Indisposed

I spent a good amount yesterday reading similar situations I've currently dealing with, and thankful I found this forum. Figured it would give me a chance to share my story. Here it goes.

I'm 36 and have been dating someone for the last 6 1/2 years. I was 29 when we first met and she was 22. I'm just about 7 years older than her. We first met a job, got together, and it started off hot and heavy. We would go out to drink on the weekends and my ex would always drink to the point of puking and blacking out. I knew at the time it wasn't right but I never knew an alcoholic so I didn't think too much of it. I got to know her and realized she was bi polar and manic depressive without getting the help she needed for those two issues. She was drinking to escape her head and she obviously abused it. I made the mistake of allowing it to happen because I would drink with her too and treat her to great times at hotels, concerts, the whole nine. I'm also someone who has had anxiety and depression issues my whole life, been medicated, seen doctors, and everything. I would smoke marijuana almost daily but that's pretty much about it (never really liked drinking)

Throughout our first couple of years, I noticed her trend of being mentally and physically abusive towards when drunk. I've had her bite me on my neck to get away from her, spit in my face, and talk down to me by calling me a piece of ****, loser, and much worse. It was an endless cycle where it would happen and then the next day she wouldn't remember anything and apologize and say she doesn't know why I stay with her. This went on for years until she went out and cheated on me one night while drunk. As much as my gut told me not to, I stayed with her because she came out and told me the truth the very next day. Things were always good for us when she was sober so I kept hope out on the potential we could have if she got sober. I pushed treatment upon her but she always insisted that it was a mental issue, not an addictive one, and that she could take care of it if she had me and distractions.

Throughout our relationship, she crashed multiple cars, got a slap in the wrist dui (was able to drive for work) and lived with her mother. We never lived together because I was always afraid of her abusing me, drinking, or getting us in trouble. It took a huge toll on me mentally to the point where when 2020 came I fell into a huge depression.

My ex has and would use almost every possible drug that would be available to her. She always told me that she hated living sober and it isn't fun. I would give her weed because I figured it helped her stay away from alcohol (which it did but looking back it was a mistake). She also introduced me to molly and keep this in mind I only ever drank once in the blue moon and smoke weed. We dabbed in that sometimes to the point where I basically said enough. 2020 hit and she got the point where she was going to get kicked out of her mom's house because she couldn't keep a job and she would drink behind our backs every day and her mom and I tried to get her help but she never wanted to.

2020 hit and I stopped drinking with her. I told her that I was enabling her and she had a severe problem that she needs to help for. She tried doing it herself and obviously that didn't work. We had a lot of rough patches throughout the year because of her drinking and she knew my stance on it along with her families and everyone else around her.

Fast forward to July of 2021, she was going to get kicked out of her house if she didn't agree to treatment. She decided to go to an all female rehab facility for one month. Went there and when I picked her up, she looked the happiest and healthiest I've ever seen her. She was saying all the right things and I really believed this was it. She relapsed 2 days later and I got pissed. Her mom told her she had to go to AA every day and took away her car, she had no money, and basically our relationship was on the rocks. She randomly broke up with me a day after going to a state fair (which she had a great time at, wanting to take pics with me and seeming all lovey dovey). Told me that she didn't love me anymore. She then proceeded to go on a huge binge and used a bunch of friends to get messed up every day. We eventually started hanging out again within a week because I basically begged her to stay with me. I kept pushing that she needed more treatment and 30 days wasn't enough, I gave her passes because I was more worried about losing her. Last week she was out, she was stealing money from her mom, drinking, and hiding the beer so her mom wouldn't see it. She got verbally abusive to me like always and told me she didn't love me but comes out the next day apologizing and saying "she doesn't even know why i'm with her".

She got accepted to another treatment center (different one than before) and drove into the place drunk. Called me and told me that she loved me so much, was going to mess me, and begged me not to forget her. She didn't have a phone for the first month so I would hear from her once a week. She asked me to come visit and when I did, she brought us up and said that she wanted to put all her effort into this treatment without the worries of our relationship (everything I read is that they should do this) and I basically told her i'm not going anywhere and that I want her to put all her effort into getting healthy and kicking this so she can finally be happy. Whatever happens with us will be meant to happen. We both were crying and kissed goodbye. She got her phone back and we would talk almost every day. Were making plans for things to do when she got out and what I should get for her for Christmas, etc.

