Wife worse after rehab for alcoholism
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
One thing you said resonated with me, and I hear it on this forum, and everywhere, over and over. She is blaming relapse on mental illness. That is something that happens over and over keeping loved ones feeling like they are locked down with this person. What came first, the chicken or the egg?? Mental illness or addiction?
Eventually you realize that only actions matter, and what came first does not matter.
I am glad you are not letting that anger overtake your life, it's quite easy to let that happen.
I send you and your children my thoughts and prayers.
Eventually you realize that only actions matter, and what came first does not matter.
I am glad you are not letting that anger overtake your life, it's quite easy to let that happen.
I send you and your children my thoughts and prayers.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 246
Originally Posted by Beachn 
Sucks to do so many things right and still screw up. What a cruel joke.
Three years ago, when my soon to be ex eventually confessed he went to massage parlors 5x in a drunkened state, I was devastated. Understandably so. To say I didn't have the skills to handle it, the deceptiveness and other stuff that followed is an understatement. I lost myself in it all and a lot of his actions made no sense to me especially given the man I thought him to be. Basically, I went down the rabbit hole with him and looking back I see I didn't have the resources within or the knowledge. I wished I had a better understanding on many matters and trusted myself, but I didn't and I take responsibility for it.
It's a journey and we're human and we're going to make mistakes. I think we wish we wouldn't make mistakes, but we do. You're trying your best under challenging circumstances and thankfully you found SR. There's a wealth of knowledgeable individuals on this site and you'll make it through. Remember to take care of you.
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Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: undecided
Posts: 59
Hi Beachn,
I am very sorry for what you are going through. Your pain and stress feels unbearable. I really hope you find a way to some peace, somehow. And as the previous poster said, go easy on yourself.
The staff messed with her head in there. Startling her dozens of times by walking up to her and yelling her name when she was by herself doing something like a puzzle or laundry. One male staff member snuck up behind her and wrapped his arms around her in a bear hug causing her to have panic attack. This is abuse and it seems deliberate. I have been wondering about this bit. Did you actually see the staff behaving like this, or is it her version? EVEN if the place is a scam, it seems like very odd behaviour. One thing to keep in mind is that there are many different mental illnesses or episodes in which one's perception of reality is distorted. I can attest first-hand to this. I have myself had two experiences of paranoid psychosis where all kinds of perfectly normal behaviour was perceived/experienced by me as sinister, threatening, malicious. Mine were not alcohol related, but I have seen my AW having episodes of alcohol-induced psychosis with distorted, hallucinatory thinking. I seem to have read that alcohol withdrawal can also involve such symptoms with some people.
I am not trying to diagnose your wife, I am only saying that when it comes to mental illness, things are not always what they seem.
I promise you these were screwed up folks, some of the worst I have ever encountered in my life. Just plain ruined by life and addiction. She befriended a hooker. A damn hooker.
Perhaps part of going easy on yourself is going easy on others. Addicts, hookers, 'screwed up folk', everyone is entitled to respect, compassion, friendship.
I am very sorry for what you are going through. Your pain and stress feels unbearable. I really hope you find a way to some peace, somehow. And as the previous poster said, go easy on yourself.
Originally Posted by Beachn
The staff messed with her head in there. Startling her dozens of times by walking up to her and yelling her name when she was by herself doing something like a puzzle or laundry. One male staff member snuck up behind her and wrapped his arms around her in a bear hug causing her to have panic attack. This is abuse and it seems deliberate.
I am not trying to diagnose your wife, I am only saying that when it comes to mental illness, things are not always what they seem.
Originally Posted by Beachn
I promise you these were screwed up folks, some of the worst I have ever encountered in my life. Just plain ruined by life and addiction. She befriended a hooker. A damn hooker.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 170
Originally Posted by rescuer
Hi Beachn,
I am very sorry for what you are going through. Your pain and stress feels unbearable. I really hope you find a way to some peace, somehow. And as the previous poster said, go easy on yourself.
I have been wondering about this bit. Did you actually see the staff behaving like this, or is it her version? EVEN if the place is a scam, it seems like very odd behaviour. One thing to keep in mind is that there are many different mental illnesses or episodes in which one's perception of reality is distorted. I can attest first-hand to this. I have myself had two experiences of paranoid psychosis where all kinds of perfectly normal behaviour was perceived/experienced by me as sinister, threatening, malicious. Mine were not alcohol related, but I have seen my AW having episodes of alcohol-induced psychosis with distorted, hallucinatory thinking. I seem to have read that alcohol withdrawal can also involve such symptoms with some people.
I am not trying to diagnose your wife, I am only saying that when it comes to mental illness, things are not always what they seem.
Perhaps part of going easy on yourself is going easy on others. Addicts, hookers, 'screwed up folk', everyone is entitled to respect, compassion, friendship.
I am very sorry for what you are going through. Your pain and stress feels unbearable. I really hope you find a way to some peace, somehow. And as the previous poster said, go easy on yourself.
