusting my hp and the fact that i am more than how i relate to next door. plus i keep on maturing emotionally and psychologically.
Took myself for a second walk today to find myself and discovered that i was angry that i got awoken at 5am. When i came back home one of the neighbours asked how i was. I explained that i was fine but for being awoken at 5am by shouting.
It wasn't a party or loud music just some shouting between the two of them so i hadn't bothered to knock. It did wake me up however and that in addition to some screaming at 11pm over a boxing fight [which i considered tolerable but for the fact i got to hear them quarrel over whether it was(acceptable or not) one neighbour telling the other to be quiet and the other saying no etc etc, could have done without hearing THAT] . There wasn't a confrontation about the 5am noise although there was no apology either and i had an opportunity to explain that it woke me up so best foot forward. totally feel like im jumping through hoops here but trusting my hp and the fact that i am more than how i relate to next door. plus i keep on maturing emotionally and psychologically.
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Okay, so it should have said "I'd rather have my TEETH removed again", not teen, but that's what being sleep does to you.
(((Chino))) - I read your blog...good stuff. My mom always told me I had an addictive personality, partially based on the fact that she said my g'pa was an alcoholic. With talking to aunt Phyllis, he was NOT, my g'ma thought one drink made you an alcoholic and drilled that into the younger kids (mom and uncle Joe - there's about 13 years difference with aunt Phyllis). Then again, one of my cousins said his dad (closer in age to aunt Phyllis) said g'pa DID have an issue with drinking for a while, but then quit.
Whatever, I didn't listen to mom. I've said for years, I'm a "person of excess". Whatever I do, I do too much...smoke, eat, drink, crack, opiates, love, hurt, whatever. Trying to find a balance is the hard part.
(((Kevin))) - sorry you're still having problems with the neighbors, but sounds like you are making progress. I don't know, but whenever I lived in apartments, there were those who made a lot of noise, but I just figured it came with sharing a wall, on either side, with someone. I didn't have the bullies, though.
I actually ate STEAK and what Elvis didn't eat of my grilled chicken patty last night!! At first, I was scared to even attempt the steak, but it IS my favorite food, and I just cut it in little pieces and OMG, it was so good.
I didn't make it to church..sigh. Just too tired, and it looks like I'll be working 6 days a week for the next month, so have to get rest when I can.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
(((Chino))) - I read your blog...good stuff. My mom always told me I had an addictive personality, partially based on the fact that she said my g'pa was an alcoholic. With talking to aunt Phyllis, he was NOT, my g'ma thought one drink made you an alcoholic and drilled that into the younger kids (mom and uncle Joe - there's about 13 years difference with aunt Phyllis). Then again, one of my cousins said his dad (closer in age to aunt Phyllis) said g'pa DID have an issue with drinking for a while, but then quit.
Whatever, I didn't listen to mom. I've said for years, I'm a "person of excess". Whatever I do, I do too much...smoke, eat, drink, crack, opiates, love, hurt, whatever. Trying to find a balance is the hard part.
(((Kevin))) - sorry you're still having problems with the neighbors, but sounds like you are making progress. I don't know, but whenever I lived in apartments, there were those who made a lot of noise, but I just figured it came with sharing a wall, on either side, with someone. I didn't have the bullies, though.
I actually ate STEAK and what Elvis didn't eat of my grilled chicken patty last night!! At first, I was scared to even attempt the steak, but it IS my favorite food, and I just cut it in little pieces and OMG, it was so good.
I didn't make it to church..sigh. Just too tired, and it looks like I'll be working 6 days a week for the next month, so have to get rest when I can.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
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I am hurt and confused right now. The guy I am dating is very recently out of a long term relationship. He is dealing with the mess left behind after separation. So he says at breakfast, "I have to pay attention right now, I dont want to go through this again, I dont think I have another break up in me." When he catches the look on my face, he says just like I know I have another drunk in me,but I dont know if I have another recovery"
The comment made me feel sick. He saw I was hurt, and got defensive, said he was talking about her not me. When that didnt make me feel better, he said "Expectations will kill this relationship"
uhg.
what step am I on?
