Wife worse after rehab for alcoholism
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 534
You BOTH went through an extremely stressful time, being stalked and harassed, business problems, etc. etc. Then she was hit with post-partum depression, right?
It sounds like you both drank to cope with a severely horrendous time.
Lots of people self-medicate with alcohol during stressful times.
The difference between you two is--you were able to STOP and she couldn't.
Who knows why---genetics, disease, she didn't have as good of coping skills, previous trauma, mental illness became exacerbated due to post-partum depression, wrong meds prescribed.
Whatever the reason, it doesn't really matter WHY at this point.
She became an alcoholic.
Rehab didn't help and, in fact, made it MUCH MUCH worse.
She was tormented, tortured almost, by the staff and then became friends with people she would never have associated with before.
It turned your beautiful wife into a trashy hood-rat. (Your words, not mine. Not being judgemental, just don't want to sound harsh.)
I'm only summarizing this to try and wrap my brain around your family's situation.
The stalking and harassment seems like where your lives began to really get (understandably) derailed.
Did she hold it together during these years while also being pregnant then dealing with post-partum depression and your other children?
Have your Dr.s discussed the possibility of both of you having PTSD?
It sounds like you both drank to cope with a severely horrendous time.
Lots of people self-medicate with alcohol during stressful times.
The difference between you two is--you were able to STOP and she couldn't.
Who knows why---genetics, disease, she didn't have as good of coping skills, previous trauma, mental illness became exacerbated due to post-partum depression, wrong meds prescribed.
Whatever the reason, it doesn't really matter WHY at this point.
She became an alcoholic.
Rehab didn't help and, in fact, made it MUCH MUCH worse.
She was tormented, tortured almost, by the staff and then became friends with people she would never have associated with before.
It turned your beautiful wife into a trashy hood-rat. (Your words, not mine. Not being judgemental, just don't want to sound harsh.)
I'm only summarizing this to try and wrap my brain around your family's situation.
The stalking and harassment seems like where your lives began to really get (understandably) derailed.
Did she hold it together during these years while also being pregnant then dealing with post-partum depression and your other children?
Have your Dr.s discussed the possibility of both of you having PTSD?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 170
Originally Posted by Zevin 
You BOTH went through an extremely stressful time, being stalked and harassed, business problems, etc. etc. Then she was hit with post-partum depression, right?
It sounds like you both drank to cope with a severely horrendous time.
Lots of people self-medicate with alcohol during stressful times.
The difference between you two is--you were able to STOP and she couldn't.
Who knows why---genetics, disease, she didn't have as good of coping skills, previous trauma, mental illness became exacerbated due to post-partum depression, wrong meds prescribed.
Whatever the reason, it doesn't really matter WHY at this point.
She became an alcoholic.
Rehab didn't help and, in fact, made it MUCH MUCH worse.
She was tormented, tortured almost, by the staff and then became friends with people she would never have associated with before.
It turned your beautiful wife into a trashy hood-rat. (Your words, not mine. Not being judgemental, just don't want to sound harsh.)
I'm only summarizing this to try and wrap my brain around your family's situation.
The stalking and harassment seems like where your lives began to really get (understandably) derailed.
Did she hold it together during these years while also being pregnant then dealing with post-partum depression and your other children?
Have your Dr.s discussed the possibility of both of you having PTSD?
It sounds like you both drank to cope with a severely horrendous time.
Lots of people self-medicate with alcohol during stressful times.
The difference between you two is--you were able to STOP and she couldn't.
Who knows why---genetics, disease, she didn't have as good of coping skills, previous trauma, mental illness became exacerbated due to post-partum depression, wrong meds prescribed.
Whatever the reason, it doesn't really matter WHY at this point.
She became an alcoholic.
Rehab didn't help and, in fact, made it MUCH MUCH worse.
She was tormented, tortured almost, by the staff and then became friends with people she would never have associated with before.
It turned your beautiful wife into a trashy hood-rat. (Your words, not mine. Not being judgemental, just don't want to sound harsh.)
I'm only summarizing this to try and wrap my brain around your family's situation.
The stalking and harassment seems like where your lives began to really get (understandably) derailed.
Did she hold it together during these years while also being pregnant then dealing with post-partum depression and your other children?
Have your Dr.s discussed the possibility of both of you having PTSD?
Thank you. Holy crap you get it.
