Hi Ez, yes what a horrible, hurtful situation. Addiction by its nature is selfish.
I wish I could answer why I was holding on so tight. I think it was the hope of who she could potentially be and I know based on reading similar stories on here, that is something you shouldn't do. You should pay attention more to the now, not the potential of someone.
Yes the potential. It is important to pay attention to the person they are today, not some distant time in the future when this hopefully, maybe, all works out. Potential is great, but it is not something that can be judged. You really had no idea who she was, or would be if she put down the bottle.
The cheating, the hiding the lying, while they are all things coming at you they are also things she is doing/living through. That forms part of who she is, now and going forward, that's a big hill to climb. Also, she has never really been "sober" with you as she never stopped drinking for any length of time. It takes a long time to recover, perhaps a year or more for the body to start truly healing (the brain). There is a big difference between "sober" and "in recovery". Recovery from alcoholism can take many years, undoing all the damage that has been done, physically and mentally. She is no where near that.
A further question might be - why are you looking for potential in someone instead of at the person standing in front of you? None of us can change anyone, alcoholic or not, that's just not within our power (and shouldn't be really).
Maybe another thing to look at are your boundaries. Do you have any or are they easily jumped over? Boundaries are for you, not other people, they are not rules for others. So for instance, if you were living with an alcoholic a rule would be - you cannot drink in this house. That's a rule that is entirely dependant on them toeing the line you have drawn. A boundary would be - I will not live in the same house as someone who drinks in the house. That is actually under your control - has nothing to do with the other person per-se - you have your boundary YOU decide how to proceed, you don't need anyone else to buy in.
A few things you mentioned which is why I am asking about boundaries (ie:
who is looking out for you?):
- she cheated on you
- realized she was bi polar and manic depressive without getting the help she needed for those two issues
- She was drinking to escape her head and she obviously abused it
- I noticed her trend of being mentally and physically abusive towards when drunk. I've had her bite me on my neck to get away from her, spit in my face, and talk down to me by calling me a piece of ****, loser, and much worse. It was an endless cycle where it would happen
- she crashed multiple cars, got a slap in the wrist dui (was able to drive for work) and lived with her mother.
- We never lived together because I was always afraid of her abusing me
- she got the point where she was going to get kicked out of her mom's house because she couldn't keep a job and she would drink behind our backs every day
- her mom and I tried to get her help but she never wanted to.
- Went to rehab and relapsed 2 days later
- she was stealing money from her mom, drinking, and hiding the beer so her mom wouldn't see it
This is a disaster and a disaster of a relationship, but I see no boundaries. She can behave toward you and around you any way she likes and you are good with it (but not really?) I don't say any of this in anyway to lay blame or make you feel bad, I just hope you will start looking out for yourself, you are just as worthy of care as the next person.
she always told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to her and she doesn't know why I stayed with her because she's a terrible human being.
how she could do this to me with no remorse
See above. She meant it when she said she didn't know why you stayed with her. It might be cute and flirty if someone said that after they burnt dinner, not cute or flirty when it applies to the list above.