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Old 09-11-2010, 01:01 PM
  # 61 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by coyote21 View Post
May be tell him you and the other womans husband are going away for the weekend to discuss what has happened. See what his response is?

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
--
The other womans husband was so distraught that he sent me a text message saying that he and i should have sex to get back at them... I replied that as much as i understand how he feels and that I have thought of ways to hurt my b/f and had thoughts of doing it... that we cannot allow their horrible actions to dicate our own. And that i choose not to stoop to their level. He replied that he respects that and understands, but "thought it was worth a try".

My b/f saw that text. It didn't upset him to badly at all - but that's because he saw my reply to him...and i guess it "comforted" him that i wouldnt do it?
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Old 09-11-2010, 01:04 PM
  # 62 (permalink)  
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The other womans husband was so distraught that he sent me a text message saying that he and i should have sex to get back at them...
Creepy. No matter how bad you're hurting, that's just creepy.
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Old 09-11-2010, 01:04 PM
  # 63 (permalink)  
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It doesn't really matter if he "can and will correct" it...he can't change the past, he can't change what he did. The trust is gone.

If you give him a second chance will you trust him, will you not have any temptation to check his phone again?

I lived like this for 5 years, constantly checking up, constantly being suspicious. It's no way to live.

Did he show any signs of guilt whilst he was seeing you both? Did you suspect a thing? Did your intimate relations falter whilst he was with her? Or is he THAT GOOD at covering his ass that you didn't suspect a thing?!

He wasn't sorry when he was doing it, he even kept the pictures. He's only sorry you caught him.

Him saying she's a "horrible woman" only shows the type of man he is. Why is the OW "horrible" whether she knew about you or not...HE KNEW ABOUT YOU. He made the COMMITMENT to you. Why is he not horrible...why is he shifting the blame and hiding behind God and his sponsor?

Huge red flags imo. I was with a manipulating cheat for 7 years. I recognise all the signs.
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Old 09-11-2010, 01:05 PM
  # 64 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
Lost, you will ultimately do whatever you want to do. We have tried our best to dissuade you from continuing in a relationship with this guy, but when it comes right down to it, many people think they know better than a bunch of strangers on a message board. You have every right to chuck it all and give this guy the benefit of the doubt. If it were just you, I would say, go ahead if that's what you want to do. The thing is, it isn't just you, it is your son. I tend to get pretty protective of children who are or might be put in harm's way. I'm backing out of this thread now because I have said all I can to make my point. It's up to you now, whether you will heed the voices of experience here or allow him to manipulate you into a position where you won't have the freedom you have now. Good luck to you.
---

Thank you for everything you have said Sukie.. I understand that my indecisiveness can be VERY aggrivating... as if I were a friend of someone going thru this and I was outside looking in - I would get VERY angry if she was even thinking of speaking with this man again.

I get it. I think I get it all. At this point I guess it's a matter of being strong enough to fight his CONSTANT CONVINCING... that alll sounds so good to be true.

Thank you again for all the time you've spent here.
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Old 09-11-2010, 01:16 PM
  # 65 (permalink)  
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I feel so strongly for you, Lisa, as I was with the same type of person. ((((HUGS))) You WILL get through this, and you WILL be stronger as a result, if you let yourself make the right choices. The first red flag, that I should've listened to myself, is when someone says "I NEVER lie." No one should have to tell you that, especially right away. Him doing so just further proves that he already had plans to manipulate you, and felt the need to convince you of his worthiness from the get go. If someone is trustworthy they SHOW you that they are. Actions, Actions, Actions!


And the cheating is a character flaw of people, with or without alcoholism. Cheating can be a sign of sexual addiction, and a sign that his "10 years sober" may have just been sobriety from alcohol just shifting to a different gear. People can still get some sort of "high" out of doing what they aren't supposed to do.

My XABF was also cheating with a married woman, whom he claimed he was only with BEFORE our relationship started. I've found out many more details later on and it doesn't get any prettier from there. He also BEGGED, PLEADED, CRIED, said God will bring us back together, everything yours said. He would also tell me what "other" people told him, as yours did with his "sponsor", which I'm sure is a complete utter lie. That is a tactic to dumb you down and make you second guess your decisions.


I stayed with him for a while. The.Trust.Was.Gone! I always felt resentment. Never could take it easy, and YES, obsessively checked the phone. That is no way to have a relationship.

Just like you I also thought, well he MUST really care if he's going through SOOO much just to convince me of all of this. Well he tried hard for about a month, then gave up. And guess what? I haven't heard a peep from him in 6 weeks!

But I finally realize now that this is a GAME. I hope you can see that too. He just wants to win. It's not that he cares, it's not that he's being truthful. He doesn't want to be the loser that he probably knows he is on the inside.


