Hi Beachn,
I am very sorry for what you are going through. Your pain and stress feels unbearable. I really hope you find a way to some peace, somehow. And as the previous poster said, go easy on yourself.
Originally Posted by
Beachn 
The staff messed with her head in there. Startling her dozens of times by walking up to her and yelling her name when she was by herself doing something like a puzzle or laundry. One male staff member snuck up behind her and wrapped his arms around her in a bear hug causing her to have panic attack. This is abuse and it seems deliberate.
I have been wondering about this bit. Did you actually see the staff behaving like this, or is it her version? EVEN if the place is a scam, it seems like very odd behaviour. One thing to keep in mind is that there are many different mental illnesses or episodes in which one's perception of reality is distorted. I can attest first-hand to this. I have myself had two experiences of paranoid psychosis where all kinds of perfectly normal behaviour was perceived/experienced by me as sinister, threatening, malicious. Mine were not alcohol related, but I have seen my AW having episodes of alcohol-induced psychosis with distorted, hallucinatory thinking. I seem to have read that alcohol withdrawal can also involve such symptoms with some people.
I am not trying to diagnose your wife, I am only saying that when it comes to mental illness, things are not always what they seem.
Originally Posted by
Beachn
I promise you these were screwed up folks, some of the worst I have ever encountered in my life. Just plain ruined by life and addiction. She befriended a hooker. A damn hooker.
Perhaps part of going easy on yourself is going easy on others. Addicts, hookers, 'screwed up folk', everyone is entitled to respect, compassion, friendship.