Need a different frame of mind...
Want to form an alliance? :.)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 220
Need a different frame of mind...
I've posted about some of this awhile back in another post, but to summarize, this past year has been an extremely rough time in my life and it's led to a very bad cycle of constant feelings of dread and anxiety that I need to find a way to break the cycle of.
Some background: I've lost both of my parents this last summer, and since then, it's been one headache after another... To start with, both of my vehicles have required multi-thousand dollar repairs with the car needing a major water pump replacement and the truck requiring an entire engine swap with multiple return trips to fix various leaks with a horrible undercoating job having been done by a separate shop that made me regret using them. Additionally, I need things done to my old 1920s / 1930s-era home with the basement being the biggest problem right now. Some contractors who replaced 2 entire sides of it used an i-beam for floor joist support that spans too far, and as a result, it's led to some noticeable deflection issues that you can feel throughout the house. It's the kind of place that almost sits in a yard bowl, too. The ground is clay-based, so the 2 sump pumps for this 900 square-foot home creates plenty of noise due to how the pipes run through the crawlspace being attached to a few of the joists above (which I'm planning on fixing this spring). I hoped to have some of these things fixed by now, but the only contractor in my area who does this kind of work has been busy with other projects and dealing with his own issues since last June. Despite saying he thinks he should be more open to doing the work in March, it just means that I have to stomach stuff for awhile. Easier said than done.
I've been on a 3-week vacation, which one would think would be enjoyable, but it's been the exact opposite: all of this time off has allowed me to stew and worry about things. With the vehicles, I wake up each day worrying about whether I'll find a new leak or hear a new sound coming from an engine. I worry so much about this that I sometimes feel my heart race when I wake up because as soon as I open my eyes, I start worrying about whether I tightened an o-ring enough after an oil change or whether a check engine light will light up when I start one or the other up again for the day... I'm the say way about the house. Whenever I'm in bed at night, I sometimes feel vibrations in the floor joists--sometimes I even feel it in my bed--and I believe it's from one of my pumps in the basement. When we recently had subzero temps, I heard all sorts of pops and thumps. Was that a footer? Did any of my single-pane windows crack from the extreme cold? Will any of the freeze cause a roof leak? These are just a few of the things I get anxious about. I often worry about whether those vibrations--despite being minor--will cause problems for my older foundation.
And to top things off, the family I have left never ceases to find ways to exclude me from things whenever they all hang out. It's even got to a point where I sometimes wonder if my grandmother enjoys telling me about how she just spent the day with the family... Just yesterday, I learned that she, along with my older sister and her boyfriend, all went to the city with my little niece to celebrate her birthday by eating at a restaurant and doing some shopping. I live only 25 minutes away, but I never received a single invite or phone call about any of this and they do this all the time with me. Despite constantly getting angry about it whenever I learn about them doing things together, it just keeps happening. It's like every time I say anything about how hurt it makes me feel, it just keeps happening. When I learned about yesterday after calling my grandmother last night just to say "hi" since I hadn't spoken to her in a month, I told her that I think I'm done with all of them and hung up on her. Whenever I tell people about these things, they always find ways to either justify their decisions or dismiss my own needs or feelings, which I can understand to a degree because I'm sure I come across as some sort of whiny person. But again, this has been a chronic problem with them for years and it just never seems to improve no matter how hard I try. I guess my problem is that they've always been my social outlet, something I need to change.
But worrying about the car and truck, worrying about the house, worrying about the family, worrying about a nonexistent social life (doing things like going to the gym or coffee shop hasn't done anything for this). I mean, I just don't know what to do anymore... As such, I guess it shouldn't be surprising that suicidal thoughts is a pastime and has led me to self-medicating with 1-2 bottles of Moscato each night combined with 3 over-the-counter sleeping pills just to get some sleep. I know this isn't good and I'm slowly trying to reel it in, but the stress and anxiety I've been battling is overwhelming. So I needed something, anything, to help get through it. Thing is, I'm beginning to suspect the wine as contributing to some of my anxiety. Have any of you ever felt like wine does that? I'm new to drinking alcohol--never drank before this year--so I'm not sure if wine can do that or not.