I want tospeak my truth, but I dont even know what it is
The comment made me feel sick. He saw I was hurt, and got defensive, said he was talking about her not me. When that didnt make me feel better, he said "Expectations will kill this relationship"
uhg.
what step am I on?
I want tospeak my truth, but I dont even know what it is
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Sorry for what you had happen Lisa and thanks for your help Amy
I just played a METAL record. I think [due to being acoa] i tend to repress anger. Also you would do when you cant express it for fear of getting bottled too i guess. So im having to remind myself that anger has to be managed [once i had realised what was going on wasnt my to blame business]
Fortunately i re-purchased a old metal cd a while back that i used to like and played it just now. It helped with the anger. Signs of hope there
I dont have experience in romance lisa so hard to say much other than im sorry for what happened if it was a bad thing [as you see it now]
kevin
I just played a METAL record. I think [due to being acoa] i tend to repress anger. Also you would do when you cant express it for fear of getting bottled too i guess. So im having to remind myself that anger has to be managed [once i had realised what was going on wasnt my to blame business]
Fortunately i re-purchased a old metal cd a while back that i used to like and played it just now. It helped with the anger. Signs of hope there
I dont have experience in romance lisa so hard to say much other than im sorry for what happened if it was a bad thing [as you see it now]
kevin
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Amy, so glad you got to eat steak... woohoo! I imagine that first bite felt a bit like heaven
Yep, excess is a perfect way to describe me. My husband surprised me when he said he's an addict too. I guess he's been learning and paying attention more than I thought. It was just so matter of fact to us and daughter too, when I told her. She said she wondered when I'd figure it out. She, son and husband have watched me all these years dive into things, and not surface until the water was drained from the pool. Husband would take up the slack when I was lost in whatever, and I've always done the same for him, too.
It's so ironic that I realized this about myself, by immersing myself in learning about daughter's addiction. Learning is another thing I do to excess. It provides me immense pleasure and, according to science, it fires up a part of my brain the same way a drug does for drug addicts. The differences are huge after that, though, in the damage to the other parts of the brain and the consequences.
I feel no stigma from my revelation because I learned to remove the stigma of the disease itself. I had already been making amends because of working recovery from the other side, and have worked really hard at changing my behaviors (obsessions and compulsions). Once again, I learned something backwards, by having all the answers first! So typical of me.
Last night we were at our partners for their annual 4th party. I noticed how all the usual binge drinkers were pacing themselves or not drinking at all. And every single one of them asked if daughter was coming this time. They've asked before why she no longer joins in and they all know about her addiction. I've always answered truthfully that she can't be around partying. Next thing you know, a discussion broke out about nicotine addiction, how many have struggled or conquered it. One old friend who used to smoke said she replaced her addiction with running. She flat out said she's still an addict and so are all her family members. I bust out laughing and said me too! Her son said he knows he has a gambling addiction, and was glad online gambling was shut down in our state. The atmosphere was almost surreal with all the awareness, it was as stunning and beautiful as the fireworks
Yep, excess is a perfect way to describe me. My husband surprised me when he said he's an addict too. I guess he's been learning and paying attention more than I thought. It was just so matter of fact to us and daughter too, when I told her. She said she wondered when I'd figure it out. She, son and husband have watched me all these years dive into things, and not surface until the water was drained from the pool. Husband would take up the slack when I was lost in whatever, and I've always done the same for him, too.
It's so ironic that I realized this about myself, by immersing myself in learning about daughter's addiction. Learning is another thing I do to excess. It provides me immense pleasure and, according to science, it fires up a part of my brain the same way a drug does for drug addicts. The differences are huge after that, though, in the damage to the other parts of the brain and the consequences.
I feel no stigma from my revelation because I learned to remove the stigma of the disease itself. I had already been making amends because of working recovery from the other side, and have worked really hard at changing my behaviors (obsessions and compulsions). Once again, I learned something backwards, by having all the answers first! So typical of me.