I have been wondering about this bit. Did you actually see the staff behaving like this, or is it her version? EVEN if the place is a scam, it seems like very odd behaviour. One thing to keep in mind is that there are many different mental illnesses or episodes in which one's perception of reality is distorted. I can attest first-hand to this. I have myself had two experiences of paranoid psychosis where all kinds of perfectly normal behaviour was perceived/experienced by me as sinister, threatening, malicious. Mine were not alcohol related, but I have seen my AW having episodes of alcohol-induced psychosis with distorted, hallucinatory thinking. I seem to have read that alcohol withdrawal can also involve such symptoms with some people.
I am not trying to diagnose your wife, I am only saying that when it comes to mental illness, things are not always what they seem.
Perhaps part of going easy on yourself is going easy on others. Addicts, hookers, 'screwed up folk', everyone is entitled to respect, compassion, friendship.
She swears these things happened, but not being there I have no way of knowing. I’ve been lied to so frequently about just about everything I don’t know what to believe anymore. I know this though: She wasn’t like this before that rehab, something went horribly wrong.
Labeling people isn’t fair, I wouldn’t want to be judged so harshly.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 170
Originally Posted by hopeful4
One thing you said resonated with me, and I hear it on this forum, and everywhere, over and over. She is blaming relapse on mental illness. That is something that happens over and over keeping loved ones feeling like they are locked down with this person. What came first, the chicken or the egg?? Mental illness or addiction?
Eventually you realize that only actions matter, and what came first does not matter.
I am glad you are not letting that anger overtake your life, it's quite easy to let that happen.
I send you and your children my thoughts and prayers.
Eventually you realize that only actions matter, and what came first does not matter.
I am glad you are not letting that anger overtake your life, it's quite easy to let that happen.
I send you and your children my thoughts and prayers.
Originally Posted by HoldOnLoosely
Go easy on yourself. Alcoholism is baffling and mind boggling. Many of us look back and see there were other ways to handle it, but it takes knowledge and skills. Skills we usually don't have at the moment and so we try to the best of our ability to work through everything with the limited resources we do have. Inevitably, we eventually see we're ill equipped and then land on Sober Recovery, in Al-Anon or individual therapy.
Three years ago, when my soon to be ex eventually confessed he went to massage parlors 5x in a drunkened state, I was devastated. Understandably so. To say I didn't have the skills to handle it, the deceptiveness and other stuff that followed is an understatement. I lost myself in it all and a lot of his actions made no sense to me especially given the man I thought him to be. Basically, I went down the rabbit hole with him and looking back I see I didn't have the resources within or the knowledge. I wished I had a better understanding on many matters and trusted myself, but I didn't and I take responsibility for it.
It's a journey and we're human and we're going to make mistakes. I think we wish we wouldn't make mistakes, but we do. You're trying your best under challenging circumstances and thankfully you found SR. There's a wealth of knowledgeable individuals on this site and you'll make it through. Remember to take care of you.
Three years ago, when my soon to be ex eventually confessed he went to massage parlors 5x in a drunkened state, I was devastated. Understandably so. To say I didn't have the skills to handle it, the deceptiveness and other stuff that followed is an understatement. I lost myself in it all and a lot of his actions made no sense to me especially given the man I thought him to be. Basically, I went down the rabbit hole with him and looking back I see I didn't have the resources within or the knowledge. I wished I had a better understanding on many matters and trusted myself, but I didn't and I take responsibility for it.
It's a journey and we're human and we're going to make mistakes. I think we wish we wouldn't make mistakes, but we do. You're trying your best under challenging circumstances and thankfully you found SR. There's a wealth of knowledgeable individuals on this site and you'll make it through. Remember to take care of you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 170
Hi,
I want to thank everyone for the opportunity to post and rant and rave about my experience with the insanity that is addiction. Your replies have been extremely helpful, even though it took months to read some, and repetition to get many.
So much has happened in the last year, especially the last 5 months. Its been what the hell is going on insane. An hour seems like a day, a day a month and it would be impossible to recount everything. A Ground Hog day from hell experience.
I’ve had to deal with it on my own, completely and looking back I have absolutely no idea how I’ve made it this far. I guess it takes more than that to kill the Beachn!
Not only have I had to deal with her, through rehabs, counselors, psyches, therapists, she actively manipulated everyone, and I mean everyone, into hating and blaming me for HER addiction. I still haven’t fully wrapped my head around it. Were they Oscar winning performances, or do people just see and hear what they want? Someone told me once that people refuse to believe a pretty woman could be this screwed up, or evil or malicious, and if she is they believe it’s someone else’s fault. Seems he nailed it.
Anyway, last week everything changed. For me and for her for a very long time. I reported her drinking to her probation officer. All I did was leave a message with my name and number and he did the rest. Called her in and she blew a .32 at 11 in the morning. She spent the next 3 days in jail and now must wear an alcohol monitoring device around her ankle.
