dilanafan

Thankyou all for your advice and warm welcomes. It is sad but so true that my dad would likely want me to feel guilt. I have spent nearly 3yrs avoiding thinking of him because of the wave of guilt that follows but i realise its integral to my own recovery to deal with this issue. He goes up for his 3rd parole hearing next month by all accounts it looks probable for his release he got sentenced to just under 8yrs. Im not ready for him to get out.

Babs

Dilanafan--The last few weeks, since I have refused to go get my XAH out of rehab for the day, he has been calling our sons. Now, this guy never really had anything to do with these boys their entire lives (they are 29 and 21) but now that I am finally saying "No" to him, he is trying to guilt our sons into doing his bidding. They are simply the next most likely candidates to be manipulated. I have talked very honestly to my boys about boundaries and protecting ourselves during this very chaotic and vulnerable time, but I will not tell them what to do. They have to follow their own hearts just as you do, Dilana. When you are able to safely deal with your father, you will know. Until then, don't feel guilty for putting your own recovery first and don't allow anyone to jeopardize your progress. In the search for recovery, there are simply some things we must leave behind. It is hard, but it is just the way it is.

Loveon2legs--You go girl. It sounds like you are doing just fine. Funny how we think we can't go on without them, but after they are gone we wonder what took us so long. Keep dropping by. Many of us have had these issues.....and we don't hold much back on this thread!

Dakota--Whew, what a story. The amount of drama you continually deal with in your life is daunting! I am dying to see the next episode! You never fail to inspire and enlighten me.

Frankie--I am with you in that garden. I always found more proof of Higher Power in nature than I did in church. It is so uplifting to see the renewal..... and to know that it can even work for us!

Ray--CMC is right. You are flat understaffed. When single parents are stretched so thin, it is easy to have a bad day now and again.......but when you were not a single parent and living with active addiction, they were all bad days..... I think you hold it together amazingly well!

CMC--No, there is no new man in my life. It will take a long time for this girl to start feeling single. There is no new job. I dearly love the one I have.....it isn't just what I do, it is what I AM!

What I have is a new attitude. My mind has become calmer. I am not living in defense mode anymore. Every day is not a crisis. I give myself a break a lot more often. I laugh with my sons more. I am becoming downright boring........and I love it.

And I love you guys,
Babs

teke

dilan< i do understand you not being ready for your father to get out, my ah got sentenced to 2 yrs, and when the time came for him to be paroled out on early release, i tried my best to convince the people at the parole board that they had made a mistake, that they had previously told me that he was not to get out for 6 more months.

i guess it was like fear set in or something and i just did not feel like going through the motion anymore

cinderellawkids

HI everyone wanted to pop in. For those new to reading this thread. My oldest 2 sons father is in prison for the next 14 years, already completing 6 at this time.
My current husband is an addict and been in and out of correction facilities and rehabs for the 4 years of our marriage.

I live one day at a time. His decisions are once again bad ones, and while for the first time there is no probation in his life, reality is the way he's going he will be back there once again

cmc

babs,
There you go...just when we think you're the greatest, you go out and get yourself a new and even better attitude! I'm so happy for you and that as your 'new life' unfolds before our eyes, it is full of wonderful blessings and surprises. Thanks for sharing with us!

dakota,
You are getting a real-life lesson in just how far the addiction of codependency can go...and all your hard won lessons in life are actually being used to 'save' your brother from himself.
His addictions appear to be work and 'being the good one'...the feeling of helping and being responsible are payoff of those behaviors- his drug. The way you describe the family dynamic is so clear and accurate.
I'm glad you have been able to 'help' him and yet keep your own place. Bravo.

dakotaboyd

'His addictions appear to be work and 'being the good one'...the feeling of helping and being responsible are payoff of those behaviors- his drug.'
CMC,
Yes these are certainly the feel goods in life he would be striving to achieve, but I do not believe them to be his only payoff in this twisted relationship. I will try to explain a little later on.


'Whew, what a story. The amount of drama you continually deal with in your life is daunting! I am dying to see the next episode!'

babs,
Drama, s##t, my whole bloody life has been a ‘days of you life’ episode.
I reckon I got a 'drama magnet' stuck to me at birth. I am sure you will be riveted by part two, as this woman is just warming up.

