Wife worse after rehab for alcoholism
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I know I can’t control her, but she apparently can’t control herself, and the professionals she is working with need to recognize the extent of her mental deterioration and the danger she is to herself. This situation is scary, I don’t want her to die.
Each alcoholic is different in their own right yet most share similar character traits which are not new to those professionals as they are new to you.
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Join Date: Dec 2018
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Has there been any indication of her experiencing Childhood Sexual Abuse?
Often the memories begin surfacing decades later when something occurs in a persons life that "reminds" them of the abuse... like thier daughter turning the age they were when it happened, or a spouse becoming too close emotionally, or a bunch of other triggers.
Happened to my wife. Her brother did something that really bothered her and bam - she remembered him *********** when she was 8 and their parents had gone out for the evening... he was 13.
She had a physically violent reaction, slept for 18 hours then began the drinking...
It's possible she wont tell you however YOU have become the abuser in her mind and voila... total dissonance of what her life has been and who she was. She has now changed into a different person.
Often the memories begin surfacing decades later when something occurs in a persons life that "reminds" them of the abuse... like thier daughter turning the age they were when it happened, or a spouse becoming too close emotionally, or a bunch of other triggers.
Happened to my wife. Her brother did something that really bothered her and bam - she remembered him *********** when she was 8 and their parents had gone out for the evening... he was 13.
She had a physically violent reaction, slept for 18 hours then began the drinking...
It's possible she wont tell you however YOU have become the abuser in her mind and voila... total dissonance of what her life has been and who she was. She has now changed into a different person.
Last edited by Morning Glory; 04-26-2019 at 10:57 AM. Reason: TMI
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I would be VERY careful of even saying it's possible that something like this may have happened. Situations vary from one person to the next.
Originally Posted by endofmyrope65 
Has there been any indication of her experiencing Childhood Sexual Abuse?
Often the memories begin surfacing decades later when something occurs in a persons life that "reminds" them of the abuse... like thier daughter turning the age they were when it happened, or a spouse becoming too close emotionally, or a bunch of other triggers.
Happened to my wife. Her brother did something that really bothered her and bam - she remembered him********* when she was 8 and their parents had gone out for the evening... he was 13.
She had a physically violent reaction, slept for 18 hours then began the drinking...
It's possible she wont tell you however YOU have become the abuser in her mind and voila... total dissonance of what her life has been and who she was. She has now changed into a different person.
Often the memories begin surfacing decades later when something occurs in a persons life that "reminds" them of the abuse... like thier daughter turning the age they were when it happened, or a spouse becoming too close emotionally, or a bunch of other triggers.
Happened to my wife. Her brother did something that really bothered her and bam - she remembered him********* when she was 8 and their parents had gone out for the evening... he was 13.
She had a physically violent reaction, slept for 18 hours then began the drinking...
It's possible she wont tell you however YOU have become the abuser in her mind and voila... total dissonance of what her life has been and who she was. She has now changed into a different person.
Last edited by Morning Glory; 04-26-2019 at 10:58 AM. Reason: TMI
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If you truly believe the professionals are not giving her the treatment she needs you have the option of seeking a second and third opinion (if she will comply with that).
Alternately, have you discussed with them the possibility of having her committed to a facility?
I tend to agree with atalose that they know more than you see and their method of treatment may not be to rush headlong in, healing, therapy, drugs, all take time to work and assess. If your patient is not complying with their treatment (unwilling to give up drinking) they can no more force her to stop than you or anyone else can.
Unfortunately there is no magic wand here.
I say this kindly, I don't know your wife but I don't want anything bad to happen to her either.
Perhaps think what you would want her to do for you if the situation were reversed. Would you want her to have you committed?
Short of that all you can do is what you are doing, getting her treatment and perhaps a second opinion. You cannot save her if she does not want to be saved, unfortunately.
Alternately, have you discussed with them the possibility of having her committed to a facility?
I tend to agree with atalose that they know more than you see and their method of treatment may not be to rush headlong in, healing, therapy, drugs, all take time to work and assess. If your patient is not complying with their treatment (unwilling to give up drinking) they can no more force her to stop than you or anyone else can.
Unfortunately there is no magic wand here.