I am one lucky SOB that I was able to quit drinking. Obviously it got her and she has a long road ahead.
We both have been diagnosed with PTSD from the stalking. It was brutal and if this is surviving it I’d hate to see succumbing to it. She kept it together for years, and ultimately used alcohol to cope with the stress and postpartum issues. The things that happened to us were not normal. It’s like we were at war with shadows.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 534
"At war with shadows..." is a perfect way to describe when life goes horribly wrong for a long time.
My spouse, children and I had several years of EVERYTHING falling apart around us. Deaths of good, good YOUNG friends, (I think we went to 10 funerals in one year) plus very tragic deaths of a niece and 2 nephews from 3 different accidents.
My spouse got cancer at 40, the same type my Dad was dying from. Just as spouse was recuperating, one of my nephews died by suicide. Then my Dad passed away. That all happened in 3 months. And THEN....Spouse was in a plane crash and spent a full year, recovering from the many horrific injuries.
I HELD IT TOGETHER like nobody's business! I practically had a hospital at my house. I could change IV bags, empty urine and colostomy bags, take care of the kids (one with disabilities, the other a TEEN-AGER.) Sure, I had a glass or two of wine a night but then......as a few years went by and we all recovered emotionally from the many deaths, diseases, accidents etc., life normalized for everyone but me. I was then drinking up to 3 bottles of wine by myself every night.
I seized out several times and after the last round of seizures, with my heart rate and blood pressure out of control, medicine unable to stop the seizures and 5 days in ICU, I willingly went to rehab. Of course, my sweet Father-in-law died while I was in rehab (I'd been taking care of him and my M-I-L) so I came home for 3 days for his funeral, then went back to finish up the 30 days.
My point is...I was THE STRONG ONE in our family for YEARS until....I wasn't. I was diagnosed with PTSD at rehab. The PTSD combined with very heavy drinking was also causing horrible panic attacks and a bit of agoraphobia.
So, I feel a bit sorry for your wife. I'm fortunate to have gone to an amazing rehab, where my family and I received incredible counseling. There was never ANYTHING sexual going on amongst the clients and if there was even a hint of a flirtation starting up, it was stopped.
I'm sorry she had such weird experiences at a rehab and you should seriously consider reporting them to the state licensing board.
You nailed it on the head when you said, "You were the one lucky SOB" that alcohol didn't sink its claws into. Like me, she didn't get lucky.
I consider myself a "double winner" because, in my opinion, my spouse drinks way too much. It made it harder for me to stop (I had several relapses, usually on vacations) but, with the help of AA and this site, I realize I've got to stay on my own side of the street.
She needs the right kind of help but she will have to want it for herself.
Since you BOTH have been diagnosed with PTSD, it seems to me like she's had some sort of nervous breakdown, exacerbated by the stressful conditions that brought on the PTSD.
I hope and pray that you both will find your way out of this TORNADO life has become. There IS HOPE!
My spouse, children and I had several years of EVERYTHING falling apart around us. Deaths of good, good YOUNG friends, (I think we went to 10 funerals in one year) plus very tragic deaths of a niece and 2 nephews from 3 different accidents.
My spouse got cancer at 40, the same type my Dad was dying from. Just as spouse was recuperating, one of my nephews died by suicide. Then my Dad passed away. That all happened in 3 months. And THEN....Spouse was in a plane crash and spent a full year, recovering from the many horrific injuries.
I HELD IT TOGETHER like nobody's business! I practically had a hospital at my house. I could change IV bags, empty urine and colostomy bags, take care of the kids (one with disabilities, the other a TEEN-AGER.) Sure, I had a glass or two of wine a night but then......as a few years went by and we all recovered emotionally from the many deaths, diseases, accidents etc., life normalized for everyone but me. I was then drinking up to 3 bottles of wine by myself every night.
I seized out several times and after the last round of seizures, with my heart rate and blood pressure out of control, medicine unable to stop the seizures and 5 days in ICU, I willingly went to rehab. Of course, my sweet Father-in-law died while I was in rehab (I'd been taking care of him and my M-I-L) so I came home for 3 days for his funeral, then went back to finish up the 30 days.
My point is...I was THE STRONG ONE in our family for YEARS until....I wasn't. I was diagnosed with PTSD at rehab. The PTSD combined with very heavy drinking was also causing horrible panic attacks and a bit of agoraphobia.