I conferred with her family before reporting her to let them know what I was doing and they agreed with my decision. When my wife found out what I had done she called her mother who told her this was me showing my true colors and should be the final nail in the coffin of my marriage. I heard her say it. WTF!?
Her mother encouraged me to make the call. Imagine that happening in the midsts of all this crazy? Trying to save her daughter from herself by holding her accountable and she betrayed me, and her daughter actually, for what purpose I don’t know and don’t care. There is no coming back from that with me. Not ever. F her.
When I contacted her therapist and told her what happened in court she said in almost 50 years in mental health she had met few that were as convincing and manipulative as my wife. She was lying about everything, including drinking. Let alone 11 am .32 drinking. Her psych Dr. didn’t return my message. Figures, he sucks.
I feel like I’m surrounded by sociopaths, addicts and fools. And I may be the biggest fool of all. Time for serious change. What the hell is wrong with me that this has become my life? Codependency doesn’t feel strong enough a word.
With that said, her time incarcerated seems to have snapped her out of it. Sobbing, apologies, promises, regret. Surrendering. What is suppose to happen according to the “experts” is happening. However, words and tears mean nothing. Actions do.
I and my children are my responsibility. She has a long road ahead of her, as do I figuring out how to change myself and my life to match my values and morals. There will be no compromising them again, ever.
Beachn
I want to thank everyone for the opportunity to post and rant and rave about my experience with the insanity that is addiction. Your replies have been extremely helpful, even though it took months to read some, and repetition to get many.
So much has happened in the last year, especially the last 5 months. Its been what the hell is going on insane. An hour seems like a day, a day a month and it would be impossible to recount everything. A Ground Hog day from hell experience.
I’ve had to deal with it on my own, completely and looking back I have absolutely no idea how I’ve made it this far. I guess it takes more than that to kill the Beachn!
Not only have I had to deal with her, through rehabs, counselors, psyches, therapists, she actively manipulated everyone, and I mean everyone, into hating and blaming me for HER addiction. I still haven’t fully wrapped my head around it. Were they Oscar winning performances, or do people just see and hear what they want? Someone told me once that people refuse to believe a pretty woman could be this screwed up, or evil or malicious, and if she is they believe it’s someone else’s fault. Seems he nailed it.
Anyway, last week everything changed. For me and for her for a very long time. I reported her drinking to her probation officer. All I did was leave a message with my name and number and he did the rest. Called her in and she blew a .32 at 11 in the morning. She spent the next 3 days in jail and now must wear an alcohol monitoring device around her ankle.
I conferred with her family before reporting her to let them know what I was doing and they agreed with my decision. When my wife found out what I had done she called her mother who told her this was me showing my true colors and should be the final nail in the coffin of my marriage. I heard her say it. WTF!?
Her mother encouraged me to make the call. Imagine that happening in the midsts of all this crazy? Trying to save her daughter from herself by holding her accountable and she betrayed me, and her daughter actually, for what purpose I don’t know and don’t care. There is no coming back from that with me. Not ever. F her.
When I contacted her therapist and told her what happened in court she said in almost 50 years in mental health she had met few that were as convincing and manipulative as my wife. She was lying about everything, including drinking. Let alone 11 am .32 drinking. Her psych Dr. didn’t return my message. Figures, he sucks.
I feel like I’m surrounded by sociopaths, addicts and fools. And I may be the biggest fool of all. Time for serious change. What the hell is wrong with me that this has become my life? Codependency doesn’t feel strong enough a word.
With that said, her time incarcerated seems to have snapped her out of it. Sobbing, apologies, promises, regret. Surrendering. What is suppose to happen according to the “experts” is happening. However, words and tears mean nothing. Actions do.
I and my children are my responsibility. She has a long road ahead of her, as do I figuring out how to change myself and my life to match my values and morals. There will be no compromising them again, ever.
Beachn
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,019
Ah Beachn, I'm speechless. It just keeps going for you. This situation has so many layers. You do sound like you have a way decent learning curve. It is not fun but you are figuring it out.
You have probably heard, "More will be revealed." And it really has been that way for you in this last week specially about your mother-in-law. She does give me pause but sounds like you are turning your focus to yourself and your kids. Way way good for you. This is exactly what you need to do.
Also so glad to hear that at least two professionals got it: the therapist and the probation officer. Although pretty scary to hear that your wife is so successfully manipulative.
Yeah you might be a fool but the biggest? On this forum there is quite a bit of competition for that prize!!! I include myself in that group.
You have probably heard, "More will be revealed." And it really has been that way for you in this last week specially about your mother-in-law. She does give me pause but sounds like you are turning your focus to yourself and your kids. Way way good for you. This is exactly what you need to do.
Also so glad to hear that at least two professionals got it: the therapist and the probation officer. Although pretty scary to hear that your wife is so successfully manipulative.
