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Loved Ones in Prison

Old 07-02-2007, 12:35 PM
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Anyone want to check in or give an update?
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Old 07-02-2007, 01:13 PM
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I hang on to anger and resentment for him being in prison and all the problems the drug addiction has created in our lives. How do you let go? I think it's because I don't want to be hurt again. Does anyone have any advice or experience to offer?
Boy do I get that one. Ah and I always fought through his calls too,a nd weirdly thats what kept me holding on to bad habits. When we first separated a few months ago we had no contact for a while, and while for all appearances sake he appeared to be in complete drug binge phase, I think he grew a bit, and I know I did, that wouldnt have happened if we'd kept talking. Sometimes by getting away from all of it, it becomes easier to let go. You accept his intentions were never to hurt you, himself or the kids, its a product of the disease, and that is something only he can change.

We are two completely different people, never have we or will we react the same to the same things, we are just different. I too in trying to control, pursuade, and manipulate and then just plain being anxious and angry have damaged alot as well. When you start to see those realizations little things, and resentments start to change.

At this point theres no even plans for tomorrow, there cant be we still reside apart, alcohol became a big part of his life, actually it took over his life. He now once again has 5 days clean and sober (Its been a few months for the drugs). Ive seen him struggle with it the last few days, in a way Ive never seen before. The man has had his first 3 meals a day several days in a row in 4 months, when you see them go through that and take all emotions out of it, it changes your views a bit. Can his feelings change back tonite? Im sure part of me is waiting and prepared, as Its not gonna effect me, but for the first time, there's no anger hanging on, but true empathy without ever compromising myself.

I no longer love him like this being I have a death grip on, instead I love him as a human while at the same time loving myself enough to keep a distance.

He looked at me from across a dining table yesterday and said, I dont want that life anymore, it will lead me right back to jail. Ill never get why it took him 8 months to get that, I only know it was the most sincere thing he has ever said
(maybe he truly did have to be completely free with noone pointing out how he was living or telling him right and wrong to get there.
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Old 07-04-2007, 01:31 PM
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I have been trying to work out recently, when do the words I here take effect in my life? I mean I here a lot of good quality advice, sometimes on a daily basis but when does any of this take actual positive dynamic change in my behavior?
A thousand slogans swimming around my head all making perfect since but none being used and becoming part of my 'new character makeup'. What is the catalyst from words to effect? This is an extremely important question to me and one I ask myself daily. I have an opinion on this but I would be keen to hear others opinions also.


Sean,
Made it at last mate? I have been looking forward to hearing from you. You must be so proud of yourself. Your Mum must have a smile from ear to ear.
How are you finding the transition from secure? Look forward to hearing your opinion on the above and how your traveling on WR.

Rayosunshine,
we are all doing really well here. Contentment seems to be with us lately and we are reaping it up with glee.
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Old 07-04-2007, 01:54 PM
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Hi all. It's great to read what's happening in your lives and I wish you the best as always.
My loved one, AS in prison sent me a Mother's Day card...never know when he may contact me and have zero expectations so it was a nice surprise.
I sent him a letter this week with family news and loads of info about my work in wildlife rehabilitation. I love it. We had a peregrine falcon ( fastest animal on earth) that singed its wing on a high voltage power line and could not fly. We treated him and he grew strong again
so we released him back to the wild. It was thrilling to see him fly free again.
I find son is in my thoughts from time to time but I have no longings to see him.
I am very much at peace now with the way his life has been. My work is so fulfilling.
I've gone to the WILD SIDE and am strictly for the birds. LOL