Last night we were at our partners for their annual 4th party. I noticed how all the usual binge drinkers were pacing themselves or not drinking at all. And every single one of them asked if daughter was coming this time. They've asked before why she no longer joins in and they all know about her addiction. I've always answered truthfully that she can't be around partying. Next thing you know, a discussion broke out about nicotine addiction, how many have struggled or conquered it. One old friend who used to smoke said she replaced her addiction with running. She flat out said she's still an addict and so are all her family members. I bust out laughing and said me too! Her son said he knows he has a gambling addiction, and was glad online gambling was shut down in our state. The atmosphere was almost surreal with all the awareness, it was as stunning and beautiful as the fireworks
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(((Lisa))) - sorry about what's going on, especially (at least for me), not really knowing what's going through his head.
(((Chino))) - good description of my life, too. Might explain why I THRIVE on learning stuff. At least that addiction is a good one, right? I'll keep it, along with my SR addiction
BIG hugs and prayers,
Amy
(((Chino))) - good description of my life, too. Might explain why I THRIVE on learning stuff. At least that addiction is a good one, right? I'll keep it, along with my SR addiction
BIG hugs and prayers,
Amy
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I think i did a "codie slip" and choked on my feelings when my neighbour asked me how i was. i aught to have told her that i feel it was out of order and i felt annoyed with them.
now i have nothing left but brewing resentments. will this madness never end.
i have one of my inside doors shut now so as i cant hear my neighbours talking in the yard. they have taken to sitting right outside my back door despite me having explained how easily noise carries into my house when people sit outside my wall. why are they sat there? no idea g-d what do you have planned[again] for me?
so im sat in a single room of my house how ridiculous. im a bit paranoid also which isnt there fault [aside from the threats and intimidation of course!!!grrrr]
some life. sorry to be a whinge hope your all doing ok. chino i will read your post in a moment but im feelign cranky/crazy
now i have nothing left but brewing resentments. will this madness never end.
i have one of my inside doors shut now so as i cant hear my neighbours talking in the yard. they have taken to sitting right outside my back door despite me having explained how easily noise carries into my house when people sit outside my wall. why are they sat there? no idea g-d what do you have planned[again] for me?
so im sat in a single room of my house how ridiculous. im a bit paranoid also which isnt there fault [aside from the threats and intimidation of course!!!grrrr]
some life. sorry to be a whinge hope your all doing ok. chino i will read your post in a moment but im feelign cranky/crazy
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
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oh, I am sure it is a rebound, but he isnt living in the past, the break up is kind of right now. Heres the thing, I didnt post about it as it was unfolding, I have turned a few people on to this site and I never know who is reading, but here it is:
JB was my sponsor. I remember thinking way back when he said he would be my sponsor that it was a good thing he was married, because he is a good looking man but I dont go for married guys. He also has integrity and never was chasing women while with his wife.
Anyway, over the past year I have gotten to know his wife. I found it pretty odd neither of them liked each other. They both admit now the marriage was over long before, they just hadnt buried it.
I still never thought of him in a romantic way, because he still lived with her.
In the time we have been hanging out, we became really good friends.
Anyway, they declared it over and done, and things changed between he and I right away.
I knew the risks. Every time you love you risk.
In a perfect world he would have lots of single time before finding a new relationship, time to heal and process. I dont want to wait.
Anyway, so there it all is. For today: We get along really well, the sex has only added to our friendship. He is fiercely independent and still dealing with the break up. He works a good program and is a deeply spiritual man. Not all of my friends know, because she only moved out recently and he was my sponsor until things changed. . .
I processed the comment, I took it as if he was thinking down the line for when he met someone. In my mind, there is a part of him that does not acknowledge that we are in a committed relationship because it sounds foolish to him to jump from one to the next. I have fear in this area.
he is a wonderful man, but the timing isnt great and if he isnt ready, so be it. I love what we have right now and wont regret it
.
JB was my sponsor. I remember thinking way back when he said he would be my sponsor that it was a good thing he was married, because he is a good looking man but I dont go for married guys. He also has integrity and never was chasing women while with his wife.
