I'm so lost...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 29
yes.... sadly I'm still allowing him to grovel (spelling?)
cuz he changed his tune when I said to him what I posted.
you may not agree that I'm allowing him to continue to tell me' how sorry he is, and I so can appreciate that...
but please be somewhat proud of one thing?
I have not moved and don't plan to... I have arrangements to swallow my pride and face the humiliation of going to my sons old school and daycare tomorrow to re-enroll him.
I'm going back to the way it was... when I was safe.
I beg for all of your patience and understanding
how
cuz he changed his tune when I said to him what I posted.
you may not agree that I'm allowing him to continue to tell me' how sorry he is, and I so can appreciate that...
but please be somewhat proud of one thing?
I have not moved and don't plan to... I have arrangements to swallow my pride and face the humiliation of going to my sons old school and daycare tomorrow to re-enroll him.
I'm going back to the way it was... when I was safe.
I beg for all of your patience and understanding
how
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
You do NOT need to apologize to any of us for making your own decisions in life! But I am SO relieved you are not going to move in with him!
YAY! for lostfrmbetrayal!!!
I don't think you should feel humiliated for making the healthier decision to keep your son in his own home. I think you should be PROUD OF YOURSELF for doing what you know in your heart to be the healthier choice. Keep your head up girl! Do not let other people cause you to second guess what your gut is telling you to do. Follow those instincts!!!
YAY! for lostfrmbetrayal!!!
I don't think you should feel humiliated for making the healthier decision to keep your son in his own home. I think you should be PROUD OF YOURSELF for doing what you know in your heart to be the healthier choice. Keep your head up girl! Do not let other people cause you to second guess what your gut is telling you to do. Follow those instincts!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: southport merseyside
Posts: 536
Originally Posted by lostfrmbetrayal 
I asked him that question... he said it is God's will. That as long as he doesn't ignore God anymore (as he says that is what he has been doing this whole time) he will be able to live the right way and treat me the way I deserve to be treated.
You see.. I've never been faced with this before. I've never been so undecided. I'm able to make good decisions. I used to always trust my instincts and I'd never before ignored red flags. For goodness sakes... I'm a 37 year old woman. I've come far in my life because of my instincts! Why all of a sudden now... with this man am I doubting myself? Why in God's name was it 10 times easier to walk away from my HUSBAND! The father of my son... the man I took vows with and spent all of those years with? Rather than walking away from a man I've known.... what? 8 - 9 months?
What happened to me?
You see.. I've never been faced with this before. I've never been so undecided. I'm able to make good decisions. I used to always trust my instincts and I'd never before ignored red flags. For goodness sakes... I'm a 37 year old woman. I've come far in my life because of my instincts! Why all of a sudden now... with this man am I doubting myself? Why in God's name was it 10 times easier to walk away from my HUSBAND! The father of my son... the man I took vows with and spent all of those years with? Rather than walking away from a man I've known.... what? 8 - 9 months?
What happened to me?
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: southport merseyside
Posts: 536
Originally Posted by Summerpeach
Ok, wow, I have a lot to say here. First off, HUGE HUG. I am only 5 weeks out from finding out my recovering ex cheated on me so I am still very raw so I can relate to your pain right now.
I won't tell you to stay or leave or not have contact, because this is a process you need to get through your own way and at your own pace.
The way I see it, contact is important in order for closure and to help make your transition easier.
The extent that he's grovelling, begging and continuing the lies (saying OW is a liar) shows me he has a serious personality flaw. Addict or not. I know many addicts who are not master liars and manipulators. Most lie and manipulate, but not masters! Actually, every lies so....
In my case, I found a woman's pics on my ex's cell and he gave me half/trickled truths before I walked away. Most people, when caught, feel ashamed of their actions. In your case, he has no shame
My ex didn't grovel, he blamed and was not too nice to me once I caught him and asked him to explain, but he never begged for me back and said he would have left me also had I cheated. He never tried to convince me to stay. Though I would have liked to see more caring and remorse for ripping my heart out.
