Wife worse after rehab for alcoholism

Old 04-18-2019, 11:53 AM
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I had missed that Anvil. Please know, Anvil has come back from the other side of addiction and is an amazing asset to both this side of the forum, and is also an asset to many addicts themselves because she can truly relate.
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Old 04-18-2019, 12:10 PM
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healthy people in early recovery (less than 5 years ..is that right?)
I thought beachn was asking if somebody would be classified as being in early recovery if he/she had only been in recovery less than 5 years. At least, that's what I'm HOPING he meant.

That said, I'll chime in on the rehab scene. One of my close relatives was in rehab, and she claims that it was exposure to people who were in similar straits that made her realize once and for all that she needed to end her addiction. She got tired of listening to people day in and day out blame everything and everyone besides themselves for their addictions, and she wanted to become someone who wasn't afraid of owning their own #$%#%. I should add that she had voluntarily disclosed her addiction and willingly attended rehab in a facility that was similar to Hazelden, so she most likely more prepared than others who were forced to attend rehab to take that journey towards recovery.
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Old 04-18-2019, 12:20 PM
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Beachn…..I will share an observation and reaction of mine....I see the conversation that you had with the staff member as a fairly typical staple of subjects that might be discussed when discussing family/relationship issues and the alcoholics condition/stage of illness. It would be common to inquire as to the effects of the alcoholism on the spouse's health, also....It would not be extreme for a counselor to point out that the alcoholic and partner (often unconsciously), interact together as in a dysfunctional "dance"....much like the steps in an Argentine Tango...
After all, you did say that you asked to speak to someone concerning an aftercare program...because it was obvious, to you, that your wife needed more than just 30 days of treatment.
Lol...it wasn't like you were walking down the street, and some guy snatched you into an alley and started talking about relationship dynamics...and all manner of stuff...like co-dependency, etc....

Now, I get it that the group experience was not like an elite tea-party.....Come on, Beachn...it wasn't intended to be that....It is a place where people as sick as your wife are being treated...shortly after their main coping mechanism in life has been removed....

I really do get it...that this must have been a great shock to you...to your core...because you were, I imagine, as frightened and angry and personally sensitive as anyone else, there....(if one could look inside your head, at that moment)….and, I am sure that every sight and sound might have been magnified, in your experience....How you experienced it is how you experienced it.....

I will share, with you, that some of the best therapists that I have seen are psychiatrists who were recovering alcoholics, themselves.....
And, you know what...If I were preparing to climb Mt. Everest, for the first time...I would want a Sherpa who had climbed that mountain several times to prepare me and guide me....(not the manager of an Appalachian Outfitters store...no matter how fashion forward and polite she/he might be...lol)….

I'm just saying.....
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Old 04-18-2019, 12:36 PM
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Originally Posted by Beachn View Post


I’ve killed all her cards, drained our joint account, and I’m killing her phone until she figures out a plan and does it. If not, those papers are going to be awfully heavy for me to carry…..

One day I’m better, one day not so much. Life shouldn’t be this complex, but here I am. My life feels like a damn escape room, and the clock is running…..

Just very concerned and because I’m so afraid of what could happen, and angry about what has, I’ve lost my damn mind…..

I need a vacation….

The anger is getting to me. I know it, can feel it changing me and I don’t like it. Not one bit……

The vacilation of emotions isn’t right, I want to be free of it and don’t know how…..

Acceptance my counselor said, this is my life right now. Accept it, be patient and let the anger go. If only I knew how to do that consistently…….

I’m gonna sit on it a few days as she puts her treatment plan together, and continue to focus on myself and the kids. I’m a firm believer that when people treat you poorly, rarely does it have anything to do with you, and everything to do with them.

stepping back and letting her family take over, she will probably leave for a few weeks, after she is detoxed. Not sure where yet. She was 30 days sober, only drinking 6, but I guess that is long enough to be right back pre rehab.

