least

I've often read on here that "when someone shows you who they truly are, believe them."

I understand you still loving her. I still loved my abuser while in a horrible relationship. But in my opinion, you deserve much better than you'll ever get with this girl. You can't rescue her. She's an adult and makes her own choices. I'd step back and move on, instead of waiting for an apology.

Move on and find a good life for yourself. As my dad used to say - when you're alone, at least you know you're in good company. There are worse things than being alone. Being in a bad relationship is way worse. Cut your losses and distance yourself. Be good to yourself.

You deserve better.

trailmix

Sounds like the same thing to me. Quit drinking OR - they are both ultimatums. Not saying anyone was wrong for making those - her Mom or you.

Doesn't matter anyway, doesn't matter if it was an ultimatum, a form of control, from love or hate - you are still the enemy.

Indisposed

Yeah, I'm not holding my breath for an apology and never know if it will happen. I'm trying to take this one day at a time but struggling very haes. Went to a movie tonight by myself thinking it would help, and it did the exact opposite. I don't think I've ever felt so alone.

Thank you for the kind words, I will try to take them to heart.

Indisposed

I legitimately just said this to my friend - I still think part of her has resentment towards me for pushing her towards treatment. She has said that she has no one has to blame but herself for being in this situation though, so I'm not sure.

I know, in her mind, everyone is the enemy. Maybe one day she realize how much she put us through, and how much effort and patience we had with her.

trailmix

Knowing it's her "fault" for being in rehab (and all the other situations she has found herself in) and you and her Mom standing between her and her drug of choice are two different things.

She might one day realize the hell she has put you through, or not, she may have moments of clarity when she is aware, but they fade as the alcoholism progresses.

You might find this image interesting. https://hccegalitarian.com/2403/show...alcohol-abuse/

Indisposed

Thanks for that article. I spent so much time blaming myself for enabling her, even though deep down, I know I let myself be manipulated. I hate that I still care so much, no matter how fresh the wound is.

Kokoro

I read your whole story. Whew, 6.5 years is a lot to take on board. I agree with what most people have written here in that reading up on codependency is a must. I struggled with this concept initially, after all when you are in love you should try to do what you can for your loved ones. But, in a romantic relationship, there has to be give and take. Unconditional love is not really a thing, nor should it be.

Something which I keep seeing in your posts is how fixated you are on your exGF monkey branching to another man, a man who you feel is lesser than yourself (and probably is). The question I put to you is this; why does it matter? She is no longer part of your life. She has full agency to make horrible mistakes in her life. Are you her keeper?

I struggled with this initially with my ex when he monkey branched. They may not be together but even if they did, it really does not have a bearing on my life going forward. You can only control what you can control after all. If he ends up sober with this other lady, it stings but that is how life goes and ultimately, I actually do want him to be sober. I don't think he will but I don't wish him any ill. The fact was he was never going to stay sober with me. All I can do is learn from this and I have really learnt what I seek for in a partner in the future.

Indisposed

Yeah, I do realize that we were co-dependent on eachother, and I'll be honest I didn't know any better. I think with us both having mental health issues, I felt we both needed to rely on eachother but I can see how it wasn't a great thing now. Her addiction and insecurities were always put above mine, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't make me feel like I had a purpose by being the voice of reason for her. She did help me feel better about myself, aside from the mental and physical abuse I got when she was drinking or when she was craving. We very rarely fought when the addiction wasn't taking over.

I don't know why I'm so fixated on leaving me for another guy. I think it was the way she went about it, and knowing he's not good for her.

I do know that it's out of my control, and something that I shouldn't be so concentrated on even though it's hard not to be. I'm just having a really difficult time knowing someone is in my place right now and she has no remorse on what she did to me. She has to know how badly this is messing me up, and I figure she cared about my feelings more. It's just a harsh reality and one that is damaging me really hardcore right now. I know based on reading and from all the comments here that addicts put their fix and their feelings before anyone else though. I just thought I knew her better, and as stupid as it is, I believed her when she said she wanted to concentrate on herself. I think I always gave her too much credit.

sage1969

Addiction, alcohol, and codependency issues aside, it is devastating and excruciating when someone we love decides to leave the relationship. Their reasons may not make sense to us, if they even give us reasons at all. In the end, we have no choice but to let them leave -- holding on, to them or the memories or the what might have beens, none of that will bring them back. A relationship takes more than one person.

I know it is no comfort that it is healthier for you in the end that this relationship ended.

It is ok to to grieve loss. It's ok to take time to heal. It's ok to move past it without understanding it.

Indisposed

I just hate myself that I still care and think about her. I really don't know what to do if the moment comes that I get a phone call or text for her. Half my brain says to ignore it/leave her on read and the other would want to hear her explain herself. It's such a double edge sword.

Everyone tells me to move on and concentrate on myself, but this happened so fast and I have so many things left unanswered. I know closure doesn't always happen though so I have to take a step back and quit playing the what if game.

SparkleKitty

Sometimes it is easier, or more comfortable, to focus on the things we cannot control instead of the one thing we can: ourselves.

Recognizing that you were drawn to being the "voice of reason" (however much of an illusion that turned out to be) is a good thing to know about yourself, and can be the seed for exploring what it is about you that made this very unhealthy person so attractive, and someone to stick with despite her lack of respect for you or your relationship.

