Owning my choice
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Owning my choice
One of the major things my therapist told me is that my drinking has nothing to do with anyone else. It's my choice and I have to own it. Well, for the longest time I interpreted that as "It's my choice and no one has any business saying anything about it".
Couldn't have been more wrong. What I finally understood was that nothing external - wife PO'd me, machine broke down and I had to fix it - nothing external was a reason. Those things were all excuses and the only thing that was the reason was my choice to drink - and that was what I had to understand, accept, and own. The reason I drank was I chose to and all the excuses I used were nothing more than bushwah.
These days I have the following on my bathroom mirror to remind me several times a day "You are free to choose, BUT you are not free from the consequences of your choice".
Couldn't have been more wrong. What I finally understood was that nothing external - wife PO'd me, machine broke down and I had to fix it - nothing external was a reason. Those things were all excuses and the only thing that was the reason was my choice to drink - and that was what I had to understand, accept, and own. The reason I drank was I chose to and all the excuses I used were nothing more than bushwah.
These days I have the following on my bathroom mirror to remind me several times a day "You are free to choose, BUT you are not free from the consequences of your choice".
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That’s a great maxim to have Charon 
I spent so many years, blaming other people and situations for my alcoholism that it actually took me awhile to break it down once I got sober.
The best thing about recovery for me is finding out how capable I really am when I stop poisoning my mind and body.
D
I spent so many years, blaming other people and situations for my alcoholism that it actually took me awhile to break it down once I got sober.
The best thing about recovery for me is finding out how capable I really am when I stop poisoning my mind and body.
D
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Yes. It is so freeing to be able to decide how to react to (or ignore) all those things that I used to use to make an excuse to indulge. Seperating the two and putting each in it's place - and accepting responsibility - what a strengthning process. I love having the choice and saying "Are you kidding me? Why would I do that to myself?"
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
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I did choose drugging over family, job, relationship, health, and sanity. I believed my choices were limited at the time because I did not know of an alternative. Now knowing about recovery a return to using would seem more like a choice. I choose the recovery process that leads to lasting sobriety instead of a drink. Today the drink choice has been removed. A problem pops up, I grab a recovery tool and not the needle. In recovery, I'm reminded of how strong and resistant I am. Using masked who I was with a sorry illusion of a man.
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I really respect and admire you both, Zen and Dee. I am only recently feeling like I may be actually beating this. One thing I am seriously wary of is overconfidence. One of my mooring lins (anchor actually) is taking antabuse. Even should I decide to make a bad choice I have 12 days to come to my senses before I can act. I call it "the gatekeeper". Just some additional insurance that helps me feel safer.
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Thanks Charon. It’s good to have someone from SMART here - I’ve not used it myself, but I read, and hear great things, and it’s an approach underepresented here.
I’ve never taken Antabuse either, but I’m a firm believer in a full toolbox…oven full even… The more alternatives I have to drinking the better.
As for complacency reading and posting here every day help me to keep things ‘real’.
My next drink could kill me, maybe not in that moment, but eventually.
D
I’ve never taken Antabuse either, but I’m a firm believer in a full toolbox…oven full even… The more alternatives I have to drinking the better.
As for complacency reading and posting here every day help me to keep things ‘real’.
My next drink could kill me, maybe not in that moment, but eventually.
D
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Yep. once wrote a short essay for myself called "Big Death, Little Death'. Reading it now reminds me how that world and those feelings of emptyness and futility most likely cqme from what I was self medicating with. Fortunately my Primary Care doc got me on antidepressants that work and I found a great therapist that helped me stop hating myself. Anazing how much difference perspective makes.