Yes I am pissed, LOL, because I am very co-dependent and it stinks. I know I’m not helping but until family arrived I didn’t trust anyone because she keeps getting worse after treatment. It’s crazy. So I hold on tighter and my anger bleeds through. I so miss her.

Beachn, I went through a difficult breakup with an addict and have moved on, after learning a ton about myself.

I’ve followed your thread but have avoided posting as you seem pretty focused on the actions and shortcomings of others rather than aspiring to actually change anything about yourself or your situation.

I’ve copied some examples of what I mean above. These sentences jump come out, every one of them (and really all of the posts I read by you) as portraying yourself as somehow helpless, ignorant, not needing to change, imprisoned by the actions of others, and most of all, not responsible for any of it.

To bring real change into your life, bringing the power and focus back onto yourself and taking a hard clear look at the truth of the situation is far more effective. Truthfully, relationships and marriages come to an end ALL THE TIME. For many reasons, not just addiction. People grow, people change, and relationships come to an end. It sucks, but that is life, and life is not fair. Many of us here have gone through this. I got out before I had kids, but many people here are raising kids on their own in difficult situations. You are not alone here, your situation is not unique. And luckily you are a free man, you don’t have to keep caught up in this thought loop that you are caught in. You can change yourself.

You can’t change her. She is an addict, and she will continue to be an addict until SHE decides she wants to change. And there is NOTHING you can do about this. But you can change yourself, take responsibility for your life, your situation, and your happiness or lack thereof. If you don’t –if you keep lashing out at everyone who tells you things you don’t want to hear or that don’t jive up with your preconceived notions of reality and propriety – well, nothing changes if nothing changes.
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Old 04-18-2019, 12:56 PM
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Originally Posted by Beachn View Post

Anyway. Perhaps I have yet to meet healthy people in early recovery (less than 5 years ..is that right?) Because the ones I have met are messed in the head, all of them.

perhaps the ones you have met are only ones youve met in the rehab?
you see people every day in recovery . we dont wear signs saying,"look at me- im an ex drunk/druggie!!"
when i had a year clean/sober,i wasnt who i used to be.
today im not who i was back then at a year.

the mileage varies

p.s.
just my opinion but i read fears and insecurities coming out as anger,resentment,ego, and pride.
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Old 04-18-2019, 01:00 PM
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Beachn…...just another wee thought of mine.....Really, it doesn't sound to me like you have had close relationships with many recovering addicts.....it doesn't SOUND like it, to me...but, please excuse me if I presume too much....
I will say that it is very possible that you have met many recovering addicts, in the course of your ordinary living, without even noticing it....Now--I am talking about those who may be several months to, say, 1.2.3.4.5 yrs. of diligently working their program....
They might be the lady at the check out counter, the guy who fixed the brakes on your car; the accountant who works down the hall; a lady who walks her dog to the dog park, near your house; the anchor on the evening news; the gardener who trims your boxwoods; the woman who teaches beginning ballet to your daughter's friends....
Because...once into a genuine program of recovery...these people behave as "healthy" as anyone else.....and, perhaps better, in some cases...lol...
They do not parade their sobriety or take other people's inventory...they wear an attitude of humility and strive to be honest in all their dealings.....and, they probably savor every day of their hard earned sobriety.....

Again...I am just saying...
(dandylion tends to have a lot to say...lol)….
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Old 04-18-2019, 01:00 PM
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To steal a couple of the lines from Needabreak's excellent post:

My life feels like a damn escape room, and the clock is running…..
You know they leave the keys to the doors in the room, so you can leave at anytime.

Acceptance my counselor said, this is my life right now. Accept it, be patient and let the anger go. If only I knew how to do that consistently…….
Practice, that's how you get consistency. This is how it is, what happened - happened. What is happening now with your wife is happening and there is nothing you can do to change any of that, not one thing.

Your only question is how do you deal with it? If you want to take the facility to court you should consult with a lawyer if you think they were at fault. That's a concrete action.

If you believe you want to continue this relationship with your wife then you might want to take a big, big step back and change your focus here. What are you bringing to the table?

