Wife worse after rehab for alcoholism
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Originally Posted by biminiblue 
I think, like I said in February on this thread - separation is a very good idea.
You don't have to decide about Forever right now. Just Peaceful Home.
If she and you both have some miraculous insight and recovery from all this, you can get back together. You've spent many months in misery. I think you deserve so much better and you can't fix this right now - it's just going to be more of the same.
You don't have to decide about Forever right now. Just Peaceful Home.
If she and you both have some miraculous insight and recovery from all this, you can get back together. You've spent many months in misery. I think you deserve so much better and you can't fix this right now - it's just going to be more of the same.
It can’t be more of the same. A violation means jail, and I’m certain that is a consequence she will do everything to avoid. We deserve a lot better, as does she. No one deserves to live this way. Either side of addiction.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Beachn, I went back to the beginning of this thread and reviewed a bit. It's been 3 months now.
If I remember correctly she has been for treatment 3 times, the last time being the disaster rehab and is now in therapy.
You said this in your first post:
Do you mean prior to that she was not an alcoholic? She didn't drink? This type of drama didn't exist?
The reason I ask is because you are effectively making zero progress with her so far. She isn't in any kind of recovery, continues to drink.
You stated that if she hadn't gone to rehab she never would have met those people. You know what, if you were not supporting her in her drinking she may well have met those people if left to her own devices, she was given a bit of freedom and that is what she chose to do.
You are trying to keep an iron clad grip on all of this, why? What and whom are you helping? She is no better, the children are witnessing all this and you are teetering on the edge of the cliff.
What does SHE want?
If I remember correctly she has been for treatment 3 times, the last time being the disaster rehab and is now in therapy.
You said this in your first post:
Do you mean prior to that she was not an alcoholic? She didn't drink? This type of drama didn't exist?
The reason I ask is because you are effectively making zero progress with her so far. She isn't in any kind of recovery, continues to drink.
You stated that if she hadn't gone to rehab she never would have met those people. You know what, if you were not supporting her in her drinking she may well have met those people if left to her own devices, she was given a bit of freedom and that is what she chose to do.
You are trying to keep an iron clad grip on all of this, why? What and whom are you helping? She is no better, the children are witnessing all this and you are teetering on the edge of the cliff.
What does SHE want?
She did not drink until 8 months after the birth of our second child. The occasional drink on date night, but that’s it. She is not drinking. So change is actually happening. Up until now she has not faced any true consequences. Almost untouched in many ways. My enabling in many aspects allowed that. I explain it away as not wanting her to get in trouble legally. I kept hoping, believing without any good reason she could will her way out of it. Fat chance. When she couldn’t I would get mad, then try another tactic and the cycle would repeat. She wants to remain sober,
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Originally Posted by Beachn
When she couldn’t I would get mad, then try another tactic and the cycle would repeat. She wants to remain sober, [/left]
Yes, I asked for just that reason. You can enable someone to death and that's not your intent, I know that, or probably anyone's intent.
If I was mentally ill or an alcoholic (I consider it to be a mental/physical illness) and someone yelled at me for drinking, I'd drink more too.
I'm not saying it's your fault. You could have remained silent and she may have continued drinking just as much, but there are big control issues going on here.
You being angry that this is happening to your life, that's honest, to be angry at her is a waste of your time if you are going to stay, it doesn't help you or her. Anger is good sometimes, especially as a tool for action, dumping your anger on someone else, when it becomes a regular thing, is truly negative.
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Originally Posted by Beachn
Trailmix,
Agree completely, being angry hasn’t helped at all. Haven’t actually expressed anger toward her in a long time. I vent here. Sorry folks.
It was more like a check, you know? Sometimes in highly emotional situations we can all use a reality check. I'm glad that you are calm around her at least, good for your children, good for her even (for you well, at least you have SR to vent).
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
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There is no quick fix and not sure I have the patience or desire to continue this marriage.
It will help your recovery if you have zero contact with Beachnwife. It will also be good for the kids to get a break from Beachnwife.