Now before I get back into this tale of terror, Ill just recap on something.
My brother up until now had never been receptive to me, or to too many people for that matter. Closed minded, opinionated and very moral.
His openness only came when his closed ideas failed him. All his old behaviors failed to keep him going. He went from a defensive person to a receptive person for necessity. If he did not, something would have given. If he could have continued, and nothing was going to break, he would still be in that dynamic.
He arrived at my old mans place after leaving her for biting him and stayed there for one week. His life was in a mess; his job was in a mess and his family unit broken.
Now we are talking about a man who has strived all his days to conform to doing the 'right thing', and has never stepped foot out of line. The perfect car, the perfect house, the perfect job, all the right mates, and now three years into his marriage with two kids, bang it all starts coming down on him.
After a week of keeping to his guns, she called him with a proposal of going to a private Phyc unit for treatment. He said no.
He went around with me a couple of days later to pick up some things. While we were there, as a last resort, she threw her self down at his feet and as he tried to pull away was dragged behind him begging and screaming. At this stage my brother still believed her to be crazy with some sort of personality disorder and agreed to go back to support her through. I did not believe her to be crazy, just extremely badly behaved with up until now, no reason to control it.
He again gave in to her and decided to give it one more go. He almost instantaneously become defensive with me again and dove on in for another crack with her.
Within a week it was worse than before. She learnt the dynamic of pushing him to the limit, then backing of to avoid consequence and she knew just how far to push. He was like an emotional yo yo.
I knew if he was in a good mood, she was in a good mood and vice versa.
Another call soon after and by the time I got there, It was insane. I cant remember the words she was saying but it amounted to Poor me Poor me why don’t you fix me. The absolute worst of victoms and prepared to go to any lengths to stay that way. All the while the kids are crying in the bedroom.
Her screaming and ranting finaly got the police called by neighbours, who come and took her away.
He was again a broken man and receptive to advice. I repeated the same thing. You must draw a line in the sand to protect yourself against her behavior. He was so caught up with this womans needs he didn’t know where he started and where she finished. He didn’t know what part was him and what part was her. Completely immersed in her co-dependence on him and his for her.
I suggested a trial separation to give him space to think and gain some identity. He agreed but when she returned home, knowing that she had pushed to far, she had a plan to again avoid consequence.
The following day she was signed in to the private phyc unit.
While she was in the hospital, my brother and I saw a lot of each other. It was great, no boundaries or walls to each other, just honesty. We talked about our childhood and the effects it had on both of us and started building a solid platform for true relations.
I explained my recovery in detail to him and the events that led me down the path that I followed. For those brief few weeks I saw my older brother for the first time. The whole ‘no mask’ deal and he saw a glimpse of the real me.
By this time, her being a control freak, she become aware to the threat that I could be to her, so she began to distance me.
After all recourses left to my brother to change this woman had failed and one last violent outburst from her, he packed his things before she come home.
He rented a unit not too far from her, and moved in.

Now so far I’ve written about when they were together, and now about the actual separation, but what I really wanted to talk about was the dynamics that exist today. They are truly the most bizarre! And to me interesting, but as usual I have gone about it the long way and I need some sleep, so I will write the rest tomorrow.
Goodnight to you all.

Babs

We all love a good cliff-hanger!


Funny, this sounds just like my XAH! I always thought of myself as the control freak in our relationship, but I am beginning to think that his behaviour is as much, if not more, about control than mine! That is a huge new concept for me.

I always thought that by giving huge amounts, I would teach others to give a lot, too. What I seem to have done, however, is teach them to take and take and take. First, because it was easy, and now because they think it is their right.....and when I don't give them what they want, they go to the extremes of behavior like your SIL. This seems so obvious to me once I look at the situation from the perspective that HE is the control freak.

WOW. I gotta do some thinking about this. I am so glad you wrote this story. There are some parallels here that I need to explore.

Who is better than you, Dakota?!

Babs

dakotaboyd

We are all control freaks Babs. Every last one of us. Control in our lives promotes order, and order is disorders opposite so we strive to achieve it. When we live in a world of such disorder, with beliefs that we can not change 'the big picture, we tend to obsess over the smaller things. Compulsive behaviors start. I mean who the hell wants a life where they feel out of control of their destiny, no one. So then it becomes imperitive to at least promote the illusion in ones mind that control is in their hands.
Remember people have many other reasons and objectives for controling people places and things but here is an example that supports the above. Pip comes from an extreamly religious family with strict and rigid beliefs. She was brought up in a house where opinion and debate were of no use, as their growth had been completed through their belief system, and there was no room for change. There was always one answer for any question asked. With no avenue to question ideas and unable to except their answers, she became inward and closed. She shared a room with her two year older sister who was an extreamly high emotion person and bullied her into corners.
Now a sister with all sibling control, and parents who gave no outlet for escape, she was forced her inward for answers, and she created an illusion in her mind of control. My wife has OCD but not in all three senses. Because she had no control over people or place, she obsessed over things. Everything in our home is in order. Everything is counted in her mind to the point she knows how many bars are on the verandah handrail. This is no exageration. She needs to have that sence of control and when lifes problems come and she is stressed out, feeling out of control, she imiediatly starts vacuming and obsesing over the small things in life. The things within her grasp. Nothing in our home can ever be out of place or she will feel power less. I am really speaking in past tense of her as she has improved beyond belief but the tendancies are still obvious. An instance would be of resent when family comunications started for her, well their wasnt a speck of dust in our house. She bussied her mind, putting a blockage to the things that worried her. Being bussy stoped speculation which lessened her anxiety.
My wife never ever seeks to control me or any other. As a fatter of fact, by childhood dynamic, she has never learnt to control things out of her tangible grasp. It makes her such a beautiful unmanipulative human being. She has no skills to look outside of herself for control so she has no idea how to do it. The problem is, is that she also does not read people manipulating her. She is easily read and easily controled, if you know how her mind dynamics work. I on the other hand am extreamly manipulative and very receptive of others, so she leans on me in this department. A co-dependancy starts. This is a little closer to the answer for my brother as to what he gets from the tragic relationship he is still in. There is a balance to all of this that one must find in regards to control in your own life. I will make an attempt to finish the other tale of terror in my next post as I have gone on too long yet again.
Remember that all I write is only my interpritation of the people around me and not solid concrete fact. It is only my understanding only.
dakotaboyd