If you can't view her with goodwill, what possible good is this doing you or her? I'm not saying you never will, perhaps this is something you are working on.

Have things settled at all, what is your day to day like?
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Old 04-18-2019, 01:57 PM
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I've stayed on the lighter side of this until now. My mother was a recovering alcoholic of 30 years at the time of her death, 20+ she was a addiction counselor and a very good one at that. Well known in her field for being tough and caring but the thing that made her good was she fought the fight with her clients, they new the same demon. So I don't know if your looking for someone to blame like your wife has, but she is an alcoholic and everything that goes with it.
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Old 04-18-2019, 02:12 PM
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Dear Beachn, I'm not going to give you another dose of tough love here, I think you are getting enough of that, but I will say I agree with it...

However, what I wanted to say to you, with hot tears in my eyes, is that I understand your fury. To the very depths of my core, I know exactly how furious you are with the circumstances you find yourself, your wife, your marriage, your family and your finances in right now. I know it is strangling you inside your chest. I've been there, there were times I thought that feeling was going to kill me, almost wanted it to so the pain would stop.

I just wanted you to know I do understand and I am so sorry for the turmoil you find yourself in. It wont always feel like this. You are learning, and you will heal. The storm will calm and you will see things in a different light. Your anger is still protecting you from the pain, it is a normal part of the process. It took me longer than I wanted it to to get through this part.... time takes it's stupid @ss time.

Hang in there friend.
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Old 04-18-2019, 02:16 PM
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Originally Posted by SmallButMighty View Post
It wont always feel like this.
Well said SmallButMighty
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Old 04-19-2019, 02:31 AM
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Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart View Post
I thought beachn was asking if somebody would be classified as being in early recovery if he/she had only been in recovery less than 5 years. At least, that's what I'm HOPING he meant.

That said, I'll chime in on the rehab scene. One of my close relatives was in rehab, and she claims that it was exposure to people who were in similar straits that made her realize once and for all that she needed to end her addiction. She got tired of listening to people day in and day out blame everything and everyone besides themselves for their addictions, and she wanted to become someone who wasn't afraid of owning their own #$%#%. I should add that she had voluntarily disclosed her addiction and willingly attended rehab in a facility that was similar to Hazelden, so she most likely more prepared than others who were forced to attend rehab to take that journey towards recovery.
It was a question, nothing more. I say my opinion clearly.

The second part was my understanding of how rehab is addressed, but it was not to be. Instead, as someone else posted she jumped into the drama and chaos. I will never understand the choices, but I also wasn’t drinking 12 units a day while on naltrexone for 3 weeks prior (the Sinclair method which she wasn’t compliant) to admittance after years of high stress, intense alcohol consumption, placed on a high dose of an anti depressant 3 days after detox that is known to cause mania...without proper supervision.

She is still a very attractive and intelligent woman and did not fit in, until she did, and became queen of rehab. Seriously, there were no less than 10 people blowing up her phone upon discharge. Throw in 2 prior detoxes in less than 3 months and the shame/guilt of practically abandoning her children and is this what you get?

Still, how do you not keep your focus on getting clean when you have 2 young children at home that are visiting you every damn week, with your spouse, as a reminder of what’s important. I don’t get it. Crazy making.
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Old 04-19-2019, 03:08 AM
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Beachn…..You ask why....and, say that you don't "get it"......which it is natural, I think, to wonder the "why" of things that don't make sense to us.....
Especially, for something that one has not actually experienced, for themselves. For the non-addicted, who have never had all of the neurotransmitters, in their brain, totally rearranged....which has effects o n cognition, emotions, memories, impulse control, etc....
It takes about 6months, on average for the heavily addicted to begin to just clear their brain....and, much longer to address underlying issues....
To answer your question of "why?"....I think it might help you to understand what you can't actually see.....
I would recommend the following books....for a deeper understand ing what actually occurs within the brain....and, be able to connect that to external behaviors....
1. The Addicted Brain--by Michael Kuhar…
2. The Science of Addiction---by Carlton K. Erickson
***this one is a bit more technical than the first one...
Both books contain the latest research on addiction

Both are available on amazon.com....and cheaper, if you order the used copies....(they are similar to textbook prices)….