So, I feel a bit sorry for your wife. I'm fortunate to have gone to an amazing rehab, where my family and I received incredible counseling. There was never ANYTHING sexual going on amongst the clients and if there was even a hint of a flirtation starting up, it was stopped.
I'm sorry she had such weird experiences at a rehab and you should seriously consider reporting them to the state licensing board.
You nailed it on the head when you said, "You were the one lucky SOB" that alcohol didn't sink its claws into. Like me, she didn't get lucky.
I consider myself a "double winner" because, in my opinion, my spouse drinks way too much. It made it harder for me to stop (I had several relapses, usually on vacations) but, with the help of AA and this site, I realize I've got to stay on my own side of the street.
She needs the right kind of help but she will have to want it for herself.
Since you BOTH have been diagnosed with PTSD, it seems to me like she's had some sort of nervous breakdown, exacerbated by the stressful conditions that brought on the PTSD.
I hope and pray that you both will find your way out of this TORNADO life has become. There IS HOPE!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Why was there "stalking" to begin with? I don't care what rehab you go to.. if someone cheats they're likely to cheat again. You're 110% correct in thinking you should have filed for divorce.. that trust is gone! Not to mention the drinking nonsense.. that's another trust 'thing' ya shouldn't have to worry about with someone you're married to.
I'm stunned anyone would even blame the place instead of the person. Wow!
I'm stunned anyone would even blame the place instead of the person. Wow!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Originally Posted by Zevin
"At war with shadows..." is a perfect way to describe when life goes horribly wrong for a long time.
My spouse, children and I had several years of EVERYTHING falling apart around us. Deaths of good, good YOUNG friends, (I think we went to 10 funerals in one year) plus very tragic deaths of a niece and 2 nephews from 3 different accidents.
My spouse got cancer at 40, the same type my Dad was dying from. Just as spouse was recuperating, one of my nephews died by suicide. Then my Dad passed away. That all happened in 3 months. And THEN....Spouse was in a plane crash and spent a full year, recovering from the many horrific injuries.
I HELD IT TOGETHER like nobody's business! I practically had a hospital at my house. I could change IV bags, empty urine and colostomy bags, take care of the kids (one with disabilities, the other a TEEN-AGER.) Sure, I had a glass or two of wine a night but then......as a few years went by and we all recovered emotionally from the many deaths, diseases, accidents etc., life normalized for everyone but me. I was then drinking up to 3 bottles of wine by myself every night.
I seized out several times and after the last round of seizures, with my heart rate and blood pressure out of control, medicine unable to stop the seizures and 5 days in ICU, I willingly went to rehab. Of course, my sweet Father-in-law died while I was in rehab (I'd been taking care of him and my M-I-L) so I came home for 3 days for his funeral, then went back to finish up the 30 days.
My point is...I was THE STRONG ONE in our family for YEARS until....I wasn't. I was diagnosed with PTSD at rehab. The PTSD combined with very heavy drinking was also causing horrible panic attacks and a bit of agoraphobia.
So, I feel a bit sorry for your wife. I'm fortunate to have gone to an amazing rehab, where my family and I received incredible counseling. There was never ANYTHING sexual going on amongst the clients and if there was even a hint of a flirtation starting up, it was stopped.
I'm sorry she had such weird experiences at a rehab and you should seriously consider reporting them to the state licensing board.
You nailed it on the head when you said, "You were the one lucky SOB" that alcohol didn't sink its claws into. Like me, she didn't get lucky.
I consider myself a "double winner" because, in my opinion, my spouse drinks way too much. It made it harder for me to stop (I had several relapses, usually on vacations) but, with the help of AA and this site, I realize I've got to stay on my own side of the street.
She needs the right kind of help but she will have to want it for herself.
Since you BOTH have been diagnosed with PTSD, it seems to me like she's had some sort of nervous breakdown, exacerbated by the stressful conditions that brought on the PTSD.
I hope and pray that you both will find your way out of this TORNADO life has become. There IS HOPE!
My spouse, children and I had several years of EVERYTHING falling apart around us. Deaths of good, good YOUNG friends, (I think we went to 10 funerals in one year) plus very tragic deaths of a niece and 2 nephews from 3 different accidents.