Yeah you might be a fool but the biggest? On this forum there is quite a bit of competition for that prize!!! I include myself in that group.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
You can't fool everybody all the time - and it sounds like your wife is encountering people who are not fooled. I think most competent professionals in corrections or the "helping fields" have dealt with "clients" who are manipulative and attention-seeking - there are patterns and these people become predictable over time. It's just a matter of finding the competent professionals (as opposed to the ones who aren't).
I am a bit concerned however that you're in contact with her therapist - not matter how whacked-out your wife may be, that's her confidential relationship and not something that involves you, unless it's explicitly couples counselling. Unless someone is in immediate danger, there's no need for you to speak to the therapist.
I am a bit concerned however that you're in contact with her therapist - not matter how whacked-out your wife may be, that's her confidential relationship and not something that involves you, unless it's explicitly couples counselling. Unless someone is in immediate danger, there's no need for you to speak to the therapist.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,653
This may well be one of those posts you will have to come back to (when you are in a different frame of mind).
The Mother in law backed you up - at least she was able to do that. That probably took a lot of courage on her part. The fact that she did a double take when confronted by her Daughter, I hope, can be forgiven in time.
Imagine her position, she agrees with you and realizes this is serious. Then her unstable Daughter calls her - probably very emotional? and her Mom backs down and agrees with her.
Anyway, just to say she did show courage and I don't think she did that "to" you as such. Fear? Wanting to protect herself when confronted by huge emotion from her Daughter. I'm going to guess she has been on the receiving end of the wrath more than once.
All that aside, what a roller coaster ride you are on. It's just terrible. You are doing well, I can see you are still furious.
Is there any possibility that you could separate, even for a while?
The Mother in law backed you up - at least she was able to do that. That probably took a lot of courage on her part. The fact that she did a double take when confronted by her Daughter, I hope, can be forgiven in time.
Imagine her position, she agrees with you and realizes this is serious. Then her unstable Daughter calls her - probably very emotional? and her Mom backs down and agrees with her.
Anyway, just to say she did show courage and I don't think she did that "to" you as such. Fear? Wanting to protect herself when confronted by huge emotion from her Daughter. I'm going to guess she has been on the receiving end of the wrath more than once.
All that aside, what a roller coaster ride you are on. It's just terrible. You are doing well, I can see you are still furious.
Is there any possibility that you could separate, even for a while?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 170
Originally Posted by Sasha1972
You can't fool everybody all the time - and it sounds like your wife is encountering people who are not fooled. I think most competent professionals in corrections or the "helping fields" have dealt with "clients" who are manipulative and attention-seeking - there are patterns and these people become predictable over time. It's just a matter of finding the competent professionals (as opposed to the ones who aren't).
I am a bit concerned however that you're in contact with her therapist - not matter how whacked-out your wife may be, that's her confidential relationship and not something that involves you, unless it's explicitly couples counselling. Unless someone is in immediate danger, there's no need for you to speak to the therapist.
I am a bit concerned however that you're in contact with her therapist - not matter how whacked-out your wife may be, that's her confidential relationship and not something that involves you, unless it's explicitly couples counselling. Unless someone is in immediate danger, there's no need for you to speak to the therapist.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Originally Posted by Beachn
However, words and tears mean nothing. Actions do.
Of course she blamed you...it's a hallmark of addiction for the addict to blame everyone and everything around them and not take any personal responsibility. Is it universal to *all* active addicts? No. Is it very, very, very common among active addicts? Absolutely.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Not only have I had to deal with her, through rehabs, counselors, psyches, therapists, she actively manipulated everyone, and I mean everyone, into hating and blaming me for HER addiction. I still haven’t fully wrapped my head around it. Were they Oscar winning performances, or do people just see and hear what they want? Someone told me once that people refuse to believe a pretty woman could be this screwed up, or evil or malicious, and if she is they believe it’s someone else’s fault. Seems he nailed it.
Hey Beachn. I hope you read this message before you check out of here. First of all, you better not think this is some "pretty woman" thing. Whoever said that to you has some either internalized misogyny or just plain old simple misogyny -- the only nail he has is the one in his head. My exAH was neither pretty nor a woman and he did as much lying as your wife (hope, soon to be ex). He even lied to the TAX OFFICE. This is what addicts DO. Read the stickies. The first person they lie to is themselves. Then once they believe their own delusions, lying to everyone else is easy. They play the victim and they target people who are going to feel sorry for them. AND... they START lying long before you even think it started. So by the time all the people they have been grooming meet you, those pre-groomed people are ready to believe that maybe it was your fault IF the addict tells them it was. My exAH lied to me about his mental health "issues" and said it was his mother's fault. Was it? Now I think it wasn't. Because he later ran around saying that his addiction was my fault and I know it sure as hell wasn't. He was an addict long before I met him (I found this out later, after leaving him). Your wife was probably an addict LOOONG before she met you. They have a saying around here: "more will be revealed." The more time passes, the more the truth will be uncovered. And eventually if you healed enough, the less you will care because you will have moved on.
