Girlfriend left me for rehab romance
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Originally Posted by Ez0221 
Thank you for reaching out man. Are you still together with your wife, and what makes you think she's looking for the next thing? Sorry you are going through the same thing as well. I was blaming myself at first but at the end of the day I know I did all I could for this girl and put her before myself 99% of the time.
I had fears that when she went into a rehab place, that her insecurities and reliance of others would let her bad decisions take over. When I would bring up my worries, she tried to calm them by telling me that she's there to work for herself. Her response when I bought up other dudes? "She's not looking". I just can't understand how she can be so hurtful to the ones who loved her the most (her family and I). It's incredibly selfish.
I had fears that when she went into a rehab place, that her insecurities and reliance of others would let her bad decisions take over. When I would bring up my worries, she tried to calm them by telling me that she's there to work for herself. Her response when I bought up other dudes? "She's not looking". I just can't understand how she can be so hurtful to the ones who loved her the most (her family and I). It's incredibly selfish.
Legally yes, we are still together. Emotionally she has nothing but spite for me. I’m assuming that’s because I gave her the choice of leaving the house or going to rehab. Since she won’t dialog with me, the only thing I can go off if, is her electronic trail of conversations with other men and our access to her activity online since she’s been in rehab. So no, I don’t have concrete evidence, but I’m having to write my own side of her story, which I need to stop wasting time and energy on. My advice to you and myself…we both learn how to detach and walk away. My complication is 18 years of marriage and a minor child in the middle.
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Originally Posted by Ez0221
I think I would feel better about the situation if she was concentrating about herself only, and I could've trusted her words saying that.
The most important thing in her life is alcohol and drugs, not you, not her Mom, not her job or car or other family, or herself, alcohol. You tried to stand in the way.
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Originally Posted by HardLessons
Our addicts can & do end up in jail. MIne did - shes in jail now.
Our addicts like the company of other addicts. MIne did with many others.
The thought of a life without drugs is very boring to our addicts. Mine said it often.
Be glad shes gone. You dodged a major bullet. You could end up in jail with her. Wouldnt be the first time that happened.
Our addicts like the company of other addicts. MIne did with many others.
The thought of a life without drugs is very boring to our addicts. Mine said it often.
Be glad shes gone. You dodged a major bullet. You could end up in jail with her. Wouldnt be the first time that happened.
As angry as I am, and as vengeful as I want to be, I hope she doesn't end up in jail or hurting herself. Maybe it's stupid to think that way because she clearly doesn't care about my well being right now based on the way she ended it with me.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
A person who is an addict doesn't want to stop (necessarily). When you ask them to, tell them to, suggest they do, you become the enemy. Maybe when you think of it that way it starts to make some sense?
The most important thing in her life is alcohol and drugs, not you, not her Mom, not her job or car or other family, or herself, alcohol. You tried to stand in the way.
The most important thing in her life is alcohol and drugs, not you, not her Mom, not her job or car or other family, or herself, alcohol. You tried to stand in the way.
Sometimes I feel like she pushed me away because she knew she could no longer manipulate me. I've always been the voice of reason in our relationship, and she was the one that lived on the edge and wanted to live reckless. I knew her driving into treatment drunk 6 weeks ago was a red flag. I can't tell you how many times I told her that she would kill herself, or worse kill an innocent person. Her response? "I know. If that's the way I go out, then that's the way I was supposed to go." Completely ignoring any one else getting hurt but herself.
Sometimes I feel like she gravitated towards this other addict in rehab because she feels like they have more in common and they can "fix eachother." When in reality, she can't even fix herself until she puts her rehab as her #1 priority.
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Originally Posted by Ez0221
Sometimes I feel like she pushed me away because she knew she could no longer manipulate me.
You are now the enemy. She can't have both, she knows this. If she had to choose between her Mom and drinking right now, she'd choose drinking. It's not you, which is why people say don't take it personally.
You might be the greatest boyfriend ever, that's irrelevant in this equation.
