Originally Posted by sage1969

This is a difficult part, understanding that you are an empathetic person, and for whatever reason, most likely something in your formative years and / or your family of origin, caused you to learn some codependent behaviors. A good place to start learning about this is Melody Beattie's codependent no more.

Another concept that was difficult for me to understand was the difference this is relevant because it seems that codies (wildly waving my hand here) have a tendency to fall for the first person we meet without being somewhat selective about compatibility and red flags. For instance, until I took off my codie sunglasses, I didn't realise it's normal and ok to go on many first dates, and to say thanks but no thanks if I just didn't click. That scarcity mindset means we accept people as potential partners even if we're wildly not right for them or them for us, and also why we love so hard and then can't let go even when it becomes evident that letting go might be best for everyone.

So part of this journey for you might be taking a look at why you choose the people you do for friends and romantic partners, and what are your own behaviors, habits, and inner landscape / illusions you might construct about others.

This part here is tricky. Part of this is the bipolar, and part of it is the alcoholism. With bipolar, they can get very manipulating. Looking back, almost everything my deceased AH said was a lie, and sometimes there wasn't even a reason to lie, I think he just was not capable of being truthful. Not all people with bipolar are, but my qualifier was cruel, self - centered, and wildly out of control.

The alcoholic part, well, my deceased AH and my XABF, both said whatever they needed in order to be able to drink, so there were lies and manipulation then also. As long as the outcome is to be able to drink, they don't really worry about whether it makes sense or is truthful.

As far as regret for not getting to know the sober person, well, that behavior might very well be the cheating person you've been dealing with. I realised I'd never seen my XABF sober until 1 1/2 years in and I'd gone away for a weekend with him. Dry drunk XABF was actually not very nice at all, I'd never seen him speak to me in a mean way before that. If you've never seen her sober til now, it might be that this is what it would be like, she might not be as nice as you'd once thought / hoped. Another thing to consider is that the first year of sobriety and recovery are hard work and most people don't have time for relationships, both because of the work and because they may not feel good and / or be in a good frame of mind all the time, and they can be less than good company.

It's hard to say, but to be honest, again, you can't spend too much time on this trying to find out the whys. Perhaps try to shift your focus, attention, and energy onto yourself and some healthy rest and self - care.