Wife worse after rehab for alcoholism
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 170
Hi Alice and everyone...
Well it’s been a whirlwind and I’m exhausted from it all. Especially the first 3 months of the year. I swear all the years prior were just a warm up for the chaos that ensued when she entered and exited rehab. The things I have learned that went on by staff and patient alike is unbelievable.
I strongly advise anyone entering or investigating a rehab or the idea of entering one to think long and hard about what you or your loved one is going to be exposed to. Entering rehab is effectively voluntary (or in some cases not so voluntary) institutionalization. The patients aren’t there because they partied a little too hard. These are addicts, hardcore addicts. Heroin, alcohol, meth, coke, suboxone, Etc. many with co occurring disorders. Anxiety, depression, bipolar, borderline, the dark triad, including antisocial\sociopathy.
Think of the behaviors that will manifest in early withdrawal, on new medications, forced to face their actions and decisions for perhaps the first time and do it all in 30 days surrounded by other addicts that just want a fix...Any fix. Of the 10 addicts I met there, all but one relapsed. Most in a week, some in days, some hours. A couple are dead. Talking with the nurses is enlightening, the “dumb ones” get better quick.
Weird thing for her to say, but I think what she meant is those that didn’t know what to do, but wanted sobriety obtained useful tools, the repeat offenders knew what to do, but refused. Alcoholism thinks it can outsmart everything, even treatment. Addiction finds a way to survive.
My life has changed in ways I never imagined or wanted. I live with a stranger now that was once my wife. Rehab exposed her to people she would have never met. Saw things, learned things, did things that she never would have prior. At least I don’t believe so. The staff hitting on patients, patients having sex in the bathroom, back of the bus on the way to AA. Techs, addicts themselves, discussing their oral sex skills. Etc etc. 45K down the drain.
I ever find myself in this position, I’m going to detox, then I’m going to rent a cabin in remote Montana for a month or 2, bring lots of books, pen paper, music, plenty of food and a satellite phone, hell I’ll even bring a therapist. Work intensely and save $10k and the brutality of being submersed in the world of seasoned addicts.
The cleanest of facilities is still filled with the disease of addiction and it’s contagious in ways I never imagined.
I strongly advise anyone entering or investigating a rehab or the idea of entering one to think long and hard about what you or your loved one is going to be exposed to. Entering rehab is effectively voluntary (or in some cases not so voluntary) institutionalization. The patients aren’t there because they partied a little too hard. These are addicts, hardcore addicts. Heroin, alcohol, meth, coke, suboxone, Etc. many with co occurring disorders. Anxiety, depression, bipolar, borderline, the dark triad, including antisocial\sociopathy.
Think of the behaviors that will manifest in early withdrawal, on new medications, forced to face their actions and decisions for perhaps the first time and do it all in 30 days surrounded by other addicts that just want a fix...Any fix. Of the 10 addicts I met there, all but one relapsed. Most in a week, some in days, some hours. A couple are dead. Talking with the nurses is enlightening, the “dumb ones” get better quick.
Weird thing for her to say, but I think what she meant is those that didn’t know what to do, but wanted sobriety obtained useful tools, the repeat offenders knew what to do, but refused. Alcoholism thinks it can outsmart everything, even treatment. Addiction finds a way to survive.
My life has changed in ways I never imagined or wanted. I live with a stranger now that was once my wife. Rehab exposed her to people she would have never met. Saw things, learned things, did things that she never would have prior. At least I don’t believe so. The staff hitting on patients, patients having sex in the bathroom, back of the bus on the way to AA. Techs, addicts themselves, discussing their oral sex skills. Etc etc. 45K down the drain.
I ever find myself in this position, I’m going to detox, then I’m going to rent a cabin in remote Montana for a month or 2, bring lots of books, pen paper, music, plenty of food and a satellite phone, hell I’ll even bring a therapist. Work intensely and save $10k and the brutality of being submersed in the world of seasoned addicts.
The cleanest of facilities is still filled with the disease of addiction and it’s contagious in ways I never imagined.
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 182
First off thank you for posting your story, it helps you to put it into words and it helps others to read them.
I'm sorry you and your children have to go through this but there are things you can do to protect your children and yourself from your wife. Finding Alanon for yourself would help you realize that your not alone in this.