And I agree this pain is worse than any other pain a human can feel. I think I posted something here that talked about how cheating is abuse and how some people say they were raped and the pain of being raped didn't compare to being cheating and lied to.
The one thing that is true, many addict self sabotage. My ex admitted he did this because our relationship was difficult and we didn't really know how to work it out and i said some mean things to him during our relationship, so in my case, since he was not able to express his feelings, he built resentments and cheated. He even admitted it was done a little out of spite.
My ex has been only 2 yrs sober and not worked his steps. He also told me he was going to work his steps and fix this because he just needs to get better and needs to understand why he did this. Blowing smoke up my a^ss? Maybe, but I can't concern myself with this. For his kids sake, I hope he decides to face his HP and become an honest man.
I'm in Al Anon and working on me. Of course I want to believe him, but believing someone who so blatantly lied to my face and had this affair would be stupid of me. Because of these lies, I have been tearing my head apart wondering how many more there were and how deep his cheating was going.
The only way to believe or regain trust in someone who committed such acts of deceptions are to stand back and let them heal. If they heal and are truly remorseful, you'll know.
People can change, people can get well, but people with a serious personality disorder cannot heal or change.
There actions once you leave speak volumes as well.
If they run out to just hook up and continuing lying and act like filth, then all the better that you got out.
My suggestion would be to get to Al Anon ASAP, get to therapy and ask him to stop contacting you until you can sort this out in your head.
Things happen for a reason, you found this out before selling your home and displacing your son, your HP rocks in this case.
Imagine you moved in with this guy?! ugh!!!
I know you're scared, please keep posting and talking and posting and talk some more
I won't tell you to stay or leave or not have contact, because this is a process you need to get through your own way and at your own pace.
The way I see it, contact is important in order for closure and to help make your transition easier.
The extent that he's grovelling, begging and continuing the lies (saying OW is a liar) shows me he has a serious personality flaw. Addict or not. I know many addicts who are not master liars and manipulators. Most lie and manipulate, but not masters! Actually, every lies so....
In my case, I found a woman's pics on my ex's cell and he gave me half/trickled truths before I walked away. Most people, when caught, feel ashamed of their actions. In your case, he has no shame
My ex didn't grovel, he blamed and was not too nice to me once I caught him and asked him to explain, but he never begged for me back and said he would have left me also had I cheated. He never tried to convince me to stay. Though I would have liked to see more caring and remorse for ripping my heart out.
And I agree this pain is worse than any other pain a human can feel. I think I posted something here that talked about how cheating is abuse and how some people say they were raped and the pain of being raped didn't compare to being cheating and lied to.
The one thing that is true, many addict self sabotage. My ex admitted he did this because our relationship was difficult and we didn't really know how to work it out and i said some mean things to him during our relationship, so in my case, since he was not able to express his feelings, he built resentments and cheated. He even admitted it was done a little out of spite.
My ex has been only 2 yrs sober and not worked his steps. He also told me he was going to work his steps and fix this because he just needs to get better and needs to understand why he did this. Blowing smoke up my a^ss? Maybe, but I can't concern myself with this. For his kids sake, I hope he decides to face his HP and become an honest man.
I'm in Al Anon and working on me. Of course I want to believe him, but believing someone who so blatantly lied to my face and had this affair would be stupid of me. Because of these lies, I have been tearing my head apart wondering how many more there were and how deep his cheating was going.
The only way to believe or regain trust in someone who committed such acts of deceptions are to stand back and let them heal. If they heal and are truly remorseful, you'll know.
People can change, people can get well, but people with a serious personality disorder cannot heal or change.
There actions once you leave speak volumes as well.
If they run out to just hook up and continuing lying and act like filth, then all the better that you got out.
My suggestion would be to get to Al Anon ASAP, get to therapy and ask him to stop contacting you until you can sort this out in your head.
Things happen for a reason, you found this out before selling your home and displacing your son, your HP rocks in this case.