Anyway, last week everything changed. For me and for her for a very long time. I reported her drinking to her probation officer.
Good!
I conferred with her family before reporting her to let them know what I was doing and they agreed with my decision. When my wife found out what I had done she called her mother who told her this was me showing my true colors and should be the final nail in the coffin of my marriage. I heard her say it. WTF!?
You having to call the cops SHOULD be the nail in the coffin of your marriage. You think her Mom won't tell her what she needs to hear to get her away from you and the kids? She doesn't want an addict around her grandchildren does she? Whose side do you think Mom was really on? I think she was on your side. Do you think Mom knows that your wife can't handle an honest conversation right now? I think so. Also, why would anyone go back to a spouse who had you incarcerated no matter WHAT the motivation (even if it were for your own good)? You were right to call the cops. Your mother in law was right when she told her daughter that the marriage is over. It should have been over a long time ago.
You have too much going on in your head to make sense of any of this right now. Take a couple months off from crazy and breathe. Also, make sure that time is away from your wife (hope, soon to be ex).
When I contacted her therapist and told her what happened in court she said in almost 50 years in mental health she had met few that were as convincing and manipulative as my wife. She was lying about everything, including drinking. Let alone 11 am .32 drinking. Her psych Dr. didn’t return my message. Figures, he sucks.
Why do they need to know what happened in court? Why do you need them to know? What purpose does this serve? Were any of these people relationship or marriage counselors? Because that is the only reason that you should be communicating with someone else's therapist (if you are actually in therapy together). The other reason you might want to communicate with them is if the person they are treating is in serious danger of self-harm OR if they give you permission to communicate with their therapist. If some of these people are marriage or relationships counselors, AND they have agreed to counsel a couple where one member is an addict, they need to go back to finish their psych degree because you DO NOT counsel addicts in couples therapy unless said addict has been in recovery for an extended period (years... because that's how long it takes for the lies to stop).
I and my children are my responsibility. She has a long road ahead of her, as do I figuring out how to change myself and my life to match my values and morals. There will be no compromising them again, ever.
"My children and I". Also... does this road ahead include getting way from your wife for at least 6 months to a year... or two years? Because that can be how long it will take for her to make changes (if she ever does). Your wife may choose that her values don't match yours after all. You can't choose her values for her -- she may want to continue drinking. You have to be ready for that. I hope you are leaving her. I also hope, if your kids are old enough, that they are getting the support they need for the emotional fall-out.
Hey Beachn. I hope you read this message before you check out of here. First of all, you better not think this is some "pretty woman" thing. Whoever said that to you has some either internalized misogyny or just plain old simple misogyny -- the only nail he has is the one in his head. My exAH was neither pretty nor a woman and he did as much lying as your wife (hope, soon to be ex). He even lied to the TAX OFFICE. This is what addicts DO. Read the stickies. The first person they lie to is themselves. Then once they believe their own delusions, lying to everyone else is easy. They play the victim and they target people who are going to feel sorry for them. AND... they START lying long before you even think it started. So by the time all the people they have been grooming meet you, those pre-groomed people are ready to believe that maybe it was your fault IF the addict tells them it was. My exAH lied to me about his mental health "issues" and said it was his mother's fault. Was it? Now I think it wasn't. Because he later ran around saying that his addiction was my fault and I know it sure as hell wasn't. He was an addict long before I met him (I found this out later, after leaving him). Your wife was probably an addict LOOONG before she met you. They have a saying around here: "more will be revealed." The more time passes, the more the truth will be uncovered. And eventually if you healed enough, the less you will care because you will have moved on.
Anyway, last week everything changed. For me and for her for a very long time. I reported her drinking to her probation officer.
Good!
I conferred with her family before reporting her to let them know what I was doing and they agreed with my decision. When my wife found out what I had done she called her mother who told her this was me showing my true colors and should be the final nail in the coffin of my marriage. I heard her say it. WTF!?
You having to call the cops SHOULD be the nail in the coffin of your marriage. You think her Mom won't tell her what she needs to hear to get her away from you and the kids? She doesn't want an addict around her grandchildren does she? Whose side do you think Mom was really on? I think she was on your side. Do you think Mom knows that your wife can't handle an honest conversation right now? I think so. Also, why would anyone go back to a spouse who had you incarcerated no matter WHAT the motivation (even if it were for your own good)? You were right to call the cops. Your mother in law was right when she told her daughter that the marriage is over. It should have been over a long time ago.
You have too much going on in your head to make sense of any of this right now. Take a couple months off from crazy and breathe. Also, make sure that time is away from your wife (hope, soon to be ex).
When I contacted her therapist and told her what happened in court she said in almost 50 years in mental health she had met few that were as convincing and manipulative as my wife. She was lying about everything, including drinking. Let alone 11 am .32 drinking. Her psych Dr. didn’t return my message. Figures, he sucks.