Alcoholism is progressive. You might find these articles helpful:
"As the addictive process claims more of the addict's self and lifeworld his addiction becomes his primary relationship to the detriment of all others. Strange as it sounds to speak of a bottle of alcohol, a drug, a gambling obsession or any other such compulsive behavior as a love object, this is precisely what goes on in advanced addictive illness. This means that in addiction there is alwaysinfidelity to other love objects such as spouses and other family - for the very existence of addiction signifies an allegiance that is at best divided and at worst -and more commonly- betrayed. For there comes a stage in every serious addiction at which the paramount attachment of the addict is to the addiction itself. Those unfortunates who attempt to preserve a human relationship to individuals in the throes of progressive addiction almost always sense their own secondary "less than" status in relation to the addiction - and despite the addict's passionate and indignant denials of this reality, they are right: the addict does indeed love his addiction more than he loves them".
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
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Ez
It took me a long time to understand that I had zero control over what my addict chose to do. Her choices in life are not for the faint of heart..
Nothing mattered to her she was simply going to do whatever she was going to do. It did not matter to her what she stood to loose from her decisions. Her precious teen daughter was taken from her by CPS (more than once). CPS takes kids away to protect them from out of control & unsafe parents.
Since I walked away back in June 2017 you would not believe all that she has lost. To the best of my knowledge I think by now she has lost everything & has little if anything left. Litlle as in nothing! You would not believe all that she has wrecklessly done. I couldnt not even speak of it on this forum. This is all by her own choice. She made these choices.
Where & how do I find her today - I go online to the county inmate look up tool. Thats where I find her being held on no bail. Arrested twice this year on serious felony charges. After arrest they dont hold anyone in custody unless its serious.
You have no control over what she does or doesnt do. Its just the way it is.
Please understand that none of this is what I wanted for her life. There was a time when she had everything from me.
It took me a long time to understand that I had zero control over what my addict chose to do. Her choices in life are not for the faint of heart..
Nothing mattered to her she was simply going to do whatever she was going to do. It did not matter to her what she stood to loose from her decisions. Her precious teen daughter was taken from her by CPS (more than once). CPS takes kids away to protect them from out of control & unsafe parents.
Since I walked away back in June 2017 you would not believe all that she has lost. To the best of my knowledge I think by now she has lost everything & has little if anything left. Litlle as in nothing! You would not believe all that she has wrecklessly done. I couldnt not even speak of it on this forum. This is all by her own choice. She made these choices.
Where & how do I find her today - I go online to the county inmate look up tool. Thats where I find her being held on no bail. Arrested twice this year on serious felony charges. After arrest they dont hold anyone in custody unless its serious.
You have no control over what she does or doesnt do. Its just the way it is.
Please understand that none of this is what I wanted for her life. There was a time when she had everything from me.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Of course, if she can't maintain the status quo - having her cake (or drink in this case) and eating it too..
You are now the enemy. She can't have both, she knows this. If she had to choose between her Mom and drinking right now, she'd choose drinking. It's not you, which is why people say don't take it personally.
You might be the greatest boyfriend ever, that's irrelevant in this equation.
Alcoholism is progressive. You might find these articles helpful:
"As the addictive process claims more of the addict's self and lifeworld his addiction becomes his primary relationship to the detriment of all others. Strange as it sounds to speak of a bottle of alcohol, a drug, a gambling obsession or any other such compulsive behavior as a love object, this is precisely what goes on in advanced addictive illness. This means that in addiction there is alwaysinfidelity to other love objects such as spouses and other family - for the very existence of addiction signifies an allegiance that is at best divided and at worst -and more commonly- betrayed. For there comes a stage in every serious addiction at which the paramount attachment of the addict is to the addiction itself. Those unfortunates who attempt to preserve a human relationship to individuals in the throes of progressive addiction almost always sense their own secondary "less than" status in relation to the addiction - and despite the addict's passionate and indignant denials of this reality, they are right: the addict does indeed love his addiction more than he loves them".
You are now the enemy. She can't have both, she knows this. If she had to choose between her Mom and drinking right now, she'd choose drinking. It's not you, which is why people say don't take it personally.
You might be the greatest boyfriend ever, that's irrelevant in this equation.