Knowledge is power.
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Old 04-19-2019, 04:10 AM
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Originally Posted by SmallButMighty View Post
Dear Beachn, I'm not going to give you another dose of tough love here, I think you are getting enough of that, but I will say I agree with it...

However, what I wanted to say to you, with hot tears in my eyes, is that I understand your fury. To the very depths of my core, I know exactly how furious you are with the circumstances you find yourself, your wife, your marriage, your family and your finances in right now. I know it is strangling you inside your chest. I've been there, there were times I thought that feeling was going to kill me, almost wanted it to so the pain would stop.

I just wanted you to know I do understand and I am so sorry for the turmoil you find yourself in. It wont always feel like this. You are learning, and you will heal. The storm will calm and you will see things in a different light. Your anger is still protecting you from the pain, it is a normal part of the process. It took me longer than I wanted it to to get through this part.... time takes it's stupid @ss time.

Hang in there friend.
Thank you and I’m okay...more than hanging in there..closer to my children than ever, getting healthier everyday.

Have had tons of therapy the last 3.5 months, DBT training, started a new hobby, even gained some weight back. Joined a church and looking to volunteer. Bought myself a car that I love to replace the family truckster she killed. Had my crowns replaced, and taking up a new sport. Had to create a new business plan due to losing so much momentum and it’s starting to come together. Thank God.

Outside of this I’m actually pretty happy, believe it or not. But this thing, damn, it just sets me off in ways I never imagined. I get angry at her, the facility, addicts in general (which is not fair) and sometimes even God. Seriously, please cut me some slack here. Amen

It’s becoming obvious to me that I’ve changed more than I want to admit, in some ways more than my wife. Perhaps I’m seeing things for how they are, instead of how I believed they were or should be, and I don’t like it or what it portends for our children and it pisses me off.

I dunno, it’s funny though, I’m calm, happy, even excited for the day until she wakes up and I see her and remember everything. It only gets worse as the day progresses. Certain words, phrases, remind me of all she did in and out of rehab and they accumulate throughout the day like a series of flashbacks, which I’m sure they are, and it starts a chain reaction of memories in my brain and the tension builds. Forgiveness feels as impossible as rebuilding trust...

I let a lot of that out here without even realizing it. They are honest raw emotions and thoughts that reflect what I don’t and can’t say generally, but I’m certain people are offended, not sure I care, because this crap sucks.

My reaction to the sight and interacting with her is a huge problem, and one I’m not sure can be resolved. Dandelion is right, I keep asking why. Why why why. Like a broken record or a 4 year old. It’s the wrong question. Now what, seems more fitting.

Dandelion thanks for posting the books I will grab them shortly. Thank you.
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Old 04-19-2019, 04:33 AM
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Good morning, Beachn:

It sounds as though the place your wife went was a total sham. (SMH) I'm sorry she went through that. I'm sorry you were treated that way by a "counselor". Homework about any rehab is vitally important. Salvation Army has a wonderful program and it's free, so price has nothing to do with the quality of the rehab.

You can correct me if I'm wrong, Beachn, but it seemed to me as though you were saying that you believed "early recovery" meant someone with 5 years or less of recovery under their belt.

It's true that there are some people who stop drinking and never address the other issues in their lives. But in my experience, someone who has put the time into recovery from addiction, who has addressed all the "why's" that drove them there, who have completely changed their thought processes, is a far more stable person than most--due to all the hard work.

Over the time you have been here, you have received advice from a broad range of SR members. Those who have been through and are still going through experiences similar to your own--and those who have successfully entered recovery and are speaking to you about your wife's experiences from the other side.

There has been a lot of "us" against "them" lately in the F&FA forum--a lot of "reactivity", and I've never found that to be the best way forward. Please remember that we all have our own burdens and hardships that can't be known through a computer screen. Let's give each other a bit of grace and compassion.