Why do they need to know what happened in court? Why do you need them to know? What purpose does this serve? Were any of these people relationship or marriage counselors? Because that is the only reason that you should be communicating with someone else's therapist (if you are actually in therapy together). The other reason you might want to communicate with them is if the person they are treating is in serious danger of self-harm OR if they give you permission to communicate with their therapist. If some of these people are marriage or relationships counselors, AND they have agreed to counsel a couple where one member is an addict, they need to go back to finish their psych degree because you DO NOT counsel addicts in couples therapy unless said addict has been in recovery for an extended period (years... because that's how long it takes for the lies to stop).
I and my children are my responsibility. She has a long road ahead of her, as do I figuring out how to change myself and my life to match my values and morals. There will be no compromising them again, ever.
"My children and I". Also... does this road ahead include getting way from your wife for at least 6 months to a year... or two years? Because that can be how long it will take for her to make changes (if she ever does). Your wife may choose that her values don't match yours after all. You can't choose her values for her -- she may want to continue drinking. You have to be ready for that. I hope you are leaving her. I also hope, if your kids are old enough, that they are getting the support they need for the emotional fall-out.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 170
Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz
Not only have I had to deal with her, through rehabs, counselors, psyches, therapists, she actively manipulated everyone, and I mean everyone, into hating and blaming me for HER addiction. I still haven’t fully wrapped my head around it. Were they Oscar winning performances, or do people just see and hear what they want? Someone told me once that people refuse to believe a pretty woman could be this screwed up, or evil or malicious, and if she is they believe it’s someone else’s fault. Seems he nailed it.
Hey Beachn. I hope you read this message before you check out of here. First of all, you better not think this is some "pretty woman" thing. Whoever said that to you has some either internalized misogyny or just plain old simple misogyny -- the only nail he has is the one in his head. My exAH was neither pretty nor a woman and he did as much lying as your wife (hope, soon to be ex). He even lied to the TAX OFFICE. This is what addicts DO. Read the stickies. The first person they lie to is themselves. Then once they believe their own delusions, lying to everyone else is easy. They play the victim and they target people who are going to feel sorry for them. AND... they START lying long before you even think it started. So by the time all the people they have been grooming meet you, those pre-groomed people are ready to believe that maybe it was your fault IF the addict tells them it was. My exAH lied to me about his mental health "issues" and said it was his mother's fault. Was it? Now I think it wasn't. Because he later ran around saying that his addiction was my fault and I know it sure as hell wasn't. He was an addict long before I met him (I found this out later, after leaving him). Your wife was probably an addict LOOONG before she met you. They have a saying around here: "more will be revealed." The more time passes, the more the truth will be uncovered. And eventually if you healed enough, the less you will care because you will have moved on.
Anyway, last week everything changed. For me and for her for a very long time. I reported her drinking to her probation officer.
Good!
I conferred with her family before reporting her to let them know what I was doing and they agreed with my decision. When my wife found out what I had done she called her mother who told her this was me showing my true colors and should be the final nail in the coffin of my marriage. I heard her say it. WTF!?
You having to call the cops SHOULD be the nail in the coffin of your marriage. You think her Mom won't tell her what she needs to hear to get her away from you and the kids? She doesn't want an addict around her grandchildren does she? Whose side do you think Mom was really on? I think she was on your side. Do you think Mom knows that your wife can't handle an honest conversation right now? I think so. Also, why would anyone go back to a spouse who had you incarcerated no matter WHAT the motivation (even if it were for your own good)? You were right to call the cops. Your mother in law was right when she told her daughter that the marriage is over. It should have been over a long time ago.
You have too much going on in your head to make sense of any of this right now. Take a couple months off from crazy and breathe. Also, make sure that time is away from your wife (hope, soon to be ex).
When I contacted her therapist and told her what happened in court she said in almost 50 years in mental health she had met few that were as convincing and manipulative as my wife. She was lying about everything, including drinking. Let alone 11 am .32 drinking. Her psych Dr. didn’t return my message. Figures, he sucks.
Why do they need to know what happened in court? Why do you need them to know? What purpose does this serve? Were any of these people relationship or marriage counselors? Because that is the only reason that you should be communicating with someone else's therapist (if you are actually in therapy together). The other reason you might want to communicate with them is if the person they are treating is in serious danger of self-harm OR if they give you permission to communicate with their therapist. If some of these people are marriage or relationships counselors, AND they have agreed to counsel a couple where one member is an addict, they need to go back to finish their psych degree because you DO NOT counsel addicts in couples therapy unless said addict has been in recovery for an extended period (years... because that's how long it takes for the lies to stop).
I and my children are my responsibility. She has a long road ahead of her, as do I figuring out how to change myself and my life to match my values and morals. There will be no compromising them again, ever.