Alcoholism is progressive. You might find these articles helpful:
"As the addictive process claims more of the addict's self and lifeworld his addiction becomes his primary relationship to the detriment of all others. Strange as it sounds to speak of a bottle of alcohol, a drug, a gambling obsession or any other such compulsive behavior as a love object, this is precisely what goes on in advanced addictive illness. This means that in addiction there is alwaysinfidelity to other love objects such as spouses and other family - for the very existence of addiction signifies an allegiance that is at best divided and at worst -and more commonly- betrayed. For there comes a stage in every serious addiction at which the paramount attachment of the addict is to the addiction itself. Those unfortunates who attempt to preserve a human relationship to individuals in the throes of progressive addiction almost always sense their own secondary "less than" status in relation to the addiction - and despite the addict's passionate and indignant denials of this reality, they are right: the addict does indeed love his addiction more than he loves them".
Sometimes I wish her mom wouldn't have let her have a vehicle during rehab. Most of the girls she's at the place with now have had to get jobs to pay rent at the rehab center, and most of them are walking to their jobs or having to save up for a car. Still think my ex has it really easy and doesn't know how lucky she is to not be in jail or have killed someone by now
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Originally Posted by HardLessons
Ez
It took me a long time to understand that I had zero control over what my addict chose to do. Her choices in life are not for the faint of heart..
Nothing mattered to her she was simply going to do whatever she was going to do. It did not matter to her what she stood to loose from her decisions. Her precious teen daughter was taken from her by CPS (more than once). CPS takes kids away to protect them from out of control & unsafe parents.
Since I walked away back in June 2017 you would not believe all that she has lost. To the best of my knowledge I think by now she has lost everything & has little if anything left. Litlle as in nothing! You would not believe all that she has wrecklessly done. I couldnt not even speak of it on this forum. This is all by her own choice. She made these choices.
Where & how do I find her today - I go online to the county inmate look up tool. Thats where I find her being held on no bail. Arrested twice this year on serious felony charges. After arrest they dont hold anyone in custody unless its serious.
You have no control over what she does or doesnt do. Its just the way it is.
Please understand that none of this is what I wanted for her life. There was a time when she had everything from me.
It took me a long time to understand that I had zero control over what my addict chose to do. Her choices in life are not for the faint of heart..
Nothing mattered to her she was simply going to do whatever she was going to do. It did not matter to her what she stood to loose from her decisions. Her precious teen daughter was taken from her by CPS (more than once). CPS takes kids away to protect them from out of control & unsafe parents.
Since I walked away back in June 2017 you would not believe all that she has lost. To the best of my knowledge I think by now she has lost everything & has little if anything left. Litlle as in nothing! You would not believe all that she has wrecklessly done. I couldnt not even speak of it on this forum. This is all by her own choice. She made these choices.
Where & how do I find her today - I go online to the county inmate look up tool. Thats where I find her being held on no bail. Arrested twice this year on serious felony charges. After arrest they dont hold anyone in custody unless its serious.
You have no control over what she does or doesnt do. Its just the way it is.
Please understand that none of this is what I wanted for her life. There was a time when she had everything from me.
I just won't be able to stomach if there is that small chance she does get clean, and moves forward with this guy she cheated on me with. I know the chances are very slim, but at this point she doesn't deserve to be happy for how she has treated people. I really hope that some time in her recovery, she will come to her mom and I and apologize for everything she's put us through and the toll it took on us. I'm not holding my breath that will happen though.
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Ez
From all that youve written so far & based on my own direct experience - shes not in any recovery & I seriously doubt shes clean.
Plain & simple - shes a long term addict doing hat addicts do.
BTW I understand your frustration & anger. I also understand that you love her.
From all that youve written so far & based on my own direct experience - shes not in any recovery & I seriously doubt shes clean.
Plain & simple - shes a long term addict doing hat addicts do.
BTW I understand your frustration & anger. I also understand that you love her.
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Originally Posted by Ez0221
There's a small part of me that wants her to fall on her face, and realize how she ruined me and what could have been with us. I obviously still love her (don't know why) and am hopeful I'm wrong that she won't relapse but based on all my research and what everyone has told me, she's still not putting herself first, treating this like a life or death situation, and will 99% most likely will fail.
I just won't be able to stomach if there is that small chance she does get clean, and moves forward with this guy she cheated on me with. I know the chances are very slim, but at this point she doesn't deserve to be happy for how she has treated people. I really hope that some time in her recovery, she will come to her mom and I and apologize for everything she's put us through and the toll it took on us. I'm not holding my breath that will happen though.
