rayofsunshine

You're right Kimmie, 2 years is a cakewalk compared to 10-20 years. Just
being alone is tough. My H was gone on binges alot, didn't work the last year before he was sent to prison. So I guess alot of the loneliness I feel comes from being alone then before he was really gone. My kids really take a lot of my time and energy, so I don't have too much time to feel sorry for myself, thankfully. LOL. Will send you a PM.

sadness123

Hello Everyone. Long time no update from me. Easter weekend I went to Missouri to see family. I saw my aunts, uncles, and cousins. I also saw my stepmom and lil bro and sis. Acturally it is my ex-stepmom but I claim her instead of my new one.
You know what kind of makes me sick to my stomach? My grandparent's [his parent's] think it is good that he gets out of doing the time for most of the crimes he commits. They always go Im not going to talk to him again if he goes back to jail. And he goes back to jail and they send him a bunch of money and bail him just so he can go right back in. It is like a cycle. Let him do his time and dont send him money and maybe he would learn his lesson.
Does he think I like having a father, that I talk to or do stuff with? Like when you go the mall you always see a mother a father and a little girl there with her parents laughing and having a good time. And when im at the mall im with my friends. I know how ppl complain about going with family but I wish I could. But I dont live with my mom or dad.

And when I call her mom it will ring for like 7 seconds and then hang up. Does that means she got her phone turned off or is it dead or what? If you have a clue let me know.

Sunflower

I don't know how you all seem so strong!! I envy you.My son went to prison this past year for the first time--he was only there a week.Now he has monitored probation for a year and if he screws up-its 2 years in prison.I am so scared--terrified--I really thought I would die the first time-seriously--crying-fainting-vomiting-a mess-I was very weak and you all sound so strong.

rayofsunshine

Hi Sadness. Wow, you have gotten something that takes a lot of us much longer to get.... we think all our "helping" (bailing out, giving $, talking, begging, crying, pleading) will help the addict. But it doesn't. Letting them suffer the consequences of their actions, like you said above, is what helps them the most. After all, why would the addict WANT to change if someone is always cushioning their fall? Its the hard lessons, the suffering of their own choices, that makes them want to change.

Addiction is tough for the family. Take care of you. You are so worth it!

rayofsunshine

Welcome to our thread, Sunflower. I have my strong days and my weak days. This site has sure helped save my sanity. I have learned alot about addiction here, as well as setting boundaries.

I hope that week was enough to make your son realize that prison is not a place he wants to be for 2 years, and he'll make good choices. Feel free to post here anytime. Getting my thoughts out and sorting thru them with the input of those who have walked in my shoes has helped tremendously.

Sunflower

thanks for the welcome--hope you don't mind if I drop in every once in a while--hopefully my son won't have to go through this again--but that is up to him--I may just sit back and read your posts from time to time--I just marvel at the strenght you all have.....

Wascally Wabbit

I have an ex a h
I have one son who is not an addict in prison, strange that he's not an addict because his brother who got out of jail a year ago is.

rayofsunshine

Drop in anytime, Sunflower. We've had a lot of people drop in on this thread in the past year. We've all traveled a lot of different paths, but have really gained strength from each other. (I miss our old thread being here, and those people. Hope they will continue to pop in from time to time.)

Welcome too, wascally wabbit. Feel free to share anytime.

cmc

Hi All,
I'm just checking in here. My son is doing well in the halfway house and got a great job. I'm going to a new meeting for families that is held at the 'house' and I like this one alot. My favorite meetings are so far away though

Once my son is out of this place it's unlikely I will still attend. This is what happened the last time he was at a halfway house but I did keep going to that meeting for several years after he moved out. (Alanon) Both of these are over 30 miles away, but I get to see my son afterwards if I attend.

It's nice to see this thread continue and evolve with new friends joining in!

take care,

cmc

Anyone hear from Babs and/or Dakota?

hello-kitty

hello. I've never posted on this board. I was really attracted to this thread. My baby's father is in prison. He has been for 18 mos. He will serve 2 years on a 4 year sentence which means he will be released in July. He is a crack addict. Of course he is full of millions of promises that he "has changed". But the way I see it, change is a process. Right now his change is supported by his being in prison. It's a lot easier to stay clean in such a regulated environment. He is doing really well in there. But I just don't trust that he will be able to stay clean when he gets out.

I am really struggling because he thinks he is going to move back in with me when he gets out and that we are going to live happily ever after as a family. Is he out of his mind? Am I? I don't even think I feel the same way about him anymore. I have completely changed since he went in. I am a struggling struggling (did I emphasize struggling) single mom who has given up her old party lifestyle to be a good mom and I am making a go of it. He treated me like absolute crap before he ended up in prison.

Anyway, I am in the process of trying to figure out how to word the letter to him that says that he needs to make his own way when he gets out of jail and prove that he is committed to sobriety and recovery. I can't risk my peace of mind or my sons stability that he might change his mind about staying clean and sober and working for a living once he gets out of prison. Also, I just don't have the same feelings I used to have and there is no way that we can pick up where we left off because I am a different person now.