Three weeks ago she wanted to take photos for me and asked if I could send a sexy picture she sent me 3 years ago for "reference". At the time I got anxiety and asked her if it was for another guy because I thought it was odd she was asking for a 3 year old picture. She swore to me that it was for me, getting upset I was thinking otherwise so I caved in sent it to her and she did send me one the next day. I noticed her becoming friends with guys at the place (her place was co-ed) on social media and my gut was telling me I was right about the other guy thing. She started getting distant and quit the first 2 jobs she started while there (endless routine of never being able to keep one) but was talking to me less and less. I thought I was bothering her and she knew I was struggling with anxiety and depression because I was damn near crying on the phone all the time. 5 days ago, I asked if we could talk and she basically said that she wants to concentrate on herself right now and make this soberty her number 1 issue and not worry about us "right now". I asked her if there was someone else and she basically came out and said yes and that "she only went to AA" with him twice. She said we shouldn't talk anymore and that I should move on. Did it in a really unsincere way. Two days later, she deletes me on instagram (kept our close two friends, plus my mom and sister) and uploads a photo with another guy in recovery.

Quick google search will tell you this guy has been in and out of jail for 7 years. in 2016-2018 he was in jail for controlled substance, and then since 2020, he's been arrested 6 times and charged with 6 felonies for theft. He just got out of jail in July. He's also only 26.

I'm so damn heartbroken and confused on how she could do this to me with no remorse. All her family have told me I should've left a long time ago, no one would've given her this many chances, or had the best intentions for her as I did. I put so much effort into getting sober that I lost sight of myself and I'm so damaged right now. I know that based on reading, this is a huge mistake on her part and she's doing this to fill the empty void of the fun of alcohol and drugs. I'm afraid and pissed off and want to write her and ask how she could lie, manipulate, and hurt someone who did so much for her but know it's pointless because of where she's at right now. Her family is pissed at her for not putting herself and her getting sober first and for how she treated me as well. I'm just so lost on what to do and feel like I just lost my best friend and got thrown to the curb like a piece of garbage. I could understand it being this way if I treated her badly but she always told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to her and she doesn't know why I stayed with her because she's a terrible human being.

Any advice would help. Sorry for the long story but I was trying to cover everything. I think I would feel better if I knew this guy was a good person and was good for her but knowing the kind of person he is, it makes it worse and i'm taking this really bad. Thanks for listening.

sage1969

I'm so sorry for your heartbreak. It sounds a hellish amount of years that you have been in this.

I say this being at the other end of the tunnel, what is in this for you? You don't seem comfortable with the alcohol or the behavior, she does not seem to care about you or your relationship. Why are you holding on so tight?

My deceased AH of 12 years was unmedicated, rapid cycling bipolar. He managed to hide the diagnosis from me for most of that time. He self medicated with alcohol, drugs, and multiple other addictions. I thought I was standing by him when no one else would. I helped co create a nightmare for myself and my family.

I say this as kindly as I can: step back and realise that her choices are hers alone, you did not cause it and cannot control it nor cure it (the three Cs). She has to choose where she goes from here and whether she chooses sobriety or not. The added difficulties of bipolar mean she must choose to get treatment and choose to consistently take medications. Again, nothing in this you can do for her.

I'd gently suggest you take some time out. Take time for self care, take time to reconnect with what you want for yourself in life, possibly look into why you have accepted this kind of relationship. Possibly look into why you think that loving a person looks like what you've been through, and why you choose that instead of choosing someone who can love you in a healthy way.

I know this is a hard thing to go through. I'm sorry that you're in this place. I hope you keep reading and posting in this forum.

Indisposed

I think I always held out hope for us when she got sober, we could be happy because the root of all of our problems was the addiction. Bi polar or not, I always gave her the benefit of doubt in thinking that the problem was the addiction but in reality it seems like it's who she is as a person. She has burned every bridge whether it's friendships, past relationships (even though her past relationships were with similar addicts), or family. Her mom and I are left feeling like we enabled her to take advantage of us, and it wasn't until this happened that I believed that. I did always have her best intentions at heart and put myself and my problems 2nd.