Indisposed

I would've never tried so hard to get her help and sober if I knew I would get burned in the long run. I can't help but feel used. I've always had a problem of putting others first, but really thought she was with it. It's a hard reality I have to face, and I hope I stop caring so much because clearly she doesn't care about my well being. Addiction or not, it's a personality trait of hers and I really thought I knew the real her, good and bad.

SparkleKitty

I guess what I'm getting at, is that you were getting burned all along, based on the relationship you describe in your first post. You got used, yes. But after the first time this was clear, you stayed. And stayed and stayed. When you focus on what she did, you're not asking yourself how you responded, and why. The things you are feeling right now aren't about her. They are about you, and why you stayed.

Indisposed

You're right because I had fears this would happen going in based on her history and my lack of trust in her. The problem is that I again let her convince me that it was in my head. I should've listened to my gut, but love really is blind sometimes.

Bute

Hi Ez,
i can't share from the perspective of having an addict partner, as it is my son who is addicted, but I agree with HL.
it seems, from what you have shared, that she has been abusive and not nice at all to you, from the get go. Love shouldn't be that way. Biting you, spitting in your face, and I'm sure many other behaviours, is a vile way to behave.
Make yourself a priority Ez. The love you gave to her, give that to yourself. Give time, time! You're absolutely right, it's fresh, and difficult to process, but you will get there. No contact, may be the best option. Don't leave yourself open to her nasty behaviour. She will only attempt to manipulate you, and use you as an "option" - you are NOT an option!
Although you are hurting at the moment, I have to agree, you definitely dodged a bullet. A big cannon ball infact.
Much Love
Bute x

Indisposed

Thank you for your reply. In our 6 1/2 years of dating, we went on a break for like 3 weeks and eventually found our ways back to eachother and agreed we to make up. I think that was the longest I went without talking to her.

It has now been exactly a week since we last talked and it is probably the hardest week I've ever endured in my life. I think it's harder this time knowing we are about 2 hours away from eachother, her situation of getting help, and the other guy involved. I just keep telling myself to have strength and do this one day at a time. Every time I try to think ahead or the past, I get too emotional and it tears me down.

trailmix

Yes and it's normal to grieve and feel at loose ends and all of that. Even in a bad relationship, when it ends, it does leave a big gaping hole. Where you might have talked or gone out or shared something with them. It takes time to fill your life up with other things. That's why it's so important to look after yourself right now (well always but especially now). If you find yourself feeling particularly bad, a good reminder to check yourself is HALT - are you Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired? Fix any and all of these right away, that's key.

It can be quite easy to slip in to codependent behaviour, especially where there is addiction involved. The addiction and therefore the person can become this tornado of attention - everything revolves around it.

You met her when she was 22, she is 28-29 now, I don't know how long she had been drinking before you met but she is well in to her addiction.

I hope you will work on this. It's so important! While this is a spectacular trait for everyone around you, it is not spectacular for you. It's not selfish to look out for yourself. Sure we might go to a movie with our sibling, even though we don't want to, that's just something nice you do for someone sometimes, but if you are doing things like that regularly, that's a problem. That's a small example but it should apply to everything.

No doubt you do, but you can't subtract addiction from the equation, ever. It's part of her, a big, big part of her. It affects every single thing she does. You can't separate the addiction from the person.

Indisposed

She has battled addiction her whole adult life, from high school forward. Her month in treatment this past July was the longest she ever went without having any kind of substance use. She's about to turn 30 in late December and she's still stuck in the "you only live once" mentality and doesn't think of the repercussions of her actions about almost everything. I was always the voice of reason in our relationship and she hated that.

I blamed the addiction for so long, along with her panic depression and her being bi polar. I always thought that was the root of all evil when she had anger or all her other bad traits. It's just now, while I do still blame those for the majority of things she's done, I have to realize that this is the person she is. She only cares about herself, and her actions back that up. It's going to get to a point where she has no one left in her support group and I worry one day I will found out she tried killing herself.

Again I don't know why I'm so worried about her well being, when I should be more worried about myself right now.

advbike

It's just the way we're wired my friend. We love, we care, we worry. We just need to to do the same for ourselves.

trailmix

Because you just spent the last 6 1/2 years doing that, probably most days? It's a habit now, I mean you are also probably a compassionate person, none of us like to see someone doing that, but for you that is part of your thinking.

It will take time to unlearn that, to develop other thought patterns. When you find yourself ruminating about her, do something, stand up - go walk around, turn on some music, stream a documentary, read. Every time your mind goes there, drag it back to whatever you are doing.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't feel your feelings either. You are sad and hurt, that's normal, you will go through that, but with dwelling, it's not a bad thing to drag yourself away from that. Some people like to write a list of all the terrible things the alcoholic did to them - short and sweet. She always broke plans, she spit in my face, she called me ..... more than once, you get the idea, something you can refer to whenever you start thinking about the "good times". Seems like that would be a kind of negative thing to do but it can be very freeing.

Some people nominate a time to dwell every day - like I will think about this between 6 and 7 in the evening - go full on, cry, yell, tear up old mementoes - whatever you like, at 7:00 put that away and on to other things.

Try not to isolate too much. Go out a bit, even if you don't feel like it, visit people, take a drive, go to a movie - whatever you like. You might not feel great and you might not be much fun right now, but that's ok, people will understand. That way a week from now instead of thinking, it's been two weeks since we talked, you might be thinking, that movie was so good last week, think I'll stream the version from 1982, or you might be asked to go somewhere.