I just won't be able to stomach if there is that small chance she does get clean, and moves forward with this guy she cheated on me with. I know the chances are very slim, but at this point she doesn't deserve to be happy for how she has treated people. I really hope that some time in her recovery, she will come to her mom and I and apologize for everything she's put us through and the toll it took on us. I'm not holding my breath that will happen though.
You may think - oh she will go off with rehab guy and live happily ever after! Ok, let's say she does. Is a person that would betray you, lie and cheat and steal and choose him for a partner - is that the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?
Never think she has changed now, she has been sober (if she is) for an incredibly short period of time, recovery takes a long, long time, she is no where near that and obviously hasn't changed much at this point.
It's normal to dwell when your break up is so new. What is helpful though is to start changing those thought patterns. What you are thinking and how it really is are probably quite different.
Also, if you start taking a little bit of that time and start focusing it back on yourself, you'd be surprised at how much better you will feel. This is about you now and looking after yourself. Imagine if you put even part of the energy you spent on her and spent it looking after yourself. What do you want? What interests you? Have you been pretty isolated because of all this, maybe it's time to reach out to family and friends that you haven't spent that much time with lately? What did you enjoy doing before you met her that you may have put to the side.
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Originally Posted by HardLessons
Ez
From all that youve written so far & based on my own direct experience - shes not in any recovery & I seriously doubt shes clean.
Plain & simple - shes a long term addict doing hat addicts do.
BTW I understand your frustration & anger. I also understand that you love her.
From all that youve written so far & based on my own direct experience - shes not in any recovery & I seriously doubt shes clean.
Plain & simple - shes a long term addict doing hat addicts do.
BTW I understand your frustration & anger. I also understand that you love her.
See I'm having a hard time thinking that she hadn't relapsed yet either but I'm not sure how often this place tests her. All I know is that she doesn't have a bank account, gets paid on a prepaid debit card, and has money at her deposal. Any time in the past when she had money, she never knew how to manage it and would always blow it on alcohol.
Even if she did relapse, it's not like she would tell the truth and tell her mom or I, you know? What scares me is that the guy cheated on me with lives in the same city where they are getting treatment and who's to say she hasn't gotten kicked out and living with this guy already? That's the type of person she is.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
You are applying logic and "normal" relationship things to a relationship that is not "normal".
You may think - oh she will go off with rehab guy and live happily ever after! Ok, let's say she does. Is a person that would betray you, lie and cheat and steal and choose him for a partner - is that the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?
Never think she has changed now, she has been sober (if she is) for an incredibly short period of time, recovery takes a long, long time, she is no where near that and obviously hasn't changed much at this point.
It's normal to dwell when your break up is so new. What is helpful though is to start changing those thought patterns. What you are thinking and how it really is are probably quite different.
Also, if you start taking a little bit of that time and start focusing it back on yourself, you'd be surprised at how much better you will feel. This is about you now and looking after yourself. Imagine if you put even part of the energy you spent on her and spent it looking after yourself. What do you want? What interests you? Have you been pretty isolated because of all this, maybe it's time to reach out to family and friends that you haven't spent that much time with lately? What did you enjoy doing before you met her that you may have put to the side.
You may think - oh she will go off with rehab guy and live happily ever after! Ok, let's say she does. Is a person that would betray you, lie and cheat and steal and choose him for a partner - is that the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?
Never think she has changed now, she has been sober (if she is) for an incredibly short period of time, recovery takes a long, long time, she is no where near that and obviously hasn't changed much at this point.
It's normal to dwell when your break up is so new. What is helpful though is to start changing those thought patterns. What you are thinking and how it really is are probably quite different.
Also, if you start taking a little bit of that time and start focusing it back on yourself, you'd be surprised at how much better you will feel. This is about you now and looking after yourself. Imagine if you put even part of the energy you spent on her and spent it looking after yourself. What do you want? What interests you? Have you been pretty isolated because of all this, maybe it's time to reach out to family and friends that you haven't spent that much time with lately? What did you enjoy doing before you met her that you may have put to the side.