Imagine you moved in with this guy?! ugh!!!
I know you're scared, please keep posting and talking and posting and talk some more
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
5 stages of grief; oh yeah I forgot depression.......anger,denial,bargaining,acceptanc e....until we finally get to and stay in acceptance and I am finally there by the grace of God. Really....if I hadn't gone to Alanon or come here to Sober Recovery I could still be stuck in the yuck......sick in the ick......Acceptance.......the answer to everything.......Now I wake up in gratitude....instead of fear or anger.......or depression.......
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
My XAH never owned up to any of the bad things he did; secretly filming and taping, going on Match.com saying he was divorced when he wasn't, hiding money, taking pills, (was open and I knew about pot and booze), blaming me for carwrecks on insurance, denting my car and not telling me,never filing the papers to our house with the county when we bought the house from his brother with 50% my money too.....,(so when we seperated his brother owned the house )??????WTF???????? After that one his lawyer dumped him. I got a $ payoff......'cause I had a good lawyer......He actually had no conscious and no amount of me wanting for him to admit his mistakes it wasn't going to happen. It was something I had to accept and life got alot easier when I did. He now blames me for all the problems he has including he is losing that house.....says I ruined his kids (my stepkids) lives. His kids have nothing to do with him because he is a drunk. They have their own lives and are in their mid 20's. I had a great relationship with the kids when we were married. BUT the X has to blame me so he doesn't look at himself. He chose too drink and drive which gave him DUI's. He chose not to complete treatment which made him lose his good job....$50,000 a yr. He went to jail for dui's and not showing up for court and showing up intoxicated. I had nothing to do with his choices. I did overeact some (before Alanon) and learning to detach. I did engage with him when he was drinking.....didn't know better again, before Alanon. Now....3yrs. after divorce I think he was a sociopath or psychopath. I doubt if he ever owns up to his mistakes. Acceptance for me is the answer to everything. Serenity prayer....some things I can't change......A big part of letting him go was seeing the real deal.....who he was......lier, cheat, drunk, addict, sex/porn addict......jerk......out to use people......and yes....he has a new victim.......sometimes I want to warn her. She was a friend of mine.....but that is tricky so I will stay in my own hoola-hoop and mind my own business. I am free. I am in acceptance. I am in gratitude.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Originally Posted by lostfrmbetrayal
now he is calling it.... (ready for this??) :
"untreated alcoholism"
as a non-alcoholic myself, I have no clue what this means... can anyone explain or make any sense of this for me'?
"untreated alcoholism"
as a non-alcoholic myself, I have no clue what this means... can anyone explain or make any sense of this for me'?
his behavior?
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Originally Posted by kia
alcoholics from what ive seen make very little sense with anything that comes from their mouths xx
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
So what is he waiting for.....the Sobriety Wizard to zap him, someone to pick him up and deliver him to the magic place where addictions are removed painlessly?
It isn't going to happen.
He can sit there, quacking excuses forever, and he still will be a lying, manipulative, alcoholic, cheating jerk.
Stay in touch here and gain strength and purpose from the support and help you get.
Let him quack and ignore it all, block him, cut him off.....he does not exist for you.
It isn't going to happen.
He can sit there, quacking excuses forever, and he still will be a lying, manipulative, alcoholic, cheating jerk.
Stay in touch here and gain strength and purpose from the support and help you get.
Let him quack and ignore it all, block him, cut him off.....he does not exist for you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 29
I blocked his phone # through AT&T Smart Limits.
So, he came to my house.
I told him it's over and that he needs to leave. He argued and attempted to conjur up some tears... he didn't do so good.
He told me he wants all his stuff back that may be here at my house... i told him i'd get it all together for him.
He left.
I DON'T feel BETTER.... WHYYYY ?
So, he came to my house.
I told him it's over and that he needs to leave. He argued and attempted to conjur up some tears... he didn't do so good.
He told me he wants all his stuff back that may be here at my house... i told him i'd get it all together for him.