I wish I could answer why I was holding on so tight. I think it was the hope of who she could potentially be and I know based on reading similar stories on here, that is something you shouldn't do. You should pay attention more to the now, not the potential of someone.

I gave so much only to be burned in the long run. I know I should be concentrating on myself right now and let her lay in the bed she made.

As much as I want to be vengeful, it's hard for me to be that way because of my big heart and still hoping she realized she messed up the best thing that has happened to her. She's about to turn 30, and I know she's not doing the right thing by moving on to someone who will definitely be a bad influence on her. She's there for the wrong reasons and not doing the right thing by concentrating on herself. It's just really hard to grasp where her mind is at. She even goes as far as saying she didn't want to hurt me and cared about me as a person. If she really did feel that way, none of this wouldn't went down like this. I blamed the addiction for the longest time, and now I realize that I was making excuses for her. Sure she made horrible decisions while using substances, but she had a clear mind in doing this so I know that it's her as a person.

I had high hopes that this would be the help she needed, but now I believe more than ever that she's going to relapse. By the small chance that she does get sober and stay sober, I don't think I will be able to stomach someone else getting the chance to live a sober life with her when I worked so hard for that. I'll forever be vengeful. But I do know that the chances are very slim because two addicts can't fix eachother. Two wrongs don't make a right.

Leftinthedust

Ez,
just know you aren’t alone man. There’s others here juggling the same crazy-town scenario you are. Just lean on some of the great advice that these folks can give you. I wish I’d found this place 4-months ago. My AW had been in rehab 4.5 months now and the longer she’s in there the further she’s gotten from her family and reality. Based off her online activity, I suspect she’s looking for that next high or equivalent of that best drink in the form of a new relationship. I think best thing you can do is try your hardest to detach. It’s what I’m working on, it sucks, it’s not easy, and there are days where the anger and grief win out. But we don’t have a choice but to go on…do we? I don’t know exactly what “taking care of yourself” looks like yet in a complete picture, but I’m trying. I hope you can find a little joy in things you may have liked to do before this woman. Peace to you.

Indisposed

Thank you for reaching out man. Are you still together with your wife, and what makes you think she's looking for the next thing? Sorry you are going through the same thing as well. I was blaming myself at first but at the end of the day I know I did all I could for this girl and put her before myself 99% of the time.

I had fears that when she went into a rehab place, that her insecurities and reliance of others would let her bad decisions take over. When I would bring up my worries, she tried to calm them by telling me that she's there to work for herself. Her response when I bought up other dudes? "She's not looking". I just can't understand how she can be so hurtful to the ones who loved her the most (her family and I). It's incredibly selfish.

SparkleKitty

There's a saying I heard a long time ago that still resonates with me today, "Hurt people hurt people."

As difficult as it seems, do try not to take your ex's actions personally. She is in the throes of something far bigger than herself, than you, than your relationship. The kind of pain that she is in is all-consuming and she is just grabbing on to whatever she can to try to escape it even for a little while--alcohol, you, drugs, other men. None of it is about you and how you treated her. It is entirely about her own pain and her trying to find a way to live with it. She obviously doesn't have the tools to deal with pain in a healthy way. You and her family are collateral damage in her misguided attempts to get right.

That being said, your post raises a lot of concern for me about your own sense of self-worth. You put up with a lot of terrible treatment, my friend. You gave a lot while only getting abuse and neglect in return. That's not what healthy relationships look like. You deserve a better partner than you settled for.

nikegoddess112

"I made the mistake of allowing it to happen"

Perhaps error on what? You've never dealt with this before. Al-Anon is a recovery program for friends and family of alcoholics, as we become "ill" in our thoughts and behaviors, such as thinking we could have done the impossible.
I've received a lot of healing through the 12 Steps of it, similar to AA for the alcoholic.

trailmix

Hi Ez, yes what a horrible, hurtful situation. Addiction by its nature is selfish.