I hope you find peace, Action
I'm sorry you and your children have to go through this but there are things you can do to protect your children and yourself from your wife. Finding Alanon for yourself would help you realize that your not alone in this.
I hope you find peace, Action
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by Beachn 
I live with a stranger now that was once my wife. Rehab exposed her to people she would have never met. Saw things, learned things, did things that she never would have prior. At least I don’t believe so.
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 170
Originally Posted by FallenAngelina
Keep in mind, too, that addiction changes people - often forever, even when there is recovery. Your wife's rehab surely was not a healthy environment, but perhaps you are seeing aspects of your wife now that you and your family did not allow yourselves to see before and the rehab is a safe entity on which you can place the blame for all of her changes. All of us miss the great person we used to know and whom we believe is still underneath the alcoholism, yet the sad fact is that addiction changes people. The loved one we once knew is often never to be seen again.
Thanks for this. Certain behaviors\traits were magnified once the addiction took hold and in rehab they just took over. Complete lack of empathy, manipulative, lying. I’m still in shock.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
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In one of local point-of-view weekly newspapers, one former 'addiction counselor' wrote about her experience. She thought it quite humorous to get high with patients. When she wasn't AT work, she thought it was funny to get high with former patients. Many who seek out jobs in these places probably go in with the best of intentions, but peer counseling isn't the solution for everything. Some haven't been sober very long or haven't had a secure grip on sobriety, ever. A couple former colleagues got jobs with one of those online colleges; At least they were warned that just because someone is newly sober, doesn't make them good candidates for a drug rehab counseling career.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
Beachn
That's the ugly side. It's all what you want it to be. My personal view is that a person who goes to rehab and stays sober/clean for life is about 5%.
I'm 27 years sober, had a wife who went back out and paid the price with her life. Her choice and multiple rehabs. The thing is, what is your next move? You can't 'fix' someone as you aren't God and they are an adult. No doubt you are learning by fire hose while still in the burning house. Isn't it time to save your life and your kids emotional welfare?
AG
That's the ugly side. It's all what you want it to be. My personal view is that a person who goes to rehab and stays sober/clean for life is about 5%.
I'm 27 years sober, had a wife who went back out and paid the price with her life. Her choice and multiple rehabs. The thing is, what is your next move? You can't 'fix' someone as you aren't God and they are an adult. No doubt you are learning by fire hose while still in the burning house. Isn't it time to save your life and your kids emotional welfare?
AG
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by AlwaysGrowing
Beachn
That's the ugly side. It's all what you want it to be. My personal view is that a person who goes to rehab and stays sober/clean for life is about 5%.
AG
That's the ugly side. It's all what you want it to be. My personal view is that a person who goes to rehab and stays sober/clean for life is about 5%.
AG
theres an ugly side to the posh, golf course,zen and meditate rehabs just as there are the state funded inner city rehabs.
ive seen successes come from both. seems they were selfish enough at the right time to not be influenced by what others were doing at the rehabs.
ones who jump into the chaos and drama? not the best of chance for recovery.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,436
Seems like your anger and resentment continues to grow and her condition deteriorates--what kind of environment is this for kids?
This can scar them for life--I grew up with an addicted alcoholic mother and didn't have a choice to get away. Neither do you kids unless you make the tough choices and act.
So sorry for what you have gone through Beachn--addiction destroys lives not only of the addict, but families suffer so much as well.
This can scar them for life--I grew up with an addicted alcoholic mother and didn't have a choice to get away. Neither do you kids unless you make the tough choices and act.
So sorry for what you have gone through Beachn--addiction destroys lives not only of the addict, but families suffer so much as well.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Beachn…...rehabs aside...there are other ways that people can get into treatment.....(and I am pretty sure that you already know this...lol)…..
But, for the sake of discussion or reminder....
There are outpatient programs, where the person lives at home and attend during the day.....
for those who may be dual-diagnosis....there are day treatment programs which are sponsored by the mental health section of some hospitals....
(due to the very strict guidelines by licensing agents...you won't find any ?funny stuff" going on, there....
In addition to outpatient program...the alcoholic has the freedom to have their own doctor....for diagnosis, medications, etc....and, any health management...
