I'm so lost...
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
My advice is going to be different. Here is why, I was married and unfaithful. I was the 'woman' and I doubt she didn't know about you. Because I was never a 'girlfriend' men would confide in me about their wives/gfs. I'd even give advice!
The issue for you is trust. And that is a solid issue because it isn't just trusting that he will be physically faithful but that trust that he does love you. Only you will know that answer. But the saying is, if it is too good to be true than it probably is. You said you placed him on a pedestal. He is human. Humans are flawed. He is recovered so he has a skill set that makes lying very successful. He probably did it without realizing because that was just how he lived his life as an addict. And it it has finally caught up with him.
But with being caught also comes a HUGE relief in that he doesn't have to live a lie. He probably realized how highly you thought of him and it boosted his ego so time went on, the lie continued and he couldn't figure out a way out of it. Now it has come home. So you can look at it several different ways:
1. Trust is broken, very tough to rebuild if ever in which case ending things is best
OR
2. The truth is out there about who he really is and he no longer has to be something he isn't. In which case, he still seems like a mess to deal with but you clearly love him so maybe think of a plan. Say, you'll try couple's counseling and then if that doesn't work you will leave.
I never see these things as black and white. They never are. I know you were shocked and surprised but sadly I think there were signs that you overlooked or were not aware of. It sounds almost like he wanted to get caught. That the lie was too much for him.
Again, this is all from a different perspective. Your pain is justified. He did a horrible thing. He is hating himself now and stands to lose the one good thing he probably ever had: YOU. So that means YOU have the power now. Embrace it and use it to your advantage whatever the outcome.
The issue for you is trust. And that is a solid issue because it isn't just trusting that he will be physically faithful but that trust that he does love you. Only you will know that answer. But the saying is, if it is too good to be true than it probably is. You said you placed him on a pedestal. He is human. Humans are flawed. He is recovered so he has a skill set that makes lying very successful. He probably did it without realizing because that was just how he lived his life as an addict. And it it has finally caught up with him.
But with being caught also comes a HUGE relief in that he doesn't have to live a lie. He probably realized how highly you thought of him and it boosted his ego so time went on, the lie continued and he couldn't figure out a way out of it. Now it has come home. So you can look at it several different ways:
1. Trust is broken, very tough to rebuild if ever in which case ending things is best
OR
2. The truth is out there about who he really is and he no longer has to be something he isn't. In which case, he still seems like a mess to deal with but you clearly love him so maybe think of a plan. Say, you'll try couple's counseling and then if that doesn't work you will leave.
I never see these things as black and white. They never are. I know you were shocked and surprised but sadly I think there were signs that you overlooked or were not aware of. It sounds almost like he wanted to get caught. That the lie was too much for him.
Again, this is all from a different perspective. Your pain is justified. He did a horrible thing. He is hating himself now and stands to lose the one good thing he probably ever had: YOU. So that means YOU have the power now. Embrace it and use it to your advantage whatever the outcome.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Originally Posted by lostfrmbetrayal 
--
Thank you.
You're right. I told him I didn't believe him. So he actually called me from the Monestary... I Googled the # he called from. It does actually go to the monestary.
I checked out the website of the monestary he told me he was at: The Abbey of Gethsemani (www . monks . org) -- there was a link on that page that says "prayer requests" - and I submitted a prayer. I named myself and him.
He just called me to say: "Brother Luke just informed me that he received a prayer request with my name and confirmed your name" He is going to pray for us Lisa. There is no other way he could have known I submitted this prayer on that website -
Turns out he really is there... and I'm scared to believe that he may really mean all he has been saying and that he is trying to fix himself.
Thank you.
You're right. I told him I didn't believe him. So he actually called me from the Monestary... I Googled the # he called from. It does actually go to the monestary.
I checked out the website of the monestary he told me he was at: The Abbey of Gethsemani (www . monks . org) -- there was a link on that page that says "prayer requests" - and I submitted a prayer. I named myself and him.
