Just4me1990

Today I was talking to a friend, she new my significant other before the addiction 6 years ago. She said that I have to let him go, he's just gone, and I can't save him... looking back at the pictures and how the changes started I feel so stupid how could I have not seen? Maybe I could have saved myself and our kids from so much hurt. I have to let him go don't I? The part I knew I feel like it's dead. He's someone else now. He has been for such a long time. Our 8 year old doesnt understand why he left again because he's sick. She's angry this time says "he's always sleeping or mad he's not sick he just doesn't love us!" Our 2 year old screams to go to the garage where his car is and when he goes in he will look in the windows, knock on the door even go under the car looking for him I guess. Our 1 year old can't have me even stand up and he will think I'm leaving and he will hold on to me and start screaming. He's the one the dad knows the least. Started disappearing for months. But ofcourse I was stupid when he said he was doing treatment I was gullible. And here I am again. 4 months pregnant he hit me and threw things at the kids, stole my mother's car. When the cops found it there were crack pipes and alcohol bottles everywhere. He came to get his jacket and said I would regret involving the car that this was all my fault. And he wishes I would just kill myself. He was my bestfriend. I remember falling asleep with him kissing my forehead saying he was so lucky. Him calling me just to say he can't wait to start having more kids. Being at every single speach therapy because our daughter is mentally delayed and didn't speak until almost 4. I loved him so much. So I tried to understand, I tried I promise I did. But he's gone isn't he?

trailmix

Hi Just4me, yes, the person you knew is gone. It's very sad, but the best thing you can do for your children (and yourself) is to keep him away from all of you. No visits - no picking up a jacket, nothing.

First of all he is dangerous. He has attacked you and said he wishes you would kill yourself. You might want to consider getting a restraining order.

This isn't your fault by the way. He stole something and got caught. If he didn't want to get in to trouble, perhaps he shouldn't have stolen the car?

Over time, things that are NOT normal, can start to seem normal, it was the life you were living. You have children to look after and day to day things you do, it's not that hard to believe you could miss this.

I hope you will change your locks and go no contact. You may want to call your local domestic violence center. They can help you find a lawyer for little to no cost. I don't know if he works, but you will no doubt want to file for child support anyway.

Also, the DV have tons of resources they can direct you to.

I'm sorry you got so hurt in all of this. You will heal, the children will as well, although the older children may well need therapy. But for right now, focusing on changing the locks and staying away from him, and calling the DV are all you really need to focus on perhaps.

And - taking good care of yourself.



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Bute

Hi Just4me

I felt so sad reading your post.
The person you loved, is gone, yes. It's hard on the heart, as we so wish things were different, but, he is not healthy for you or your children. To hit you, especially whilst pregnant, and throwing things at the children - completely unacceptable and downright despicable. It would only progress. You and your children are best without him. From what you've shared, he hasn't been "present" for some time due to drug use.
Keep him far away from you and the children. Contact your DV team and find out what your options are. First and foremost, safety!
Think with your head, not your heart, as he will attempt to make you think he's the "old him" - he isn't. He will try to weedle his way "back in" - don't fall for it.
Once the dust settles, you and your children will be just fine. As long as you remain the stable one for them, the children will adjust.
I'm sorry this is happening to you, bit you will come out the other side knowing your strength.

Much Love
Bute x

PhoenixJ

prayers

Bookbuff

Hey Just4me
Yes, he left a long time ago, please do not be too hard on yourself sticking around and trying to make things work, most of us on here have done that. If you can read co-dependent no more by melody beattie, it might help resonate or shed some light on why you did stick around so long
Also, someone physically or mentally abusing you is when you need to leave, that will never change, they promise but it will repeat. I was that woman. Please keep yourself and your children safe.
we understand here, its hard coming around to the realization but you needed to.
B x

Just4me1990

So nothing matters to him? I have started therapy, and she tried to explain that he runs from accountability and from facing what he has done. That he has disconnected with everything. And I can't understand. How can you disconnect from your children? From your unborn child? Did he ever love us at all?