Anyway, over the past year I have gotten to know his wife. I found it pretty odd neither of them liked each other. They both admit now the marriage was over long before, they just hadnt buried it.
I still never thought of him in a romantic way, because he still lived with her.
In the time we have been hanging out, we became really good friends.
Anyway, they declared it over and done, and things changed between he and I right away.
I knew the risks. Every time you love you risk.
In a perfect world he would have lots of single time before finding a new relationship, time to heal and process. I dont want to wait.
Anyway, so there it all is. For today: We get along really well, the sex has only added to our friendship. He is fiercely independent and still dealing with the break up. He works a good program and is a deeply spiritual man. Not all of my friends know, because she only moved out recently and he was my sponsor until things changed. . .
I processed the comment, I took it as if he was thinking down the line for when he met someone. In my mind, there is a part of him that does not acknowledge that we are in a committed relationship because it sounds foolish to him to jump from one to the next. I have fear in this area.
he is a wonderful man, but the timing isnt great and if he isnt ready, so be it. I love what we have right now and wont regret it
.
mergirl
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Thanks Anna, I am ok. When we are together, mostly we are together. But sometimes, he is ending a relationship, and I am starting one. On those occasions there is some confusion I reckon.
"The baby" text me today that she will be a terrible mother freaking out, but she is better now
"The baby" text me today that she will be a terrible mother freaking out, but she is better now
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How is your head now lisa regarding your relationship? Amy gooly you do well to work. Its more than i do but one day at a time.
Chino i read that banannas are good for serotonin. I also like learning. Would enjoy reading many scientific things if you feel to post.
Yesterday i told how i detached and sat in a field. While sat there i decided to do a quick runthrough of all the characters i used to work with who i may meet, decide how my thinking/feeling is about them so as i may decide if i want to deal with them or not. I refuse to be ashamed forever over a job that just didnt happen out at that time.
Im talking here about my assistant bar steward job primarally but also my other barman job. So thats it im taking the walls down. Im going to feel free to be me and if i feel a wish want or urge to be sociable with someone i used to know from either job i will. After all i DID like some bits of some of the people i saw so it seems odd behaviour to 'blank' all the people i used to serve booze to because of the job. they [meaning the punters] although drinkers were mostly not to blame for how the job ended.
Went to AA face to face today too. It went better than the last two times. Turns out the lady that had [in my mind atleast] dragged me around last time against my wish and senses is someone that makes the tea i think. Anyhow i apologised to her for being a little strange last time [which i was]
I also explained to some people there that i used to have little or no boundaries
I even did a mini sharette. Just said im kev and im glad to be here where you all accept me with open arms for being the person who i am
MrsPink i think your doing very well and Anna you continue to give me encouragement as does Amy Chino and you all
Chino i read that banannas are good for serotonin. I also like learning. Would enjoy reading many scientific things if you feel to post.
Yesterday i told how i detached and sat in a field. While sat there i decided to do a quick runthrough of all the characters i used to work with who i may meet, decide how my thinking/feeling is about them so as i may decide if i want to deal with them or not. I refuse to be ashamed forever over a job that just didnt happen out at that time.
Im talking here about my assistant bar steward job primarally but also my other barman job. So thats it im taking the walls down. Im going to feel free to be me and if i feel a wish want or urge to be sociable with someone i used to know from either job i will. After all i DID like some bits of some of the people i saw so it seems odd behaviour to 'blank' all the people i used to serve booze to because of the job. they [meaning the punters] although drinkers were mostly not to blame for how the job ended.
Went to AA face to face today too. It went better than the last two times. Turns out the lady that had [in my mind atleast] dragged me around last time against my wish and senses is someone that makes the tea i think. Anyhow i apologised to her for being a little strange last time [which i was]
I also explained to some people there that i used to have little or no boundaries
I even did a mini sharette. Just said im kev and im glad to be here where you all accept me with open arms for being the person who i am
MrsPink i think your doing very well and Anna you continue to give me encouragement as does Amy Chino and you all
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