On brighter notes, I finally paid off the loan I took out for the truck engine swap, and because of that, I've had more money lately to order things to complete my truck's undercoating with. That stuff should be delivered this week. And despite the vehicle issues, I haven't been seeing any check engine lights, which is good, and they both appear to run without any major problems, so that's good, too. I've also managed to contact a different contractor to come out for a quote on my basement stuff (hopefully this coming week). So I guess things are moving forward in a good way, but being patient and finding ways to deal with my anxiety is the challenge
Sorry for the book. I'm just tired of going to bed and waking up dreading everything in my life and I'm not sure how to break the cycle but I keep believing that it will get better in time if I can just stomach things for awhile. I know there's always someone out there that has it worse, so if any of this has you feeling like I'm whining, I do apologize in advance. Maybe I should get my fishing license? I mean, it's cold outside so the fishing will probably suck, but it'd at least get me out of the house and away enough to get my mind on something else for awhile... I try to go to Starbucks each day to read some of my Stephen King books. That helps a little, but it sometimes gets a little old, ya know?
If you've read all of this, I thank you.
Some background: I've lost both of my parents this last summer, and since then, it's been one headache after another... To start with, both of my vehicles have required multi-thousand dollar repairs with the car needing a major water pump replacement and the truck requiring an entire engine swap with multiple return trips to fix various leaks with a horrible undercoating job having been done by a separate shop that made me regret using them. Additionally, I need things done to my old 1920s / 1930s-era home with the basement being the biggest problem right now. Some contractors who replaced 2 entire sides of it used an i-beam for floor joist support that spans too far, and as a result, it's led to some noticeable deflection issues that you can feel throughout the house. It's the kind of place that almost sits in a yard bowl, too. The ground is clay-based, so the 2 sump pumps for this 900 square-foot home creates plenty of noise due to how the pipes run through the crawlspace being attached to a few of the joists above (which I'm planning on fixing this spring). I hoped to have some of these things fixed by now, but the only contractor in my area who does this kind of work has been busy with other projects and dealing with his own issues since last June. Despite saying he thinks he should be more open to doing the work in March, it just means that I have to stomach stuff for awhile. Easier said than done.
I've been on a 3-week vacation, which one would think would be enjoyable, but it's been the exact opposite: all of this time off has allowed me to stew and worry about things. With the vehicles, I wake up each day worrying about whether I'll find a new leak or hear a new sound coming from an engine. I worry so much about this that I sometimes feel my heart race when I wake up because as soon as I open my eyes, I start worrying about whether I tightened an o-ring enough after an oil change or whether a check engine light will light up when I start one or the other up again for the day... I'm the say way about the house. Whenever I'm in bed at night, I sometimes feel vibrations in the floor joists--sometimes I even feel it in my bed--and I believe it's from one of my pumps in the basement. When we recently had subzero temps, I heard all sorts of pops and thumps. Was that a footer? Did any of my single-pane windows crack from the extreme cold? Will any of the freeze cause a roof leak? These are just a few of the things I get anxious about. I often worry about whether those vibrations--despite being minor--will cause problems for my older foundation.
And to top things off, the family I have left never ceases to find ways to exclude me from things whenever they all hang out. It's even got to a point where I sometimes wonder if my grandmother enjoys telling me about how she just spent the day with the family... Just yesterday, I learned that she, along with my older sister and her boyfriend, all went to the city with my little niece to celebrate her birthday by eating at a restaurant and doing some shopping. I live only 25 minutes away, but I never received a single invite or phone call about any of this and they do this all the time with me. Despite constantly getting angry about it whenever I learn about them doing things together, it just keeps happening. It's like every time I say anything about how hurt it makes me feel, it just keeps happening. When I learned about yesterday after calling my grandmother last night just to say "hi" since I hadn't spoken to her in a month, I told her that I think I'm done with all of them and hung up on her. Whenever I tell people about these things, they always find ways to either justify their decisions or dismiss my own needs or feelings, which I can understand to a degree because I'm sure I come across as some sort of whiny person. But again, this has been a chronic problem with them for years and it just never seems to improve no matter how hard I try. I guess my problem is that they've always been my social outlet, something I need to change.
But worrying about the car and truck, worrying about the house, worrying about the family, worrying about a nonexistent social life (doing things like going to the gym or coffee shop hasn't done anything for this). I mean, I just don't know what to do anymore... As such, I guess it shouldn't be surprising that suicidal thoughts is a pastime and has led me to self-medicating with 1-2 bottles of Moscato each night combined with 3 over-the-counter sleeping pills just to get some sleep. I know this isn't good and I'm slowly trying to reel it in, but the stress and anxiety I've been battling is overwhelming. So I needed something, anything, to help get through it. Thing is, I'm beginning to suspect the wine as contributing to some of my anxiety. Have any of you ever felt like wine does that? I'm new to drinking alcohol--never drank before this year--so I'm not sure if wine can do that or not.