He left.
I DON'T feel BETTER.... WHYYYY ?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: CT
Posts: 42
Lisa, I don't have the slightest idea of the pain you must be feeling. I can tell you that you and your son are in my prayers. I pray that you are able to find peace and courage to do what you need/must do. I cannot tell you what to do but know that God (Or whatever name you call him) loves you. You have nothing to be humilated about.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
sweetheart,
i think you don't feel better because this really, really, really sucks. it sounds SO painful i can hardly imagine it.
you are going to feel pretty rotten for awhile i think. my belief is, you get through it. you feel lousy, cry, unload, post here, isolate yourself (not cuz you're supposed to, but it's cuz it's what we do) and feel those horrible emotions. then one day you notice you don't feel as crummy. one day, the sun comes out.
it's a slow process, but you WILL come out on the other side.
i think that being in relationship with a psychopath has gotta be the worst.
so sorry
i think you don't feel better because this really, really, really sucks. it sounds SO painful i can hardly imagine it.
you are going to feel pretty rotten for awhile i think. my belief is, you get through it. you feel lousy, cry, unload, post here, isolate yourself (not cuz you're supposed to, but it's cuz it's what we do) and feel those horrible emotions. then one day you notice you don't feel as crummy. one day, the sun comes out.
it's a slow process, but you WILL come out on the other side.
i think that being in relationship with a psychopath has gotta be the worst.
so sorry
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Okay.
I could have predicted that he would accuse you of infidelity.
I could have predicted that as soon as you blocked the phone he would show up.
This fits to a tee a certain disorder personality type.
Part of that definition (and only part!) is ABUSER.
It's not over yet...hmmm...(I said mark my words in an earlier post..need to go see what that was about LOL)
Anyway, it is not over yet.
He isn't used to not being able to sway you or at the very least confuse you.
He isn't accepting that you are not available to him and he means to show you that you are.
He will prove to you that you don't call the shots, he does.
I believe that this has the very real possibility of putting you in danger beyond the heartache of being betrayed.
There are more than a few of us who have said...we know this type.
If you check out our stories you are going to find that we were abused..seriously, psychologically, (mentally..i.e., ability to think...and emotionally) and physically.
Look at how very sick you have gotten so very quickly.
It can and does get continually worse.
I hope you have continued to see your therapist.
I would also like to STRONGLY suggest you make an appmt with your local domestic violence center. It is not the same thing as your counselor and I truly believe you need that more right now.
I named this as abuse from the time you began posting.
It is going to take some time and strong action on your part to begin to heal and feel better.
I lived this stuff.
I am lucky to have lived through it. Literally.
Today, I have moved with my sweetie to the location we chose.
It bears no resemblence whatsoever to the traumatic relationship I stayed stuck in and that almost cost me everything.
The only drama we are sharing is that he is reading a book that I have all ready read and recommended to him when he cruised through my Kindle.
I have a post here about autumn exuberance...check and see if I am not happy enough.
I am saying this because I was in your shoes a few years back.
Life can and does get better...if we seek it.
I am not about telling you "I told you so" if that is what it sounds like.
I am offering my life experience as an example.
Have you re-read through this whole post?
You may see things a bit differently now than you did a few short weeks ago?
Right now...just breathe. slowly. breathe.
Lock your house up nice and tight.
Take the phone off the hook (for him).
Have some nice warm soothing herb tea.
Look up the phone number for DV. Write it down. Phone them in the morning.
.......my advice, take it or leave it as you choose.
I really hope this gets better for you.
It took me alot of education and counseling in domestic violence to heal from this kind of relationship.
It isn't the alcohol.
THAT was a LIE.
(((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
I could have predicted that he would accuse you of infidelity.
I could have predicted that as soon as you blocked the phone he would show up.
This fits to a tee a certain disorder personality type.
Part of that definition (and only part!) is ABUSER.
It's not over yet...hmmm...(I said mark my words in an earlier post..need to go see what that was about LOL)
Anyway, it is not over yet.
