I'm so lost...
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: seeking sanity
Posts: 645
"He is currently at this 'silent' retreat in Kentucky *with his sponsor*.
I've been around enough b.s. to recognize it and this sounds like total BULL S--T!
Ask him to give you a location with a Kentucky phone number and call it. Hire a private investigator. Don't take a cheater's word for anything and don't be a VICTIM! Your instincts are telling you that something is not right here. We're telling you that something is not right here. At the very least back away from the situation and quit taking the phone calls and texts until you can think straight. Find another therapist that doesn't know either of you and see what they say instead of what some cheater SAYS his mythological sponsor says. Take all precaution and take care of yourself and your son.
I've been around enough b.s. to recognize it and this sounds like total BULL S--T!
Ask him to give you a location with a Kentucky phone number and call it. Hire a private investigator. Don't take a cheater's word for anything and don't be a VICTIM! Your instincts are telling you that something is not right here. We're telling you that something is not right here. At the very least back away from the situation and quit taking the phone calls and texts until you can think straight. Find another therapist that doesn't know either of you and see what they say instead of what some cheater SAYS his mythological sponsor says. Take all precaution and take care of yourself and your son.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 29
Originally Posted by RollTide 
"He is currently at this 'silent' retreat in Kentucky *with his sponsor*.
I've been around enough b.s. to recognize it and this sounds like total BULL S--T!
Ask him to give you a location with a Kentucky phone number and call it. Hire a private investigator. Don't take a cheater's word for anything and don't be a VICTIM! Your instincts are telling you that something is not right here. We're telling you that something is not right here. At the very least back away from the situation and quit taking the phone calls and texts until you can think straight. Find another therapist that doesn't know either of you and see what they say instead of what some cheater SAYS his mythological sponsor says. Take all precaution and take care of yourself and your son.
I've been around enough b.s. to recognize it and this sounds like total BULL S--T!
Ask him to give you a location with a Kentucky phone number and call it. Hire a private investigator. Don't take a cheater's word for anything and don't be a VICTIM! Your instincts are telling you that something is not right here. We're telling you that something is not right here. At the very least back away from the situation and quit taking the phone calls and texts until you can think straight. Find another therapist that doesn't know either of you and see what they say instead of what some cheater SAYS his mythological sponsor says. Take all precaution and take care of yourself and your son.
Thank you.
You're right. I told him I didn't believe him. So he actually called me from the Monestary... I Googled the # he called from. It does actually go to the monestary.
I checked out the website of the monestary he told me he was at: The Abbey of Gethsemani (www . monks . org) -- there was a link on that page that says "prayer requests" - and I submitted a prayer. I named myself and him.
He just called me to say: "Brother Luke just informed me that he received a prayer request with my name and confirmed your name" He is going to pray for us Lisa. There is no other way he could have known I submitted this prayer on that website -
Turns out he really is there... and I'm scared to believe that he may really mean all he has been saying and that he is trying to fix himself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 29
[QUOTE=firestorm090;2705730]Gosh, I just thought of this, what if you decide to get back with him and everything works out for a while and he stays true, who will he go to for pictures holding the fridge?QUOTE]
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Ahhh.. I am as much of a smart a$$ as you - you see i've made these comments. I also told him that I can never stand in his kitchen, ever again - that I would never be able to look at the refridgerator or touch it EVER. I meant these things and he knows it.
Know what he did last week? he gave away his entire bedroom set, gave away that fridge that was 2 years old and bought another one. He also began re-doing his entire kitchen. He doesn't have this kind of money - trust me.
He pays for the counseling, $100 self-pay each session. Once a week - again, he isn't a rich man.
He has confessed to his family and daughters what he has done in explanation of why his house is being torn apart and re-done so quickly. He has shown humility to everyone... told everyone what he has done and how "wow, that list must be a gem of a woman to have the strength to try this again with you"...... and that he can only hope that the extremes he is and willing to go thru will show me that he means everything.
Would a master manipulator go thru THIS MUCH trouble over little old me? Or move on to much easier prey?
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Ahhh.. I am as much of a smart a$$ as you - you see i've made these comments. I also told him that I can never stand in his kitchen, ever again - that I would never be able to look at the refridgerator or touch it EVER. I meant these things and he knows it.