He just called me to say: "Brother Luke just informed me that he received a prayer request with my name and confirmed your name" He is going to pray for us Lisa. There is no other way he could have known I submitted this prayer on that website -
Turns out he really is there... and I'm scared to believe that he may really mean all he has been saying and that he is trying to fix himself.
I will tell you a bit about my 3rd x husband. he professed to be a religious man. was born in the bible belt. he quoted scripture a lot, and read his bible often. i married him, and moved to okla with him.
found out that he was abusive to his sons. he had cheated on his wife. he had had an affair with a woman for years, and refused to marry her when she got divorced for him.
he one day told me that if Jesus was in our living room, he would be watching the trashy show that he was too. He said that Jesus would enjoy looking at someones pink panties too. I began my plan for escape. he told me that i would have to leave without a penny,and make my way back to ohio. i said "wanna bet- i am going to get a lawyer." he smacked me upside the face with a phone book. i had never felt so violated in my life. Iknew that it would happen again, and I got out, with enough money for an apt, found a job back home before i even got there, and an apt, too. My higher power was watching out for me. I have been a fool, too many times in my life.
i do know that religious nuts exist. they prey on weak women, and bask in the adoration, while practicing perverse behaviors . They are f****** nuts, and sick, sick, sick.
he may have been there, but was most likely getting his religious groove on, just a show, an act, living a lie,and he is not capable of more.
keep your son away from this monster. you may find other skeletons in his closet.
take care, and surely, you are not so desperate that you would risk your sons future.
if this man was sincerely sorry, he would not be able to look you in the eyes. let alone waste your time while he tries to get his compulsions under control.
this man sickens me.
just imagine what you do not know about him.
are you seeing red flags, or are you putting blinders on?
wake up, get away from his words. you are not in a frame of mind to think clearly. do not doubt yourself.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Well, I gotta say one thing, Lost.... I've been on SR now for awhile and have rarely seen so many people weigh in so consistently on a subject. If I were you, I'd listen.
Print this out and read it 6 months from now.
Print this out and read it 6 months from now.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
Oh dear.
I think you don't need me to tell you that this guy is bad news. Drop him like a hot potato. Really, no more communication at all at all. Thank god you're not married to him.
You also don't need me to tell you that taking pictures of another woman, then leaving those pictures on a phone, then placing that phone only a few feet from your head is a very deliberate way of messing with you. I mean, it would be funny if it weren't so awful. If I were inclined to sleep with some other guy, and I wanted to keep it secret from my husband, I would probably manage to--you know--not take nude photos of the guy in the first place. Just a thought.
And leave the other couple alone too. What is to be gained from that drama?
Your kid needs you. I'm glad you're getting help. This guy has done everything short of waving a red flag in your face and screaming, "I AM A FREAK." What else does he have to do to show you he's bad news? No more texts, no more nothing. Get a new phone, get a restraining order if you have to.
Hugs.
I think you don't need me to tell you that this guy is bad news. Drop him like a hot potato. Really, no more communication at all at all. Thank god you're not married to him.
You also don't need me to tell you that taking pictures of another woman, then leaving those pictures on a phone, then placing that phone only a few feet from your head is a very deliberate way of messing with you. I mean, it would be funny if it weren't so awful. If I were inclined to sleep with some other guy, and I wanted to keep it secret from my husband, I would probably manage to--you know--not take nude photos of the guy in the first place. Just a thought.
And leave the other couple alone too. What is to be gained from that drama?
Your kid needs you. I'm glad you're getting help. This guy has done everything short of waving a red flag in your face and screaming, "I AM A FREAK." What else does he have to do to show you he's bad news? No more texts, no more nothing. Get a new phone, get a restraining order if you have to.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 119
Lost,
I haven’t posted on this forum in quite a while, but your thread is so eerily familiar to the nightmare that I lived a couple of years ago that I can’t ignore your thread.
First, please read through the RED FLAGS sticky. If I had known about this kind of information a couple of years ago, I would have run for my life when I met the man that I allowed into my life.
Attached below is the link:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...red-flags.html
I’m not going to bore you with my story, but want to point out some of the red flags that I had wish I had been aware of before I turned my life upside down by allowing the wrong kind of person into my life.