Anyway, it's very stressful. I send him recovery stuff in the mail but I'm not sure if he is willing to do whatever it takes to stay clean when he gets out.

rayofsunshine

Hi CMC. Glad to hear your son is doing well, and you're able to attend meetings. Attending meetings is something I haven't been able to fit in to my busy- running-my-3- kids-to-their-activities schedule. Looks like I will not have as much to do in May and I am going to make a point of checking into some local meetings. SR has been a source of much support and learning for me. I think I am ready to add to that with face-to-face learning & sharing.

Babs checked in a week or so ago and is doing well.

Dakota, where are you?

rayofsunshine

Welcome HelloKitty. Glad you joined us. This SR forum is a great place for learning more about addiction and getting support. One of my favorite sayings to my H is "Actions, not words." (I've heard too many promises that were'nt kept to believe just words anymore.)

You'll see lots of different endings to our prison journeys here on this thread, and to find your path you'll need to look within yourself for the answers. I so get the struggling single mom part. That is ME too! I have 3 kids, and it seems there is something one of them needs all the time.... which requires $$$. I think you'll do just fine in writing the letter. Just tell him your honest feelings as you wrote above. If he is serious about his recovery, he'll work with you on this. For now, take time to take care of yourself. Do something nice for you and the baby. For so long living with addiction, we often forget how to relax and have fun. Keep reading and posting here. You'll find lots of encouragement & support.

rayofsunshine

Sadness, I meant to ask about the cell phone... does your mom usually have voice mail?

We miss you Dakota and Babs! Hope each of you are doing well.

Anyone else want to check in?

Babs

Hi Gang,

Funny, each time I am in crisis and need to sort out my head (and my heart) I can't seem to stay away from the boards. When my life calms down, I don't seem to have much to say.

My life is better than it has been in years....make that decades! I don't live in fear all the time. My house feels clean, serene and safe. People have been telling me that they even see a difference in my face....I laugh a LOT more!

I am so very grateful for the help I received here when I was going through such a dark time.....and indeed, I am finally finding some light.

I love you guys,

Babs

sadness123

Yes she usually has voice mail

sadness123

Hello everyone. They gave in and gave him money. He is in there for 3 years. I will be 16 years and 1 month and 2 weeks old. I have it all calulated. I feel bad about it though. Cause I kept saying I wish he would go to jail for a year and now he is in for 3 years. And I feel bad because I kept wishing for him to go to jail and I am his daughter. I feel like I have betrayed him. It seems like I have a little bit of guilt for this thing. But everything happens for a reason.

I have heard that my brother still does drugs and still gets drunk. That better not be true. But if it is im not going to snitch on him. We are family we have to stick together. I dont think that is true because I saw him yesterday but knowing him it problay is. Plus I found it out from his friend's sister. So I am doubting that it isnt true. I wont ever snitch him out because he always defends me and he protects me. And when I started talking to him about 2 years ago, I kind of looked up to him. I acturally do look up to him. No matter how many stupid things he does, or how stupid he acts. He is my other brother and I love him. He treats me how every older brother should treat their younger sisters.

Well I have to go. Im going to go get some sleep since it is almost midnight.

rayofsunshine

You're right Sadness, everthing happens for a reason. And your fathers actions got him where he is today, not your wishes. Please don't blame yourself. Hopefully, he'll find his way this time and seek recovery and change when he gets out. You sould like a great daughter. Take care of yourself.

Babs

Hi Gang,

I had one of those moments of clarity this week that I want to share. I do freelance work so every job I do is different, for a different client. Normally I am pretty much of a nervous wreck, always second-guessing myself and generally making myself nuts. I have been called obsessive more than once.

Anyhow, I just did the biggest job of my career..........and I did not feel the usual anxiety. I told myself, "Maybe I'm just too tired to be nervous" but as the job progressed I was actually surprised by how good I felt....how confident....how well prepared.

It finally dawned on me that since the XAH has been gone, my whole life is not about being a failure anymore. I always knew in my head that I was not to blame for his addiction, but my heart was a lot harder to convince. This job showed me just how serene I had actually become in the last 8 months. I felt like a success for the first time in years. I think my heart is actually catching up to my head.

When I divorced my XAH, I went through months of wondering if I had done the right thing. I think this job finally convinced me that I did. Not living with addiction has been SO freeing! I am free to feel good, to feel confident, to feel proud, to feel like a success. Woo-hoo!

I just never realized how many things in my life would change when I changed the one big thing.....living with addiction. Wow, the insights just keep on coming!!

I love you guys,
Babs

rayofsunshine

Babs, gaining self-esteem feels good, doesn't it? Self-esteem is something I still struggle with. Sometimes I don't feel "good enough" for a given situation. Last week, the head of our Computer Dept. helped me rewrite my resume as I'm thinking of looking for a new job... I sound really good now on paper, LOL. I did have an interview test, Friday, which boosted my self-esteem, even though the pay was too low for me to accept. But it was good experience and good for my self esteem.

Dakota ... where are you? Check in when you feel like it. We miss you and hope
everything is well with you!

teke

ray, just wanted to say it here too, that i'm praying that you find that perfect job and that i'm glad to hear that you are getting a boost in the self esteem dept. good for you.