This is going to sound judgmental but she’s so badly damaged and altered I’m not sure I even like her. The mother of my children is an alcoholic, a cheater, neglectful, liar, manipulative, violent, on probation, violated that probation, spent time in jail, and is walking around with a trashy ankle monitor.
It is not judgemental. Those are FACTS: she is an alcoholic, cheater, neglectful, liar, manipulative, violent, on probation, violated it, is a jailbird, and wears an ankle monitor (which means she done wrong and needs law-enforcement babysitting). Note: not every alcoholic is going to be cheaters or violent... this is mostly a personality thing -- this is who she is when things go wrong. However if you read the boards on SR, it is more common than not to read about addicts who do all of those things.
What’s there to love? How the hell do you come back from all of this?
1. You can't turn back time. 2. She's not the person she was anymore or she isn't the person you thought she was. If you are okay with that, you can stay. If you are not you can leave. If you stay, you will have to live with the knowledge that MIL didn't want you two to be together. But right now separation is a great option until you have the mental energy to decide those things.
It's okay to have loved someone once and to have to let them go (either literally or just by detaching). It is likely you will experience grief no matter what you decide: leave or stay.
I do a lot of work with kids whose parents are addicts. I hope you are getting them help.
It will help your recovery if you have zero contact with Beachnwife. It will also be good for the kids to get a break from Beachnwife.
This is going to sound judgmental but she’s so badly damaged and altered I’m not sure I even like her. The mother of my children is an alcoholic, a cheater, neglectful, liar, manipulative, violent, on probation, violated that probation, spent time in jail, and is walking around with a trashy ankle monitor.
It is not judgemental. Those are FACTS: she is an alcoholic, cheater, neglectful, liar, manipulative, violent, on probation, violated it, is a jailbird, and wears an ankle monitor (which means she done wrong and needs law-enforcement babysitting). Note: not every alcoholic is going to be cheaters or violent... this is mostly a personality thing -- this is who she is when things go wrong. However if you read the boards on SR, it is more common than not to read about addicts who do all of those things.
What’s there to love? How the hell do you come back from all of this?
1. You can't turn back time. 2. She's not the person she was anymore or she isn't the person you thought she was. If you are okay with that, you can stay. If you are not you can leave. If you stay, you will have to live with the knowledge that MIL didn't want you two to be together. But right now separation is a great option until you have the mental energy to decide those things.
It's okay to have loved someone once and to have to let them go (either literally or just by detaching). It is likely you will experience grief no matter what you decide: leave or stay.
I do a lot of work with kids whose parents are addicts. I hope you are getting them help.
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Why am I holding on so intensely?
There aren’t enough hours in the day to explain the hell we have been through that led us to coping with alcohol. As I posted previously, we were harassed and stalked for the better part of a decade.
It wasn’t everyday stress like work, kids, marital strife, that led to drinking. although we had those things to manage. The harassment and gaslighting was so intense I have difficulty writing about it in detail as it sends me to a very dark place. We were alone, isolated, and felt we had no where to turn. We reported much of it, and still it continued. It was a nightmare and at the end of the day alcohol allowed us to make it disappear, emotionally and psychologically, for just a little while. To pretend it wasn’t happening. It was ultimately a trap. I got lucky and was able to quit alcohol, tragically alcoholism sunk its claws into my wife and buried them deep. My anger and frustration isn’t particularly due to my wife’s behavior, atrocious as it’s been, but at the source of the stress and strife we endured, failed to extricate ourselves from and poorly coped with, that led us here. And at myself for not being able to protect her, us, from it including my reactions to it all. Posting here has allowed me to chronicle my experience, how insane it has been, and how sick I became and in many ways still am. This will be my last post for a while. I have living to do, a life to repair, and lots and lots of work to do.Thank you all for being here.
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Hey Beachn, I hope you have found some support here. Come back whenever you want.