On brighter notes, I finally paid off the loan I took out for the truck engine swap, and because of that, I've had more money lately to order things to complete my truck's undercoating with. That stuff should be delivered this week. And despite the vehicle issues, I haven't been seeing any check engine lights, which is good, and they both appear to run without any major problems, so that's good, too. I've also managed to contact a different contractor to come out for a quote on my basement stuff (hopefully this coming week). So I guess things are moving forward in a good way, but being patient and finding ways to deal with my anxiety is the challenge
Sorry for the book. I'm just tired of going to bed and waking up dreading everything in my life and I'm not sure how to break the cycle but I keep believing that it will get better in time if I can just stomach things for awhile. I know there's always someone out there that has it worse, so if any of this has you feeling like I'm whining, I do apologize in advance. Maybe I should get my fishing license? I mean, it's cold outside so the fishing will probably suck, but it'd at least get me out of the house and away enough to get my mind on something else for awhile... I try to go to Starbucks each day to read some of my Stephen King books. That helps a little, but it sometimes gets a little old, ya know?
If you've read all of this, I thank you.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,051
Well, this is a recovery forum, you know that and I know that, so my first thought would be that yeah the wine and medications need to go. When I'm not focused on my addiction and program of recovery the problems that arise in my life just seem to compound themselves, and back in the day when I'd self-medicate, you know what that's called having been around recovery long enough...."a temporary solution to an ever growing problem". And yes, any form of alcohol increased my anxiety, but so did sobriety without some form of recovery plan, being dry physically and spiritually ramps up my anxiety and depression.
Home ownership and vehicle ownership is a constant investment of money, energy, and time. I can't think of anything that sucks up more of my time than my home and more of my money than our vehicles. So I guess what I have to consider, and I've been giving this a lot of thought lately, is ROI (return on investment) aka "should I be sinking 7k worth of repairs into an 18 year old vehicle that has 215k miles on it, or would that money be better spent on a used low mileage vehicle with a proven history of reliability?" Same goes for the house. So I guess my thinking process if I were in your shoes would be whether it's time to part ways with some of these things in "as-is" condition and put myself in a better situation with different forms of living and transportation . There have been a few times in my life when I had to cut my losses and move on for the good of my mental and financial health.
When it comes to the family, what I can share is that I'm going through a very painful time in my life right now where my adult children are ignoring me and no longer visit or communicate with me , very strange after 20+ years of being everything to them and feeling that I was cherished as their father. I'm not going to keep reaching out only to be shot down and silenced , and I have a wife, stepdaughter, step-grandchildren, and countless friends who remind that I matter to someone and I'm loved. There is joy and happiness to be found everywhere, I'm reading End Of Watch by Stephen King, when I finish that I'll be reading Warhammer books as it's a new hobby I picked up, I've been learning guitar and when I'm not working at any one of the 4 jobs I currently have I'll relax by going to the local hobby shop and hang out with the kids there. I love being outdoors in nature, fishing, camping, hunting.
God never gives us more than we can handle. Truth. He also never guarantees us an easy life. But life can be fulfilling and full of joy, the Bible reminds me of that, and the life I have in recovery gives me that treasure on a daily basis. One day at a time, we all get through any hardship that life dishes out.
Home ownership and vehicle ownership is a constant investment of money, energy, and time. I can't think of anything that sucks up more of my time than my home and more of my money than our vehicles. So I guess what I have to consider, and I've been giving this a lot of thought lately, is ROI (return on investment) aka "should I be sinking 7k worth of repairs into an 18 year old vehicle that has 215k miles on it, or would that money be better spent on a used low mileage vehicle with a proven history of reliability?" Same goes for the house. So I guess my thinking process if I were in your shoes would be whether it's time to part ways with some of these things in "as-is" condition and put myself in a better situation with different forms of living and transportation . There have been a few times in my life when I had to cut my losses and move on for the good of my mental and financial health.
When it comes to the family, what I can share is that I'm going through a very painful time in my life right now where my adult children are ignoring me and no longer visit or communicate with me , very strange after 20+ years of being everything to them and feeling that I was cherished as their father. I'm not going to keep reaching out only to be shot down and silenced , and I have a wife, stepdaughter, step-grandchildren, and countless friends who remind that I matter to someone and I'm loved. There is joy and happiness to be found everywhere, I'm reading End Of Watch by Stephen King, when I finish that I'll be reading Warhammer books as it's a new hobby I picked up, I've been learning guitar and when I'm not working at any one of the 4 jobs I currently have I'll relax by going to the local hobby shop and hang out with the kids there. I love being outdoors in nature, fishing, camping, hunting.