Peace,
Seren

Last edited by Seren; 04-19-2019 at 06:05 AM.
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Old 04-19-2019, 09:19 AM
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I let a lot of that out here without even realizing it. They are honest raw emotions and thoughts that reflect what I don’t and can’t say generally, but I’m certain people are offended, not sure I care, because this crap sucks.
Many here come from different experiences. Although addiction is addiction, it has variations as varied as we humans are!

Doesn't matter if people get offended or not, I'm sure that's not your intention.

My reaction to the sight and interacting with her is a huge problem, and one I’m not sure can be resolved. Dandelion is right, I keep asking why. Why why why. Like a broken record or a 4 year old. It’s the wrong question. Now what, seems more fitting.
I'm glad you are picking up the books dandylion suggested, getting the information is a really solid way of helping to put your thoughts to rest (or to action). For me personally, I need to know those answers and getting them helps me to relax in to it and say ok - that's why. Now that may help zero in changing anything outside of myself, but it centers me.

I hope in reading those you find some peace in your thoughts.

While nothing needs to change this second (the house isn't actually on fire). It's really unfortunate that your day to day is so stressful for you. The more you focus on yourself and the children, the more it will, hopefully, help.
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Old 04-19-2019, 07:35 PM
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A sign of growth is that the anger arises and then fades and the mind doesn't build a storyline that turns it into a firestorm. It doesn't make the anger any less painful, but it does shorten the experience.

My alanon sponsor is a double-winner, and has addict/alcoholic adult children. He accepts their behavior as "addicts doing what addicts do", and makes it his business to mind his own boundaries when interacting with them. He discusses his feelings about watching them sicken and destroy themselves & their families with others in AA and Alanon he has good rapport with- that is never inappropriate.
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Old 04-20-2019, 05:51 PM
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People treat you the way you let them.

As many have said it's up to you to change that.

I understand - i am married 36 years to wife who has become a functioning alcoholic. Bruises on her arms from falling down drunk and people look at me with daggers like I am the devil himself. "I didn't do that" I scream in my mind... My mind... slowly was losing it till I got it.
Maybe from Al-Anon... maybe from just time and experience, I have found some sort of peace accepting that I cant change or help her. I stopped feeling ... anything about it. If she becomes hostile or abusive, I say "stop it" forcefully and if she doesn't stop, I leave. And FEEL ok.

I have contemplated divorce seriously, not afraid of it anymore, and that seemed to take care of my co-dependance issues.

I am sorry to say that it sounds like your choice to remain on this merry-go-round or get off approaching. The woman you knew from long ago is long gone. She has been replaced by who you see now. If she doesn't change herself and you stay, your like will be filled with drunk episodes with all that goes with it INCLUDING infidelity.

The only thing that has kept me from filing is that she is loyal. I know this for a fact. I have checked. I have made my boundary quite clear.

Good luck. Hit the gym. Lift heavy and work out your emotional pain through physical exertion. Buy some new clothes, get a haircut, join a martial arts class and go out with friends. The only thing we can't get back is time... and the clock is ticking.

Life is best experienced happily.
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Old 04-22-2019, 06:46 AM
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Beach....I get that red hot anger. Do I ever. I lived in that state of mind for a long time, until I finally realized that the stress and anger were changing me into someone I did not want to be. It damaged my children, and myself.

It sounds like outside of this you are doing some great things to take care of yourself and your children. Bravo for that. Continue to take good care of you. You will eventually realize that the why does not matter, that it only really matters to look at current actions and react accordingly. You cannot control the why, or her actions.

It's very healthy to vent, and I am glad you are doing that, and educating yourself. All great stuff.