I say this kindly, I don't know your wife but I don't want anything bad to happen to her either.
Perhaps think what you would want her to do for you if the situation were reversed. Would you want her to have you committed?
Short of that all you can do is what you are doing, getting her treatment and perhaps a second opinion. You cannot save her if she does not want to be saved, unfortunately.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
If you truly believe the professionals are not giving her the treatment she needs you have the option of seeking a second and third opinion (if she will comply with that).
Alternately, have you discussed with them the possibility of having her committed to a facility?
I tend to agree with atalose that they know more than you see and their method of treatment may not be to rush headlong in, healing, therapy, drugs, all take time to work and assess. If your patient is not complying with their treatment (unwilling to give up drinking) they can no more force her to stop than you or anyone else can.
Unfortunately there is no magic wand here.
I say this kindly, I don't know your wife but I don't want anything bad to happen to her either.
Perhaps think what you would want her to do for you if the situation were reversed. Would you want her to have you committed?
Short of that all you can do is what you are doing, getting her treatment and perhaps a second opinion. You cannot save her if she does not want to be saved, unfortunately.
Alternately, have you discussed with them the possibility of having her committed to a facility?
I tend to agree with atalose that they know more than you see and their method of treatment may not be to rush headlong in, healing, therapy, drugs, all take time to work and assess. If your patient is not complying with their treatment (unwilling to give up drinking) they can no more force her to stop than you or anyone else can.
Unfortunately there is no magic wand here.
I say this kindly, I don't know your wife but I don't want anything bad to happen to her either.
Perhaps think what you would want her to do for you if the situation were reversed. Would you want her to have you committed?
Short of that all you can do is what you are doing, getting her treatment and perhaps a second opinion. You cannot save her if she does not want to be saved, unfortunately.
After speaking with her physician I am confident they know what is going on with her but they were not rushing it because they didn’t know she was drinking again, along with certain other erratic behaviors How could the treat her properly when she is withholding critical information and she didn’t want me speaking with them? Impossible. Imagine that.
Unless they know everything mistakes are going to be made. They spend 50 minutes a week each with her, I have to deal with this the other 23 hours and see behavior they couldn’t possibly know about and were not informed of. They had no idea she was drinking again. None. She can manipulate like nothing I’ve ever seen. Decades of experience and they buy the bs.
I called due to a crisis and they were shocked by what they didn’t know. Why they didn’t call me prior for more feedback is beyond me. I get the impression she was scapegoating me and I was designated the bad guy. At the same time telling me she was being completely honest with them.
Like you said..she must want to save herself, I can’t do it.
On a side note, ketamine treatment is a damn miracle. It’s not easy or cheap but I have a greater clarity and confidence regarding all of this chaos, my limits, who I am...in a very long time. I am experiencing greater patience, but also less tolerance.
I am not living, nor allow my children to live in such a chaotic and dangerous environment. There is no way this can continue and at the same time I’m not adding to it by getting angry or dealing with it in the extremely unhealthy ways I was prior. I’m going to let the Drs do their jobs to calm the storm. If she’s compliant and cooperative with treatment there will be obvious progress, if not so be it.
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Originally Posted by velma929
In one of local point-of-view weekly newspapers, one former 'addiction counselor' wrote about her experience. She thought it quite humorous to get high with patients. When she wasn't AT work, she thought it was funny to get high with former patients. Many who seek out jobs in these places probably go in with the best of intentions, but peer counseling isn't the solution for everything. Some haven't been sober very long or haven't had a secure grip on sobriety, ever. A couple former colleagues got jobs with one of those online colleges; At least they were warned that just because someone is newly sober, doesn't make them good candidates for a drug rehab counseling career.
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Originally Posted by hopeful4
Beach....I get that red hot anger. Do I ever. I lived in that state of mind for a long time, until I finally realized that the stress and anger were changing me into someone I did not want to be. It damaged my children, and myself.
It sounds like outside of this you are doing some great things to take care of yourself and your children. Bravo for that. Continue to take good care of you. You will eventually realize that the why does not matter, that it only really matters to look at current actions and react accordingly. You cannot control the why, or her actions.
It's very healthy to vent, and I am glad you are doing that, and educating yourself. All great stuff.
