DAY 18 - Marriage - An Alcoholic's Perspective - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Every day is a new day, that's what I keep telling myself. The struggle is real. I'm in deep with this addiction to wine. I am searching for the answer how to turn it off. I feel lucky if I can keep it down to a daily minimum of just one bottle. I pray to God to take this addiction away. Some days I'm a fighter. Other days are a bit more challenging. Hopefully by putting this out there, starting today, I can find a new hope and believe in myself again.

LoveHateMerlot
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DAY 18 - Marriage - An Alcoholic's Perspective

Posted 01-16-2019 at 08:36 AM by LoveHateMerlot

Communication, forgiveness, kindness, compassion, respect, and trust; the absence of these attributes are detrimental to a marriage. Both parties should be trying their best every day to act on these characteristics for a healthy relationship.

I have been drunk so many times in the past 15 years of our relationship, too many to count, and I beat myself up for that each day. My husband is a very sensitive, loving, gentle, and kind man. He is my balance and he is my rock. I am deeply in love with him and I care so much about him, and he feels the same for me. Although he is so wonderful, he is also human and has challenges of his own. He holds all of his stress in and avoids confrontation. Between my drunk behavior and his stressful job, that can take a toll on anyone. My husband is a ticking time bomb. Every couple of months he has this day where he cannot hold it in and he just EXPLODES. He will create some irrational argument and then says the nastiest and meanest things to me, calling me names and ridiculing me. He did this in front of my daughters when they were a lot younger, and I would pick them up, throw them in the car and go drive around, waiting for him to leave. My oldest daughter, at the age of 12, once screamed at him to leave me alone. He has never physically assaulted me, but he's punched holes in walls, destroyed doors, phones, etc. It cuts me up like a knife every time and it takes me literally 3 days to recover from this abuse. He has never once admitted to being abusive, but points a finger at me telling me that I caused him to react that way. I know I did not deserve it and my kids definitely did NOT deserve it. I could not stop that voice in my head telling me that I was pathetic, a loser and I do deserve it from being an alcoholic. When I am drunk I do not call him nasty names, but I become selfish, critical, jealous, entitled, and overreactive. I am no better than him, but I apologize daily. He on the other hand, will never admit to me when he fails me.

My husband has toned it down quite a bit the past few years as he gets older, age 41, and has been so much better. He's even started to go to therapy consistently a few months ago. We never spoke of the reason why he chose to start, but I know it's how to deal with stress. Since he has started seeing a therapist, he still has the pattern of the outbursts but has controlled them once he starts. I get very anxious, not knowing what is about to happen, and I go lock myself in a bathroom or bedroom in fear of it happening still. Luckily, he recognizes quickly that he is being an arse and has even started to apologize. That NEVER happened before.

Seeing this growth in my husband, wanting to be a better human, helps me stay sober.

When I am sober, I recognize how easy it is with him every day now. He respects me so much for being strong and staying sober and I respect him for being strong and controlling his outbursts. I really do have an incredible man that married me.

As sober days go by, I learn more about my husband. I understand what he truly needs from me to fill his love tank. I can give him what he craves by trusting him, supporting him, showing him compassion and kindness, and ultimately forgiving him for the past. I want to be sober for him, to be the woman he desires and loves, just as he wants to be the man I desire and love.
Posted in Diary of Wino
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  1. Old Comment
    LoveHateMerlot's Avatar
    #abuse #alcoholic #relationships #marriage #therapy #blog #help #wine #wino #sober #sobriety #mom #anger #passiveaggressive #love #respect
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    Posted 01-16-2019 at 08:38 AM by LoveHateMerlot LoveHateMerlot is offline
    Updated 01-16-2019 at 10:25 AM by LoveHateMerlot
 


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