Yes the potential. It is important to pay attention to the person they are today, not some distant time in the future when this hopefully, maybe, all works out. Potential is great, but it is not something that can be judged. You really had no idea who she was, or would be if she put down the bottle.

The cheating, the hiding the lying, while they are all things coming at you they are also things she is doing/living through. That forms part of who she is, now and going forward, that's a big hill to climb. Also, she has never really been "sober" with you as she never stopped drinking for any length of time. It takes a long time to recover, perhaps a year or more for the body to start truly healing (the brain). There is a big difference between "sober" and "in recovery". Recovery from alcoholism can take many years, undoing all the damage that has been done, physically and mentally. She is no where near that.

A further question might be - why are you looking for potential in someone instead of at the person standing in front of you? None of us can change anyone, alcoholic or not, that's just not within our power (and shouldn't be really).

Maybe another thing to look at are your boundaries. Do you have any or are they easily jumped over? Boundaries are for you, not other people, they are not rules for others. So for instance, if you were living with an alcoholic a rule would be - you cannot drink in this house. That's a rule that is entirely dependant on them toeing the line you have drawn. A boundary would be - I will not live in the same house as someone who drinks in the house. That is actually under your control - has nothing to do with the other person per-se - you have your boundary YOU decide how to proceed, you don't need anyone else to buy in.

A few things you mentioned which is why I am asking about boundaries (ie: who is looking out for you?):

- she cheated on you
- realized she was bi polar and manic depressive without getting the help she needed for those two issues
- She was drinking to escape her head and she obviously abused it
- I noticed her trend of being mentally and physically abusive towards when drunk. I've had her bite me on my neck to get away from her, spit in my face, and talk down to me by calling me a piece of ****, loser, and much worse. It was an endless cycle where it would happen
- she crashed multiple cars, got a slap in the wrist dui (was able to drive for work) and lived with her mother.
- We never lived together because I was always afraid of her abusing me
- she got the point where she was going to get kicked out of her mom's house because she couldn't keep a job and she would drink behind our backs every day
- her mom and I tried to get her help but she never wanted to.
- Went to rehab and relapsed 2 days later
- she was stealing money from her mom, drinking, and hiding the beer so her mom wouldn't see it

This is a disaster and a disaster of a relationship, but I see no boundaries. She can behave toward you and around you any way she likes and you are good with it (but not really?) I don't say any of this in anyway to lay blame or make you feel bad, I just hope you will start looking out for yourself, you are just as worthy of care as the next person.

See above. She meant it when she said she didn't know why you stayed with her. It might be cute and flirty if someone said that after they burnt dinner, not cute or flirty when it applies to the list above.

Indisposed

I understand and agree with alot of what you said but it's hard for me to not take it personally. 6 1/2 years of trying to help her, and within 6 weeks she went from telling me she loved me, to uploading another picture of her bandaid replacement guy right now. I'm just having a hard time not being vengeful and reaching out and asking how she could live with herself right now. I won't do that because it won't accomplish anything but this has really messed me up.

I don't know why I put up with it for so long. Maybe I didn't know any better because I've never dealt with someone who had addiction and mental issues as deep as she had. I did believe her when she said I was the best thing that ever happened to her but now I'm starting to second guess everything she told me. She's a very manipulating person, and it seems like she lies about everything. Even things she doesn't need to be. Can't tell you how many times I told her that telling the truth is the way to go because you won't have to remember the lie. I'll just always look back at this and regret not getting a chance to live with the sober version of her and one that was correctly medicated for her mental health issues. I think I'll have to except that I only got this bad version of this person.

Indisposed

Her mom recommended this in the past and this might be something I need to do along with counseling because this really took a toll on me to the point where I've had suicidal thoughts lately.

Indisposed

I do know she meant it when she said she didn't know why I stayed with her. I heard that line 5-10 times throughout our relationship, along with her calling herself a terrible human being multiple times. I do think she really believes that because she does have alot of self hate, but it came off like she was playing victim and wanted sympathy. I look back like I enabled her to lie and treat me like this even though there were times where I stood my ground and told her how hurtful she is to people and needs to take a long look in the mirror.