Big hugs to you.
It sounds like outside of this you are doing some great things to take care of yourself and your children. Bravo for that. Continue to take good care of you. You will eventually realize that the why does not matter, that it only really matters to look at current actions and react accordingly. You cannot control the why, or her actions.
It's very healthy to vent, and I am glad you are doing that, and educating yourself. All great stuff.
Big hugs to you.
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Originally Posted by atalose
I’d bet the house on the fact that those professionals are far more aware of her situation then you imagine they are.
Each alcoholic is different in their own right yet most share similar character traits which are not new to those professionals as they are new to you.
Each alcoholic is different in their own right yet most share similar character traits which are not new to those professionals as they are new to you.
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Posts: 8,644
Originally Posted by Beachn
After speaking with her physician I am confident they know what is going on with her but they were not rushing it because they didn’t know she was drinking again.
Lying by addicts is addiction 101. Why are they not drug testing her?
This makes no sense.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
How long have they been seeing her? If the people, this group of people, are supposed to be treating your wife for her addiction and they don't understand that addicts LIE about their use, it may well be a good time to seek other opinions/care options perhaps?
Lying by addicts is addiction 101. Why are they not drug testing her?
This makes no sense.
Lying by addicts is addiction 101. Why are they not drug testing her?
This makes no sense.
When I say she came out of rehab a different person, I am not exaggerating in any way. A complete transformation. She’s like a rebellious teenager from the hood. More like the people she was in there with than who she was prior. I saw her personality for all of 30 minutes the other day, and then it was gone.
When I say I’m worried about her dying I mean it. Her erratic behavior will inevitably place her in great physical danger...again. She has gotten lucky so far, but that luck cannot hold. There is far, far, more going on than the addiction. What the hell happened to her in there may never be known.
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Beachn…..I propose that it might be possible that the "forced"---necessary sobriety of her first days in rehab...might have allowed the mental condition or mental illness that was already there...and, for which , she may have been self-medicating with the alcohol....became unmasked.....
I imagine that it is easier to blame the staff at the rehab and the doctors that she has...than to face the true reality of the situation and the condition of your wife.....
After denial...then, comes awareness, and, then, comes acceptance...…
After full acceptance...comes action......
I imagine that it is easier to blame the staff at the rehab and the doctors that she has...than to face the true reality of the situation and the condition of your wife.....
After denial...then, comes awareness, and, then, comes acceptance...…
After full acceptance...comes action......
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They did not ask you because she has a right to privacy, and she had not released them speaking to you. So they had to treat her the best they could, with what information she was giving them. This is again where it comes in that she has to want to be well, or she won't.
You are doing good Beach, hang in there.
You are doing good Beach, hang in there.
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Originally Posted by Beachn
She is still a very attractive and intelligent woman and did not fit in, until she did, and became queen of rehab. Seriously, there were no less than 10 people blowing up her phone upon discharge. Throw in 2 prior detoxes in less than 3 months and the shame/guilt of practically abandoning her children and is this what you get?
Still, how do you not keep your focus on getting clean when you have 2 young children at home that are visiting you every damn week, with your spouse, as a reminder of what’s important. I don’t get it. Crazy making.
Other people look around and think "well, my drinking/drugging problem isn't so bad, I'm not nearly as screwed up as these people so I don't actually need to change much".
The latter response tends to come from people who are attractive, charismatic, smartest-person-in-every-room types, who easily slide into feelings of superiority because they've figured out how to play the game. My ex was one of those - he was great at group sessions, knew exactly what to say, and when he left rehab he was "mentoring" half a dozen other addicts (and sleeping with a meth addict half his age on the down-low). But he went back to drinking pretty much immediately.
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I've been thinking the same as dandylion.
You know in a movie when the person comes back from - the jungle, forest - wherever and they are mute and traumatized and someone will say, what did he see out there??
Not to be disrespectful of her condition, but it's one way of thinking of it. Whatever she "saw" changed something for her. Whether that was an onset of mental health issues, whether it dredged up whatever she has been drinking to escape, no way to know.
I hope there is a breakthrough for her for the good soon.
You know in a movie when the person comes back from - the jungle, forest - wherever and they are mute and traumatized and someone will say, what did he see out there??
