hi lost-
well, i just read this whole thread tonight. i feel for you, having been betrayed myself.
it sounds as if there were many lies. i think that liars say "i would never lie to you"...honest people don't say that...they are just honest.
it sounds as if he is also lying to himself really. to say "i would never lie to you" while he is actually lying...
so, he's a liar. we have established that. this means that there could very well be many more things he has lied about.
once i found out mine was a liar, i did some creative research and discovered many more lies.
i would imagine that this is the tip of the iceberg with this guy.
i also do not like that he carries two cell phones. that is a sign of a cheater. they can receive calls on their other phone.
we are not talking about one lie here. we are talking about a continued affair with a married woman. he lied to you, he violated her husband, he lied to your son.
i would take everything he has shared with you as possibly not true. 10 years recovery? says who? him?
this can no longer be taken as fact.
the fact that he has now ripped out his kitchen shows he is impulsive and also, irresponsible if he can't afford it.
i think his "hook" is his recovery, which he used to attract you. and now we see that he has not recovered really, has he?
it seems unwise to move in with him at this stage. you do not need to move in with him, as you have your own home. please, do not put yourself in a position where you are reliant on him. that would trap you.
right now, you have a good option of staying in your home and sorting out how you are feeling. yes, that would mean that your son return to his old school which is unsettling but i would imagine he will adjust.
why not take a time out and unplug that phone or get a new number? he is obviously confusing you with his relentless pursuit.
why not tell him you need some time alone and take it? how he handles this request will be very telling. if he does not honor your request, then you might want to think about how he will bulldoze you in the future.
take care of yourself and your son. you've stated that this man is bringing out the worst in you. pay attention to that. in a healthy relationship, the other person brings out the best in you.
the dynamic you have explained of you saying mean, hurtful things to him in anger and him taking it sounds like a very unhealthy energy exchange.
you might want to ask yourself when have you felt this way before in your life?
as for forgiveness and your son's question to you, you can forgive him and still move on your way.
another thing for you to consider is that he is a recovering alcoholic and could relapse in the future. given his talent for lying, i wouldn't even take his sobriety as a given.
i would imagine if you did move in with him, that you would uncover many other things of which he has not been straight forward with you about.
please, consider going no contact and give yourself some time to recover from this betrayal.
naive