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Loved Ones in Prison

Old 03-24-2007, 02:38 PM
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Babs, Have fun seeing the whales! Thats awesome you get to do something just for you!

Dakota, I've enjoyed being lazy this week. Planted some flowers in the yard today. I always get a good feeling of accomplishment when I work in the yard and can see the results!

Update on AH... well the calm and peace finally broke a bit last night when AH
called. I haven't wrote him in a few weeks and his nerves are now shot over it. (his words) I talk to him once a week and visit once a month. I don't always "feel" like sittin down and writing a letter. Working full-time, playing both mommy/daddy, going to my sons baseball games several times a week, and all the other running the girls here/there, he thinks I should have 5 minutes to spare to write a letter a couple times a week. He was actually crying about it. I guess in my detachment, I feel cold hearted that I don't care. I don't have any compassion for him right now. Although, I'm doing ok alone, while he's away in prison, I'm tired alot. It just seems its all about him, and how everybody in his area that has done worse things than him, gets lots of mail every week, and he doesnt get any. Everybody says something to him about not getting mail, etc. etc. etc. Just venting .... any feedback welcome ... as I feel a little stuck, maybe.
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Old 03-24-2007, 03:10 PM
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ray, my rah spent 2yrs in prison and tried to make me feel guilty for not writing or sending money and i was like you, i was too busy and kind of angry that he went to prison at first, then soon, i learned to like being alone and it didn't bother me for him to be there.

i understand how you feel, when it was time for him to get out, it caught me by surprize and i was not ready for that to happen, i actually argued with the receptionist at the parole board about not letting him out a month too early.

he would call talking about how bad things were there and i had to just tell him that i thought that thats what jail was suppose to be like, thats why i do my best to stay out of there. its his fault that he is in jail, not yours. in my opinion. do what you feel comfortable with doing, he's in jail, its suppose to be like a punishment. maybe he'll learn that he don't want to go back there, it may do him good to figure somethings out for himself. try not to feel guilty about the decisions that he made for his life, and go ahead and do the best you can to be that mama and daddy. he'll be ok, at least he don't have to struggle to pay mortuage, buy food, and take care of the kids. he has life a little better than some of us moms who are left holding the bag. hope i'm not overstepping a boundary, i don't usually post here, cause you guys are so quick with this post, i get lost every time. love ya and still praying for ya.
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Old 03-24-2007, 03:33 PM
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Hi everyone,
AS is out and settled into the next-phase program. I have another thread on it (titled:Yay) in case you haven't seen it. It's extremely affordable for him and they offer more than any place I've seen. He has a comfy bed, free unlimited access to good food and it's a very nice, clean facility.

The job he had lined up...isn't. I was thinking this would happen and that his friend meant well but was just not able to deliver his promises of a job. There's a good position open somewhere else anyway and it's a very good company. I just hope he can get in the system for the county healthcare-soon, and then get some health insurance through work after that.

He seems pretty happy to be there and despite issues about not getting proper medical care for which I would appreciate your prayers. I'll only get involved if he asks or needs someone on the outside to get things made right.

I'm doing okay and life is getting back to normal for us here.
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Old 03-27-2007, 12:18 PM
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Thanks Teke. I see my own feelings in alot of your posts. I've had some of the same converstions with my AH. I too, tell him Jails not supposed to be fun. It's not supposed to be comfortable. You're not supposed to want to come back. etc. I think my problem is I've believed in him everytime he went to rehab (3 times) because he'd tell me he'd changed. Now I hear the same thing, but I don't buy it anymore. I want to see actions not words.

CMC, Continued prayers for your son's medical issues. Glad life is getting back to normal for you. Even with the little things that go on with my AH now, it feels so good to be normal at home.


Dakota, what about the next episode in the story you were telling us? Check in when you have a little time.

Update on me ...
Went to see AH Sunday for our monthly visit. Took youngest daughter with me. After he went on & on about the writing thing for 20 min. we had a decent visit. He turns 40 this week. I mailed him a card with some recent pictures of the kids & me. He does seem to be doing better than I give him credit for. His mother sends him $ every couple weeks. For the past 4 times she's sent $, he would take $10 to the man who orders tennis shoes there, until he had enough to order a pair of shoes. The past 3 visits, he's had crafts that he'd made, to send home with us. For the kids, for me, for my parents, and my granny. They build things with rolled up newspaper, rolled tiny, cut into about 2 inch sections, then glued together, then stained with instant coffee.(looks like wood varnish). He's made a couple gazebos, a jewelry box, a picture frame, a log cabin for my son with a fireplace inside complete with a little fish on the wall. He says he feels so much love inside now and he loves spending the time to build us things to show that. He says hes never felt that feeling of love inside before.