I don't know where this guy really is, but I'd bet pretty much everything I own that he is not on a "quiet retreat with his sponsor." He's more that likely off with some other woman or some of his friends and they may even be reading these texts and have a grand old time laughing about it. From what you have told us about him, I have absolutely NOTHING good to say about this guy. He is a jerk and a liar and a manipulator and just a pile of dog crap that you have stepped in. Scrape him off your shoe and move on.
Suki I thought the exact same thing. I have dated men who would call me DURING their sexual escapades with the other woman.

At the end of the day though, you will make your decision, whichever you decide is best. You may have to go back a few more times, and learn the hard way. But, I do believe that our God is a just God and that you will see the light of the truth eventually. You will be just fine. Take care of yourself and don't lose hope, and also take care of your precious son, you sound like a great mother. Good luck!
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Old 09-11-2010, 01:20 PM
  # 66 (permalink)  
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Every time I start to feel strong -he then says or texts the next convincing thing:
"
My tendencies to my compulsivity and obsessiveness which are traits among all those who have addictions -got the best of me.


I am a recovering alcoholic and any tendencies towards compulsivity and obsessiveness had to be treated by a professional. I have a major depressive disorder, and those tendencies might have made me self medicate with alcohol, seems like he replaced one addiction with another.

This I CAN correct and WILL correct!! I'm promising you NOW that nothing like this will ever happen again to you!
Pretty bold statement from someone who was caught red handed. If he believes he CAN correct it, it sounds like SELF-WILL run riot. Promises? Words, words, words. Words mean nothing, action is what counts.


I am going to show you how wonderful you are... you are going to be treated so special by me that you will have no other choice but to believe in me again- I PROMISE YOU!!!"
More words, words, words. I can tell you how wonderful you are. You are the only person on the planet like you, you are the mother of a son. You are imperfectly perfect and can choose on your own whom to believe. The phrase I bolded kinda speaks to his arrogance. Believe in yourself. Believe in
your higher power. Believe in your son. Do not believe this lying manipulative cheater.

---really, why is he trying so hard if he doesn't mean it?

He might mean it in the sense he will prove to you what a great guy he is, and then prove to you you deserve all his greatness. But, it is not about love for you, it is love of himself.

Beth
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Old 09-11-2010, 01:20 PM
  # 67 (permalink)  
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You don't have to fight his "constant convincing". You can choose to let this rest for awhile and tell him you need time and space.

Right now he's acting like a spoiled kid from whom someone has taken a toy, whaa, whaa, whaa, I want my toy back, Mommy(insert sponsor here) I've lost my toy and want it back, what can I say to get her back in line?????? I promise never to talk back again, to never have flings (that you can find out about), I promise to show you how special you are to me, I will love ya foreverrrr.... You are my truest love, blah, blah blah....

It's hard to step away and it hurts tons. It's hard to accept that we've been played. Life shouldn't be this way, but with this guy, it is. It is. I would toss my phone down the toilet before I'd reply to another text. Let him sqirm while you find yourself and your direction again. Each detour is another trip down misery lane.
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Old 09-11-2010, 01:24 PM
  # 68 (permalink)  
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P.S. I've been on this website for a few months now, and I thank God for these people, truly! I did NOT want to hear what they had to say at first, it hurt. I wanted them to tell me that he would change, things would get better. Well, that's not what I got, but I got a lot of wisdom that ended up being so truthful I couldn't believe I hadn't seen it before. This site was the only thing that kept me from going back, so any time I felt myself falter, I logged on and posted, or read another story, and kept my resolve. This is such a precious resource and I hope you continue to use it!
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Old 09-11-2010, 01:25 PM
  # 69 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by ladybug96 View Post
Wow, I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I am hoping that you listen to my advice, because I wish that I would have gone onto a site like this and asked for advice when I was in this same situation. My ex husband was a complete liar and cheater. I found notes here and there, weird text messages, bizarre phone calls, yet I was in denial because he assured me he would never cheat. He said he was not a cheater and would never do that to me. Well I found out (by walking in on him having sex with our next door neighbor), and was devastated. Seven years later, I still can close my eyes and visualize every inch of what I saw that day. I later found out he had had several different woman throughout our 7 year marriage. He even had a child with one, who was married, although they never took a paternity test to prove it was his. What I am trying to say is, once a cheater, always a cheater. He is now re-married and guess what??? He cheated on her, too.
Only you know what you can live with, but I could not live with what I had seen with my own two eyes. I wish I would have realized what a scum he was earlier in our relationship, as we have a daughter together who now has a split family. However, she is my world and the only good that came of the relationship.