The longest she went without drinking or using any kind of substance was the month she spent in rehab this July and like I said, she relapsed 2 days later. I think now she might be 6 weeks sober because she went in on September 29th but as far as I knew she might have relapsed already. When she got her phone back, it was 4 days later where she said that she passed her first random test. I don't think the facility tests her everyday and that always scared me because I feel like those type of places should test alcoholics every single day and hold them accountable if they fail.

It makes me feel worthless as a human being knowing that I did everything I could to help her and guide her in the right direction only to be thrown to the curb like a piece of garbage. I do believe she wants to get clean, but she didn't really go into this willingly. It wasn't until it was pushed upon her so strongly by her mom and I and her having no where to go. She never really hit rock bottom.

Everyone around me and her was very aware of how toxic it got between us because of everything I said, but we did have some bright moments that made me feel like it could work if she did get sober. I think that's the hardest part I'm having to come to terms with.

Thank you for your detailed reply.

sage1969

This is a difficult part, understanding that you are an empathetic person, and for whatever reason, most likely something in your formative years and / or your family of origin, caused you to learn some codependent behaviors. A good place to start learning about this is Melody Beattie's codependent no more.

Another concept that was difficult for me to understand was the difference between love and limerence (https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/limerence) -- this is relevant because it seems that codies (wildly waving my hand here) have a tendency to fall for the first person we meet without being somewhat selective about compatibility and red flags. For instance, until I took off my codie sunglasses, I didn't realise it's normal and ok to go on many first dates, and to say thanks but no thanks if I just didn't click. That scarcity mindset means we accept people as potential partners even if we're wildly not right for them or them for us, and also why we love so hard and then can't let go even when it becomes evident that letting go might be best for everyone.

So part of this journey for you might be taking a look at why you choose the people you do for friends and romantic partners, and what are your own behaviors, habits, and inner landscape / illusions you might construct about others.

This part here is tricky. Part of this is the bipolar, and part of it is the alcoholism. With bipolar, they can get very manipulating. Looking back, almost everything my deceased AH said was a lie, and sometimes there wasn't even a reason to lie, I think he just was not capable of being truthful. Not all people with bipolar are, but my qualifier was cruel, self - centered, and wildly out of control.

The alcoholic part, well, my deceased AH and my XABF, both said whatever they needed in order to be able to drink, so there were lies and manipulation then also. As long as the outcome is to be able to drink, they don't really worry about whether it makes sense or is truthful.

As far as regret for not getting to know the sober person, well, that behavior might very well be the cheating person you've been dealing with. I realised I'd never seen my XABF sober until 1 1/2 years in and I'd gone away for a weekend with him. Dry drunk XABF was actually not very nice at all, I'd never seen him speak to me in a mean way before that. If you've never seen her sober til now, it might be that this is what it would be like, she might not be as nice as you'd once thought / hoped. Another thing to consider is that the first year of sobriety and recovery are hard work and most people don't have time for relationships, both because of the work and because they may not feel good and / or be in a good frame of mind all the time, and they can be less than good company.

It's hard to say, but to be honest, again, you can't spend too much time on this trying to find out the whys. Perhaps try to shift your focus, attention, and energy onto yourself and some healthy rest and self - care.

trailmix

As Sage touched on, many believe that the alcoholic puts down the drink and what they will get is a partner like they had in those "bright moments" or before they became an alcoholic or when they first met. Your relationship with your ex has always been with an active alcoholic, even if she did manage a few weeks sober, so there was/is no way to know what she will become or has become now. Those bright moments were with an active alcoholic.

It will be a long road to recovery, if she chooses to take that road.

I think it might be wise to learn as much about alcoholism/addiction as you can (for you, not her). Until you understand it, you will try to make logical sense out of something that is really not logical.

Oh and there is no "rock bottom" as such, people quit at different times for different reasons. She just wasn't ready to quit (may still not be) but she had no choice but to go to rehab.

There is a book that is recommended here more often than any other - Codependent no more by Melody Beattie. It discusses relationships and boundaries, control etc. You might find it helpful to ease your mind about all of this.

You are going to be ok, things will not always look this bleak. As with any relationship break down, it's going to hurt for a while and it's going to take a while for you to heal from it, but you will heal as you go along and it will get easier.