"My children and I". Also... does this road ahead include getting way from your wife for at least 6 months to a year... or two years? Because that can be how long it will take for her to make changes (if she ever does). Your wife may choose that her values don't match yours after all. You can't choose her values for her -- she may want to continue drinking. You have to be ready for that. I hope you are leaving her. I also hope, if your kids are old enough, that they are getting the support they need for the emotional fall-out.
Hey Beachn. I hope you read this message before you check out of here. First of all, you better not think this is some "pretty woman" thing. Whoever said that to you has some either internalized misogyny or just plain old simple misogyny -- the only nail he has is the one in his head. My exAH was neither pretty nor a woman and he did as much lying as your wife (hope, soon to be ex). He even lied to the TAX OFFICE. This is what addicts DO. Read the stickies. The first person they lie to is themselves. Then once they believe their own delusions, lying to everyone else is easy. They play the victim and they target people who are going to feel sorry for them. AND... they START lying long before you even think it started. So by the time all the people they have been grooming meet you, those pre-groomed people are ready to believe that maybe it was your fault IF the addict tells them it was. My exAH lied to me about his mental health "issues" and said it was his mother's fault. Was it? Now I think it wasn't. Because he later ran around saying that his addiction was my fault and I know it sure as hell wasn't. He was an addict long before I met him (I found this out later, after leaving him). Your wife was probably an addict LOOONG before she met you. They have a saying around here: "more will be revealed." The more time passes, the more the truth will be uncovered. And eventually if you healed enough, the less you will care because you will have moved on.
Anyway, last week everything changed. For me and for her for a very long time. I reported her drinking to her probation officer.
Good!
I conferred with her family before reporting her to let them know what I was doing and they agreed with my decision. When my wife found out what I had done she called her mother who told her this was me showing my true colors and should be the final nail in the coffin of my marriage. I heard her say it. WTF!?
You having to call the cops SHOULD be the nail in the coffin of your marriage. You think her Mom won't tell her what she needs to hear to get her away from you and the kids? She doesn't want an addict around her grandchildren does she? Whose side do you think Mom was really on? I think she was on your side. Do you think Mom knows that your wife can't handle an honest conversation right now? I think so. Also, why would anyone go back to a spouse who had you incarcerated no matter WHAT the motivation (even if it were for your own good)? You were right to call the cops. Your mother in law was right when she told her daughter that the marriage is over. It should have been over a long time ago.
You have too much going on in your head to make sense of any of this right now. Take a couple months off from crazy and breathe. Also, make sure that time is away from your wife (hope, soon to be ex).
When I contacted her therapist and told her what happened in court she said in almost 50 years in mental health she had met few that were as convincing and manipulative as my wife. She was lying about everything, including drinking. Let alone 11 am .32 drinking. Her psych Dr. didn’t return my message. Figures, he sucks.
Why do they need to know what happened in court? Why do you need them to know? What purpose does this serve? Were any of these people relationship or marriage counselors? Because that is the only reason that you should be communicating with someone else's therapist (if you are actually in therapy together). The other reason you might want to communicate with them is if the person they are treating is in serious danger of self-harm OR if they give you permission to communicate with their therapist. If some of these people are marriage or relationships counselors, AND they have agreed to counsel a couple where one member is an addict, they need to go back to finish their psych degree because you DO NOT counsel addicts in couples therapy unless said addict has been in recovery for an extended period (years... because that's how long it takes for the lies to stop).
I and my children are my responsibility. She has a long road ahead of her, as do I figuring out how to change myself and my life to match my values and morals. There will be no compromising them again, ever.
"My children and I". Also... does this road ahead include getting way from your wife for at least 6 months to a year... or two years? Because that can be how long it will take for her to make changes (if she ever does). Your wife may choose that her values don't match yours after all. You can't choose her values for her -- she may want to continue drinking. You have to be ready for that. I hope you are leaving her. I also hope, if your kids are old enough, that they are getting the support they need for the emotional fall-out.
If you believe for one second her mother has her best interest in mind, or was on my side, you are sorely mistaken. Not going into details, but missed this by a mile.
I contacted them because she was absolutely a danger to herself and I had permission.
Yes, my children and I.
Also, not trying to determine anyone’s values but my own. Hence my recognition that I have work to do on myself, a ton.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Beachn....I hear progress being made. You said she sounds like she is finally acting as she should, BUT, you realize it's actions, not words.
That in and of itself is huge progress my friend. Something that took me a very long time to see. Go easy on yourself, you are doing great.
That in and of itself is huge progress my friend. Something that took me a very long time to see. Go easy on yourself, you are doing great.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I hope that there has been some peace in your weekend with your kids, beachn. I realize those moments are punctuated by some crisis or another generated by your wife.
P.S. considering the reason we all visit this board, correct grammar is not a high priority here - Type away and don't worry about it.
P.S. considering the reason we all visit this board, correct grammar is not a high priority here - Type away and don't worry about it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 66
Beachn - You rock. You are clear, have no doubt. Your wife has flown off the rails.