My spouse got cancer at 40, the same type my Dad was dying from. Just as spouse was recuperating, one of my nephews died by suicide. Then my Dad passed away. That all happened in 3 months. And THEN....Spouse was in a plane crash and spent a full year, recovering from the many horrific injuries.
I HELD IT TOGETHER like nobody's business! I practically had a hospital at my house. I could change IV bags, empty urine and colostomy bags, take care of the kids (one with disabilities, the other a TEEN-AGER.) Sure, I had a glass or two of wine a night but then......as a few years went by and we all recovered emotionally from the many deaths, diseases, accidents etc., life normalized for everyone but me. I was then drinking up to 3 bottles of wine by myself every night.
I seized out several times and after the last round of seizures, with my heart rate and blood pressure out of control, medicine unable to stop the seizures and 5 days in ICU, I willingly went to rehab. Of course, my sweet Father-in-law died while I was in rehab (I'd been taking care of him and my M-I-L) so I came home for 3 days for his funeral, then went back to finish up the 30 days.
My point is...I was THE STRONG ONE in our family for YEARS until....I wasn't. I was diagnosed with PTSD at rehab. The PTSD combined with very heavy drinking was also causing horrible panic attacks and a bit of agoraphobia.
So, I feel a bit sorry for your wife. I'm fortunate to have gone to an amazing rehab, where my family and I received incredible counseling. There was never ANYTHING sexual going on amongst the clients and if there was even a hint of a flirtation starting up, it was stopped.
I'm sorry she had such weird experiences at a rehab and you should seriously consider reporting them to the state licensing board.
You nailed it on the head when you said, "You were the one lucky SOB" that alcohol didn't sink its claws into. Like me, she didn't get lucky.
I consider myself a "double winner" because, in my opinion, my spouse drinks way too much. It made it harder for me to stop (I had several relapses, usually on vacations) but, with the help of AA and this site, I realize I've got to stay on my own side of the street.
She needs the right kind of help but she will have to want it for herself.
Since you BOTH have been diagnosed with PTSD, it seems to me like she's had some sort of nervous breakdown, exacerbated by the stressful conditions that brought on the PTSD.
I hope and pray that you both will find your way out of this TORNADO life has become. There IS HOPE!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 534
I THINK he is saying they had many years of stress due to being stalked and harassed but it didn't have anything to do with her rehab experience.
My point to him was, he handled the extreme stress of the stalking situation differently than his wife.
My point to him was, he handled the extreme stress of the stalking situation differently than his wife.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Originally Posted by Zevin
I THINK he is saying they had many years of stress due to being stalked and harassed but it didn't have anything to do with her rehab experience.
My point to him was, he handled the extreme stress of the stalking situation differently than his wife.
My point to him was, he handled the extreme stress of the stalking situation differently than his wife.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 534
I don't think a "rehab romance" would have been possible where I was, but I was also very focused on getting sober and the counseling was very focused on WHY I had become an alcoholic. Some of it was due to several years of VERY extremely sad and stressful life experiences, which sounded like what Beachn and his family experienced.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hey Beach...good to hear from you.
You had some very extreme things happen to you. They did not all happen overnight and won't be healed in a short amount of time either.
You have done so well for yourself getting over your own issues, that is all you can focus on. Time will tell on the rest!
Keep moving onward and upward my friend!
You had some very extreme things happen to you. They did not all happen overnight and won't be healed in a short amount of time either.
You have done so well for yourself getting over your own issues, that is all you can focus on. Time will tell on the rest!
Keep moving onward and upward my friend!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 170
Originally Posted by Zevin
"At war with shadows..." is a perfect way to describe when life goes horribly wrong for a long time.
My spouse, children and I had several years of EVERYTHING falling apart around us. Deaths of good, good YOUNG friends, (I think we went to 10 funerals in one year) plus very tragic deaths of a niece and 2 nephews from 3 different accidents.
My spouse got cancer at 40, the same type my Dad was dying from. Just as spouse was recuperating, one of my nephews died by suicide. Then my Dad passed away. That all happened in 3 months. And THEN....Spouse was in a plane crash and spent a full year, recovering from the many horrific injuries.
I HELD IT TOGETHER like nobody's business! I practically had a hospital at my house. I could change IV bags, empty urine and colostomy bags, take care of the kids (one with disabilities, the other a TEEN-AGER.) Sure, I had a glass or two of wine a night but then......as a few years went by and we all recovered emotionally from the many deaths, diseases, accidents etc., life normalized for everyone but me. I was then drinking up to 3 bottles of wine by myself every night.