Just4me1990

So nothing matters to him? I have started therapy, and she tried to explain that he runs from accountability and from facing what he has done. That he has disconnected with everything. And I can't understand. How can you disconnect from your children? From your unborn child? Did he ever love us at all?

SoberLeigh

I am so sorry, Just4me.

trailmix

It's hard to say what matters to him, I would say drugs probably matter to him.

It's kind of impossible, or difficult at least sometimes, to wrap your head around how an addict thinks. Drugs change the brain and the chemistry of the brain. So when you say:

You can't because you are not him, you are not an active addict and you think differently. You can't apply your values, logic or thinking to him.

Did he ever love you at all? I'm sure he probably loved you to the best of his ability at any given time. That may not be what you think love is, but for him, it may be all he was capable of.

Just4me1990

I feel like such a bad mother for not getting away sooner. I fear they will blame me one day. Our daughter is in therapy, her grades are slipping, she sleep walks when she's stressed. I have been up every night making sure she doesn't leave, she just wakes up and walks to the door holding the teddy bear he got her and just sits there... my 2 year old screams whenever I leave the room, and constantly knocked on the garage door thinking it's going to open... he's a mechanic so he was always in the garage. My 1 year old can't even be put on the floor he is so attached to me now. And I am 18 weeks dealing with doctor appointments all on my own. I called him today because our daughter begged me to. He picked up the phone and proceeded to yell at me and call me a needy **** that he was busy and didn't have time to be on the phone. That it's my job to "handle" the children. And hung uup. I called once.. it was 4pm I tried to time it right so that I wouldn't catch him in a bad time. I had to tell our daughter he was busy and would call back later. She started to cry.

trailmix

Sadly, I think that is the best you can expect from him now.

You must be totally overwhelmed. It's so important to have a support group around you now. I hope you will reach out to family, friends, social agencies, anyone who can add support. Is it possible a family member could come and stay with you for a while?

He will be of zero help, at least for the foreseeable future.

I don't know if you mention him at all around the kids, but it's probably a good idea, for now, not to. Age appropriate talks about how Dad is not well and can't be around you all right now might be helpful. It might help quell the fear.

Just4me1990

I found out on Friday I'm having another boy. I started to cry. My sons don't have a father. With every sons he got worse. Our families are so happy, but he is somewhere right now relapsing... his mother contacted me looking for him. He was on his way to her I guess and eventually turned off his phone, he would always do that. Never make it home. Its now almost 5am she messaged me asking if I have heard anything a little before 2am. I haven't been able to go back to sleep. I keep on imagining him dying somewhere needing someone and being alone. That was always his fear. Dying alone. I wouldn't wish what I'm going through on anyone. How could he put the people who love him the most through so much pain and feel nothing. No remorse? No guilt? It must be nice. All I feel is abandoned, alone, guilty and like a complete failure on not being able to keep our family together.

trailmix

Hi Just4. It's not unusual to feel that way in these situations, as you have probably seen in reading around the forum here.

You have probably read about false guilt as well. Perhaps the best way to help you heal from all of this is to challenge your thinking. Guilt - what are you guilty of?

You mention failure in not being able to keep your family together. Really what this is, is saving you and your children from years of trauma. I know they miss him right now and you probably do too, but realistically what was he adding to your lives.

What did you fail at? Not being able to stop his addiction and behaviour? You never could, that's not realistic. He needs professional help, if he ever wants it, there is nothing you have the power to change (except how you approach and handle this).

His fear was dying alone - now it is your fear for him. You have taken on all his issues, still are and he's not even there, he's out riding around drugging. You how that isn't really logical? You have no doubt spent years trying to right this situation.

Addiction is progressive, he will consume more and more and become more and more dependant.

As your children are at home, is there any need to keep your phone on at night? Maybe it's time to take your life back for you and your children? His addiction is running everyone's life, including his Mother's.

He might feel remorse or guilt in some moments of clarity, but that doesn't actually help you at all. He has drugs to tamp down his feelings.

