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My hubby, my sweetheart, my BFF... he cheated...

Old 01-19-2011, 12:25 PM
  # 201 (permalink)  
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Codie101 I know.... it's painful and I don't think I will ever be able to forgive him for what he did. I know he won't be able to forgive himself either. For me it's mainly the lying, although after reading some other forums out there, I can see how not telling might sometimes work better in a way that only one person suffers, the cheater. Don't take me wrong, I'm glad I found out, I guess... I'm definitely less trusting now, and definitely more firm with my boundaries. I will never be cheated on again and that's it.
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Old 01-19-2011, 12:27 PM
  # 202 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by stella27 View Post
clw, If you have been married 5 years and have a 20 month old daughter, and your husband has been sober this time for 21 months,

will you discuss his decision to stop drinking 21 months ago? What were the circumstances then?
our baby was 2 weeks old last time he got drunk. He then stopped and didn't pick up until last december.
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Old 01-19-2011, 12:28 PM
  # 203 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by cutelittlewife View Post
I'm going to take a shot every time someone says 'trigger'. Or 'codependent'
Well that sure wont trigger anyone... LOL!!!
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Old 01-19-2011, 12:33 PM
  # 204 (permalink)  
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CLW...trust is so hard to regain in a relationship. I hope that he is able to regain yours for the sake of your marriage and your children.
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Old 01-19-2011, 12:36 PM
  # 205 (permalink)  
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oops I apologize if I offended anyone.
Also, if you want to close the thread - I agree. I don't think I have any more to add and talking about the 'triggering' just feels like people are making light of my problem.
Thank you all for being helpful and I do wish you all the best in your lives, you deserve it!
Logging off now

Yours,

Cute Little Wife
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Old 01-19-2011, 01:27 PM
  # 206 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by cutelittlewife View Post
I know he won't be able to forgive himself either.
And unfortunately that's the part that will keep him locked into his disease.

I think we codies who’ve already traveled the path you are heading down need to remind ourselves that it is YOUR path to travel.

Please understand the responses come from experience, sad and painful experience in hopes others may not have to make the mistakes we’ve learned. But again, this is YOUR path to travel, your journey to learn.

I don’t see any reason why you should close this thread, I think you NEED to keep posting and talking about your forward movement with this situation.

((((clw))))
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Old 01-19-2011, 01:35 PM
  # 207 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by atalose View Post
I think we codies who’ve already traveled the path you are heading down need to remind ourselves that it is YOUR path to travel.
Excellent point. And, as much as I hate to admit it, nobody could have said anything to me 15 or so years ago that would have changed it.

L
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Old 01-19-2011, 02:01 PM
  # 208 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by cutelittlewife View Post
...talking about the 'triggering' just feels like people are making light of my problem.
Oh, we're anything BUT making light of your problem. This thread is spinning us back in time to a previous version of ourselves that is a dark chapter in our lives. This is the power of the accumulative damage of addiction.

We are all here to support you, as you make the same journey, but we all also have our own painful pasts that come into play as we participate.

It's actually not personal to you, or your thread, at all.

CLMI
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Old 01-19-2011, 07:18 PM
  # 209 (permalink)  
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Narcissism.

Originally Posted by cutelittlewife View Post
I really don't see myself as codependent. I don't see anything wrong with wanting to do nice things for other people and have them reciprocate. I mean, isn't that why we're in relationships? I've been reading some stuff and if anything, I might be a little narcissistic (come on, look at my nickname lol).
And LaTeeDa - how would you describe yourself now? How do you answer a 'who are you' question in the first place? I guess depends who asks it... Are you supposed to talk about qualities? that's more of a 'what are you like?' I guess?
Please give example.
Codie - thanks for the kind words, I really am dedicated to my marriage and I know so is my hubby. I know that after being sober for 21 months he is definitely capable of doing it for longer if he puts his mind and heart to it and I know he is doing that
Narcissistic? Well, not really because you added 'wife' to it. That has to do with him, too.