I seized out several times and after the last round of seizures, with my heart rate and blood pressure out of control, medicine unable to stop the seizures and 5 days in ICU, I willingly went to rehab. Of course, my sweet Father-in-law died while I was in rehab (I'd been taking care of him and my M-I-L) so I came home for 3 days for his funeral, then went back to finish up the 30 days.
My point is...I was THE STRONG ONE in our family for YEARS until....I wasn't. I was diagnosed with PTSD at rehab. The PTSD combined with very heavy drinking was also causing horrible panic attacks and a bit of agoraphobia.
So, I feel a bit sorry for your wife. I'm fortunate to have gone to an amazing rehab, where my family and I received incredible counseling. There was never ANYTHING sexual going on amongst the clients and if there was even a hint of a flirtation starting up, it was stopped.
I'm sorry she had such weird experiences at a rehab and you should seriously consider reporting them to the state licensing board.
You nailed it on the head when you said, "You were the one lucky SOB" that alcohol didn't sink its claws into. Like me, she didn't get lucky.
I consider myself a "double winner" because, in my opinion, my spouse drinks way too much. It made it harder for me to stop (I had several relapses, usually on vacations) but, with the help of AA and this site, I realize I've got to stay on my own side of the street.
She needs the right kind of help but she will have to want it for herself.
Since you BOTH have been diagnosed with PTSD, it seems to me like she's had some sort of nervous breakdown, exacerbated by the stressful conditions that brought on the PTSD.
I hope and pray that you both will find your way out of this TORNADO life has become. There IS HOPE!
My spouse, children and I had several years of EVERYTHING falling apart around us. Deaths of good, good YOUNG friends, (I think we went to 10 funerals in one year) plus very tragic deaths of a niece and 2 nephews from 3 different accidents.
My spouse got cancer at 40, the same type my Dad was dying from. Just as spouse was recuperating, one of my nephews died by suicide. Then my Dad passed away. That all happened in 3 months. And THEN....Spouse was in a plane crash and spent a full year, recovering from the many horrific injuries.
I HELD IT TOGETHER like nobody's business! I practically had a hospital at my house. I could change IV bags, empty urine and colostomy bags, take care of the kids (one with disabilities, the other a TEEN-AGER.) Sure, I had a glass or two of wine a night but then......as a few years went by and we all recovered emotionally from the many deaths, diseases, accidents etc., life normalized for everyone but me. I was then drinking up to 3 bottles of wine by myself every night.
I seized out several times and after the last round of seizures, with my heart rate and blood pressure out of control, medicine unable to stop the seizures and 5 days in ICU, I willingly went to rehab. Of course, my sweet Father-in-law died while I was in rehab (I'd been taking care of him and my M-I-L) so I came home for 3 days for his funeral, then went back to finish up the 30 days.
My point is...I was THE STRONG ONE in our family for YEARS until....I wasn't. I was diagnosed with PTSD at rehab. The PTSD combined with very heavy drinking was also causing horrible panic attacks and a bit of agoraphobia.
So, I feel a bit sorry for your wife. I'm fortunate to have gone to an amazing rehab, where my family and I received incredible counseling. There was never ANYTHING sexual going on amongst the clients and if there was even a hint of a flirtation starting up, it was stopped.
I'm sorry she had such weird experiences at a rehab and you should seriously consider reporting them to the state licensing board.
You nailed it on the head when you said, "You were the one lucky SOB" that alcohol didn't sink its claws into. Like me, she didn't get lucky.
I consider myself a "double winner" because, in my opinion, my spouse drinks way too much. It made it harder for me to stop (I had several relapses, usually on vacations) but, with the help of AA and this site, I realize I've got to stay on my own side of the street.
She needs the right kind of help but she will have to want it for herself.
Since you BOTH have been diagnosed with PTSD, it seems to me like she's had some sort of nervous breakdown, exacerbated by the stressful conditions that brought on the PTSD.
I hope and pray that you both will find your way out of this TORNADO life has become. There IS HOPE!
Just the other day someone I was speaking to reminded me that no matter how bad you have it someone always has it worse. Circumstances can seem to be endlessly cruel, but it’s life. I can see the similarities between what led to your drinking and ours, particularly my wife’s. She was the one that held us together for a time until she couldn’t.