Not to be disrespectful of her condition, but it's one way of thinking of it. Whatever she "saw" changed something for her. Whether that was an onset of mental health issues, whether it dredged up whatever she has been drinking to escape, no way to know.
I hope there is a breakthrough for her for the good soon.
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What happens between you and your wife is up to you guys. But what happens to the kids, you could end up being held to account for. Both of you could loose them altogether.
Don't leave them alone with her, ever.
That's my best instinct ... I know how hard it is to leave, btdt, but you have a choice and your little one's don't.
Please, rethink your options.
Don't leave them alone with her, ever.
That's my best instinct ... I know how hard it is to leave, btdt, but you have a choice and your little one's don't.
Please, rethink your options.
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Beachn, we can't diagnose your wife or provide medical advice over the internet. I can only begin to imagine how stressful this has been.
Are the doctors she is seeing with the rehab center? If they are, do you think she would be open to seeing a counselor or psychologist independent of the facility?
Are the doctors she is seeing with the rehab center? If they are, do you think she would be open to seeing a counselor or psychologist independent of the facility?
Last edited by Seren; 04-30-2019 at 02:40 AM.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
I've been thinking the same as dandylion.
You know in a movie when the person comes back from - the jungle, forest - wherever and they are mute and traumatized and someone will say, what did he see out there??
Not to be disrespectful of her condition, but it's one way of thinking of it. Whatever she "saw" changed something for her. Whether that was an onset of mental health issues, whether it dredged up whatever she has been drinking to escape, no way to know.
I hope there is a breakthrough for her for the good soon.
You know in a movie when the person comes back from - the jungle, forest - wherever and they are mute and traumatized and someone will say, what did he see out there??
Not to be disrespectful of her condition, but it's one way of thinking of it. Whatever she "saw" changed something for her. Whether that was an onset of mental health issues, whether it dredged up whatever she has been drinking to escape, no way to know.
I hope there is a breakthrough for her for the good soon.
Originally Posted by Pajama62
What happens between you and your wife is up to you guys. But what happens to the kids, you could end up being held to account for. Both of you could loose them altogether.
Don't leave them alone with her, ever.
That's my best instinct ... I know how hard it is to leave, btdt, but you have a choice and your little one's don't.
Please, rethink your options.
Don't leave them alone with her, ever.
That's my best instinct ... I know how hard it is to leave, btdt, but you have a choice and your little one's don't.
Please, rethink your options.
Still fighting for her, meeting with her Dr.’s this week with her.
For the record she signed a release for me day one, so there is no excuse why I wasn’t contacted by her Dr and therapist.
Originally Posted by Seren
Beachn, we can't diagnose your wife or provide medical advice over the internet. I can only begin to imagine how stressful this has been.
Are the doctors she is seeing with the rehab center? If they are, do you think she would be open to seeing a counselor or psychologist independent of the facility?
Are the doctors she is seeing with the rehab center? If they are, do you think she would be open to seeing a counselor or psychologist independent of the facility?
Not asking anyone to diagnose, just putting this out into the world so that others understand that going to rehab is not the cure all. In fact I would say be very very careful where you go or send your loved ones. Pretty brochures, slick salesmen and a modern facility does not a quality rehab make. The staff messed with her head in there. Startling her dozens of times by walking up to her and yelling her name when she was by herself doing something like a puzzle or laundry. One male staff member snuck up behind her and wrapped his arms around her in a bear hug causing her to have panic attack. This is abuse and it seems deliberate.
Dandylion pretty much nailed it. She is highly intelligent, beautiful, charismatic and full of crap with a superiority complex toward other addicts. That is until they drilled it into her head that she was just like the other patients. I promise you these were screwed up folks, some of the worst I have ever encountered in my life. Just plain ruined by life and addiction. She befriended a hooker. A damn hooker.
I was so angry and confused by her actions in and out of rehab that I verbally attacked and interrogated her on the daily for what she did to us. Huge mistake. My prior posts clearly demonstrate how angry I was. Had I known there was a serious mental disorder that never would have happened and now she is blaming that on her relapse. Sucks to do so many things right and still screw up. What a cruel joke.
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