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Hi Charon,
First, thanks for trying add some content to this section. I'll try and keep up, but I'm not sure I have much to add. My sobriety efforts, while pretty solid the last 18 months or so, have been erratic over time. The one primary thought I come back to, that I got either from Allen Carr or Annie Grace, goes something like this. "I've thoughtfully considered all the pros and cons, and I've made the decision to not drink. In those dicey moments, never question that decision." It's been working lately. It puts the responsibility on me and no one else. Also, I once heard someone say "Protect your sobriety like it's your newborn baby" - that helps me too
Have a great day, and congratulations on your progress
First, thanks for trying add some content to this section. I'll try and keep up, but I'm not sure I have much to add. My sobriety efforts, while pretty solid the last 18 months or so, have been erratic over time. The one primary thought I come back to, that I got either from Allen Carr or Annie Grace, goes something like this. "I've thoughtfully considered all the pros and cons, and I've made the decision to not drink. In those dicey moments, never question that decision." It's been working lately. It puts the responsibility on me and no one else. Also, I once heard someone say "Protect your sobriety like it's your newborn baby" - that helps me too
Have a great day, and congratulations on your progress
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Originally Posted by ManInTheArena 
Hi Charon,
First, thanks for trying add some content to this section. I'll try and keep up, but I'm not sure I have much to add. My sobriety efforts, while pretty solid the last 18 months or so, have been erratic over time. The one primary thought I come back to, that I got either from Allen Carr or Annie Grace, goes something like this. "I've thoughtfully considered all the pros and cons, and I've made the decision to not drink. In those dicey moments, never question that decision." It's been working lately. It puts the responsibility on me and no one else. Also, I once heard someone say "Protect your sobriety like it's your newborn baby" - that helps me too
Have a great day, and congratulations on your progress
First, thanks for trying add some content to this section. I'll try and keep up, but I'm not sure I have much to add. My sobriety efforts, while pretty solid the last 18 months or so, have been erratic over time. The one primary thought I come back to, that I got either from Allen Carr or Annie Grace, goes something like this. "I've thoughtfully considered all the pros and cons, and I've made the decision to not drink. In those dicey moments, never question that decision." It's been working lately. It puts the responsibility on me and no one else. Also, I once heard someone say "Protect your sobriety like it's your newborn baby" - that helps me too
Have a great day, and congratulations on your progress
There's a local in-person and Zoom SMART meeting that I go to on Monday evenings. Last evening's discussion was on a tool called DIBs (Disputing Irrational Beliefs). (link to explaination:: https://www.smartrecovery.org/disput...ional-beliefs/) That discussion fits with what you posted. I've even shortened the process of dealing with irational thoughts. I say to myself "is this helpful or harmful". If the thought isn't helpful I discard it. Doesn't matter if it's true. Doesn't matter if it makes sense. If it's not helpful I don't want to consider it.
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Something my therapist and I discussed lately was my habit of agonizing over the past and things I regret - some of them deeply. He drew a parallel to DIB's. Asked me "Is it something you can do anything about. If not let it go. Agonizing isn't doing anything but wasting energy. Just learn and move on." That's helped.
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Yes, "Learn and move on". There are no mistakes ... only feedback.
Having said that, I also agonize over the past. I think part of that is natural for almost anyone, but some of us need to learn to move on a little better. I know I do
Having said that, I also agonize over the past. I think part of that is natural for almost anyone, but some of us need to learn to move on a little better. I know I do
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Join Date: Dec 2006
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Originally Posted by Charon
Anazing how much difference perspective makes.
There's a saying: "don't hate the player, hate the game." Rather than hate me for my addiction, I hate the power addiction had over me. To resolve that hate of being overrun by my comorbid addiction is being sobriety today. Some cognitive reframing there, yes
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By way of cognitive reframing - I prefer to use sobriety (gaining something) to abstinance (giving something up). The monday SMART meeting I go to discussed this concept. One of the tools is to use a different word to reframe. "I choose to be sober" rather than "I have to quit".
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Yes, that reframing is critical for long-term success and happiness - at least for me. The first time I tried to quit drinking, before I found SR, my go to thought/phrase was something like "you're not going to die from not drinking" ... not a very positive framework. I managed about 4 months of sobriety, but I was miserable and angry almost the whole time.
I definitely try to "enjoy" being sober, "have fun with" being sober and often look forward to "engaging with life" while sober. Drinking is a very isolating experience for me - very few people drink like I do, so I started just drinking at home.
I definitely try to "enjoy" being sober, "have fun with" being sober and often look forward to "engaging with life" while sober. Drinking is a very isolating experience for me - very few people drink like I do, so I started just drinking at home.
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Originally Posted by ManInTheArena
Yes, that reframing is critical for long-term success and happiness - at least for me. The first time I tried to quit drinking, before I found SR, my go to thought/phrase was something like "you're not going to die from not drinking" ... not a very positive framework. I managed about 4 months of sobriety, but I was miserable and angry almost the whole time.
I definitely try to "enjoy" being sober, "have fun with" being sober and often look forward to "engaging with life" while sober. Drinking is a very isolating experience for me - very few people drink like I do, so I started just drinking at home.
I definitely try to "enjoy" being sober, "have fun with" being sober and often look forward to "engaging with life" while sober. Drinking is a very isolating experience for me - very few people drink like I do, so I started just drinking at home.
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My wife was away for about a week and the day before she came back home I realized one thing that really made me smile. Today is no different from tomorrow. I am doing the exact same things today as I will do when she is herre. I'm not running around trying to hide evidence of drinking. I'm not trying to get the kitchen straightened out and cleaned, both done hung over. I'm just having a normal day. Same as before she left. Same as when she gets back. And it feels good and right. Gosh - maybe I am making progress.
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