If you were narcissistic, I would think CuteAsaButton or DarlingGirl or Skipper is more like it!! :day6
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Old 01-19-2011, 07:39 PM
  # 210 (permalink)  
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Dear CLW,

I'm caught up now. It took me awhile to read all the additions to this thread. I hope you'll resist the urge to make drinking jokes if you get upset at something someone says.

I suspect you have a misunderstanding about the word 'trigger' on these threads. When there is a hot topic that has information on it that can be tied to a high-intensity problem (i.e. the family disease of alcoholism) and it stirs strong emotions, a poster may use the word 'trigger'. Your situation is highly charged with emotional situations.

But, you're the one living it, and I commend you for taking the steps you have so far in making you feel better.

I cannot stress more how your education about this Family Disease will benefit you, and then in turn, your family. Your baby girl has already been affected, and you probably haven't been able to see it yet. Now, she will be able to write in our ACOA group when she becomes an adult. Even if her daddy never takes another drink or line or woman.

This is a very serious situation you're in.

When you described your hubby as a sullen, negative thinker even in positivity, I could only call to mind all the alcoholics I've known. Even the publicly jovial ones. And when I read that description in The Big Book, it made more sense.

Your RAH is selfish and self-centered, thus is the nature of the alcoholic, whether wet or dry. Don't paint a different picture. It would be a lie. And you don't seem to be a liar, just ill-informed.

Take heart. People are here with good intentions. These are loving people. Please learn the part about acceptance, and you won't want to lash out like you did.
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Old 01-19-2011, 08:04 PM
  # 211 (permalink)  
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"It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept" -Bill Watterson.

These people on this forum aren't trying to make you feel worse about your situation. They just see things differently then you can with your nose right in the middle of it. They see their own lives and choices in your posts; their own denial that took them a lot of time to break down. My brick wall of denial to my AH is coming down, one ***** at a time. It's hard to hear and makes us defensive, but they're right.

I am embarrassed to admit I let my AH convince me that I needed therapy because of my 'inability to communicate with men". The therapist, after 30 minutes of hearing me describe my relationship with my husband, said he's an alcoholic. I spent another 5 sessions arguing with him! $500 wasted on denial! He finally told me to save my money and go to Al-Anon; that would only cost me a dollar a visit. 6 months later, I broke down and went to a meeting. Now, 8 months later and separated, with the AH 60 days into AA, I feel like I should write that therapist a note thanking him for at least planting some seeds even though I didn't want to hear anything he had to say.

Seeds are being planted here. Trust me - one day they will take root. In the meantime, take care of yourself and your baby. The damage from this emotional roller-coaster ride through hell and back is great!
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Old 01-19-2011, 08:11 PM
  # 212 (permalink)  
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I am embarrassed to admit I let my AH convince me that I needed therapy because of my 'inability to communicate with men". The therapist, after 30 minutes of hearing me describe my relationship with my husband, said he's an alcoholic. I spent another 5 sessions arguing with him! $500 wasted on denial! He finally told me to save my money and go to Al-Anon; that would only cost me a dollar a visit. 6 months later, I broke down and went to a meeting. Now, 8 months later and separated, with the AH 60 days into AA, I feel like I should write that therapist a note thanking him for at least planting some seeds even though I didn't want to hear anything he had to say.
Awesome story, TuffGirl. Thank you for sharing. I love that Denial quote too!
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Old 01-19-2011, 10:12 PM
  # 213 (permalink)  
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Yes, I agree. The meetings can be very different from one to the next. If I hadn't found Al-Anon, I know I would have ended up in the hospital or worse. And I usually hear at least one thing that I need to hear at every meeting. And of course, there are other groups out there. Getting good support is the main thing!

At any rate, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I have been through a similar situation and I know how incredibly devastating it is. ((((BIG HUGS)))) to you!
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Old 01-20-2011, 02:34 PM
  # 214 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by cutelittlewife View Post
...I don't want to trigger anyone and maybe I'll just stop posting. Also, from now on, I'm going to take a shot every time someone says 'trigger'. Or 'codependent'
Aww jeez, really? Why go there in a place like this? Was that really you or yet another post from the AH?