Unfortunately there isn't anyway to let-go any more than you can consciously heal a physical wound by some letting go. It takes time. It is healing and greiving that you have to do. It does indeed truly suck. None of us got to walk away unscathed. I never married my qualifier; we never even lived together but leaving him is still one of the most painful things I have ever done.
Take care of yourself and take care of those kids. Set you sights on the long haul.
Unfortunately there isn't anyway to let-go any more than you can consciously heal a physical wound by some letting go. It takes time. It is healing and greiving that you have to do. It does indeed truly suck. None of us got to walk away unscathed. I never married my qualifier; we never even lived together but leaving him is still one of the most painful things I have ever done.
Take care of yourself and take care of those kids. Set you sights on the long haul.
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Beachn, I'm just so sorry to know that you and your wife have gone through so much! No one deserves that. I'm sorry you felt that you had no resources available at that time to make your lives any better. That's heartbreaking.
I wish I had some wise words for you. Just know that you are supported here. You, your wife, and your children will be in my prayers.
I wish I had some wise words for you. Just know that you are supported here. You, your wife, and your children will be in my prayers.
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Hi everyone,
First time through this thread in a long time. I came back as a reminder of how bad things can get, not realizing how bad it was and thinking I could do so without getting emotionally drawn back into that mindset of WTF just happened. Not so sure.
I’m doing better than I have in years, kids are getting help and wife is active in AA and therapy. Another 60 odd days of sobriety woohoo. /s Will it be enough? Who knows.
Right now I’m not hopeful and still disgusted. Some days better than others. It is going to take a long time for the damage to be repaired, to my life, my children’s lives, my business. Her ongoing therapy with Pdr and psychologist is costly and what wasn’t accomplished is being fought for and was neglected is being de-piled.
After everything I just don’t trust her. In my mind she is damaged in a way I cannot accept or forgive. Sucks. Alcoholism sucks. I loathe addicts in active addiction that refuse to help themselves. I have sympathy and little more. Disease or not, they destroy lives.
in many ways I wish I had filed, but that nagging loyalty thing got in the way.
First time through this thread in a long time. I came back as a reminder of how bad things can get, not realizing how bad it was and thinking I could do so without getting emotionally drawn back into that mindset of WTF just happened. Not so sure.
I’m doing better than I have in years, kids are getting help and wife is active in AA and therapy. Another 60 odd days of sobriety woohoo. /s Will it be enough? Who knows.
Right now I’m not hopeful and still disgusted. Some days better than others. It is going to take a long time for the damage to be repaired, to my life, my children’s lives, my business. Her ongoing therapy with Pdr and psychologist is costly and what wasn’t accomplished is being fought for and was neglected is being de-piled.
After everything I just don’t trust her. In my mind she is damaged in a way I cannot accept or forgive. Sucks. Alcoholism sucks. I loathe addicts in active addiction that refuse to help themselves. I have sympathy and little more. Disease or not, they destroy lives.
in many ways I wish I had filed, but that nagging loyalty thing got in the way.
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well, they haven't taken away the ability to file for divorce, so you still have that option. you've given the ole loyalty thing a good long run. and yet here you are. SHE has maybe 2 months sober.
you can pull the plug at any time. you've done enough. it is time to marshal all your forces to take care of you and the kids. period. make your world really small, and fight like hell to rid it of chaos, anxiety, stress, and being mere moons orbiting around someone else's planet.
you can pull the plug at any time. you've done enough. it is time to marshal all your forces to take care of you and the kids. period. make your world really small, and fight like hell to rid it of chaos, anxiety, stress, and being mere moons orbiting around someone else's planet.
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Good to hear things are better Beachn and yeah alcoholism does suck.
Muslims, Mormons and all the other religions that ban it outright may be right. Prohibition certainly was worth a try for the US.
The first year with someone who has stopped drinking is supposed to be pretty horrific.
Courage to you man!
Muslims, Mormons and all the other religions that ban it outright may be right. Prohibition certainly was worth a try for the US.
The first year with someone who has stopped drinking is supposed to be pretty horrific.
Courage to you man!
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Originally Posted by Bekindalways
Good to hear things are better Beachn and yeah alcoholism does suck.