Red Flag #1: A relationship moving too fast. It takes more time than 6 months to get to really know a person. A person can hide who they really are for a very long time. The best way to get to really know whom a person is to take the time to SLOWLY get to know them and watch their actions. The push for you and your son to move in so fast after starting a relationship only 6 months ago is a huge red flag.
Red Flag #2: A person whom carries on a secret life while supposedly being in a monogamous relationship with another. I really don’t have to say anything other than this is a flaming red flag that is burning bright red for you to see from the highest point in the world.
Red Flag#3: A person whom showers another with an overkill of affection and romantic gestures at a rapid rate. Fairy tales are not real and neither is this. This kind of "attention" is not something that can last forever and people whom use this tactic usually have an ulterior motive.
Red Flag#4: A person whom claims to be working an iron clad recovery program but their actions do not match up with their words. Your significant other appears to be working a recovery program for alcoholism. Please notice that I said “appears”. The one area that I didn’t understand about addiction is that people can be cross addicted. For instance the alcoholic that was in my life was also addicted to sex and gambling too. So when he claimed that he was working a recovery program for alcoholism he very well could have been trying to, but he didn’t mention that he had replaced the addiction to alcohol with addictions to sex and gambling. A person in TRUE RECOVERY knows what all of their addictions are and is activley using the 12 steps to help achieve sobriety and recovery from them all.
Red Flag#5: A person whom leaves evidence of their affair indiscretions out in the open for their significant other to find. This is where I truly believe gas lighting and an addiction to drama comes into play. I don’t believe for a second that leaving the phone with the pictures of the other woman for you to find was an accident. This is mind games being played at an elevated level by someone whom really enjoys the whole push and pull game.
I am going to now bow out of this thread. I hope that you are smarter than I was and remove this person from your life. I lived the nightmare that is probably in store for you if you choose to stay in a relationship with this person, and I have to say that I would not wish that outcome on anyone.
Take Care of yourself and your son.
I haven’t posted on this forum in quite a while, but your thread is so eerily familiar to the nightmare that I lived a couple of years ago that I can’t ignore your thread.
First, please read through the RED FLAGS sticky. If I had known about this kind of information a couple of years ago, I would have run for my life when I met the man that I allowed into my life.
Attached below is the link:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...red-flags.html
I’m not going to bore you with my story, but want to point out some of the red flags that I had wish I had been aware of before I turned my life upside down by allowing the wrong kind of person into my life.
Red Flag #1: A relationship moving too fast. It takes more time than 6 months to get to really know a person. A person can hide who they really are for a very long time. The best way to get to really know whom a person is to take the time to SLOWLY get to know them and watch their actions. The push for you and your son to move in so fast after starting a relationship only 6 months ago is a huge red flag.
Red Flag #2: A person whom carries on a secret life while supposedly being in a monogamous relationship with another. I really don’t have to say anything other than this is a flaming red flag that is burning bright red for you to see from the highest point in the world.
Red Flag#3: A person whom showers another with an overkill of affection and romantic gestures at a rapid rate. Fairy tales are not real and neither is this. This kind of "attention" is not something that can last forever and people whom use this tactic usually have an ulterior motive.
Red Flag#4: A person whom claims to be working an iron clad recovery program but their actions do not match up with their words. Your significant other appears to be working a recovery program for alcoholism. Please notice that I said “appears”. The one area that I didn’t understand about addiction is that people can be cross addicted. For instance the alcoholic that was in my life was also addicted to sex and gambling too. So when he claimed that he was working a recovery program for alcoholism he very well could have been trying to, but he didn’t mention that he had replaced the addiction to alcohol with addictions to sex and gambling. A person in TRUE RECOVERY knows what all of their addictions are and is activley using the 12 steps to help achieve sobriety and recovery from them all.
Red Flag#5: A person whom leaves evidence of their affair indiscretions out in the open for their significant other to find. This is where I truly believe gas lighting and an addiction to drama comes into play. I don’t believe for a second that leaving the phone with the pictures of the other woman for you to find was an accident. This is mind games being played at an elevated level by someone whom really enjoys the whole push and pull game.