I have to remind myself that you came here looking for help and support. I won't let you take a dump on me and I won't be reading about you doing it to the fine people here who work hard and try to help.
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Old 01-20-2011, 04:20 PM
  # 215 (permalink)  
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From Wikipedia. Take what you like and leave the rest.

Flaming (Internet)
Deliberate flaming, as opposed to flaming as a result of emotional discussions, is carried out by individuals known as flamers, who are specifically motivated to incite flaming. These users specialize in flaming and target specific aspects of a controversial conversation, and are usually more subtle than their counterparts. Their counterparts are known as trolls who are less "professional" and write obvious and blunt remarks to incite a flame war, as opposed to the more subtle, yet precise flamers.

Flamebait is a message posted to a public Internet discussion group, such as a forum, newsgroup or mailing list, with the intent of provoking an angry response (a "flame") or argument over a topic the poster often has no real interest in. While flaming can occur as a result of legitimate debates or grievances, flamebait implies the intentional posting of inflammatory rhetoric or images.

As stated, flaming can stem from a variety of issues, including misunderstandings, frustration, and perceptions of unfairness. One motive (from trolls especially) is the desire for attention and for entertainment derived at the expense of others. Posted flamebait can provide the poster with a controlled trigger-and-response setting in which to anonymously engage in conflicts and indulge in aggressive behavior without facing the consequences that such behavior might bring in a face-to-face encounter. In other instances, flamebait may be used to reduce a forum's use by angering the forum users.

"Flame wars" A flame war results when one or more users engages in provocative responses to the originally posted flamebait. Flame wars often draw in many users (including those trying to diffuse the flame war) and can overshadow regular forum discussion if left unchecked.

Resolving a flame war can be difficult, as it is often hard to determine who is really responsible for the degradation of a reasonable discussion into flame war. Someone who posts a contrary opinion in a strongly focused discussion forum may be easily labeled a "baiter," "flamer," or "troll." Therefore, it seems important to make the rules and focus of a discussion forum public to avoid misconceptions about its accepted use.

An approach to resolving a flame war or responding to flaming is to communicate openly with the offending users. Acknowledging mistakes, offering to help resolve the disagreement, making clear, reasoned arguments, and even self-deprecation have all been noted as worthwhile strategies to end such disputes. However, others prefer to simply ignore flaming, noting that, in many cases, if the flamebait receives no attention, it will quickly be forgotten as forum discussions carry on. Unfortunately, this can motivate trolls to intensify their activities, creating additional distractions.

Taking the bait or feeding the troll refers to someone who responds to the original message regardless of whether they are aware the original message was intended to provoke a response. Often when someone takes the bait, others will point out to them YHBT for "You have been trolled," or reply with "don't feed the trolls." Forum users will also frequently "rate" the troll as means of acknowledgment, with statements such as "0/10, obvious troll is obvious", or "10/10, I raged."
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Old 01-29-2011, 08:53 AM
  # 216 (permalink)  
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I care about the baby; she picks up you and your husbands energy and everything in that house. Please consider CLW seeking out a family therapist. Please put your daughter and unborn baby before him. They are most important.
I speak for them.
I will pray.
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Old 01-30-2011, 05:03 PM
  # 217 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
This thread triggers me. Does it trigger anyone else?

Even though I'm not normally a regular writer on threads (although I read often), and not to offend CLW, when I saw the husband write on this thread and due to other reasons, I haven't felt comfortable to share any ESH. It's a mixture of trigger and lack of trust that prevents me.
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Old 01-30-2011, 08:08 PM
  # 218 (permalink)  
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Ok gang, this thread has run it's course and there's nothing new to add. There's plenty new people coming in who need attention. If you are new, feel free to start a new thread of your own.

I am closing this thread.

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