Muslims, Mormons and all the other religions that ban it outright may be right. Prohibition certainly was worth a try for the US.
The first year with someone who has stopped drinking is supposed to be pretty horrific.
Courage to you man!
Muslims, Mormons and all the other religions that ban it outright may be right. Prohibition certainly was worth a try for the US.
The first year with someone who has stopped drinking is supposed to be pretty horrific.
Courage to you man!
If they really say this, then this is the only tenet of AA that I strongly disagree with. Today I believe the only good thing about alcohol is it's use as a solvent and disinfectant.
If prohibition had stuck and there were no alcohol, then we would have no alcoholics.
When prohibition was repealed, it was because of the money and political machinery that stood to gain from it. We are seeing a repeat of that today ala the drug cartels in central and south America.
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Originally Posted by Eauchiche
I read somewhere that the AA literature says that if we believe there should be no alcohol for ANYONE, then we are not working a good program.
If they really say this, then this is the only tenet of AA that I strongly disagree with. Today I believe the only good thing about alcohol is it's use as a solvent and disinfectant.
If prohibition had stuck and there were no alcohol, then we would have no alcoholics.
When prohibition was repealed, it was because of the money and political machinery that stood to gain from it. We are seeing a repeat of that today ala the drug cartels in central and south America.
If they really say this, then this is the only tenet of AA that I strongly disagree with. Today I believe the only good thing about alcohol is it's use as a solvent and disinfectant.
If prohibition had stuck and there were no alcohol, then we would have no alcoholics.
When prohibition was repealed, it was because of the money and political machinery that stood to gain from it. We are seeing a repeat of that today ala the drug cartels in central and south America.
moonshine and bathtub gin killed many AND made criminals out of millions.
deaths and injuries from alcohol poisoning were astronomical.
make alcohol illegal and ya better be ready for all of that again with the added benefit of taxes skyrocketing
the majority of people that drink alcohol are responsible drinkers.
this is the BB of AA says and for good reason.
We are careful never to show intolerance or hatred of drinking as an institution. Experience shows that such an attitude is not helpful to anyone. Every new alcoholic looks for this spirit among us and is immensely relieved when he finds we are not witch burners. A spirit of intolerance might repel alcoholics whose lives could have been saved, had it not been for such stupidity. We would not even do the cause of temperate drinking any good, for not one drinker in a thousand likes to be told anything about alcohol by one who hates it.
i understand where youre comin from,though. i personally dont blame alcohol for the actions of the alcoholic that was in my life. i take responsibility for allowing her in my life.
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Originally Posted by choublak
There are Muslims and Mormons who drink lol...
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I think TomSteve makes a very good point too. The AA perspective seems more balanced than mine.
HOWEVER... If we apply the same philosophical guidelines to Cocaine use, this philosophical construct comes crashing down.
I still believe that there is nothing good that comes from the use of alcohol, just as I do cocaine.
I am strongly considering membership in the WCTU, which is also open to male members. They take a lifelong pledge of teetotalism.
HOWEVER... If we apply the same philosophical guidelines to Cocaine use, this philosophical construct comes crashing down.
I still believe that there is nothing good that comes from the use of alcohol, just as I do cocaine.
I am strongly considering membership in the WCTU, which is also open to male members. They take a lifelong pledge of teetotalism.
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Beachin
"in many ways I wish I had filed, but that nagging loyalty thing got in the way."
Screw loyalty. She is loyal to the bottle and anyone willing to give her attention. Not to you.
Divorce her and if she gets sober and wants you back, let her fight for you like hell.
You can always date her again and remarry.
Read that last line and bang your head against the wall if you consider it.
"in many ways I wish I had filed, but that nagging loyalty thing got in the way."
Screw loyalty. She is loyal to the bottle and anyone willing to give her attention. Not to you.
Divorce her and if she gets sober and wants you back, let her fight for you like hell.
You can always date her again and remarry.
Read that last line and bang your head against the wall if you consider it.
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