He isn't used to not being able to sway you or at the very least confuse you.
He isn't accepting that you are not available to him and he means to show you that you are.
He will prove to you that you don't call the shots, he does.
I believe that this has the very real possibility of putting you in danger beyond the heartache of being betrayed.
There are more than a few of us who have said...we know this type.
If you check out our stories you are going to find that we were abused..seriously, psychologically, (mentally..i.e., ability to think...and emotionally) and physically.
Look at how very sick you have gotten so very quickly.
It can and does get continually worse.
I hope you have continued to see your therapist.
I would also like to STRONGLY suggest you make an appmt with your local domestic violence center. It is not the same thing as your counselor and I truly believe you need that more right now.
I named this as abuse from the time you began posting.
It is going to take some time and strong action on your part to begin to heal and feel better.
I lived this stuff.
I am lucky to have lived through it. Literally.
Today, I have moved with my sweetie to the location we chose.
It bears no resemblence whatsoever to the traumatic relationship I stayed stuck in and that almost cost me everything.
The only drama we are sharing is that he is reading a book that I have all ready read and recommended to him when he cruised through my Kindle.
I have a post here about autumn exuberance...check and see if I am not happy enough.
I am saying this because I was in your shoes a few years back.
Life can and does get better...if we seek it.
I am not about telling you "I told you so" if that is what it sounds like.
I am offering my life experience as an example.
Have you re-read through this whole post?
You may see things a bit differently now than you did a few short weeks ago?
Right now...just breathe. slowly. breathe.
Lock your house up nice and tight.
Take the phone off the hook (for him).
Have some nice warm soothing herb tea.
Look up the phone number for DV. Write it down. Phone them in the morning.
.......my advice, take it or leave it as you choose.
I really hope this gets better for you.
It took me alot of education and counseling in domestic violence to heal from this kind of relationship.
It isn't the alcohol.
THAT was a LIE.
(((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
Last edited by Live; 10-16-2010 at 06:57 PM. Reason: typo
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Hey Y'all
Because this is a LONG thread and has alot of responses I decided to try to get some clarity by trying something new. (to me).
I liked it.
What I did and am doing is picking out one poster (yeah, like myself) who has responded and then scanning through the thread reading only that poster's responses.
It makes it much more cohesive and cogent.
I was glad to see that I was consistent in my message and I feel that my integrity with this thread is solid.
Lost, I suggest you try that...as it really is more confusing reading (but no less accurate) taking it all as a mixed chunk.
And, of course it did develop somewhat as a dialogue, understandably.
L2L...I am checking you out next! LOL (((((((((((((hugs, gal!)))))))))))
Lost, would you be interested in me posting some links for additional information and resources?
I found a site that interested me last night.
I continue to learn about abuse as it is the singlemost confusing episode in my life.
What has been going on over the last few weeks, if you feel like sharing?
Since the whole schmeal is progressive, it might help us better to understand what is going on now.
People here really are not judging you.....we care.
Because this is a LONG thread and has alot of responses I decided to try to get some clarity by trying something new. (to me).
I liked it.
What I did and am doing is picking out one poster (yeah, like myself) who has responded and then scanning through the thread reading only that poster's responses.
It makes it much more cohesive and cogent.
I was glad to see that I was consistent in my message and I feel that my integrity with this thread is solid.
Lost, I suggest you try that...as it really is more confusing reading (but no less accurate) taking it all as a mixed chunk.
And, of course it did develop somewhat as a dialogue, understandably.
L2L...I am checking you out next! LOL (((((((((((((hugs, gal!)))))))))))
Lost, would you be interested in me posting some links for additional information and resources?
I found a site that interested me last night.
I continue to learn about abuse as it is the singlemost confusing episode in my life.
What has been going on over the last few weeks, if you feel like sharing?
Since the whole schmeal is progressive, it might help us better to understand what is going on now.
People here really are not judging you.....we care.
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