Sadness, for heaven's sake you don't have to compete with brother
and fighting. A little thing is one to walk away from....detach and
try not to react with violence. In prison it's part of the way of life to
be macho and fight. You are not in prison girl. Whatever your father has said, you can make choices that benefit your life. Follow your heart and your own interests.
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Old 07-04-2007, 02:43 PM
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Originally Posted by dakotaboyd View Post
A thousand slogans swimming around my head all making perfect since but none being used and becoming part of my 'new character makeup'. What is the catalyst from words to effect? This is an extremely important question to me and one I ask myself daily. I have an opinion on this but I would be keen to hear others opinions also.
Dakota... is one of those slogans "Nothing changes if nothing changes?" Maybe you have all those slogans, but life is going along the same. Part of recovery is giving back in some way, maybe you could use your great knowledge to help another in need. Maybe volunteer as a mentor at a men's rescue mission or just by attending AA or NA meetings, you'll be able to share some of your knowledge. And by using it, it will meld itself into your new character makeup. Just a thought.


Good to hear from you FrankieB. Your wildlife work sounds exciting. Glad you are doing well.
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Old 07-04-2007, 06:25 PM
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Thats one opinion sunshine and a very good one at that, are there any more opinions on the same question?
So far we have the opinion that giving back helps to secure knowledge, but I at the moment am still unsure whether to secure knowledge is enough to change dynamic in ones own life.
Thanks for your input sunshine it is always valued here!
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Old 07-05-2007, 04:35 AM
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i posted this under Christians in recovery also but wanted to put it here also. sorry to just jump in like this.
Hello all. This is what I am dealing with right now. As you know I am still in jail working on work release. Well Monday a good friend of mine from year’s back that I was in work release with lost the fight against the problems that drugs bring about for us addicts. He went out for work on Monday and never made it back. They found him dead in his truck. He committed suicide by using a hose from the tail pipe. Now mw and he had talked about stuff while at jail and I told him of the release that I had found from working the program and through God. He said that he was doing better and I told him I was always available for him to talk. This guy was usually a happy guy on the outside, but deep in he was hurting bad. I have had, over the years several friend kill themselves, OD, or get murdered etc. this is just unexpected because I think he was clean. (We get drug tested in work release). Then on Wednesday I get a letter from child support enforcement that I need to call them today about paying. I guess this is because I am working now. Well I have always paid my sons mother directly and never been involved with them before. I had joint custody before I was locked up and never missed a payment. (I didn’t pay all of them myself, but my parents did when I didn’t) right now I am working a lot of overtime and don’t know how that will fit into figuring out how much I have to pay. This is something I want to get worked out because it is my responsibility, but I had hoped to take the first step in the action. I owe back support for the last 2+ years and I guess that will come into play also. We had a court date set up for when I got out but sense I am working I guess the time is now. I owe a lot of fines and money out to places. This really tries to get me down, but I try not and let it. I look at it this way, if money is all I got tot worry about then I am ok! It’s just hard sometimes. I still have a road ahead of me and just need prayer and support. Any experience, strength, and hope from others is welcome!! Thanks!!
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Old 07-05-2007, 04:32 PM
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Dakota you know what i did at the, suggestion of someone, was i took one slogan/saying and wrote it out and broke it down and defined it to my own understanding in detail. then i tried to practice it through out the day and week. then it sorta became a habit, with some effort, and then as time went on i would catch myself just acting on it. its like it just became a part of me, and i realized i had grown. "only through understanding and application"
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Old 07-05-2007, 05:40 PM
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Dakota, I got this in one of the daily emails I get... thought it might be helpful.

Depression and Despair

Do we go about our daily work dutifully but joylessly? Have we settled for less in our jobs, homes, or relationships than we want? Have we substituted financial security or physical comfort for the freedom to pursue our heart's desires?

Very few of us give ourselves the opportunities to explore our real interests and potentials. We "lock" ourselves into rigid ways of regarding the world and our options. We often settle for less than our highest aspirations because we have conditioned ourselves into thinking life is joyless endurance or survival at best.

In order to change the empty circumstances in our lives we need to change our limited thinking patterns. Instead of looking at life as a prison, we can view it as a smorgasbord of opportunities that are well within our reach. By exploring and sampling the choices before us we can discover which choices bring us inner satisfaction and increase our sense of purpose.