The alcoholic can also avail themselves of any additional alcoholism counselors...therapist....life coach, etc....
Most important of all, there is the availability of AA....24/7 in many places....
Is there any reason that your wife cannot construct a program for her self...from the banquet of resources like the ones that I just mentioned?
Even if you all were as poor as church mice....Millions have gotten sober with the help of AA.....which is, essentially. free.....
But, for the sake of discussion or reminder....
There are outpatient programs, where the person lives at home and attend during the day.....
for those who may be dual-diagnosis....there are day treatment programs which are sponsored by the mental health section of some hospitals....
(due to the very strict guidelines by licensing agents...you won't find any ?funny stuff" going on, there....
In addition to outpatient program...the alcoholic has the freedom to have their own doctor....for diagnosis, medications, etc....and, any health management...
The alcoholic can also avail themselves of any additional alcoholism counselors...therapist....life coach, etc....
Most important of all, there is the availability of AA....24/7 in many places....
Is there any reason that your wife cannot construct a program for her self...from the banquet of resources like the ones that I just mentioned?
Even if you all were as poor as church mice....Millions have gotten sober with the help of AA.....which is, essentially. free.....
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I know after reflection when my XAH went to rehab, I did more research and the only one I would ever put a stamp of approval on is the Betty Ford Center for both the addict and the family.
Ultimately though, if an addict wants to get clean they will, if they don't, they won't.
Ultimately though, if an addict wants to get clean they will, if they don't, they won't.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Beachn…..several years ago, I was treated to several days of exploring Hazelden Treatment Center, in St. Paul, Minnesota.....I was allowed to sit in on some groups, and attend all open sessions...and talk to anyone that I wanted....
(I had referred several patients there...including my own sister-in-law)….
I must say that it was a great experience and it was state of the art....
***I notice that it is called Hazelden Betty ford, now....there must have been some kind of merger.....
The following in a link...just so that you can see....
https://www.hazelden.org/
(I had referred several patients there...including my own sister-in-law)….
I must say that it was a great experience and it was state of the art....
***I notice that it is called Hazelden Betty ford, now....there must have been some kind of merger.....
The following in a link...just so that you can see....
https://www.hazelden.org/
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 170
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
Seems like your anger and resentment continues to grow and her condition deteriorates--what kind of environment is this for kids?
This can scar them for life--I grew up with an addicted alcoholic mother and didn't have a choice to get away. Neither do you kids unless you make the tough choices and act.
So sorry for what you have gone through Beachn--addiction destroys lives not only of the addict, but families suffer so much as well.
This can scar them for life--I grew up with an addicted alcoholic mother and didn't have a choice to get away. Neither do you kids unless you make the tough choices and act.
So sorry for what you have gone through Beachn--addiction destroys lives not only of the addict, but families suffer so much as well.
When you hand over your loved one to a facility to look after them, care for them and yes supervise them and to discover the facility is poorly managed (to say the least) it’s not so easy to get over. And I paid cash.
The locked doors are a ruse, the real danger in that facility is who is locked in and looking after and the what that happens behind them. Addiction creates predators and opportunists and predators become addicts because they can’t control themselves, particularly when they’re bored. 6 of 1 half dozen of the other. Staff and patient alike. Not all, but it doesn’t have to be does it?
This system sucks. Hiring “recovering” addicts to look after addicts is bs and dangerous. That’s my opinion. Give me someone normal to show me what normal looks like and I bet the results would improve dramatically. The only people I know that can stand being around addicts are addicts. So maybe that’s the staffing problem, can’t pay the non addicts enough to deal with that level of crazy and the addicts that work there can’t get a job anywhere else and are cheap labor. It’s a theory.
My children are my first priority, which means I must be healthy. And I am working my ass off to get there while keeping them safe. The wife is trying, half assed in some ways, but trying nonetheless. I’m not holding out hope, I’m taking care of me so I can take care of my children, forever alone if need be. Everyone that matters and can and will help by love or money is ready for any and every contingency.
Don't need al anon or therapy to know what I need to do. I’ve learned more from you and the other members on this forum and the stickies than I have from 2 dozen meetings. It doesn’t get anymore real than the bloody bytes this place is built on.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
Originally Posted by Beachn
Don't need al anon or therapy to know what I need to do. I’ve learned more from you and the other members on this forum and the stickies than I have from 2 dozen meetings. It doesn’t get anymore real than the bloody bytes this place is built on.