To this day she swears there was nothing physical that happened, that she lost her mind in part due to the shock of being inpatient, my threatening divorce if she didn’t go..etc and the SSRI that is known to cause hypermania and hypersexuality within days of first dose ( lexapro) in certain people. She was drinking 12 to 14 units a day before entering, for almost 5 months after nearly 4 of years of daily and then zero and thrown in with 30 other very sick people into a facility that should be shut down for incompetence. There is no excuse for her behavior other than brain damage. Not like this the 14 years prior, or since. It’s up to me to believe her or not. Which I can’t seem to make up my mind on.
Right now she is nearing 90 days. Therapy, PDr, 3 x a week AA, sponsor, stepwork. Helping in the business more which is sorely needed. I see improvements but it is slow going, she really screwed herself.
I’m doing my own stepwork, my focus is on kids, business, my own well being. Things are slowly looking up. I’ve gained 15 of the 27 pounds I lost all by going to the gym. In the best physical shape I’ve been in 20 years. Now if I can only catch up emotionally. I’ve learned so much and trying to apply it to life, but my resentments are kicking my ass.
I’m not getting into why we were stalked, it’s irrelevant, but I will say we did the right thing to the wrong group.
Hopeful, you are always that and I appreciate you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 534
Beachn,
Sounds like you and your wife are on the right track. Give it some time. I found this quote the other day and it reminded me of you, your wife, me....probably most everyone that deals with a LOT of trauma.
I'm also guessing that's a LOT of us here on SR, no matter what side of the street we are on.
“Anyone can give up; it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone would understand if you fell apart, that’s true strength.”
Sounds like you and your wife are on the right track. Give it some time. I found this quote the other day and it reminded me of you, your wife, me....probably most everyone that deals with a LOT of trauma.
I'm also guessing that's a LOT of us here on SR, no matter what side of the street we are on.
“Anyone can give up; it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone would understand if you fell apart, that’s true strength.”
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 170
Originally Posted by Zevin
Beachn,
Sounds like you and your wife are on the right track. Give it some time. I found this quote the other day and it reminded me of you, your wife, me....probably most everyone that deals with a LOT of trauma.
I'm also guessing that's a LOT of us here on SR, no matter what side of the street we are on.
“Anyone can give up; it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone would understand if you fell apart, that’s true strength.”
Sounds like you and your wife are on the right track. Give it some time. I found this quote the other day and it reminded me of you, your wife, me....probably most everyone that deals with a LOT of trauma.
I'm also guessing that's a LOT of us here on SR, no matter what side of the street we are on.
“Anyone can give up; it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone would understand if you fell apart, that’s true strength.”
That’s a great great quote. As a man in situations like this, I sometimes, hell often, feel the opposite is true. Understanding the ravages alcoholism has on its victims doesn’t dismiss my manly requirement to turn my back on her. It’s almost as if I was taught there is weakness in forgiving.
As a child my parents had dear friends over for dinner quite often. Lovely kind people. She was involved in a horrific car accident and experienced a brain injury. The last time I saw them was a final meal where she drank wine with dinner, apparently on medication, brain injury and all and threw a plate and glass at her husband from across the table. The plate missed but the glass hit him square in the forehead and shattered, cutting him up pretty bad.
My mother took him to the hospital while my father watched his friend’s wife act like she was possessed. She called us bastards, kicked him in the balls and was cursing like a sailor on leave. This mild mannered, intelligent, gentle woman’s brain was hijacked by the injury, medication and sent into overdrive by the wine. It was a long 3 hours.
Upon his return the husband was as calm as could be when told of his wife’s behavior. All he said was that wasn’t my wife and apologized. He understood all those years ago what I struggle with daily. I never saw them again, whether through their choice or my parents, but I never forgot that night. Especially my father’s reaction and statement that he would never... well you get the idea. Last I heard 30 years later they were still married. My parents divorced.
Anyway...your quote reminded me of this and how I wish I possessed this gentleman’s certainty and compassion for his wife.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Your story sort of makes me think of my parents. My father has Alzheimers and had a dementia psychiatric break earlier this year. His actions were scary and completely outside of how he would ever act as a non demented person.
Since then he has progressed quickly downhill. It's so hard to look at him and remind yourself that his person is saying and doing things because his brain is demented. He is still a person in there. We still love him.