Before her, I was struggling with my mental health and very alone. I'm trying to concentrate on myself but since it's still so fresh and only been a week since I talked to her, I'm having a hard time concentrating on myself and my whole day involves thinking about her. I know it will get better in time.
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Originally Posted by Ez0221
What makes you think she's not in any recovery and isn't clean?
Why it sounds like she's not in recovery and not clean? People in recovery are sober and working a program. From your posts it sounds she is not focusing on recovery but instead on this rehab romance. If she has access to a vehicle to leave rehab, there's no telling what she's doing while she's not at rehab.
==> her focus is not on rehab
==> she's not in recovery
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EZ
Obviously I dont know her & I dont know you.
I gave you my opinion if shes clean or not based on what you have posted & my own experience.
Shes a long term addict & was forced by her mother & you to go to rehab. Well that doesnt work. She didnt choose to go she was forced to go. So she plays along. Addicts know how to play the game. And who does she meet & take up with while in rehab a well to do succesful doctor - nope. She takes up with a long term addict who is in & out of jail frequently. I would bet he was also forced into rehab as part of a cort ordered drug treatment program? Sounds about right to me. She is not in any recovery.
Ive been told by my addict drug dealers hang out close to rehabs & clinics. There is good business to be had from very needy customers. A female street smart addict knows how to get drugs even if they dont have any money. You can fill in those blanks. Even inmates can gets drugs in prison. All sad but true.
Drug addicts are driven by a hard to understand extremely powerful never ending force to get drugs. They are going to get high regardless of the consequences. Their life is totally consumed by this force.
Above is just my opinion. Ive directly experienced all it.
Obviously I dont know her & I dont know you.
I gave you my opinion if shes clean or not based on what you have posted & my own experience.
Shes a long term addict & was forced by her mother & you to go to rehab. Well that doesnt work. She didnt choose to go she was forced to go. So she plays along. Addicts know how to play the game. And who does she meet & take up with while in rehab a well to do succesful doctor - nope. She takes up with a long term addict who is in & out of jail frequently. I would bet he was also forced into rehab as part of a cort ordered drug treatment program? Sounds about right to me. She is not in any recovery.
Ive been told by my addict drug dealers hang out close to rehabs & clinics. There is good business to be had from very needy customers. A female street smart addict knows how to get drugs even if they dont have any money. You can fill in those blanks. Even inmates can gets drugs in prison. All sad but true.
Drug addicts are driven by a hard to understand extremely powerful never ending force to get drugs. They are going to get high regardless of the consequences. Their life is totally consumed by this force.
Above is just my opinion. Ive directly experienced all it.
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Originally Posted by sage1969
There's a bit of a nuance here. Being sober or testing clean means there's no chemical substance in the body at that one snapshot in time. Being in recovery means actively working on recovery from addiction, often through a program like AA or other 12 step, and this is a constant, minute by minute, day to day process. Someone who hasn't had any alcohol at a certain snapshot in time but is still drinking might be referred to as a dry drunk; technically sober but not working an active recovery program.
Why it sounds like she's not in recovery and not clean? People in recovery are sober and working a program. From your posts it sounds she is not focusing on recovery but instead on this rehab romance. If she has access to a vehicle to leave rehab, there's no telling what she's doing while she's not at rehab.
==> her focus is not on rehab
==> she's not in recovery
Why it sounds like she's not in recovery and not clean? People in recovery are sober and working a program. From your posts it sounds she is not focusing on recovery but instead on this rehab romance. If she has access to a vehicle to leave rehab, there's no telling what she's doing while she's not at rehab.
==> her focus is not on rehab
==> she's not in recovery
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Originally Posted by HardLessons
EZ
Obviously I dont know her & I dont know you.
I gave you my opinion if shes clean or not based on what you have posted & my own experience.
Shes a long term addict & was forced by her mother & you to go to rehab. Well that doesnt work. She didnt choose to go she was forced to go. So she plays along. Addicts know how to play the game. And who does she meet & take up with while in rehab a well to do succesful doctor - nope. She takes up with a long term addict who is in & out of jail frequently. I would bet he was also forced into rehab as part of a cort ordered drug treatment program? Sounds about right to me. She is not in any recovery.