You don't know what you don't know.....
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Beachn
This system sucks. Hiring “recovering” addicts to look after addicts is bs and dangerous. That’s my opinion. Give me someone normal to show me what normal looks like and I bet the results would improve dramatically.
i wouldnt listen to jack **** what some "normal" person had to tell me. a "normal person wouldnt know what i should do to forgive myself for being responsible for the death of another human while i was drunk. a "normal" person wouldnt have lived with insecurities and fears,know how to face them,learn from them, and change. a "normal" person wouldnt know crap about what an alkie/addict has gone through and how they can change.
"just do it" doesnt work.
i knew MANY "normal" people when i was drinking and even since i got clean/sober. not one of them knows crap about how to get out from under addiction/alcoholism.
thats my opinion from living it on both sides.
show me what open heart surgery looks like. POOF-i can do it!
if you feel like blaming the staff,thats your choice.every single addict and alcoholic has to take responsibility for their own recovery. they have to hold themselves accountable for their actions.
one of my favorite songs:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qA1nGPM9yHA
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
as someone who became a crack addict in her 40s, i can state unequivocally that a "normal" person does not know what it is like to dig the crack pipe OUT of the garbage and try to get one more hit. more than once.
i knew what "normal" was, that just wasn't my "concern" at the time. i was in the grip of an extremely powerful drug that told me this WAS normal. and in the moment, i could not possibly make another choice.
fortunately, those who at least try to seek recovery, with motivation and utter desperation, there are moments of clarity. and for those fortunate or desperate enough, that clarity can light the way. for the rest, the circus music plays on.
i knew what "normal" was, that just wasn't my "concern" at the time. i was in the grip of an extremely powerful drug that told me this WAS normal. and in the moment, i could not possibly make another choice.
fortunately, those who at least try to seek recovery, with motivation and utter desperation, there are moments of clarity. and for those fortunate or desperate enough, that clarity can light the way. for the rest, the circus music plays on.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 170
Originally Posted by tomsteve
ill reply to this being a recovered alkie/addict:
i wouldnt listen to jack **** what some "normal" person had to tell me. a "normal person wouldnt know what i should do to forgive myself for being responsible for the death of another human while i was drunk. a "normal" person wouldnt have lived with insecurities and fears,know how to face them,learn from them, and change. a "normal" person wouldnt know crap about what an alkie/addict has gone through and how they can change.
"just do it" doesnt work.
i knew MANY "normal" people when i was drinking and even since i got clean/sober. not one of them knows crap about how to get out from under addiction/alcoholism.
thats my opinion from living it on both sides.
show me what open heart surgery looks like. POOF-i can do it!
if you feel like blaming the staff,thats your choice.every single addict and alcoholic has to take responsibility for their own recovery. they have to hold themselves accountable for their actions.
one of my favorite songs:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qA1nGPM9yHA
i wouldnt listen to jack **** what some "normal" person had to tell me. a "normal person wouldnt know what i should do to forgive myself for being responsible for the death of another human while i was drunk. a "normal" person wouldnt have lived with insecurities and fears,know how to face them,learn from them, and change. a "normal" person wouldnt know crap about what an alkie/addict has gone through and how they can change.
"just do it" doesnt work.
i knew MANY "normal" people when i was drinking and even since i got clean/sober. not one of them knows crap about how to get out from under addiction/alcoholism.
thats my opinion from living it on both sides.
show me what open heart surgery looks like. POOF-i can do it!
if you feel like blaming the staff,thats your choice.every single addict and alcoholic has to take responsibility for their own recovery. they have to hold themselves accountable for their actions.
one of my favorite songs:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qA1nGPM9yHA
ok...I understand your viewpoint. Maybe it’s just this facility and I’m a judgmental a-hole.
This is is what I experienced at this place as a family member. 7 days in, 2 after completing detox, I bring our children to family day. I attend the group counseling session. My wife is already acting like someone else, I’m not even sure how to describe it without sounding like a jerk, but street saavy. Unreal.