It's almost the same as with an addict. We had to draw boundaries. We had to admit he could not live at home with my mom, he had become a danger to himself and to her. We have to go visit him but to remember we need time away as well. My mom has to be reminded it's ok to go out of town for a day or two, that he is safe and being well taken care of.
It's heartbreaking. It wears you out. It creates resentments and anger many times, even when you don't want to feel that way. It's scary, you have to fear what if this happens to me.
Point being, brain diseases for whatever reason are heartwrenching and hard to deal with. It requires tons of patience and lots of support for those who are the support system. You have chosen to remain by her side while she tries to recover from this. However, it does not negate your feelings of resentments, anger, and the like.
So friend don't forget we are here for you. Vent away about how YOU feel because you need to get that out or it becomes toxic.
Sending you big hugs.
Since then he has progressed quickly downhill. It's so hard to look at him and remind yourself that his person is saying and doing things because his brain is demented. He is still a person in there. We still love him.
It's almost the same as with an addict. We had to draw boundaries. We had to admit he could not live at home with my mom, he had become a danger to himself and to her. We have to go visit him but to remember we need time away as well. My mom has to be reminded it's ok to go out of town for a day or two, that he is safe and being well taken care of.
It's heartbreaking. It wears you out. It creates resentments and anger many times, even when you don't want to feel that way. It's scary, you have to fear what if this happens to me.
Point being, brain diseases for whatever reason are heartwrenching and hard to deal with. It requires tons of patience and lots of support for those who are the support system. You have chosen to remain by her side while she tries to recover from this. However, it does not negate your feelings of resentments, anger, and the like.
So friend don't forget we are here for you. Vent away about how YOU feel because you need to get that out or it becomes toxic.
Sending you big hugs.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 534
Quote from Hopeful4-
"Point being, brain diseases for whatever reason are heartwrenching and hard to deal with. It requires tons of patience and lots of support for those who are the support system. You have chosen to remain by her side while she tries to recover from this. However, it does not negate your feelings of resentments, anger, and the like. "
AMEN!
"Point being, brain diseases for whatever reason are heartwrenching and hard to deal with. It requires tons of patience and lots of support for those who are the support system. You have chosen to remain by her side while she tries to recover from this. However, it does not negate your feelings of resentments, anger, and the like. "
AMEN!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 170
Hi everyone,
I keep coming back to this thread, sometimes reading from the beginning and each time I glean more of the wisdom behind the replies. Anyone reading this far and wondering if the advice given here is sound I can assure you it is profoundly so. Had I been willing to accept it earlier many of the issues I’m facing wouldn’t be on the radar.
Wife just got her 90 day chip a week or so ago. Longest stretch of sobriety in 4 years. It’s a milestone but an early one. Very early.
The one thing I never fully accepted was the brain/personality changes that are inevitable and I now know it’s as real and bizarre as one can imagine. In some ways she is wiser, in others more immature and irresponsible. It’s a strange combination.
Lots of jigsaw puzzles and games on her phone. So much freaking coffee and I can hear her new found tools of manipulation being put to use at work. She has had so much therapy over the last year and yet these mechanisms seem to be welcomed. I don’t understand, but alcohol is a solvent. It dissolves lives.
My recovery is coming along slowly, but surely. My children are doing better, but there are times they look at me and I wonder if it’s just their resiliency that makes it seem that way.
Putting my business back together is proving to be tough after so much neglect due to alcoholism which stresses me the hell out on the daily. The past has caught up with us and it’s brutal. One day at a time.
A saying I read recently that hit me hard.
First the man takes a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes the man.
I keep coming back to this thread, sometimes reading from the beginning and each time I glean more of the wisdom behind the replies. Anyone reading this far and wondering if the advice given here is sound I can assure you it is profoundly so. Had I been willing to accept it earlier many of the issues I’m facing wouldn’t be on the radar.
Wife just got her 90 day chip a week or so ago. Longest stretch of sobriety in 4 years. It’s a milestone but an early one. Very early.
The one thing I never fully accepted was the brain/personality changes that are inevitable and I now know it’s as real and bizarre as one can imagine. In some ways she is wiser, in others more immature and irresponsible. It’s a strange combination.