Ive been told by my addict drug dealers hang out close to rehabs & clinics. There is good business to be had from very needy customers. A female street smart addict knows how to get drugs even if they dont have any money. You can fill in those blanks. Even inmates can gets drugs in prison. All sad but true.
Drug addicts are driven by a hard to understand extremely powerful never ending force to get drugs. They are going to get high regardless of the consequences. Their life is totally consumed by this force.
Above is just my opinion. Ive directly experienced all it.
Obviously I dont know her & I dont know you.
I gave you my opinion if shes clean or not based on what you have posted & my own experience.
Shes a long term addict & was forced by her mother & you to go to rehab. Well that doesnt work. She didnt choose to go she was forced to go. So she plays along. Addicts know how to play the game. And who does she meet & take up with while in rehab a well to do succesful doctor - nope. She takes up with a long term addict who is in & out of jail frequently. I would bet he was also forced into rehab as part of a cort ordered drug treatment program? Sounds about right to me. She is not in any recovery.
Ive been told by my addict drug dealers hang out close to rehabs & clinics. There is good business to be had from very needy customers. A female street smart addict knows how to get drugs even if they dont have any money. You can fill in those blanks. Even inmates can gets drugs in prison. All sad but true.
Drug addicts are driven by a hard to understand extremely powerful never ending force to get drugs. They are going to get high regardless of the consequences. Their life is totally consumed by this force.
Above is just my opinion. Ive directly experienced all it.
As mad as I am, I hope she doesn't end up in jail or dead. It would ruin me for life knowing I could've save her. I know I can't save her though, she can only save herself. I'm slowly coming to terms with that.
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Originally Posted by sage1969
This is a difficult part, understanding that you are an empathetic person, and for whatever reason, most likely something in your formative years and / or your family of origin, caused you to learn some codependent behaviors. A good place to start learning about this is Melody Beattie's codependent no more.
Another concept that was difficult for me to understand was the difference between love and limerence (https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/limerence) -- this is relevant because it seems that codies (wildly waving my hand here) have a tendency to fall for the first person we meet without being somewhat selective about compatibility and red flags. For instance, until I took off my codie sunglasses, I didn't realise it's normal and ok to go on many first dates, and to say thanks but no thanks if I just didn't click. That scarcity mindset means we accept people as potential partners even if we're wildly not right for them or them for us, and also why we love so hard and then can't let go even when it becomes evident that letting go might be best for everyone.
So part of this journey for you might be taking a look at why you choose the people you do for friends and romantic partners, and what are your own behaviors, habits, and inner landscape / illusions you might construct about others.
Another concept that was difficult for me to understand was the difference between love and limerence (https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/limerence) -- this is relevant because it seems that codies (wildly waving my hand here) have a tendency to fall for the first person we meet without being somewhat selective about compatibility and red flags. For instance, until I took off my codie sunglasses, I didn't realise it's normal and ok to go on many first dates, and to say thanks but no thanks if I just didn't click. That scarcity mindset means we accept people as potential partners even if we're wildly not right for them or them for us, and also why we love so hard and then can't let go even when it becomes evident that letting go might be best for everyone.
So part of this journey for you might be taking a look at why you choose the people you do for friends and romantic partners, and what are your own behaviors, habits, and inner landscape / illusions you might construct about others.
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I'm very sorry for your situation. I'm a codependent man and see similar patterns in you that I have - a powerful need to rescue, inability to set and enforce boundaries for self-respect and to meet my own needs, and difficulty detaching when the relationship is no longer healthy. As a codependent personality and ACOA, I also jump into relationships without much selection process, as Sage mentions above. I tend to fall for the first person who's available at the time and project more on them than they are, and that I can make things better.
I have struggled with those patterns most of my life until I finally learned about codependency and began to work on it. You are also carrying a lot of resentment and anger, which is to be expected, but which will eat you alive. I strongly suggest you turn your focus back to yourself, read the book that was suggested (as a starting point) and begin your own recovery. You have to let go of her completely. Any checking of social media, friends/relatives or other sources just holds us in our own dysfunctional pattern.
