Welcome, CLW and kudos to you for hanging in through all this tough talk!
Alanon (and this forum) have taught me about boundaries and checking in with my self.
I have heard you say your husband is your sweetheart and BFF and this is the first time he has effed up in a big way...
and I have heard you say your husband abuses alcohol, sometimes cocaine, has lied to you (more than once?), has cheated and (struggled with an addiction when he?) uses pornography.
I've heard you say you don't trust him and don't know when you will.
I've heard you say you feel you *need* to believe to feel sane and make the marriage work.
I believe you don't need to trust automatically.
I believe you will survive whether he cheats or lies again or not.
I believe it is wise to trust... when it is warranted based on solid action and not because it is scary not to (although it IS scary not to!)
So I hear some mixed messages.
And in my experience, I loved my AH so much, I wanted to see him for his greatness. The problem was I tended to overlook reality because I wanted to believe so badly. This is VERY deeply ingrained in me and VERY challenging to really see happening.
You are sticking around (yea), so that is great!
You have a lot of people with experience in this arena telling you the same thing - there are red flags.
So, although it doesn't feel true, consider that people *may* be on to something and just try on their perspective (and drop it if it doesn't fit).
AND your husband may be moving in a great direction (I hope so! That would be wonderful).
In the meantime, this list of concerns above...
Are those things okay with you?
When you mentally remove yourself from THIS situation...
Where are your boundaries?
I ask because your live in roomie seems a good example.
I hear you saying she makes you feel uncomfortable. She interrogates you. She doesn't keep your privacy and she is there longer than you wanted.
It seems it would be a good time to set a boundary and say she needs to move out.
You counteract that saying that she is family and she is trying to get on her feet...
those are the things a previous poster labeled as "excuses".
Because all those *reasons* are irrelevant.
Your self-care is as stake and those *reasons* are getting in the way of you taking care of YOUR needs.
Your needs matter.
Same thing with your husband.
His *reasons* are irrelevant.
Your self-care is at stake.
So back to my question.
Are the list of things that make you uncomfortable acceptable to you?
And if no, how can you set boundaries to care for yourself?
Hugs in this hard time,
Peace