TODAY I will remind myself of what Roman philosopher Seneca said hundreds of years ago: "The great blessings of mankind are within us, and within our reach..."

You are reading from the book:
The Reflecting Pond by Liane Cordes. Copyright 1981 by Hazelden Foundation.
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Old 07-05-2007, 05:42 PM
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Sean, I posted on your other thread, but wanted to say, you're in my continued
prayers.
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Old 07-06-2007, 07:52 AM
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My AD is in the county jail..picked up just yesterday by probation...added another charge of cocaine to her record...will be in the county until court and then I believe she will serve her previous sentence of 33 months in the state prision...that was suspended if she went to rehab...she refused...It's a hard thing to sit back and watch but at this point, all the choices were and are hers...I acknowledge that, doesn't make me love her less even though I do not agree with her choices...
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Old 07-06-2007, 05:03 PM
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Envision welcome to the thread
i will keep your AD and you in my prayers. i know that i found recovery behind bars. it is possible.my sentence was 3.5 years and iam doing 3 and have about 8 months left. i was in a really bad way when i got locked up, the worst habit of all my friends and on multi. types of drugs.it was a rough start, but it was the best thing that could have happend to me! its a choice that we have to make like you said and it is rough on alot of people around us that we just dont notice while using, or if we start to notice(like myself) we just use more to 'escape'. at least she is safe from the streets, and you know were she is and know she is getting clean, even if not by her chopice. things happen for reasons.
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Old 07-07-2007, 08:41 AM
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1. shareing helps to secure knowledge. (My understanding of sunshines input)
2. break down new information and internalise it, by feeling it, understanding it, and owning it. Putting it to your own words, then taking concious effort to place in practise untill secured by behavioural habbit. (my understanding of seans input)
Good stuff!
Turning words into dynamic change, are there any more suggestions?
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Old 07-07-2007, 12:48 PM
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i like the way you express things dakota. you have a way with words.
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Old 07-08-2007, 12:44 AM
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I suppose the way I express things sean is on the same subject we are talking on now. Any words I say should always be attatched to feelings. If I don't feel them, they are not mine, or rather not mine as yet. It's like the word love. It is really only a word untill we attatch feeling to it./ Once feelings are truly attatched it can then become one of the strongest words used. This is my understanding of when words become change. When we feel them or feel consequence from them.
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Old 07-08-2007, 04:20 PM
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Well said Dakota. Keep talking it through... I think you're on to something.

Sean, I see you have about 8 mo left to serve. My RAH has about 6. I'm kinda nervous about it. His words say he's changed, etc. etc. but his actions are still all about him .. why don't you write, why don't you visit more, why did you do that, why'd you buy that (when my daughter would share something with him). I really dread the weekly phone calls even after my last post, the next phone call was about
the writing thing. I told him I was not discussing, if he mentioned again, I'd hang up.
Also, the weekly phone calls, he tries to call several other times during the week, but I won't answer except for the day we've agreed on. It's not for controlling or selfish reasons, but financial. Collect calls are not cheap. I explained to him how can I trust him on other issues if I can't trust him to call ONCE a week as agreed. For me,
this is a boundary he keeps pushing on. His response was how I should keep my word and write him more. I know this is petty and minor stuff, but it is a continuing
battle I wish I knew how to handle better.
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Old 07-08-2007, 05:12 PM
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Hello to my old friends and welcome to all you new ones here on this thread.
It's been awhile and I'll give an update on how I'm doing and what's up with my son.
He has just 2 weeks left to stay in the court appointed facility. He was set to rent a house with a friend- just a room, but the friend backed out. They were in jail together and at the same place right now. If need be, my son can stay with him until he finds a place, but I think he has found an efficiency apt. It's close to work and to the old halfway house where he wants to attend meetings. This will be his first time on his own without someone sharing the rent.