I am going to now bow out of this thread. I hope that you are smarter than I was and remove this person from your life. I lived the nightmare that is probably in store for you if you choose to stay in a relationship with this person, and I have to say that I would not wish that outcome on anyone.
Take Care of yourself and your son.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I agree with pretty much all 100 on the list. I recognized quite a few people in there too! The most surprising thing for me was that several of the 100 applied to one ex-BF in particular but he was not even alcoholic or addicted to anything. He was just straight sociopath (and Passive-Aggressive). Thanks for posting that CNMC2C!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
If you stay in your own home, and give yourself time, you have no more to lose.
If he is sincere, and works hard on his own recovery, then he will understand and support your decision.
If he is not sincere, you will thank God that you did not move in to his home with your son.
Stay here at SR, and look into Al Anon, Help yourself to heal. Best present you will ever give to yourself and your child.
If he is sincere, and works hard on his own recovery, then he will understand and support your decision.
If he is not sincere, you will thank God that you did not move in to his home with your son.
Stay here at SR, and look into Al Anon, Help yourself to heal. Best present you will ever give to yourself and your child.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Originally Posted by coyote21
Anybody else feel like they've witnessed/been involved in, a giant codie-induced feeding frenzy?
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
sigh......
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by coyote21
Anybody else feel like they've witnessed/been involved in, a giant codie-induced feeding frenzy?
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 182
I totally agree L2L - there was something about this story/ thread that really pushed my buttons more than 99% of the other stuff I read on here. Interesting.
Ughhh feeding frenzy is about right Coyote.
Ughhh feeding frenzy is about right Coyote.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Originally Posted by Learn2Live
Beth hon I didn't think you said anything wrong or trolling. You OK?
i was feeling uneasy about the whole story, and then dolly said something about trolling.
i felt like i had been emotionally hijacked, every button had been pushed like lola said.
where is the OP now? hmmmm.
thank you for asking L2L. i took a walk and read my backyard chicken forum, now i am in a much better frame of mind.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by lostfrmbetrayal
I was hoping maybe that someone would have been able educate me more about alcoholism and that someone, if not all would say to me:
"as long as he gets help -he will and you guys will be ok"
That's not the case -is it?
"as long as he gets help -he will and you guys will be ok"
That's not the case -is it?
L
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Originally Posted by CNMC2C
Lost,
I haven’t posted on this forum in quite a while, but your thread is so eerily familiar to the nightmare that I lived a couple of years ago that I can’t ignore your thread.
First, please read through the RED FLAGS sticky. If I had known about this kind of information a couple of years ago, I would have run for my life when I met the man that I allowed into my life.
Attached below is the link:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...red-flags.html
.
I haven’t posted on this forum in quite a while, but your thread is so eerily familiar to the nightmare that I lived a couple of years ago that I can’t ignore your thread.
First, please read through the RED FLAGS sticky. If I had known about this kind of information a couple of years ago, I would have run for my life when I met the man that I allowed into my life.
Attached below is the link:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...red-flags.html
.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi lost-
well, i just read this whole thread tonight. i feel for you, having been betrayed myself.
it sounds as if there were many lies. i think that liars say "i would never lie to you"...honest people don't say that...they are just honest.
it sounds as if he is also lying to himself really. to say "i would never lie to you" while he is actually lying...
so, he's a liar. we have established that. this means that there could very well be many more things he has lied about.
once i found out mine was a liar, i did some creative research and discovered many more lies.
i would imagine that this is the tip of the iceberg with this guy.
i also do not like that he carries two cell phones. that is a sign of a cheater. they can receive calls on their other phone.
we are not talking about one lie here. we are talking about a continued affair with a married woman. he lied to you, he violated her husband, he lied to your son.
i would take everything he has shared with you as possibly not true. 10 years recovery? says who? him?
this can no longer be taken as fact.
the fact that he has now ripped out his kitchen shows he is impulsive and also, irresponsible if he can't afford it.
i think his "hook" is his recovery, which he used to attract you. and now we see that he has not recovered really, has he?
