Wife worse after rehab for alcoholism
 

Hi, Beachn, and welcome to SR. I'm sorry you are in this situation and want you to know that you do have choices that can make your life and the lives of your kids better.

It doesn't sound as if you've gotten much education about alcoholism so far. The first thing I'd suggest is reading around this forum as much as you can. Make sure not to miss the "stickies" at the top of the page; they are a concentrated source of experience and learning. As one of our members often says, "knowledge is power", and you'll get a whole lot of that from reading other people's threads.

Please don't hold back from posting to other people's threads b/c you're new. It seems to me that those who get the most from either SR or Alanon are those who are most actively involved.

I'd also suggest getting yourself to an Alanon meeting ASAP. Many meetings have child care for a nominal fee (usually $1 per child, in my area) during the meeting so you don't have to leave the kids home in the care of someone who is not capable. For me, SR and Alanon were a powerful combo, the first for the breadth of the comments and experience I saw, the second b/c it was in person and could offer things that an internet forum simply couldn't.

It certainly doesn't seem as if your wife is anywhere near the point of realizing what she will lose by continuing to drink, and I think you are wise to take steps to protect yourself and the kids. Your lives could all change in an instant if she drove drunk w/them in the car and had an accident, or some other scenario came to pass.

Hope to hear more from you soon.

Beach,

The truth is....

One word....done!

Only the addict can stop themselves.

I would run away as fast as I could.

You kids do not deserve any of that insanity.

Making a new life without a cheating actively addicted insane anchor will be 10x easier.

For some reason even as an ex active addict reading about active addicts pulling these selfish moves makes me sick.

I am not sure what they teach in rehab, but from what I have learned here and there, there are definitely no guarentees.

Your children are in danger. I would quietly, while she was passed out, take the kids and move out. Call the cops if she comes near you.

The cheating thing gets to me as well. Mix that with the drunk and irresponsible and it is over and out.

Wish I had a better answer, but if it quacks like a duck....it is a duck.

I'd get busy.

Thanks.

Rehab romance? She is a serial cheater who needs men's attention. This wont end well.
Get yourself tested for STD's IF you've had sex with her.

See a lawyer and start the divorce rolling. You could always stop it IF she comes to her senses.

This will only get worse (if you can imagine that).

Good for you. I am so sorry for your pain, but I'm glad you've landed here. Lots of similar stories from which to learn on this site.

She is nowhere near recovery. Save yourself and your precious children. I think I'm with Di22y on this one. Sooner the better.

Even if she somehow miraculously started into recovery, it would be a long time before things resembled "normal."

glad youre here, Beachn.
the only advise i will give is to remember 3 things:
you didnt cause it
you cant control it
you cant control it.

Beach.....I read that you "keep hoping that she will realize all that she is destroying..."
Be aware that "hope" is not a plan.....With an active alcoholic, hope will get you no where. Action is what will help you.....
Actions that are in the best interest of you and the children.....she is being controlled by her disease and cannot be counted on to protect the children...so, that becomes your first responsibility, as a parent.

I suggest the following first actions....
1. Educate yourself. Knowledge is power. It sounds like you don't know much about the nature of alcoholism.....lol...Who does?....unless they have had a special reason to learn about it. The general public is very ignorant about it...even the ones who live with alcoholism....
Professionals even have to undertake extra specialized education and experience to deal with it....
You won't be able to "help" her....as she will need the help of professionals and support groups. like AA, for that....
We have an excellent library of articles, here on SR, that will give you a boot camp start...over 100 articles...called "classic Readings"...contained within the stickies....in case you can't find them...here is a link, for you to get started....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html

Beach.....I wrote a much longer post to you...with more suggestions....but, DRATS!....I was timed out.....
If you have an interest, I will give it another try...…
Let me know....
I sincerely hope that you will stay and continue to post on the forum....as Honeypig says...those that get involved and stay involved get the most out of this forum......

Very smart move!

Of course you do, we all hope they will “realize” all that they destroy but we can’t sit around or expose children to all that they do destroy while we are hoping they will suddenly wake up and change back into or become the person we think they can be. Alcohol changes people, removing that alcohol doesn’t change them into who we want them to be or who we think they can be or even who they used to be.

She’s not ready to give it up. The big question is, are you really ready to?

Protect your children and yourself! Have you gotten any help from Alanon? She is destroying herself and will take you all down with her if you don't get out of that relationship. Please seek counceling.

Paradoxical wisdom.

Hope in the alcoholic changing keeps us trapped in a downward spiralling chaos that hurts us, our children and does nothing for accountability or allowing natural consequences to be picked up by the alcoholic.

Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive disease. Alcoholics are much more resourceful and resilient than given credit for. As I've learned to leave home, I've gained many skills and strengths. Kids learn by seeing our actions. An alcoholic environment is a very shaky, unknown, scary thing for kids. It's like knowing there will always be disastrous earthquakes and it comes from people who are proclaiming to "love" you.



Hope: grounds for believing that something good may happen.

"He does see some hope for the future"

synonyms: hopefulness, optimism, expectation, expectancy, confidence, faith, trust, belief



Hope is my plan. This is the paradoxical wisdom part. :)

Hope in my own abilities. Hope in life working out. Hope was strengthened in me through these forums and Al-anon.