Know what he did last week? he gave away his entire bedroom set, gave away that fridge that was 2 years old and bought another one. He also began re-doing his entire kitchen. He doesn't have this kind of money - trust me.
He pays for the counseling, $100 self-pay each session. Once a week - again, he isn't a rich man.
He has confessed to his family and daughters what he has done in explanation of why his house is being torn apart and re-done so quickly. He has shown humility to everyone... told everyone what he has done and how "wow, that list must be a gem of a woman to have the strength to try this again with you"...... and that he can only hope that the extremes he is and willing to go thru will show me that he means everything.
Would a master manipulator go thru THIS MUCH trouble over little old me? Or move on to much easier prey?
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Lisa, I was involved with someone just like your guy....for FOUR years.
Read this definition of a Sociopath and see if anything rings a bell:
Ted Bundy, a very charming serial killer, was a sociopath. $20 says your guy is, too.
You say he isn't a rich man? Could he be latching onto you for financial security? That's also very common.
HAVE YOU EVER DONE A BACKGROUND CHECK ON THIS GUY??
Read this definition of a Sociopath and see if anything rings a bell:
Antisocial Personality Disorder is chronic, beginning in adolescence
and continuing throughout adulthood. There are ten general
symptoms:
not learning from experience
no sense of responsibility
inability to form meaningful relationships
inability to control impulses
lack of moral sense
chronically antisocial behavior
no change in behavior after punishment
emotional immaturity
lack of guilt
self-centeredness
People with this disorder may exhibit criminal behavior. They may
not work. If they do work, they are frequently absent or may quit
suddenly. They do not consider other people's wishes, welfare or
rights. They can be manipulative and may lie to gain personal
pleasure or profit. They may default on loans, fail to provide child
support, or fail to care for their dependents adequately. High risk
sexual behavior and substance abuse are common. Impulsiveness,
failure to plan ahead, aggressiveness, irritability, irresponsibility,
and a reckless disregard for their own safety and the safety of
others are traits of the antisocial personality.
Socioeconomic status, gender, and genetic factors play a role.
Males are more likely to be antisocial than females. Those from
lower socioeconomic groups are more susceptible. A family history
of the disorder puts one at higher risk.
There are many theories about the cause of Antisocial Personality
Disorder including experiencing neglectful parenting as a child, low
levels of certain neurotransmitters in the brain, and belief that
antisocial behavior is justified because of difficult circumstances.
Psychotherapy, group therapy, and family therapy are common
treatments. The effects of medical treatment are inconclusive.
Unfortunately, most people with Antisocial Personality Disorder
reject treatment. Therefore, recovery rates are low.
and continuing throughout adulthood. There are ten general
symptoms:
not learning from experience
no sense of responsibility
inability to form meaningful relationships
inability to control impulses
lack of moral sense
chronically antisocial behavior
no change in behavior after punishment
emotional immaturity
lack of guilt
self-centeredness
People with this disorder may exhibit criminal behavior. They may
not work. If they do work, they are frequently absent or may quit
suddenly. They do not consider other people's wishes, welfare or
rights. They can be manipulative and may lie to gain personal
pleasure or profit. They may default on loans, fail to provide child
support, or fail to care for their dependents adequately. High risk
sexual behavior and substance abuse are common. Impulsiveness,
failure to plan ahead, aggressiveness, irritability, irresponsibility,
and a reckless disregard for their own safety and the safety of
others are traits of the antisocial personality.
Socioeconomic status, gender, and genetic factors play a role.
Males are more likely to be antisocial than females. Those from
lower socioeconomic groups are more susceptible. A family history
of the disorder puts one at higher risk.
There are many theories about the cause of Antisocial Personality
Disorder including experiencing neglectful parenting as a child, low
levels of certain neurotransmitters in the brain, and belief that
antisocial behavior is justified because of difficult circumstances.
Psychotherapy, group therapy, and family therapy are common
treatments. The effects of medical treatment are inconclusive.
Unfortunately, most people with Antisocial Personality Disorder
reject treatment. Therefore, recovery rates are low.
You say he isn't a rich man? Could he be latching onto you for financial security? That's also very common.
HAVE YOU EVER DONE A BACKGROUND CHECK ON THIS GUY??
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
Hi lost,
One of the things that sticks with me the most about this situation is that he cheated on you throughout your relationship. It wasn't just one night, it was every chance he got........till you caught him. He didn't come to you and confess, you caught him and that bugs me and others here.
