This is definitely a drinking day. In the past I would have began the morning working and ended up by 12 in the pub. What a town I come from, Canterbury, pubs everywhere. What heaven, sitting in a pub watching the world go by, seeing the tourists, listening to the chatter, surrounded by thousands of years of History. Pubs, conversations, tourists, students, locals, the cathedral, music, the restaurants, the hustle and bustle of the day. What a gorgeous, gorgeous city and what a place to drink! And on a day like this it would be magical. And now I am my own boss, I can do what I like. Oh, I would have loved it, to be free and to be drinking!
But of course I would not be free really would I and yep, alco-gollum is working his magic this morning and I apologise but please bare with me. Oh the freedom, the freedom to just leave the house and drink, what magic, what a life. What a life to have no ties and just be free, free of everyone, my own man, being me, being me and trusting and believing in me. Noone to feel resposible for, no one to tell me what I was doing was wrong (all my life I have had that). I absolutely crave freedom, crave it! To be free is my ultimate escape, my ultimare fantasy, my ultimate dream. To walk the world and owe nothing to anybody.
To just be me. To be free and to be carefree and to live my life naturally on my terms. Some call it dreaming, some call it an escape and is it wrong to crave that.
I am really struggling at home today. My gf and her little man have gone out! I am sat on here, whilst working. I just dont give a **** (four letters beginning with f)! Jesus, so much of my drinking was just to escape. To escape and pretend that I was free. I just want to grab my gf and (as above - sorry but I need that release). I need her and love her so much but the last few days I have just been sat here working whilst she has been chilling. It just doesn't seem wright. I am a man of action (that sounds so up myself) but I am. I need to be making things happen and, well, yes I am, I am preparing my exhibition for a three day festival this weekend and that will be action enough.
Paolo Coehlo in 'The Alchemist' says that just as we are about to achieve our dreams we mess up. Well I am not going to let that happen. This is the biggest weekend of my life coming up and I need to crack on with it and see the long-term and realise that this is setting me free, free to live the life I want!
I am that close to freedom but boy it is hard work and of course always will be!
Chimp!