I'm doing pretty well with all of it and have my periodic 'slips' of worry and fear- but I'm making progress. There was a huge transition for me when he left jail and just the planning stages of moving out on his own have been stressful for me at times.

I am very confident of his recovery and desire to stay clean. I don't like to imagine how I would be doing if this were not so....things going so well and sometimes I'm still fighting for my own peace of mind.

Alot of good things have happened for him...a great job where he is advancing; free meds given by his doctor last week; a very nice girl friend he met at work; good news on waiving all court and probation fees and most of all he has continued to make good decisions over time.

It's safe to say that his recovery is more advanced than mine at times...nobody's comparing but me. jmo I get alot of help from him when we talk- he's full of wisdom from God (he has a strong faith) and his program.

I've been so blessed to spend alot of quality time with him. When opportunities arose for me to drive him to the doctor or a training session, we managed to squeeze in some dining out and fun trips to movies, the zoo and a museum. These times with him were very healing for me, and him too, I feel.

There have been some very deep heart to heart talks about things that happened and what is to be. We lost so much when he was out using and in jail- my hope is that he will continue on this good path.
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Old 07-08-2007, 05:42 PM
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Sounds like a very needy child you got coming home sunshine, and not a supportive husband.
Remember sunshine his control over you is still at a minimum, once released he will have a lot more cards at his disposal to play an even better game.
NO SUNSHINE this is not petty nor miner stuff and I am so pleased you are aware of the play of control, because in the end control is what this is all about. When he is released do you allow him to yet again set up an environment, that you are part of, that will further accommodate a using life style.

A drug addict is an extremely needy thing. I could not sooth the pain with out drugs. I could not work nor converse with out drugs. I could not eat, I could not sleep with out drugs. All emotional needs, all physical needs catered for by drugs.
When the drugs were gone, I didn’t know how to tie my shoelaces let alone fill any emotional need, so I used other people to fill these needs. I become an emotional vampire. As my wife become fully dependant on me I attached co-dependence to her. She, to a very small scale took over where the drugs left of. Never lasted very long, always back to drugs. I don’t think any one can fill the needs you yourself must learn how to fill. Its what makes us complete and as a single entity that can stand on ones own feet.
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Old 07-08-2007, 05:56 PM
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A drug addict is an extremely needy thing. I could not sooth the pain with out drugs. I could not work nor converse with out drugs. I could not eat, I could not sleep with out drugs. All emotional needs, all physical needs catered for by drugs.
When the drugs were gone, I didn’t know how to tie my shoelaces let alone fill any emotional need, so I used other people to fill these needs. I become an emotional vampire. As my wife become fully dependant on me I attached co-dependence to her. She, to a very small scale took over where the drugs left of. Never lasted very long, always back to drugs. I don’t think any one can fill the needs you yourself must learn how to fill. Its what makes us complete and as a single entity that can stand on ones own feet.
Rayofsunshine, DAkota describes perfectly what Ive seen with my AH, except I wanted to add, when he wasnt validated and couldnt control it became more and more important for him to control. SInce he got out last November, even though most of that we've been apart he's becoming increasingly angry and will do anything for control, and really how can you validate a person you have no respect for.
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Old 07-08-2007, 08:13 PM
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Originally Posted by dakotaboyd View Post
I become an emotional vampire. As my wife become fully dependant on me I attached co-dependence to her. She, to a very small scale took over where the drugs left of. Never lasted very long, always back to drugs. I don’t think any one can fill the needs you yourself must learn how to fill. Its what makes us complete and as a single entity that can stand on ones own feet.
Emotional vampire..... that describes it... it leaves you drained emotionally for sure. I can't remember your story from where you decided to change Dakota. Do you mind sharing when you have time? Did your wifes actions have a part in it? (Its hard to believe we've been sharing on this subject a year now!)
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