it seems unwise to move in with him at this stage. you do not need to move in with him, as you have your own home. please, do not put yourself in a position where you are reliant on him. that would trap you.
right now, you have a good option of staying in your home and sorting out how you are feeling. yes, that would mean that your son return to his old school which is unsettling but i would imagine he will adjust.
why not take a time out and unplug that phone or get a new number? he is obviously confusing you with his relentless pursuit.
why not tell him you need some time alone and take it? how he handles this request will be very telling. if he does not honor your request, then you might want to think about how he will bulldoze you in the future.
take care of yourself and your son. you've stated that this man is bringing out the worst in you. pay attention to that. in a healthy relationship, the other person brings out the best in you.
the dynamic you have explained of you saying mean, hurtful things to him in anger and him taking it sounds like a very unhealthy energy exchange.
you might want to ask yourself when have you felt this way before in your life?
as for forgiveness and your son's question to you, you can forgive him and still move on your way.
another thing for you to consider is that he is a recovering alcoholic and could relapse in the future. given his talent for lying, i wouldn't even take his sobriety as a given.
i would imagine if you did move in with him, that you would uncover many other things of which he has not been straight forward with you about.
please, consider going no contact and give yourself some time to recover from this betrayal.
naive
well, i just read this whole thread tonight. i feel for you, having been betrayed myself.
it sounds as if there were many lies. i think that liars say "i would never lie to you"...honest people don't say that...they are just honest.
it sounds as if he is also lying to himself really. to say "i would never lie to you" while he is actually lying...
so, he's a liar. we have established that. this means that there could very well be many more things he has lied about.
once i found out mine was a liar, i did some creative research and discovered many more lies.
i would imagine that this is the tip of the iceberg with this guy.
i also do not like that he carries two cell phones. that is a sign of a cheater. they can receive calls on their other phone.
we are not talking about one lie here. we are talking about a continued affair with a married woman. he lied to you, he violated her husband, he lied to your son.
i would take everything he has shared with you as possibly not true. 10 years recovery? says who? him?
this can no longer be taken as fact.
the fact that he has now ripped out his kitchen shows he is impulsive and also, irresponsible if he can't afford it.
i think his "hook" is his recovery, which he used to attract you. and now we see that he has not recovered really, has he?
it seems unwise to move in with him at this stage. you do not need to move in with him, as you have your own home. please, do not put yourself in a position where you are reliant on him. that would trap you.
right now, you have a good option of staying in your home and sorting out how you are feeling. yes, that would mean that your son return to his old school which is unsettling but i would imagine he will adjust.
why not take a time out and unplug that phone or get a new number? he is obviously confusing you with his relentless pursuit.
why not tell him you need some time alone and take it? how he handles this request will be very telling. if he does not honor your request, then you might want to think about how he will bulldoze you in the future.
take care of yourself and your son. you've stated that this man is bringing out the worst in you. pay attention to that. in a healthy relationship, the other person brings out the best in you.
the dynamic you have explained of you saying mean, hurtful things to him in anger and him taking it sounds like a very unhealthy energy exchange.
you might want to ask yourself when have you felt this way before in your life?
as for forgiveness and your son's question to you, you can forgive him and still move on your way.
another thing for you to consider is that he is a recovering alcoholic and could relapse in the future. given his talent for lying, i wouldn't even take his sobriety as a given.
i would imagine if you did move in with him, that you would uncover many other things of which he has not been straight forward with you about.
please, consider going no contact and give yourself some time to recover from this betrayal.
naive
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hey gang,
Time to go for a walk around the block. Breathe some air. Call your sponsor. Whatever. You're not helping anybody if you are all "triggered" and shooting from the hip.
It's kind of obvious when a thread goes over 50 posts, ya know?
Mike
Moderator, SoberRecovery
Time to go for a walk around the block. Breathe some air. Call your sponsor. Whatever. You're not helping anybody if you are all "triggered" and shooting from the hip.
It's kind of obvious when a thread goes over 50 posts, ya know?
Mike
Moderator, SoberRecovery
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