Blogs


Notices

I'm so lost...

Old 09-11-2010, 05:09 PM
  # 101 (permalink)  
Member
 
peachblueberry's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Arkansas
Posts: 11
A guy who does that doesn't deserve a second chance from you, no matter how sorry he claims to be, or even how sorry he is! I've tried giving second chances to cheaters, and they don't ever change. If he knew how wrong it was and how sorry he'd be, he wouldn't have chanced it in the first place.

I used to live with this guy I met in college, because we dated in college and then I gave him a second chance after he had cheated on me extensively with his ex. Same story in that he eventually lost both of us. I shouldn't have given him a second chance. He had a drinking problem and a drug abuse problem as well, and to this day, he owes me money I know I will never see again because I was the only one of the two of us that could hold a job.

Drop him. Please, drop him. He'll do it again and be just as "sorry".
peachblueberry is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to peachblueberry For This Useful Post:
Live (10-16-2010), zer6link (11-16-2010)
Old 09-11-2010, 05:13 PM
  # 102 (permalink)  
To thine own self be true.
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Blog Entries: 5
"Trolling" is like "flaming" on a forum like this or FB. When you "troll" you are trying to provoke someone into reacting emotionally. Kinda' like what alcoholics and addicts do when they say inflammatory things to get us to react.
Learn2Live is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to Learn2Live For This Useful Post:
Babyblue (09-12-2010), bookwyrm (09-12-2010), Live (10-16-2010), RollTide (09-11-2010), sesh (09-12-2010), wicked (09-11-2010)
Old 09-11-2010, 05:14 PM
  # 103 (permalink)  
Member
 
wicked's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Blog Entries: 1
i reacted emotionally when i saw the word troll.
bleck.
sorry.
wicked is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to wicked For This Useful Post:
Learn2Live (09-11-2010), Live (10-16-2010), sesh (09-12-2010)
Old 09-11-2010, 05:16 PM
  # 104 (permalink)  
Member
 
peachblueberry's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Arkansas
Posts: 11
That's serious stuff, guys. Cyber-stalking is a huge problem these days, and the authorities do an abysmal job of dealing with it.
peachblueberry is offline  
Old 09-11-2010, 05:26 PM
  # 105 (permalink)  
To thine own self be true.
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Blog Entries: 5
No biggee IMO. I didn't personally see anything inflammatory but I miss that kind of stuff normally
Learn2Live is offline  
Old 09-11-2010, 05:29 PM
  # 106 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,262
Blog Entries: 5
Lisa,

everything he is doing and saying is meant to control you and your reactions to this; how you will see it, how you feel, what you think about it.

Laurie was so right! He isn't working on himself, he is working on you.

Like, TJP, I know this personality type.
They can be the most charming people on earth. They will exhibit whatever "emotion" seems called for and most effective.
They can lie with the truths thrown in so well, you can never actually find the lie.

He wants you in his house. Yes, he will "make it yours", re-do things, pay for the counseling it takes to get you to come back.

When you succumb, things will change drastically...mark my words.

These are the scariest people on earth, to me.
I have recognized a couple of others like that since I learned the hard way.
The only safe thing for me to do is to not allow them a fraction of an inch in my life.

My mother-in-law said to me, "I am trying to learn, and blah, blah..parroted in a very slightly off way, what she "needed to learn and was trying".
I would have fell for it...except...once you have met this type and nearly lost your life to them, you develop goose bumps.

One does not send multiple texts and etc on a silent retreat. They meditate and pray.
Have you ever been to a monastery? I love the one just north of there in St Meinrad, IN.
I know where the one in KY is.
Brother Luke didn't tell him anything. That is not the way it works.

I knew one man who planted a voice activated recorder in his gf's home.
I know another man who could easily place a recorder on a phone, the same one could track your computer with ease.

You are looking to him to make this right for you.
And, boy is he willing.
The only thing you don't have is any personal space to feel, think, have some quiet time and make a move on your own.

I will check back later, but I am neglecting my friends in other places and have alot to do this weekend.