Trust me, cheaters always cheat again. He probably has done this throughout his life and just wont admit to it. Cut all contact and move on with your life. Your son deserves to have a wonderful role model in his life, or none at all- not one like this!
I agree with all you said except that "once a cheater always a cheater"

I had an affair on my ex many years ago. I paid a heavy price for that and it took many years of therapy and soul searching to heal from that. I will never cheat again, and not just because of the other person, but because of what it did to damage my spirit.

Once a serial cheater, always a serial cheater............yes, but not all cheaters cheat again.
Some of us were wise enough to change.
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Old 09-11-2010, 01:26 PM
  # 70 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by lostfrmbetrayal View Post
---

Thank you for everything you have said Sukie.. I understand that my indecisiveness can be VERY aggrivating... as if I were a friend of someone going thru this and I was outside looking in - I would get VERY angry if she was even thinking of speaking with this man again.

I get it. I think I get it all. At this point I guess it's a matter of being strong enough to fight his CONSTANT CONVINCING... that alll sounds so good to be true.

Thank you again for all the time you've spent here.
Meh, go easy on yourself. You're still in shock, this is so fresh and it's easy for those who are not emotionally involved to tell you how you should be acting at this point in time,

You will very likely sit on the fence for a while, so just be gentle with yourself,
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Old 09-11-2010, 01:29 PM
  # 71 (permalink)  
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The reason he was not upset about the husbands come on was because he doesn't give a hoot. THIS IS A GAME TO HIM, one he wants to win, for now, once he wins it's over. It has nothing to do with your reply.

He is on a retreat? I doubt it. He is a professional liar. That is what he does for fun, to feed his ego, to entice and keep spiders in his web.

Again, and for the last time, I recommend No Contact. What have you got to lose? If you are his moon and stars, he will understand and wait patiently.

Please listen to Laurie, Suki, Tally and others, they do know what they are talking about.

I too, am backing out of this thread, you are very consumed with this man, and, to me are not thinking with your head, you are exactly the kind of person this loser preys on.

My only concern is for your son, he deserves so much more. You hold the key to his future in the palm of your hand, I am afraid you are about to open the wrong door. But that too, is soley your decision.

Best of luck,
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Old 09-11-2010, 01:33 PM
  # 72 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Summerpeach View Post
I agree with all you said except that "once a cheater always a cheater"

I had an affair on my ex many years ago. I paid a heavy price for that and it took many years of therapy and soul searching to heal from that. I will never cheat again, and not just because of the other person, but because of what it did to damage my spirit.

Once a serial cheater, always a serial cheater............yes, but not all cheaters cheat again.
Some of us were wise enough to change.
-----

Then maybe he means what he says?? Maybe he feels like you did and will change because he says it hurt his spirit, just like you said it hurt yours !!!????

What if he means it and i walk away??
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Old 09-11-2010, 01:34 PM
  # 73 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by lostfrmbetrayal View Post
Every time I start to feel strong -he then says or texts the next convincing thing:

"My tendencies to my compulsivity and obsessiveness which are traits among all those who have addictions -got the best of me. This I CAN correct and WILL correct!! I'm promising you NOW that nothing like this will ever happen again to you! I am going to show you how wonderful you are... you are going to be treated so special by me that you will have no other choice but to believe in me again - I PROMISE YOU!!!"

---really, why is he trying so hard if he doesn't mean it?
IMO he is saying it because he wants you back where he had you: crazy in love, buying all the BS. We all want to have someone by our side who thinks we are just god's gift.
First he blames his bahaviour on the addiction he claimed before he has recovered well from. To me it just doesn't make sense RA of ten years that is doing well would do this. To me it just sounds like a lame excuse.
And the text in bold really sounds strange to me. He is going to show you how wonderful you are!?! This is not at all about you being or not being wonderful, it is about him treating you bad.
And he will treat you so special that you'll have no choice but to believe in him again. To me that is almost like admiting the manipulation.
All of this is just MO, but I really hope you'll at least go no contact for awhile to try sort your thoughts, you said it yourself him contacting you all the time is not helping you.
I wish you well
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Old 09-11-2010, 01:36 PM
  # 74 (permalink)  
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Sorry to hear this is all going on, lost.

I would suggest shutting off your phone and watching a funny movie with your son. With popcorn. And ice cream. Even if you can't really concentrate, it is a temporary distraction.

This is a real shock to your system and trying to resolve it AND process it at the same time doesn't give you the headspace to do anything constructive. You don't need any more information from him right now. This is not a misunderstanding, this is a bomb gone off.

In the meantime, I am sure the collective wisdom of SR can come up with some good links for you to read when you have the capacity to take them in. I'm heading out now but will put some up a bit later.
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Old 09-11-2010, 01:37 PM
  # 75 (permalink)  
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I think he is lying about what his "sponsor" is saying. I have doubts that he even has a sponsor..