God never gives us more than we can handle. Truth. He also never guarantees us an easy life. But life can be fulfilling and full of joy, the Bible reminds me of that, and the life I have in recovery gives me that treasure on a daily basis. One day at a time, we all get through any hardship that life dishes out.
Want to form an alliance? :.)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 220
Thanks for the feedback, Astro.
I haven't drank any wine for the past 2 days now, so I'm doing better on that front at least. But as far as everything else is concerned, I'm beginning to try to think about where my boundaries are with everything.
As for the house, I closed on it at $62k. I'm now at around $49k with my mortgage. So far, I think I've spent about $36k on basement work (replaced 2 entire sides, added new footing with both sides along with 2 lengths of perimeter drainage, with an additional sump pit, and removed a lot of old wall and foundation stuff). I think I've spent at least $8k on various yard drainage and sump exit line installs. And this spring, I'm planning on spending around $3k to reroute both sump pump exit lines out through one of the new basement walls to have a shorter connection to the city drain line, which will also stop noises and vibrations whenever they kick on, too. I'm also hoping to spend only around $2k to rework an i-beam that was installed from the prior basement wall work to reinforce and better secure it (to also help level some flooring above, too). With the math, I'm basically closing in on spending more on all this than the house is worth, but the problem is that if I don't do these things, I worry about being able to resell it if and when the time comes.
I haven't even upgraded the HVAC yet, which is probably more than 30 years old, and the system I plan on getting installed for that will be around $9-10k. (But this should have some pretty good return for the resell worth.)
The good news in this is that the car and truck are paid-off with the truck's new engine having a 3-year / 100k warranty. I also have a backup engine in the garage for the car if anything ever happens to it. It'd still cost a good penny to install it, but not as much as it would if I didn't have the engine, ya know?
So where's my breaking point in all of this? I've been thinking a lot about that lately. I know I don't want to rent anymore because the places I've seen around where I live to rent are places I wouldn't do well in... But since I don't have any money to buy a new home, well, I think I'd finally give up if I was *forced* to replace anymore basement walls. It'd be one thing if I chose to do it at my own convenience as that would be a planned, controlled situation... But it's another if something collapses, etc. So if something dumb like that happens, I think that'd be it for me with this place whereby I'd do whatever I'd need to replace / repair the problem (i.e. - take out a loan, arrange things with contractors, etc.) but once everything would be completed, I'd finally sell this place and leave. I don't think anything in the basement is close to doing something like that... The closest thing is the i-beam thing, but I'm planning on getting that fixed this spring. I do have some cracks in the old footings, but the worst are in the crawlspace I have that has plenty of support around it from the crawlspace area (and cracks in old footings of older homes isn't something to get too worked-up over in most situations as long as it's not major load-bearing or retaining anything the way a basement wall does). I don't see anything else that's too worrisome with the remaining older walls I have in my actual basement. I don't like the mortar I see in them and it'd be best to one day replace what's remaining, but they don't look like they're going anywhere anytime soon, so structurally, I think it's okay.
But with all this in mind, I'm trying to schedule a time with a separate contractor company south of my location who specializes in these kinds of things to come out and give me an assessment and quotes on things. I'm hoping they put some things into perspective when they come out.
I haven't drank any wine for the past 2 days now, so I'm doing better on that front at least. But as far as everything else is concerned, I'm beginning to try to think about where my boundaries are with everything.
As for the house, I closed on it at $62k. I'm now at around $49k with my mortgage. So far, I think I've spent about $36k on basement work (replaced 2 entire sides, added new footing with both sides along with 2 lengths of perimeter drainage, with an additional sump pit, and removed a lot of old wall and foundation stuff). I think I've spent at least $8k on various yard drainage and sump exit line installs. And this spring, I'm planning on spending around $3k to reroute both sump pump exit lines out through one of the new basement walls to have a shorter connection to the city drain line, which will also stop noises and vibrations whenever they kick on, too. I'm also hoping to spend only around $2k to rework an i-beam that was installed from the prior basement wall work to reinforce and better secure it (to also help level some flooring above, too). With the math, I'm basically closing in on spending more on all this than the house is worth, but the problem is that if I don't do these things, I worry about being able to resell it if and when the time comes.
I haven't even upgraded the HVAC yet, which is probably more than 30 years old, and the system I plan on getting installed for that will be around $9-10k. (But this should have some pretty good return for the resell worth.)
The good news in this is that the car and truck are paid-off with the truck's new engine having a 3-year / 100k warranty. I also have a backup engine in the garage for the car if anything ever happens to it. It'd still cost a good penny to install it, but not as much as it would if I didn't have the engine, ya know?