Lots of jigsaw puzzles and games on her phone. So much freaking coffee and I can hear her new found tools of manipulation being put to use at work. She has had so much therapy over the last year and yet these mechanisms seem to be welcomed. I don’t understand, but alcohol is a solvent. It dissolves lives.
My recovery is coming along slowly, but surely. My children are doing better, but there are times they look at me and I wonder if it’s just their resiliency that makes it seem that way.
Putting my business back together is proving to be tough after so much neglect due to alcoholism which stresses me the hell out on the daily. The past has caught up with us and it’s brutal. One day at a time.
A saying I read recently that hit me hard.
First the man takes a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes the man.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Beachin, the coffee is pretty normal. Admittedly it's one addiction for another, but much more benign. Ditto for the phone games. Look at it as a good sign and part of her recovery.
Her brain is scrambled for now, but there is hope for the future as the brain starts to heal and learn to cope with life sober. Whatever happens to your marriage I hope she will heal in time if she can stay sober.
Her brain is scrambled for now, but there is hope for the future as the brain starts to heal and learn to cope with life sober. Whatever happens to your marriage I hope she will heal in time if she can stay sober.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Beachn
AWESOME on your wife's first 90 days. When we first met you, I held little hope that you would ever see this day.
You are also enriching us my your presence. I had never heard the saying about the man taking a drink, the drink taking a drink, etc.... You are here to teach us too.
Re :your business, I am sure you know of many entrepreneurs who experienced up and down cycles in their businesses, whether addiction was present or not. I have a feeling you will bounce back just fine.
On a forum like this, we might not always hear about the success stories, but they are out there; testimonies of families who have come back from addiction and been sober for decades.
AWESOME on your wife's first 90 days. When we first met you, I held little hope that you would ever see this day.
You are also enriching us my your presence. I had never heard the saying about the man taking a drink, the drink taking a drink, etc.... You are here to teach us too.
Re :your business, I am sure you know of many entrepreneurs who experienced up and down cycles in their businesses, whether addiction was present or not. I have a feeling you will bounce back just fine.
On a forum like this, we might not always hear about the success stories, but they are out there; testimonies of families who have come back from addiction and been sober for decades.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
beachn…….here is a link to a brain scan of an alcoholic, compared to a normal brain of the same age....
I posted this on Laur's thread, earlier, today....
but, I thought you much have some appreciation of it.....Not to make you feel bad...but, to give visual information of why there can be sooo much change in the alcoholic's personality and behaviors...and, why it can take so much time...time...time.....for it to begin to "clear up"...….
I think there is a lot of underestimation of just how long it takes for the brain to heal.....and, how much disruption to the brain tissue that the alcohol actually does...…
I think that, if one can appreciate that there are real reasons that "progress' can seem so slow...it helps to temper the high expectations....to more realistic expectations....
the brain can heal...a lot.....
LOL....pray for Grace and Patience....patience...patience....
here is that link...…
https://www.bing.com/images/search?v...vt=0&eim=1,2,6
I posted this on Laur's thread, earlier, today....
but, I thought you much have some appreciation of it.....Not to make you feel bad...but, to give visual information of why there can be sooo much change in the alcoholic's personality and behaviors...and, why it can take so much time...time...time.....for it to begin to "clear up"...….
I think there is a lot of underestimation of just how long it takes for the brain to heal.....and, how much disruption to the brain tissue that the alcohol actually does...…
I think that, if one can appreciate that there are real reasons that "progress' can seem so slow...it helps to temper the high expectations....to more realistic expectations....
the brain can heal...a lot.....
LOL....pray for Grace and Patience....patience...patience....
here is that link...…
https://www.bing.com/images/search?v...vt=0&eim=1,2,6
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,018
Originally Posted by Beachn
I keep coming back to this thread, sometimes reading from the beginning and each time I glean more of the wisdom behind the replies. Anyone reading this far and wondering if the advice given here is sound I can assure you it is profoundly so. Had I been willing to accept it earlier many of the issues I’m facing wouldn’t be on the radar.
We all certainly have a learning/acceptance curve around the situation with our qualifiers. It takes time to put together and process the reality of a relationship with an alcoholic. Also I think it is much more difficult for those who have a bit of hope with their qualifiers. For some of us there is no hope and the only correct action is to get out and away as quickly as possible. I was in the latter category. Not fun but it was certainly simpler than your situation.
I hope you are getting through each day with a bit more healing.
Peace to you.
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