If he really does have a sponsor (and if his sponsor is anything like my sponsor), he would be getting his psychic butt kicked to the curb by said sponsor and a chewing out that would make his ears curl for his dishonest and selfish behavior.

The "quiet retreat with his sponsor" also sounds like utter BS, because frankly, I know few sponsors in AA who have time to take "quiet retreats" with anyone. And the namby pamby talk he is "quoting" is just not what I would expect any sponsor to say when their sponsee says they have lied, cheated and hurt someone.

I would not read ANYMORE messages from him for at least a week.

There are master lyers and decievers in the world and honey, I think you met one. I hate to say it, but I suspect he learned a little AA jargon, a few wag the dog phrases and he decided to use that to to manipulate women. Think about it: maybe he figured it is appealing to a woman who has a bad history with an active alcoholic to meet a recovered Alcoholic? He gets the sympathy, the respect, the kudoes, the admiration, the trust. Sorry to be blunt, but... I smell a rat.

Try to get a handle on your indecisiveness, because he is using it. Give yourself a week or longer with absolutely no contact, give that week to your son, and to yourself. Tell yourself you need to think about things: no quick decisions.

If you waver...think about those pictures you saw. That should help you feel angry, and, I think anger is a really good emotion for you right now. Not sympathy, not reconciliation, not understanding. Anger. Sometimes it's okay to be angry.
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Old 09-11-2010, 01:40 PM
  # 76 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by lostfrmbetrayal View Post
-----

What if he means it and i walk away??
That is the very question that kept quite a few of us here stuck year after year in our relationships with A. In agony.
Yes, really what if?
Life is long, and if he is serious than this should not be a one time offer, do the right thing today and let the time do its work.
But I think the more imortant question is:
What if doesn't really mean it?
What than?
Are you willing to take that risk?
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Old 09-11-2010, 01:44 PM
  # 77 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by lostfrmbetrayal View Post
-----

Then maybe he means what he says?? Maybe he feels like you did and will change because he says it hurt his spirit, just like you said it hurt yours !!!????

What if he means it and i walk away??
He may mean what he says now, but as soon as he has you back, he won't!
It's a game. I didn't play games, I had an affair because I fell in love with the other man. I was going to leave my ex and was hoping for a future with the other man (ickkky when I think of that now).
Your BF sounds like he was doing it for the addiction of it and the thrill.
I only knew how much it hurt my spirit months later.
When I was doing it, I felt entitled. Then my ex left me for another woman, so I had A LOT of time to realize what a a&&hole I was.

I do sympathize because I still love my current ex and I wonder if he can change his ways, but in either case, you need to step back and heal from it no matter what.
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Old 09-11-2010, 01:49 PM
  # 78 (permalink)  
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My tendencies to my compulsivity and obsessiveness which are traits among all those who have addictions -got the best of me.
No, not all those who have addictions cheat. He is blaming his hurtful choices and disgusting behavior on "compulsivity and obsessiveness" and you are buying it.

I am going to show you how wonderful you are... you are going to be treated so special by me that you will have no other choice but to believe in me again...
I am insulted by this person's words and don't understand why you are not also.
1. No one needs to show me how wonderful I am because I already KNOW how wonderful I am.
2. No one needs to treat me specially because I already DO that for myself.
He is telling you that, by his actions, he can control you. And it is working. You are letting him control you.

When you are through letting someone else control you, make your decisions, and run your life, you will know. Please know that when you are ready, your family, Al-Anon and SR will all be there for you.

My last bit of advice is to reiterate what has already been said: Stop talking to him and go No Contact. And go to Al-Anon.
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Old 09-11-2010, 01:51 PM
  # 79 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by sesh View Post
That is the very question that kept quite a few of us here stuck year after year in our relationships with A. In agony.
Yes, really what if?
Life is long, and if he is serious than this should not be a one time offer, do the right thing today and let the time do its work.
But I think the more imortant question is:
What if doesn't really mean it?
What than?
Are you willing to take that risk?
I wish I could hit "Thanks" on this post twice.

Time will tell if he's truly willing to heal, until that time, read, cry, al anon, friends, movies, dinners, more friends and take care of YOU!
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Old 09-11-2010, 02:00 PM
  # 80 (permalink)  
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Gosh, I just thought of this, what if you decide to get back with him and everything works out for a while and he stays true, who will he go to for pictures holding the fridge?

Is this a man who lives a spiritual life? I don't mean to offend or be rude, but what if he asked the same crap from you? Goodness gracious, whatever happened to things staying in the bedroom, not on your phone? I wonder if he showed these to his buds at work? Did they get great laughs out of these? Cheating is one thing, which is bad enough, but to take pics with his phone and carry them around, he seems much sicker to me than just a cheater, imho. Maybe I'm just too old fashioned.
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