I want to believe in him, but I'm scared of being let down again. I know I can't go back to the old way of life of living with an active addict. For now, I'll just take it one day at a time.
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Old 03-29-2007, 08:29 PM
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Hi Everyone. I suck at giving other people advice. That is why I rarely give advice. Anyways... Family still hasnt figured out about long he is in but im guessing that he is wrong. Im guessing he is for 3 years without parole. Im happy and sad. Im happy cause I know he is safe and he is alive. But im sad cause I wont be able to see him. Life has been hard since he went to jail. It is nice to see him but that puts more pressure on me. But it is hard not to see him. He wants me to write him but I really honestly have nothing to say to him. Could you guys give me ideas about that?
My brother, I havent talked about him in forever but anyways if your one of the people that been on here longer, you might remember me talking about him being in a gang. Well if not I will tell u a little about it. He is in 7-4 gd folks which I been told is part of the crips. Im worried he is going to end up dead over some stupid gang fight or something similar. Or im afarid that they arent going to be able to get him, so they might hurt someone in the family. He is older than me, so he should be the one worrying about me but instead its switched just like my dad and me. I worry about all my brothers and sisters and my mom and dad. Except my 2 sisters I live with.
Easter weekend im going to Thayer, MO to visit some of my family and my lil sis (that I have never seen before) and me lil brother (who i havent seen in 4-5 years). The part about that is I have to see my ex-stepmother and her bf [a cop]. Not to mention the fact that I dont particularly like cops.
Since we are talking about cops, I almost went to juvy Tuesday. I got in a fight with chick. But I hadnt touch her yet so they couldnt take me to juvy. But the next time someone calls the cops on me I have to go to juvy.
Well thats all for today. i have to go. bye.
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Old 03-30-2007, 04:48 AM
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Originally Posted by rayofsunshine View Post
Thanks Teke. I see my own feelings in alot of your posts. I've had some of the same converstions with my AH. I too, tell him Jails not supposed to be fun. It's not supposed to be comfortable. You're not supposed to want to come back. etc. I think my problem is I've believed in him everytime he went to rehab (3 times) because he'd tell me he'd changed. Now I hear the same thing, but I don't buy it anymore. I want to see actions not words.


I want to believe in him, but I'm scared of being let down again. I know I can't go back to the old way of life of living with an active addict. For now, I'll just take it one day at a time.
i hitnk you are doing so well, when i got to the point of being afraid to go back to the old way of living, it made it so much easier for me to continue to focus on me and what i know that is best for me. that fear was a good fear for me and still is. what worked for me is for me to proceed with caution. for the words, like you said, it the actions that count. i say continue to keep the focus of you and what you want. i learn what it meant to expect the worst and hope for the best, in the meantime you don't have to decide anything yet. one day at a time, and you know by his and your actions, which way you want to go. still praying for you.
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Old 03-30-2007, 12:18 PM
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Sadness, I'm glad you got to visit your dad. I know how hard those visits can be. I think it does do the prisoner some good, gives them something to look forward to, and hopefully gives them some incentive (while their mind is clear) to want to seek change for a better life. All we can do is hope and set boundaries of what behaviors of their's we're willing to put up with or not, ultimately the change is all up to them. About the writing... thats one I struggle with. ME wanting to make the time to write, after all he got himself there is my attitude. But just like the visits, it is encouraging to them, lets them know they are loved. My AH wants me to write even if it's just
to "yell" at him for all he's done. (Which I plan to do soon, cause I think it'll help me with some of my anger and resentment). So just do what feels right for you.

You, your dad, and your brother are in my prayers. I'm sorry to hear about your brother possibly being in a dangerous gang. I think his behavior could be handled like our addicts... love him, set boundaries and pray he'll seek change for a better life.

I'm glad you didn't have to go to juvy. How are you doing? I think I remember you writing of getting angry easy a while back ... is that getting any better for you? Keep us posted. Sending (((HUGS)))