I have struggled with those patterns most of my life until I finally learned about codependency and began to work on it. You are also carrying a lot of resentment and anger, which is to be expected, but which will eat you alive. I strongly suggest you turn your focus back to yourself, read the book that was suggested (as a starting point) and begin your own recovery. You have to let go of her completely. Any checking of social media, friends/relatives or other sources just holds us in our own dysfunctional pattern.
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Originally Posted by Ez0221
As mad as I am, I hope she doesn't end up in jail or dead. It would ruin me for life knowing I could've save her. I know I can't save her though, she can only save herself. I'm slowly coming to terms with that.
It's kind of hard to imagine the driving force of addiction. Telling an alcoholic to stop drinking is akin to saying stop eating or stop drinking water. Have you ever been really hungry or thirsty? I mean the kind of thirst where you burst in to your house and drink from the tap lol - what if someone was standing there and said - umm no Ez, you really need to stop drinking so much water. How long before you throw them to the side and grab that tap? As an aside, do you care whether that jerk hit their head on the floor after you threw them aside?
That's a simple analogy. You see food and water as being part of your survival, if you stop eating and drinking your brain is going to be screaming at you. Well, the addicted brain becomes accustomed to alcohol too, it screams for alcohol as well, that kind of drive is hard to stop. It can be overcome but the person needs to be doing whatever it takes to get past that craving.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Yes, you did as much as you could do and probably some things you shouldn't have bothered doing, don't ever doubt that.
It's kind of hard to imagine the driving force of addiction. Telling an alcoholic to stop drinking is akin to saying stop eating or stop drinking water. Have you ever been really hungry or thirsty? I mean the kind of thirst where you burst in to your house and drink from the tap lol - what if someone was standing there and said - umm no Ez, you really need to stop drinking so much water. How long before you throw them to the side and grab that tap? As an aside, do you care whether that jerk hit their head on the floor after you threw them aside?
That's a simple analogy. You see food and water as being part of your survival, if you stop eating and drinking your brain is going to be screaming at you. Well, the addicted brain becomes accustomed to alcohol too, it screams for alcohol as well, that kind of drive is hard to stop. It can be overcome but the person needs to be doing whatever it takes to get past that craving.
It's kind of hard to imagine the driving force of addiction. Telling an alcoholic to stop drinking is akin to saying stop eating or stop drinking water. Have you ever been really hungry or thirsty? I mean the kind of thirst where you burst in to your house and drink from the tap lol - what if someone was standing there and said - umm no Ez, you really need to stop drinking so much water. How long before you throw them to the side and grab that tap? As an aside, do you care whether that jerk hit their head on the floor after you threw them aside?
That's a simple analogy. You see food and water as being part of your survival, if you stop eating and drinking your brain is going to be screaming at you. Well, the addicted brain becomes accustomed to alcohol too, it screams for alcohol as well, that kind of drive is hard to stop. It can be overcome but the person needs to be doing whatever it takes to get past that craving.
I was probably as supportive as I could've been, and stayed way longer than most would have in the same situation. I blamed myself for enabling her, and still do to a point. I was in an unfamiliar situation dealing with an addict and really did try my best to be supportive, understanding, and forgiving.
In the end, I got burned. I guess all I can do now is hope one day if she gets sober and a clear mind, she will apologize to her mom and I for putting us through so much and the hurt she caused. From what I read with recovery and sponsorships, that is one of the steps they take. I'm not holding out hope that day will come, but I'd be lying if I said it wouldn't mean alot to me. Regardless of my bitterness to her about how she hurt me numerous times, I still for some reason care about her and her well being. I find myself still worrying about her even though everyone tells me to worry about myself. I just think it's my personality and the type of person I am. I have always put others before me, and it gives me a purpose in life to have people make me feel like I'm important to them. I think it has to do with self hate and having no confidence.
In short - as much as I'm trying to get mad and move on, I'm still broken and think it's going to take a long while to get over her.
I just hope I have the strength that if the day comes where she comes back begging for forgiveness and wants me back, I'll know my worth better. From the outside looking in, I never realized how hard it was being in love with an addict. I thought it would be so easy to get mad and write them out of your life.
I'm just very thankful to have found this forum, and for each of you who has given me perspective. You guys weren't lying when you said outsiders really have no idea the hurt this causes us.
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