I'm so lost...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by lostfrmbetrayal 
he used.
10 years. ****and he used.
this was the first weekend since nc that my son was away with his dad. **he couldn't reach me/get to me. *he drove himself crazy when all I would have had to do was answer the fricking phone and he wouldn't have done it!
I am so responsible for the 10 years of sobriety he had that are now gone. *had I only answered the phone. *
now I feel even worse. **I shouldn't have been so selfish. *I should of helped him. **he is a person, another human being and having the knowledge of knowing I could have helped him (15 minutes on the phone.... that's it) ...but I didn't. *i failed and made a huge mistake.. *everyone is telling me nc, nc, nc. **!!!! **and this is what happens. *
I do... I feel so responsible for this. *what about his kids? his grandkids? **what now? **it all is and is all going to be my fault. **
10 years. ****and he used.
this was the first weekend since nc that my son was away with his dad. **he couldn't reach me/get to me. *he drove himself crazy when all I would have had to do was answer the fricking phone and he wouldn't have done it!
I am so responsible for the 10 years of sobriety he had that are now gone. *had I only answered the phone. *
now I feel even worse. **I shouldn't have been so selfish. *I should of helped him. **he is a person, another human being and having the knowledge of knowing I could have helped him (15 minutes on the phone.... that's it) ...but I didn't. *i failed and made a huge mistake.. *everyone is telling me nc, nc, nc. **!!!! **and this is what happens. *
I do... I feel so responsible for this. *what about his kids? his grandkids? **what now? **it all is and is all going to be my fault. **
When I relapsed after 4 years clean/sober, I can assure you it was no one's fault but my own.
He's a grown man, yes? He should have thought about his kids/grandkids BEFORE he used.
I robbed my daughters of having a fully and emotionally present mother all those years I stayed engaged in crappy dysfunctional relationships after I went through rehab.
Let go or be dragged.
Just be forewarned that even though you feel you may be shielding your son against this man, your son is getting dragged too because you can't tell me you are fully there for your son right now.
Been there, done that, got that t-shirt. I caused a lot of pain for both of my daughters.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Manipulation it is. And here is something else I'll toss out there. Doubtful he was 10 years sober. We know that he has a pattern of lying. Yes I know breakups are tough but someone with 10 years sober should have way better coping skills by then. Someone sober a year? Probably not. Ten years and he couldn't find the tools to withstand the urge? It tells me that he probably relapsed quite a few times.
Don't feel bad AT ALL. Life is about ups and downs. He can't weather this has nothing to do with you. He relapsed (if he did) because he hasn't figured out how to deal with lifes ups and downs without using. Period. Has nothing to do with you or anyone else.
Don't feel bad AT ALL. Life is about ups and downs. He can't weather this has nothing to do with you. He relapsed (if he did) because he hasn't figured out how to deal with lifes ups and downs without using. Period. Has nothing to do with you or anyone else.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by lostfrmbetrayal
he used.
I am so responsible for the 10 years of sobriety he had that are now gone. *had I only answered the phone. *
now I feel even worse. **I shouldn't have been so selfish. *I should of helped him. **he is a person, another human being and having the knowledge of knowing I could have helped him (15 minutes on the phone.... that's it) ...but I didn't. *i failed and made a huge mistake.. *everyone is telling me nc, nc, nc. **!!!! **and this is what happens. *
I do... I feel so responsible for this. *what about his kids? his grandkids? **what now? **it all is and is all going to be my fault. **
I am so responsible for the 10 years of sobriety he had that are now gone. *had I only answered the phone. *
now I feel even worse. **I shouldn't have been so selfish. *I should of helped him. **he is a person, another human being and having the knowledge of knowing I could have helped him (15 minutes on the phone.... that's it) ...but I didn't. *i failed and made a huge mistake.. *everyone is telling me nc, nc, nc. **!!!! **and this is what happens. *
I do... I feel so responsible for this. *what about his kids? his grandkids? **what now? **it all is and is all going to be my fault. **
Erm, no, sorry. You don't have that kind of power. You're not responsible for any other human being on this planet except yourself, and your underage son. And no, you also do not get to blame the "no contact" advice from the folks here for anything that happens. In fact, this is so over the top that I wonder if you are trolling. Sorry, it's just that each post from you seems designed to "push buttons". If you're not trolling and this is in fact real, then it also seems obvious that he's trying to manipulate you yet again.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
You have done so well. His actions are not your fault. None of them. You can't control his actions no matter what you do or do not do.
This man doesn't want to cherish you, he wants to own you. You are saying 'no' and like a kid in the candy aisle he is having a massive tantrum. He is upping the anty because he isn't getting his way. He's very good at it and knows exactly which buttons to push. He begged, pleaded, bartered, and now he's doing the equivalent of laying down and banging his head on the floor.
Listen to the actions, not the words. His actions are not a reflection of love. That is not what love looks or feels like.
Hang in there Lisa. You are smart. You are strong. You are a good mom. There were two things that I was told when I first came here that I repeated over and over when I was in the thick of it. I can relate to a good share of your struggles so I'll share them again with you in case they might help. 1) Just do the next right thing. That was the thing that was in my best interest and the best interest of my kids. 2) Put on my armour because I was about to enter a war.
I often struggled with figuring out the 'right thing' but I worked at it until I knew in my head what was right for me. I often didn't feel it in my heart because of confusion, or fear, or the incredible unease/discomfort I felt if he was unhappy. I'm smart. I went with what I knew logically was right. Then I pictured myself putting on that suit of armour. It felt like a war for my very sanity. The stakes were high and some battles won, and others lost, but I won the war. I think you will too. Armour up.
******{hug}}}}
This man doesn't want to cherish you, he wants to own you. You are saying 'no' and like a kid in the candy aisle he is having a massive tantrum. He is upping the anty because he isn't getting his way. He's very good at it and knows exactly which buttons to push. He begged, pleaded, bartered, and now he's doing the equivalent of laying down and banging his head on the floor.
Listen to the actions, not the words. His actions are not a reflection of love. That is not what love looks or feels like.
Hang in there Lisa. You are smart. You are strong. You are a good mom. There were two things that I was told when I first came here that I repeated over and over when I was in the thick of it. I can relate to a good share of your struggles so I'll share them again with you in case they might help. 1) Just do the next right thing. That was the thing that was in my best interest and the best interest of my kids. 2) Put on my armour because I was about to enter a war.
I often struggled with figuring out the 'right thing' but I worked at it until I knew in my head what was right for me. I often didn't feel it in my heart because of confusion, or fear, or the incredible unease/discomfort I felt if he was unhappy. I'm smart. I went with what I knew logically was right. Then I pictured myself putting on that suit of armour. It felt like a war for my very sanity. The stakes were high and some battles won, and others lost, but I won the war. I think you will too. Armour up.
******{hug}}}}
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