I wish you peace.
You are certainly getting none of that now.
Live is offline  
The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to Live For This Useful Post:
bookwyrm (09-12-2010), HealingWillCome (09-12-2010), laurie6781 (09-11-2010), Learn2Live (09-11-2010), littlefish (09-12-2010), sesh (09-12-2010), TakingCharge999 (10-18-2010), wicked (09-11-2010)
Old 09-11-2010, 05:32 PM
  # 107 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 29
Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
"Trolling" is like "flaming" on a forum like this or FB. When you "troll" you are trying to provoke someone into reacting emotionally. Kinda' like what alcoholics and addicts do when they say inflammatory things to get us to react.
--

is that me?

i will remove myself if that is the case. causing problems is not at ALL what my intentions were when i posted here originally. ugh.
lostfrmbetrayal is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to lostfrmbetrayal For This Useful Post:
Live (09-11-2010)
Old 09-11-2010, 05:34 PM
  # 108 (permalink)  
To thine own self be true.
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Blog Entries: 5
No, I don't think anyone meant that it was you. Who knows what the poster who said that meant? Like I said, I didn't see that at all. You're good.
Lisa, how are you doing? What is going on with you?
Learn2Live is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Learn2Live For This Useful Post:
Live (09-11-2010), sesh (09-12-2010), wicked (09-11-2010)
Old 09-11-2010, 05:44 PM
  # 109 (permalink)  
Member
 
wicked's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Blog Entries: 1
One does not send multiple texts and etc on a silent retreat. They meditate and pray.
Have you ever been to a monastery? I love the one just north of there in St Meinrad, IN.
I know where the one in KY is.
Brother Luke didn't tell him anything. That is not the way it works.

Yes, silent retreats are silent. Why can't he leave you alone while on a silent retreat?

Beth
wicked is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to wicked For This Useful Post:
hadenoughnow (09-11-2010), laurie6781 (09-11-2010), Learn2Live (09-11-2010), Live (10-16-2010), RollTide (09-11-2010), sesh (09-12-2010), TakingCharge999 (10-18-2010)
Old 09-11-2010, 05:46 PM
  # 110 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 29
Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
No, I don't think anyone meant that it was you. Who knows what the poster who said that meant? Like I said, I didn't see that at all. You're good.
Lisa, how are you doing? What is going on with you?
--

not well... beating myself up and continually obsessing over "what do i do" why is he trying so hard when he could simply move on to much easier prey.

i am not making this easy on him. i have not been my "sweet self" to him. as a matter of fact, i've been an absolute horror to him. and he just stays and takes it - humbly i might add. he does not yell back... he does not ever, ever try to blame me in any way. he just says thru tears that he understands why i feell the way i do and that he will take any punishment i dish as long as it takes for him to earn my trust back... i told him i dont want to punish him anymore.. because that's what i feel i'm doing when we talk. im so angry and i tell him EXACTLY how i feel... all of the things EVERYONE has said here and much MUCH more have crossed my mind - and trust me... i've relayed all of thoughts to him... sadly, not in a nice way at all. i say sadly - cuz its just not me.

but this has brought out the worst in me... and again - he just takes it? says that he deserves it and if i let him, he will show me that i will be able to trust him again - that nothing like this could ever happen again. that he sees what he did to me, my son, his daughters, his family and himself over this.

wow - this all has me so confused.
lostfrmbetrayal is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to lostfrmbetrayal For This Useful Post:
Learn2Live (09-11-2010), Live (09-11-2010), wicked (09-11-2010)
Old 09-11-2010, 06:16 PM
  # 111 (permalink)  
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
 
laurie6781's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
wow - this all has me so confused.
That is why I will say it ONE MORE TIME


GO NO CONTACT

He is keeping you confused.

Go back and read this thread from the beginning.

Maybe you will then 'get it' maybe not.

Like others, I am pulling out now, obviously even though some of us have dealt with people like this man you do not want to hear it or cannot hear it.

So I wish you well whatever you choose to continue to do.

Love and hugs,
laurie6781 is offline  
The Following 10 Users Say Thank You to laurie6781 For This Useful Post:
bookwyrm (09-12-2010), chicory (09-11-2010), HealingWillCome (09-12-2010), Learn2Live (09-11-2010), Live (09-11-2010), naive (09-12-2010), RollTide (09-11-2010), TakingCharge999 (10-18-2010), veryregretful (09-13-2010), wicked (09-11-2010)
Old 09-11-2010, 06:30 PM
  # 112 (permalink)  
To thine own self be true.
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Blog Entries: 5
I am sorry you are not doing well. I hope you feel better soon. Please take care of yourself (((hugs)))
Learn2Live is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Learn2Live For This Useful Post:
Live (09-11-2010), TakingCharge999 (10-18-2010), veryregretful (09-13-2010), wicked (09-11-2010)
Old 09-11-2010, 06:38 PM
  # 113 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
Lisa, I think you will do what you want to do regardless of what is right for you...and that is ok. We all have to learn from our own mistakes. If we took everyones advice off the bat then I doubt many of us would be here. Most here have learnt through their own mistakes so it is with wisdom and care that many replies have been written and the want to "save" you the heart ache that we have been through. Even if you do give him another chance...keep posting and educate yourself about the characteristics of alcoholics. Knowledge is power. xx
Tally is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Tally For This Useful Post:
Live (09-11-2010), TakingCharge999 (10-18-2010), veryregretful (09-13-2010), wicked (09-11-2010)
Old 09-11-2010, 06:50 PM
  # 114 (permalink)  
Member
 