Big hugs to you.
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Old 04-26-2019, 03:49 AM
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Originally Posted by schnappi99 View Post
A sign of growth is that the anger arises and then fades and the mind doesn't build a storyline that turns it into a firestorm. It doesn't make the anger any less painful, but it does shorten the experience.
schnappi,

I feel I’ve reached this point. What was a 4 alarm blaze almost on the daily has given way to more understanding that change must happen for me and the kids. Now. Trying to come up with a plan for the kids and I that also doesn’t put her in a situation that is dangerous. I know she is a grown woman, but she is in a very precarious place mentally that I cannot disregard. I have PTSD, which the effects of her stint in and after rehab blew up my symptoms. Fury is an understatement. I just completed a series of ketamine infusion therapies over the last 2 weeks and I am shocked at how different I am reacting to everything. I’m in a better place. Still anxious and worried, but trying to think logically not dreadfully.

Originally Posted by endofmyrope65 View Post
People treat you the way you let them.

As many have said it's up to you to change that.

I understand - i am married 36 years to wife who has become a functioning alcoholic. Bruises on her arms from falling down drunk and people look at me with daggers like I am the devil himself. "I didn't do that" I scream in my mind... My mind... slowly was losing it till I got it.
Maybe from Al-Anon... maybe from just time and experience, I have found some sort of peace accepting that I cant change or help her. I stopped feeling ... anything about it. If she becomes hostile or abusive, I say "stop it" forcefully and if she doesn't stop, I leave. And FEEL ok.

I have contemplated divorce seriously, not afraid of it anymore, and that seemed to take care of my co-dependance issues.

I am sorry to say that it sounds like your choice to remain on this merry-go-round or get off approaching. The woman you knew from long ago is long gone. She has been replaced by who you see now. If she doesn't change herself and you stay, your like will be filled with drunk episodes....

...Good luck. Hit the gym. Lift heavy and work out your emotional pain through physical exertion. Buy some new clothes, get a haircut, join a martial arts class and go out with friends. The only thing we can't get back is time... and the clock is ticking.

Life is best experienced happily.
Hi Endofmyrope,

Thanks for taking the time to reply. Yes people treat you how you allow them. I have been gaslighted for years with the alcohol which has a way of destabilizing you. I doubted myself and what I knew, in deep denial because of the person she WAS. That person is gone, completely. Something happened to her in rehab, no idea what but holy crap. Kind, gentle even when drunk before and she came out of rehab a violent swinging drunk and manipulative when not.

At this moment I don’t give a damn what she did, I probably will again in the future, but right now I’m dealing with the effects of a relapse. She’s lying to her therapists about almost everything, drinking while on an ssri and vivitrol and she’s on probation for the DUI. Even the dangers of drinking on these drugs and the prospect of jail isn’t stopping her. There is a dual diagnosis here they are trying to figure out and she is in danger. Serious danger. I’m getting off the merry go round, how to do that without placing her in peril is my responsibility as a human being.

Doing most of what you suggested already, had to take a break due to recent treatment, but on that path.

Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
Beach....I get that red hot anger. Do I ever. I lived in that state of mind for a long time, until I finally realized that the stress and anger were changing me into someone I did not want to be. It damaged my children, and myself.

It sounds like outside of this you are doing some great things to take care of yourself and your children. Bravo for that. Continue to take good care of you. You will eventually realize that the why does not matter, that it only really matters to look at current actions and react accordingly. You cannot control the why, or her actions.

It's very healthy to vent, and I am glad you are doing that, and educating yourself. All great stuff.

Big hugs to you.
Hi Hopeful,

Yes anger manifests itself across all relationships, including the one with yourself.

From the beginning of this post I have categorized addicts as terrible people based off my experience and interactions with them. It has been a terrible experience with them, but there are good, hell great, people in recovery it just seems a pipe dream right now for her. She is damaged beyond recognition.

I know I can’t control her, but she apparently can’t control herself, and the professionals she is working with need to recognize the extent of her mental deterioration and the danger she is to herself. This situation is scary, I don’t want her to die.




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Old 04-26-2019, 06:09 AM
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I completely understand Beachn. Of course you don't want her to die. The reality is, she has to want that as well. It's a terrible shame. My heart is with you.
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