As my husband and I have lived apart, I was able to fully let go this time, one step at a time. He hit bottom (one of many) and reached out for help for himself this time. I'm still living in my own home now.

http://www.al-anon.org/

Who Are Al-Anon Members?

Al-Anon members are people, just like you, who are worried about someone with a drinking problem.


Has Your Life Been Affected By Someone Else’s Drinking?

If someone close to you, such as a family member, friend, coworker, or neighbor, has or has had a drinking problem, Al-Anon may help.

To help you decide if Al-Anon could help you, we offer three simple self-assessment quizzes:

For adults who have been affected by someone else’s alcoholism

For adults who grew up with and affected by someone else’s alcoholism

For teens who have been affected by someone else’s alcoholism

The questions in these quizzes are not meant to judge anyone or to assign labels to important people in our lives. The purpose of the questions is simply to help decide whether Al-Anon or Alateen might be able to help.


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Beachn, I'm sorry for what you're going through. I'm very glad you're here.

Thanks
 

Alcoholism and abusive behaviors aren't things a person suddenly "snaps out of".

What's your next step? Asking your wife to leave? Getting your kids and yourself out of there for a week or two, so you have space to think more clearly?

Two weeks and the cost of a hotel, an airbnb or staying with safe friends or family can be really good, much needed therapy.

Good luck. We get it. We understand.

Hi Beachn and welcome. Detox doesn't have to be expensive, there is no reason she can't visit her GP and come up with a plan for detox or go to the ER.

If she is asking for detox I think that is a good investment. I'm not talking about rehab, maybe that is something she needs to sort out for herself.

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. I second all the suggestions that you read the threads in the "stickies" section and please read around the forum too. Alcoholism is complicated, as you well know.

Here’s the thing, alcoholism is lifelong not just something you snap out of. If she finds sobriety she will have to work on keeping that sobriety each and every day for the rest of her life.

.

The first causality of addiction is the truth………..trust your instincts because they will never fail you. If it doesn’t feel right, it's not.

Is her interest in detox because you threatened divorce?

If you want to know if an addict is real about something tell them no and stick to it then see what direction they go in. Anyone serious about changing their lives will do so all by themselves despite what the outcome of a marriage, relationship, job etc. will be. And when they blame you for their need to drink or blame you for not supporting them, they are usually not serious about real recovery but trying to manipulate the situation.

detox is a short 3 or so day period of time where the individual is supervised during withdrawal.
rehab/treatment is the longer and much more expensive component.

i'd say if three trips in six months didn't do it, then a 4th trip in 7 isn't going to either. the SOLUTION is the same.....don't drink, no matter what, and use all the tools and resources to prevent relapse.

let's worry just a little less about HER. the universe has been circling around her and her "problems" long enough. let her figure some stuff out on her own. if she's a big enough gal to flirt/cheat/drink etc, then she can hike up her big girl panties and start fighting for her own sobriety.

you must bring your focus back to you and the kids and re-creating a sane safe happy homelife. without the trainwreck in the living room.

Beach......do you know the difference between "detoxification" and "rehabilitation"?
Detoxification is the medical management of the withdrawl symptoms after the person has stopped drinking.....usually a few days in a medical facility, or, at least, under the direction of a physician....
Rehabilitation is the treatment after the detox period...often in a facility for this purpose.....
However...rehabilitation as you describe it, is not absolutely necessary...even though it can be helpful....for the motivated.
Many people get into recovery by a supervised detox period, accompanied by 90 meetings of AA in 90 days.....AA is free...except for a small donation, if possible.
It might be helpful for your wife to plan her recovery program with the guidance of a trained alcoholism counselor...especially one who has several years of recovery under their own belt!
We can't know what all your wife needs...or even if she might have an additional co-occurring condition, in addition to the obvious alcoholism.....
This falls into the realm of persons who are trained to evaluate her...like psychologist, psychiatrist, counselors trained in alcoholism/addictions.....as well as the support of the members of AA and a sponsor, on a day to ay basis.....
it is not absolutely necessary to spend thousands of dollars, out of pocket, on expensive rehabilitation facilities.....
If she has been in three rehabs, already, it is likely that she knows where to find the help...if she really wats it....
If she doesn't want it...you will have to do what you have got to do to protect your self and the children......even if you never thought you would have to go this route,,,,,

Rehabilitation facilities do not have magic wands.....they can only prepare a person to begin the road to recovery, for those who are so motivated.....

Beach...here is an article from that list of 100 ...that I gave you, in my other post....
It is a pretty good yardstick...…

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html


In addition....a book that is most often recommended, on this forum is "Co-dependent No More".....it has become a classic in recovery circles. You can find it on amazon.com, or the local library......It is an easy read, and you will, undoubtedly, find a lot of it resonating with you....I highly recommend it.....

You say that all of this is "screwing with your head"...….of course it is. Dealing with an active alcoholic can turn a person inside out...and, it can take you down, if you let it.....
Get the help and support that you need.....
Alanon and a counselor for yourself (in addition to the education) is the beginning step......for you!
Keep reading, and keep posting......