Lola1024's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 182
Lost,

Listen to the good people who have posted here. Your story actually made me sick to read. This person is a hideous manipulator period. Alcoholism and recovery aside. What else is there that you don't know? IMO anyone this aggressively pushy behavior is almost more scary than the lying. Go no contact and watch your back. Change the locks if he has a key. Do not get in any deeper than you already are. Mistakes happen - lies happen - you know more facts now - forgive yourself and move on. Protecting you and your son that should be priority #1.
Lola1024 is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to Lola1024 For This Useful Post:
laurie6781 (09-11-2010), Learn2Live (09-11-2010), Live (09-11-2010), sesh (09-12-2010), TakingCharge999 (10-18-2010), veryregretful (09-13-2010), wicked (09-11-2010)
Old 09-11-2010, 06:51 PM
  # 115 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Raleigh,NC.
Posts: 10
I can say for me...my relationship with my cheating STBXAW, I didn't even feel safe in my own home. I may go to bed one night before her, and I would sit in bed wondering if she was texting/calling her lovers or emailing them etc. Really is a horrible way to live.
KeviKev is offline  
The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to KeviKev For This Useful Post:
bookwyrm (09-12-2010), coyote21 (09-11-2010), freefalling (09-11-2010), Learn2Live (09-11-2010), Live (09-11-2010), TakingCharge999 (10-18-2010), Tally (09-11-2010), veryregretful (09-13-2010), wicked (09-11-2010)
Old 09-11-2010, 07:22 PM
  # 116 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
Same here Kev, I stopped going out for a while because I was too anxious that he would be online flirting because I wasn't there. It's sooo horrible to live like that, the anxiety is paralysing.

I remember though, coming on here and telling everyone what he'd done, there would be an outcry and immediately my back would go up and I would have a HUGE desire to defend him. Some of the responses kinda drove me back to him in a way because I was in that "blind" stage where "mine is different" and "you don't know him like I do".
I'd go away thinking you lot didn't know what you were talking about, lol. Only in the beginning mind...then as he let me down time and time again, I began to see that the answers here were all true but I just had to learn that for myself.
Tally is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to Tally For This Useful Post:
coyote21 (09-12-2010), kia (09-16-2010), laurie6781 (09-11-2010), Learn2Live (09-11-2010), Live (09-11-2010), wicked (09-11-2010)
Old 09-11-2010, 07:34 PM
  # 117 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
For one thing, please believe this: If it is meant to be between you and this man, then there is nothing in the world that will ultimately keep you apart. Not even if you decide to take your time and have some space from his incessant texting and calling in order to clear your head. You need the space to think. You are lost, as your username indicates.

There is no rush. There is no need to move in. There is no need to make a decision right now. But you will never make a clear decision if you don't have the space to think without his interference.

The stakes are too high to move in right now. You talk about "what if" he's being genuine. Well, what if he's not? You bring your son into this nightmare of a situation and it happens again. Only now you've sold your house, maybe married the guy, maybe had a kid with him, who knows? It's a million times harder to leave. What then?

Although it's not necessary to make a decision now, your life will be a million times easier if you decide to end the relationship. I see red flags all over the place, nevermind the cheating and lying that has taken place throughout your relationship.

He doesn't respect you.

He sees that your self-esteem is so low that you will buy into the idea of having some prince rescue you from your lonely, dismal existence.

He doesn't even pretend to think that you are whole in and of yourself.

He sees that your life has a void that he can fill.

His texts are all about him, not about you and your pain, but about him and his "compulsions."

He excuses his disgusting behavior by calling it a compulsion.

If this were a long term marriage, then I would say, maybe there's a chance that it can be saved. But this man played Prince Charming and the entire time he was f**king someone else behind your back.

Now he's playing Prince Charming again. This is just plain math to me.

Prince Charming January to August = GIANT LIAR AND CHEATER.

Prince Charming September to ... = ???

So, here's what I would ask you to do.

1. This choice would be the smartest. LEAVE. NO CONTACT. THERAPY ALONE. MOVE ON. You are 6-ish months into a relationship that has been nothing but lies. You had your dealbreakers list all set up and he has committed a pretty atrocious dealbreaker. Do you want to change your list or do you want to find someone who meets the criteria?