A personality transformation. Both verbally and in body language. Scared the crap out of me. As I’m leaving with our kids I ask one of the staff about after care programs because it’s obvious 30 days isn’t going to be enough or whatever the hell I was thinking.
Suddenly some man that is not my wife’s counselor whom I have never met asks to speak with me. Pulls me into an office and spends 20 minutes telling me crap that is off the charts.
Tells me my woman picker is broken, my wife is only with me because of daddy issues, I date only alcoholics, put me in a room with 100 women and if 3 were alcoholics I’d leave with one of them. I’m like what the hell?
He then goes on to ask about the status of my blood pressure, my prostate, and tries to find out if I’ve cheated on my wife ( I haven’t) and on it goes. At first my complaints to the director went unanswered, then he’s going to be fired, who knows. I complained to the state. It felt like an attempt to get information for some reason or another. The guy that pulled this crap? a recovering addict.
From that point forward things only got worse. I watched the head of their techs (recovering addict) stick her booted foot in a patients face laughing, Saw patients scambling for snacks like roaches and then hoard them in their rooms. Lighter rules broken, fraternizing rampant.
Staff would intentionally startle my wife. Sneak up and yell her name, walk up behind her and grab her. 2 staff one male and one female (both recovering addicts) They didn’t do this to any other patient. Why her? Because she’s pretty? Has anxiety? Didn’t like me? Why? Who does crap like that? It’s evil.
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
as someone who became a crack addict in her 40s, i can state unequivocally that a "normal" person does not know what it is like to dig the crack pipe OUT of the garbage and try to get one more hit. more than once.
i knew what "normal" was, that just wasn't my "concern" at the time. i was in the grip of an extremely powerful drug that told me this WAS normal. and in the moment, i could not possibly make another choice.
fortunately, those who at least try to seek recovery, with motivation and utter desperation, there are moments of clarity. and for those fortunate or desperate enough, that clarity can light the way. for the rest, the circus music plays on.
i knew what "normal" was, that just wasn't my "concern" at the time. i was in the grip of an extremely powerful drug that told me this WAS normal. and in the moment, i could not possibly make another choice.
fortunately, those who at least try to seek recovery, with motivation and utter desperation, there are moments of clarity. and for those fortunate or desperate enough, that clarity can light the way. for the rest, the circus music plays on.
I was able to quit by surrounding myself with people that didn’t and had never smoked. I needed to see how people not addicted live, not someone that understood me and my nicotine\THC addictions and gave me a pass when I screwed up because they’ve been there. I didn’t want someone to hold me accountable, I wanted to be accountable, to me.
Anyway. Perhaps I have yet to meet healthy people in early recovery (less than 5 years ..is that right?) Because the ones I have met are messed in the head, all of them.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
It sounds like the place is a mess and a scam. That does not mean anything has changed in that your wife is who she is, she will seek recovery, or not. Many, many people send off their loved ones to rehabs that are crap, spend all their money, for nothing. It does not make it ok, however, you cannot allow that to change your focus. It was a bad experience that you lived and learned through.
Keep the focus on you and your children. Give your wife all the Celebrate Recovery and AA meeting times, both free. She has the option of reaching out for recovery, or not, and choices in rehabs are not going to change that. They are not responsible for her current behavior or addiction, she is.
I am not trying to sound harsh as I know it's painful and awful, my heart is with you.
Keep the focus on you and your children. Give your wife all the Celebrate Recovery and AA meeting times, both free. She has the option of reaching out for recovery, or not, and choices in rehabs are not going to change that. They are not responsible for her current behavior or addiction, she is.
I am not trying to sound harsh as I know it's painful and awful, my heart is with you.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
do no appreciate the snarky "less than 5 years right? comment? as if i therefore don't know my @ss from a hole in the ground. actually i have over 12 years clean now, thanks very much.
i'm sorry YOUR wife is one of THOSE addicts who rips and tears thru lives without a care, and cheats and all that other stuff. but do NOT then cast that aspersion on every other human who happens to become addicted. it's insulting and pompous...........imho.
signing off on this thread.
i'm sorry YOUR wife is one of THOSE addicts who rips and tears thru lives without a care, and cheats and all that other stuff. but do NOT then cast that aspersion on every other human who happens to become addicted. it's insulting and pompous...........imho.
signing off on this thread.
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