It stands to reason that he has realized the magnitude of his mistake and is presently doing whatever he can to avoid losing you. But that's not the problem, for he is shortminded about all this. What if he succeeds in getting you back, with all the new things in his home, and once you move in, (which he can be banking on and thus spend now to get it back later when you sell your home, because he did all of this for you) and you discover that he ever cheated again? If we lose a limb, we can't grow a new one and sometimes the emotional limbs we lose are irreplacable as well. There can come a point where trust is lost permanently, and then we are left alone with our sorrows. I don't trust anymore, even though I'm trying to learn how again. I still get edgy when with anyone new. I think all of his effort is an attempt to get you back, then when the dust settles, you don't know what to expect.
Maybe I'm wrong, it's happened tons of times before, but I still think it may help you to step back and see how your heart feels in a few days. Give your heart a couple days to scab over, and begin to heal. Then maybe you won't think of yourself as little ole me, but instead as the wonderful mother and lady that you are.
And sorry for being a smarta$$, it's not my best attribute, lol.
One of the things that sticks with me the most about this situation is that he cheated on you throughout your relationship. It wasn't just one night, it was every chance he got........till you caught him. He didn't come to you and confess, you caught him and that bugs me and others here.
It stands to reason that he has realized the magnitude of his mistake and is presently doing whatever he can to avoid losing you. But that's not the problem, for he is shortminded about all this. What if he succeeds in getting you back, with all the new things in his home, and once you move in, (which he can be banking on and thus spend now to get it back later when you sell your home, because he did all of this for you) and you discover that he ever cheated again? If we lose a limb, we can't grow a new one and sometimes the emotional limbs we lose are irreplacable as well. There can come a point where trust is lost permanently, and then we are left alone with our sorrows. I don't trust anymore, even though I'm trying to learn how again. I still get edgy when with anyone new. I think all of his effort is an attempt to get you back, then when the dust settles, you don't know what to expect.
Maybe I'm wrong, it's happened tons of times before, but I still think it may help you to step back and see how your heart feels in a few days. Give your heart a couple days to scab over, and begin to heal. Then maybe you won't think of yourself as little ole me, but instead as the wonderful mother and lady that you are.
And sorry for being a smarta$$, it's not my best attribute, lol.
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
Well, most of this conversation has been focused on him and his qualities, bad and maybe good.
What about you lostfrmbetrayal? Do you think it's possible that because you were in a relationship with an active alcoholic you may have developed codependent behavior? Have you considered that some of your reactions and feelings may be rooted in codependency?
I too am codie and these are some of the things I have done:
Believed their stories, no matter how outrageous, not because I thought they were true, but because I wanted to think they were true,
I accepted being abused, disrespected and lied to, in exchange for love and acceptance,
I minimized past wrongs, always hoping that they would behave differently next time.
I rationalized their hurtful behavior, finding ways to define lies and deceit as something else: "they were confused, lost, desperate". I always believed they wouldn't do those things again.
I'm not talking about ex-bf's or husbands here: these are my siblings!
What about you lostfrmbetrayal? Do you think it's possible that because you were in a relationship with an active alcoholic you may have developed codependent behavior? Have you considered that some of your reactions and feelings may be rooted in codependency?
I too am codie and these are some of the things I have done:
Believed their stories, no matter how outrageous, not because I thought they were true, but because I wanted to think they were true,
I accepted being abused, disrespected and lied to, in exchange for love and acceptance,
I minimized past wrongs, always hoping that they would behave differently next time.
I rationalized their hurtful behavior, finding ways to define lies and deceit as something else: "they were confused, lost, desperate". I always believed they wouldn't do those things again.
I'm not talking about ex-bf's or husbands here: these are my siblings!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 29
Originally Posted by wicked
Really?
Wow.
Wow.
Originally Posted by wicked
post #82.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 29
Originally Posted by dollydo
No, didn't say that.
What did you mean? You probably mean that I am sitting here punishing myself and obsessing. Right?
My son is with his father this weekend. I don't have much family and as I said before my friends do not know... they just assume I'm with my b/f this weekend.
I am just sitting here punishing myself and obsessing over "TRYING TO FIND THE ANSWERS"
I must actually look like a troll. I'm so sorry.
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