I know you love her deeply and she is deeply broken.
She is the only one who can fix her. Nothing you haven't learned.
You cannot save her.
Stand tall my friend. Your kids deserve it as do you.
I know you love her deeply and she is deeply broken.
She is the only one who can fix her. Nothing you haven't learned.
You cannot save her.
Stand tall my friend. Your kids deserve it as do you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 170
Originally Posted by hopeful4
Beachn....I hear progress being made. You said she sounds like she is finally acting as she should, BUT, you realize it's actions, not words.
That in and of itself is huge progress my friend. Something that took me a very long time to see. Go easy on yourself, you are doing great.
That in and of itself is huge progress my friend. Something that took me a very long time to see. Go easy on yourself, you are doing great.
There is no quick fix and not sure I have the patience or desire to continue this marriage. Not making quick decisions, just trying to get some rest. I’m exhausted.
Progress after such a ferocious rampage doesn’t take much. Obviously she’s not drinking, but the alcoholic personality is ever present in the little things. Attempts at manipulation, ie trying to get me to do something for her that she is fully capable of doing herself. So obvious to me now. Not playing.
Thanks, it’s been quiet. My stress level dropped to zero and once again I looked around and saw the wreckage and know never again. I’m not worrying about the grammar at all.. It was the order. Kids first.
I did love her deeply, incredibly so. Now not sure what I feel. Disappointed, aghast, for sure. I have no idea who this person is. Know I don’t trust her. What can we have without trust? Nothing. She has been in and out of our lives for the last 7 months interacting with dubious characters, having intimate relationships with people she never would have encountered had she sought help. Immersed in a subculture I have absolutely no desire to understand. This is going to sound judgmental but she’s so badly damaged and altered I’m not sure I even like her. The mother of my children is an alcoholic, a cheater, neglectful, liar, manipulative, violent, on probation, violated that probation, spent time in jail, and is walking around with a trashy ankle monitor. What’s there to love? How the hell do you come back from all of this?
Originally Posted by Seren
I hope that there has been some peace in your weekend with your kids, beachn. I realize those moments are punctuated by some crisis or another generated by your wife.
P.S. considering the reason we all visit this board, correct grammar is not a high priority here - Type away and don't worry about it.
P.S. considering the reason we all visit this board, correct grammar is not a high priority here - Type away and don't worry about it.
Originally Posted by endofmyrope65
Beachn - You rock. You are clear, have no doubt. Your wife has flown off the rails.
I know you love her deeply and she is deeply broken.
She is the only one who can fix her. Nothing you haven't learned.
You cannot save her.
Stand tall my friend. Your kids deserve it as do you.
I know you love her deeply and she is deeply broken.
She is the only one who can fix her. Nothing you haven't learned.
You cannot save her.
Stand tall my friend. Your kids deserve it as do you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I think, like I said in February on this thread - separation is a very good idea.
You don't have to decide about Forever right now. Just Peaceful Home.
If she and you both have some miraculous insight and recovery from all this, you can get back together. You've spent many months in misery. I think you deserve so much better and you can't fix this right now - it's just going to be more of the same.
You don't have to decide about Forever right now. Just Peaceful Home.
If she and you both have some miraculous insight and recovery from all this, you can get back together. You've spent many months in misery. I think you deserve so much better and you can't fix this right now - it's just going to be more of the same.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,653
Beachn, I went back to the beginning of this thread and reviewed a bit. It's been 3 months now.
If I remember correctly she has been for treatment 3 times, the last time being the disaster rehab and is now in therapy.
You said this in your first post:
Do you mean prior to that she was not an alcoholic? She didn't drink? This type of drama didn't exist?
The reason I ask is because you are effectively making zero progress with her so far. She isn't in any kind of recovery, continues to drink.
You stated that if she hadn't gone to rehab she never would have met those people. You know what, if you were not supporting her in her drinking she may well have met those people if left to her own devices, she was given a bit of freedom and that is what she chose to do.
You are trying to keep an iron clad grip on all of this, why? What and whom are you helping? She is no better, the children are witnessing all this and you are teetering on the edge of the cliff.
What does SHE want?
If I remember correctly she has been for treatment 3 times, the last time being the disaster rehab and is now in therapy.
You said this in your first post:
Originally Posted by Beachn
It started with post partum 4 years ago and has progressed to this. instead of seeking help for her depression and stress, she drank.
The reason I ask is because you are effectively making zero progress with her so far. She isn't in any kind of recovery, continues to drink.
You stated that if she hadn't gone to rehab she never would have met those people. You know what, if you were not supporting her in her drinking she may well have met those people if left to her own devices, she was given a bit of freedom and that is what she chose to do.
You are trying to keep an iron clad grip on all of this, why? What and whom are you helping? She is no better, the children are witnessing all this and you are teetering on the edge of the cliff.
What does SHE want?
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