Last edited by rayofsunshine; 03-30-2007 at 12:38 PM.
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Old 03-30-2007, 12:33 PM
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Thanks Teke. I learn so much from your posts and the replies I'm following your thread about your feelings living with rah now. I'm trying to learn and work on my issues too cause "I'm not feeling it" with my AH sometimes and I know I'll be apprehensive over the fear of a relapse too when he gets out.
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Old 03-30-2007, 01:03 PM
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ray, i think that its natural to have that fear about when he gets out, you know my husband when active as soon as he got out, sometimes, i hate to say it but a relapse if, it happens, god forbid, could be whats needed for him to see that things really havent change out there, causing him to want to do better. hopefully this doesn't happen, but at the rate you're going, i think that you will be ok, either way. keep the focus on you, thats the key. still praying for ya.
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Old 03-30-2007, 01:37 PM
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i would like to thank you for this thread. my name is kimmie and i have a 21 year old son who is in prison due to his meth use. my heart aches and aches for him. i blame myself for this because i myself am a recovering addict and i feel he learned it from me... he is sentenced to 4 yrs but hopefully he wont do all those yrs. but i do want him to learn a lesson too. thanks
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Old 03-30-2007, 02:12 PM
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Hi Kimmie, my AH doc was meth also. I know from all i've heard and read how hard it is to get off of. So I try to look at my husbands prison sentence as a time out sorta, time to get clean and to learn and grow, since he's participating in church and NA meetings there and working the 12 steps. He tells me of some of the horrible things he's seen in there and how he can't wait to get home. How he never wants to go back there. I pray this time will be his time to change, and your son's time to change. Thanks for sharing... feel free to drop in here on our thread and post anytime.
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Old 03-30-2007, 03:01 PM
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thank you rayofsunshine i am thinking of going to al anon meetings myself. even though i am a recovering addict. i need to learn to set boundaries. but as you say a time out. well thats a great way of looking at it. and i will come over here and post more. thank you for the welcome. and my son even though i hurt he is in prison, i am glad he is alive and not doing the bad things he was doing. he tells me to some of the horrible things he has seen. so hopefully he will learn. and he is going to a fire camp in april, he already got approved for it. so that will be great for him. thanks my name is kimmie
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Old 03-30-2007, 03:26 PM
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hi kimmie, sorry for your pain and i do understand how you must feel, my hearts for you too. i'm a mom and we want the best for our kids. i too am a recovering addict with 7 kids. what has happen to your son is not your fault, he choose to do what he did to get to where he is. my father was addicted but my drug use was because of the choices that i made. my dad may have had his own issues, but it was up to me whether or not to follow in his footstep. you are responsible for you only, now. i know that you are hurting but it still seems like you are ok, i think that since he is in jail, it is a far better place for him to be rather than on the streets using meth. sorry that you had to go through all of this, hopeful its your sons time, and maybe the push that he needs to realize that he does need help. i pray that he begans to reach out while there, and for you to continue to keep the focus on you.
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Old 03-30-2007, 03:35 PM
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thank you teke. my concern for my son is his mental health. when he was out here he tried killing himself buy hanging in a tree. i came home and thank god i did when i did he was already blue. i am afraid he will try that in there and no one will see him. anyhow i know that he is better off in there than on the streets using the meth. i know his choices are his choices, but deep down inside i still feel it is my fault. right now i focus on my recovery, but i gotta to say that this week has been a struggle just getting out of bed and to face my work. one day at a time though
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Old 03-30-2007, 03:40 PM
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have you discussed your concerns with the jail officials or maybe a judge, i don't know the legal system well at all, but there maybe someone that you can voice your concerns too. they do have doctors don't they or they may be able to have him evaluated, do you think?
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Old 03-30-2007, 03:49 PM
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yes i did tell the judge about it. he did have a psyciatiric evaluation however he passed it. maybe it was the meth that made him go out of his mind. that is what i am thinking. i pray every day several times a day. i know my god will look after him. thank you again teke.
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Old 03-30-2007, 03:59 PM
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from what i understand, i think that will do it, i know that sometimes crack does, thats what i thought about me, i felt sucidal too, but as my head began to clear, i had a change of mind. i pray that he'll do just fine, i figure that there maybe other recovering addicts or those that need to recover, who he'll be able to share with and maybe he may find someone that he can share with, i know my husband did. sometimes they do have aa meeting and so sort of rehabilitation in there, i pray that he will reach out. i have a feeling that he's gonna be ok, at least i pray that he do. still praying for ya
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Old 03-30-2007, 04:01 PM
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well thanks teke. and i will also say a prayer for your hubby as well. and i know your right he will be ok. i just need to focus on my recovery and walking forward myself...... thanks again my friend.
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Old 03-30-2007, 06:42 PM
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Kimmie, my AH talked of suicide also when doing meth, and also did lots of crazy stuff that his normal self wouldn't have. I think the meth does affect their minds somewhat, and affects some people worse than others. Try to enjoy the peace knowing he is not on the streets anymore, that you know where he is and hopefully he'll participate in maybe the aa or na meetings they may offer where he is and pick up some tools of recovery. I've read other recovering addict posts that have been through many rehabs and each one helped them a little on their way to recovery and finally they got it. Hopefully this will be your sons and my AH time to get it. And you're right, God will take care of them! I just have to remember to stay out of his way sometimes.
(((HUGS)))
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Old 03-31-2007, 11:04 AM
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Oh, I didnt get to see him but what I meant was that it was great to see him why he was here.
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