kj0975

Here is a link to the old one:
http://209.85.165.104/search?q=cache...gl=us&ie=UTF-8

kj0975

another link will pull up all the posts click on cached on the bottom of description. All the pages seem to be there.
http://www.google.com/search?q=loved...&start=10&sa=N

sadness123

Hey everyone. Things are going pretty good. I think my dad is getting out of jail next month. If not then he is getting out the month after that. I havent heard from him, no one in my house has. he spends his collect calls on my stupid stepmomster. g2g bye. Thanks everyone.

Babs

Wow, Kim, that is great! I never knew what the "cache" thing was all about. I love a day when I learn something!

Thanks!
Babs

rayofsunshine

Thanks for the links, KJ.

Sadness, I'm glad you found our new thread. Glad to hear things are going
pretty good for you. Take care of yourself and give us an update when you
can. (((HUGS)))

rayofsunshine

Dakota, were ready for the next episode of Days of your life. LOL

sadness123

Hey everyone. I just heard some news today. In Missouri, they put everything to do with cops in the paper like. And my Aunt lives there so she cut the thing out of the paper and sent it to us. It says he is in there for 3 years without paroll. But he wrote my grandfather a note saying that he could try to get paroll in April. I kept complaining about how I wanted him to be in for a year. But now he is in for 3 and I feel horrible. I feel bad because I was all mad because he was only in for 3 months and now the time tripled of what i wanted it to be. And what pisses me off is that my stepmom acturally I dont claim her. But anyways she doesnt get anytimes and she does/did drugs just us much as him. And if her excuse was she was hanging out with the wrong ppl, then why did she marry him? Her and mom need to get out of denial. She is a ******* crackhead throw her ass into rehab. She is addicted, just like everyone else.
On the "War on Drugs" I think drugs are winning and the world is losing. I wish All drug users and dealers had the only little country to live on that way they can all be crackheads without interfereing with other people's lifes. Then they can all kill each other over stupid drug fights.
I hate it when people are in denial. Im kind of mad right now. I dont want my dad to be in jail for 3 years only 1. But thats way things happen sometimes. I wont see him for a long time.
I think all kids' parents need to be in their lives unless they happen to pass away. No one knows how happy I would be if I at least got to see my parents more often. I would be happy forever if I lived with them. I would die to live with them. I would love to live them.
My mother still basically loves my father but their relationship was so unhealthly. They were violent. I remember being 2 years old and having to duct to miss getting hit by glass they were throwing at each other. Well I have to go. Sorry If I offened anyone. Bye. have a good night.

rayofsunshine

Sadness, It's helps just to get things out sometimes. I'm glad you can come here and do that with people who understand. Sending (((BIG HUGS))).
You're gonna be ok! Just keep praying that this time in jail will be his time
to get clean and he'll decide to turn his life around.

(In NC we have an offender search screen on the NC DOC website that gives you sentencing history and release date info. I tried to look up for MO, but its different and doesn't give sentencing history or release info.)

dakotaboyd

Been at my old mans place helping out and his computer screen has gone on the blink. Just got back home now so I will catch up tomorrow. Hope all is well.

rayofsunshine

Dakota, Hope all is well there? How are you Babs? Anyone else want to check in?

Everything is going along pretty normal here. Working, running my three kids around 4 nights a week. Where I work is slow, so we get a week off per month. This was my week off. Just getting some things done around the house, being a little lazy at times. AH still calls once a week on Friday evenings. We go visit once a month. Our next visit is Sunday.

dakotaboyd

good sunshine, just flat out for time! Luck you for the time off.
I haven't been this busy for a long time. I am so glad you are getting some routine with your AH. Enjoy being lazy mate.

Babs

Hi All,

Busy week for me.....heading out to San Diego on Monday to do a short job. I am taking an extra couple of days to catch the tail end of the grey whale migration season......seeing a whale in the wild has always been on my "must do before I die" list, and since I am already going to be there, I am going to give it a shot. I've got my fingers crossed!

Woo Hoo!

Babs