Indisposed

That's the hardest part I'm having coming to terms with is that I truly did believe she wanted to be by herself and work on herself alone during her recovery. It's what counselors, sponsors, and everyone tells you to do. So when she originally told me that, while it wasn't what I was looking forward to doing, I was willing to let her do that and wait for her to finish this journey.

When she tells me one thing and then legitimately 2 days later, deletes me on social media and uploads a picture with another guy in recovery broke my heart. It was probably the toughest punch I've ever took in life and 4 days later I still don't understand. From my research and from what everyone has told me, cheating on spouses is very common in rehab and for a multiple amount of reasons. It's just really disappointing because as said in my original post, this guy isn't good for her for a number of reasons but I guess she will have to find that out herself. Just really disappointing because now I know she's going to relapse again and not take her recovery serious. Part of me is worried she's going to get arrested or kill herself being in such bad company. She had such a good support group in me, her family, and a couple of caring friends. She burned bridges with every one of us.

Indisposed

I do truly believe I will be ok in due time, and I am trying my best to not let my emotions get the best of me. Suffering from depression, anxiety, and alot of self hate my whole life makes it hard to see it now, but many of my friends and even some of you said this might be a blessing in disguise.

I don't believe she is ready to get sober now that she's investing most of her time with another guy now and a terrible human being at that. If she was really concentrating on herself, I think she would have a fighting chance but now I doubt she will.

Even before the whole new guy situation, she was still talking about wanting to smoke weed and do molly because "she's not addicted to those like alcohol". Told her that any kind of substance use should be the last of her worries right now while getting help. Sometimes I felt more like a father figure with her because she is 7 years younger than me and still has alot of growing up to do as you can obviously tell based on my story lol.

I've played out every scenario in my head on what I will do/say when the day comes if she reaches out to me and I'm still conflicted on what I would do. I want to be vengeful now but keep reminding myself it's not worth it because it won't change a thing. I have to be the better person.

trailmix

I just wanted to say. Al Anon, counseling, even grief counseling, whatever group/program you can get in to, I really recommend that you do. Post here often too, as often as you like.

There are also some resources here, I hope you won't hesitate to use them if you need to: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ease-read.html

Indisposed

Thank you for the resources. I don't think I'll get to the point where I commit suicide because I do have a family that depends on me and I could never do that to them. It's just those thoughts race through my head sometimes because it would be an easy out from misery.

Even when I mentioned those thoughts to my ex, she would get mad at me for saying things like that instead of being sympathetic and understanding the things she has done to make me feel that way.

velma929

Standing your ground would have been better accomplished by walking away from someone who treated you badly.

Hold addicts accountable? How- exactly? Lock someone up (who hasn't broken the law?) Take away the playstation or the keys to the car?

There is nothing at all in you posts that even hint she wanted to stop.

I think sometimes we see a situation (sometimes addiction, but other things. too) and perceive ourselves as knights on white horses, who can ride in and save somebody else. It's fine to 'see potential' but in the end, the effort to realize that potential is an inside job.

Someone posted here recently that a qualifier told him/her that the only thing accomplished by discussing drinking was ruining the little bit of peace drinking provided. That's a profoundly sad way to go through life.

Indisposed

Honestly the only thing that made me believe she wanted help was when she would feel guilty coming down from being drunk and her feel sadness. I always knew that it wasn't something she really wanted because when I would try to talk about it the next day when she was sober, it was always "I don't want to talk about it right now".

I think I would feel better about the situation if she was concentrating about herself only, and I could've trusted her words saying that. Since she's guided her attention elsewhere, I just don't see this working out for her. I honestly don't know why I still care at this point. I wish she would've really taken this serious and from the first 4 weeks, I thought she was based on the way she was talking. Then again her word doesn't really mean much so what do I know?

HardLessons

Our addicts can & do end up in jail. MIne did - shes in jail now.

Our addicts like the company of other addicts. MIne did with many others.

The thought of a life without drugs is very boring to our addicts. Mine said it often.

Be glad shes gone. You dodged a major bullet. You could end up in jail with her. Wouldnt be the first time that happened.