Just4me1990

Thank you, those words actually helped me alot I was able to ask myself those questions and although they hurt to answer it is true. He wasnt doing anything but bringing more pain to us. I don't check they regularly the kids keep me very busy but today out of all days they were perfect words for me to hear. This morning his mother started to mistreat me. She always said if I needed anything to just ask. I really do hate to ask, but I was down to 1 diaper the wipes finished and it's pouring here. So I asked if she could give me a small pack of diapers and wipes not even for money. He called me saying his mother was tired if me calling and texting her all day... I texted 1 time. I never called... and when I tried to explain to him that the baby was down go no milk and I had to focus on how to get me and the kids to the supermarket (I don't have a car) in this weather and only had enough for the milk not for the diapers and the wipes. He said that I should give my 1 year old water anyway because it's better for him. I told him that's not right for him to say. She said I was embaressing for asking for anything and they hung up the phone on me. My mother saw me break down and she overheard because she was helping me calm down the baby. She sent the 20 back. And it became this whole thing. My mom hugged me and said no matter how hard things get that I have to raise my kids with a good heart but to never let anyone treat them like they are dogs and need scraps. She told me to never again ask for anything from them.

trailmix

I'm so glad your Mom was there for support. What a horrible run around they gave you.

Is he paying child support? Does he even have a job? If he isn't paying support (job or not) I hope you will file for it right away. They are his children too, he may think he can just walk out the door and forget his responsibility to them, but actually he can't.

I also would not talk to him anymore either. I hope you can reach out to other organizations that might be able to help as well. There must be an office in your city perhaps that deals with such things. If they have a main number for city information ,that might be a good place to start.

You don't have to go this alone.

PhoenixJ

More prayers

Just4me1990

I have to beg for him to send me maybe $40. He sent me $40 last month. I'm going to go to child support, he has 2 kids from a previous marriage he hasn't seen them since he lost control. And owes close to if not more $30,000 I've seen the letters... I could put him on it, he won't pay it though. He won't get a normal job. Only working for cash so it can benefit him and his needs the most. I've been trying to stay busy and focus on the kids. Been so tired but really focused and have been tackling the house cleaning and organizing one room at a time to prepare for the new born. I was going through the garage when I found another one of his stashes left behind. In a box under a bag of clothes that would be going to this baby now that was from our now 1 year old. And I just broke down again. I have found things like this so many times, self made pipes, empty bags so many lighters. Years. Seeing it near the kids stuff always breaks me.

aasharon90

Many in SR understand what you are going through.
We know addiction affects everyone who is involved.

One saving grace or solution is a program of recovery that
fits each member. AA, NA, Alanon and Alateen.

Getting into counseling to learn, heal, understand to grow
stronger and secured in your own quest for happiness.

Hunny1116

Hi Just4me. The short answer is the only thing that matters to him right now is his drug of choice.... Not you, not your children, not your unborn child, not even himself. It is only the drugs.

I watch as my addicted son chooses his drug of choice over anything and everything good in his life over and over again. With the help of others in recovery, many here on SR, I've learned to get up every day, pray for him, then go on with my life. Keep moving forward, take care of yourself and your precious children. That should be your focus right now... one step at a time.

When we know better, we do better. This all doesn't come with a manual, we just have to learn as we go. And believe me when I say that I was a very slow learner. ~Our beloved Ann

Just4me1990

I try, I have been doing my best, I just don't understand why he pops back up or contacts me just to say the most horrible things. And it's almost like he knows when to do it. Today I had to hear all of the risks of having a 4th c section. The fear I have of something happening to me and my kids being left to him. He contacted me asking if he could borrow my mother's car because he was sick and needed to get some medicine. None of this made any sense he lives about 40 minutes away with my parents I don't even know why he was in my area. Anyway I said no, because it's 12:45am and nothing he is saying is making any sense. Proceeds to call me a selfish ****, that he wishes I can just die already. I know this is not him. That he is gone now and this is the need for whatever his body is needing. I know all of this. But it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. He knew exactly what to say, he always does.