OR

2. This choice is not as good as the first one and will prolong your pain a lot more, for you and your son. TAKE A BREAK. NO CONTACT. SORT YOURSELF OUT. Find out what your dealbreakers are if you plan to lower your standards. Find out why you're so enamored with the idea of having a Prince Charming. Figure out if you will ever be able to trust this man again. Figure out what boundaries you will set in relationships. If you do end up back with this person, figure out what your boundaries will be and what you will need from him so that he can regain your trust.

But please, pick 1.

One more thing, I'm not clear - did you tell your sn about the situation? Is that why he said what he said about forgiveness? For one thing, I think you should leave your son out of your drama. For another thing, this would be a fantastic opportunity to teach him what forgiveness really is. It's not being a doormat or inviting abuse. You can leave and still wish the guy well and still forgive him. It would be sh*tty if your son learned that forgiveness means we have to buy into people's bullsh*t and invite it again and again.

I know this may sound harsh. Trust me, I've been in the place of denial and wishing that it werent so. I needed a Sassy Gay Friend.

wanting is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to wanting For This Useful Post:
bookwyrm (09-12-2010), laurie6781 (09-11-2010), Learn2Live (09-11-2010), TakingCharge999 (10-18-2010), veryregretful (09-13-2010), wicked (09-11-2010)
Old 09-11-2010, 07:46 PM
  # 118 (permalink)  
Member
 
chicory's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 12,817
Blog Entries: 1
You did not deserve what he did to you.

Your son did not deserve what he did to him.

He does not deserve one more second of your time.

Not one.

Glad that you found out.

dont look back.
chicory is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to chicory For This Useful Post:
coyote21 (09-12-2010), laurie6781 (09-11-2010), Learn2Live (09-11-2010), Live (10-16-2010), sesh (09-12-2010), veryregretful (09-13-2010), wicked (09-11-2010)
Old 09-11-2010, 07:52 PM
  # 119 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
Here's more Sassy Gay Friend:

Hamlet
Othello
The Giving Tree - LOL!!!

OMG, I wish I had a SGF a year ago.
wanting is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to wanting For This Useful Post:
Live (10-16-2010)
Old 09-11-2010, 07:55 PM
  # 120 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,262
Blog Entries: 5
I hope you remember SR and do come back.

You must be exhausted with this.
SHEEEESH. You haven't had a moment's peace.

For what it's worth, I lived it, I survived it.....I went back for more umpteenth times.
There are no words for how much I wish I had left that very first time.
It did cost me my sanity, I had legal problems....just too many problems to list and frankly, I am embarassed by it all.
If I had had children in it, I might have lost custody of them...it would have been a possibility.
It took me counseling and years (YEARS!) of education to recover.
I honestly feel lucky that I got out with my life.

I live a quiet and happily peaceful life with a man whose love does not contain barbs, wrongs or excuses now.
No more "intense, desperate talks"
There's not major issues to work out because we don't have these HUGE things in our lives.
Our love is in our daily, abiding actions.
We don't tell each other how to interpret things, how we should see things, what we should do.
We don't even try to convince each other of anything.

Love does not hurt like this.
Someone told me that long ago when I was in it.
Now I know it to be true.

That man in the past was way better with wooing, flattering words. He was very seductive.
I wouldn't trade the one I have today for a million of the other one.

I can see this man's love today.

I hope you will learn to trust what you have seen with your own eyes...not through the filter of someone else's..including mine.

But I know my counselor helped me by showing and telling me things in the light of reality and I had to hear it quite a number of times.

Today, right now, I insist on peaceful, quiet evenings so that I can relax and sleep well.
A good night's sleep means alot to me and my well being.
So, I protect that.
I stayed up too late last night.
I was on here, doing laundry to move to our dream location and watching a film I wanted to see.
I don't have to worry about our future plans....they haven't been jeapordized by doubts and mistrust.
I am too tired, old and have my own stuff to be dealing with any extraneous bs.

I deserve this nice life.
It's my turn.
I hope you will take your turn too.
Live is offline  
The Following 14 Users Say Thank You to Live For This Useful Post:
akrasia (09-12-2010), bookwyrm (09-12-2010), chicory (09-11-2010), HealingWillCome (09-12-2010), KeviKev (09-11-2010), kia (09-16-2010), laurie6781 (09-11-2010), Learn2Live (09-11-2010), RollTide (09-12-2010), sesh (09-12-2010), Summerpeach (09-11-2010), TakingCharge999 (10-18-2010), veryregretful (09-13-2010), wicked (09-11-2010)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:17 AM.