So where's my breaking point in all of this? I've been thinking a lot about that lately. I know I don't want to rent anymore because the places I've seen around where I live to rent are places I wouldn't do well in... But since I don't have any money to buy a new home, well, I think I'd finally give up if I was *forced* to replace anymore basement walls. It'd be one thing if I chose to do it at my own convenience as that would be a planned, controlled situation... But it's another if something collapses, etc. So if something dumb like that happens, I think that'd be it for me with this place whereby I'd do whatever I'd need to replace / repair the problem (i.e. - take out a loan, arrange things with contractors, etc.) but once everything would be completed, I'd finally sell this place and leave. I don't think anything in the basement is close to doing something like that... The closest thing is the i-beam thing, but I'm planning on getting that fixed this spring. I do have some cracks in the old footings, but the worst are in the crawlspace I have that has plenty of support around it from the crawlspace area (and cracks in old footings of older homes isn't something to get too worked-up over in most situations as long as it's not major load-bearing or retaining anything the way a basement wall does). I don't see anything else that's too worrisome with the remaining older walls I have in my actual basement. I don't like the mortar I see in them and it'd be best to one day replace what's remaining, but they don't look like they're going anywhere anytime soon, so structurally, I think it's okay.
But with all this in mind, I'm trying to schedule a time with a separate contractor company south of my location who specializes in these kinds of things to come out and give me an assessment and quotes on things. I'm hoping they put some things into perspective when they come out.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: SF Bay Area, CA
Posts: 33,486
Wolf, I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. I'd say the Moscato and pills, I know, are not helping your anxiety. I have had problems with terrible anxiety since I was a teenager and drinking made it so much worse. I hope you can stop drinking for a while. It won't let up all at once, but it will help. I am having an anxious day today. They still come and go but I have tools to help me manage it.
Astro I'm so sorry about your kids. I didn't know that was going on. Sending prayers to both of you that these heartbreaking issues in our lives resolve themselves, with our hard work and dedication. Astro, I know you are a good father. Best of luck.
Wolf, good luck to you too. I think you know some of what you have to do and the booze has to go, the pills too. Esp the booze at first. That is a lethal combo. Wishing you the best.
Astro I'm so sorry about your kids. I didn't know that was going on. Sending prayers to both of you that these heartbreaking issues in our lives resolve themselves, with our hard work and dedication. Astro, I know you are a good father. Best of luck.
Wolf, good luck to you too. I think you know some of what you have to do and the booze has to go, the pills too. Esp the booze at first. That is a lethal combo. Wishing you the best.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,051
Thank you Aly 
I gotta let them grow into adulthood and decide how they're gonna treat me, and set boundaries in the process too. I trust God to work this out much better that I ever could!
I gotta let them grow into adulthood and decide how they're gonna treat me, and set boundaries in the process too. I trust God to work this out much better that I ever could!
Want to form an alliance? :.)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 220
Thanks for chiming in, Alysheba. To say it's been an insanely rough 2 years would be massively understating it. The good news is that I'm no longer drinking, so there's that. Haven't had a sip since the time I posted this thread. I'm not using as many sleeping pills as I used to, too. Was using 4 per-night, but now I only take 2 before bed. 
One of these golden days when I finally get my home in order and get my vehicles in ship-shape, this anxiety I battle everyday will be gone. Just have to keep fighting until I get to that point. Gotta take it one day at a time.
You hang in there, too. Keep your chin up and keep looking to the future. I'm a firm believer of this idea that part of peoples' problems with things like depression or anxiety is the fact that people tend not to have as much stuff to look forward to when they get older. Try to find ways to incorporate more fun things into your life. Make arrangements that give you stuff to look forward to. It definitely helps.
One of these golden days when I finally get my home in order and get my vehicles in ship-shape, this anxiety I battle everyday will be gone. Just have to keep fighting until I get to that point. Gotta take it one day at a time.
You hang in there, too. Keep your chin up and keep looking to the future. I'm a firm believer of this idea that part of peoples' problems with things like depression or anxiety is the fact that people tend not to have as much stuff to look forward to when they get older. Try to find ways to incorporate more fun things into your life. Make arrangements that give you stuff to look forward to. It definitely helps.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,051
I agree with you Wolf, I have a lot of fun interests and stay focused on the when I can. Making music, building and painting Warhammer models, working concerts and events, my outdoor pursuits, cooking. Those all keep the depression at bay and a smile on my face most of the time.
You've made great progress, I'm extremely happy to hear that!
You've made great progress, I'm extremely happy to hear that!
Want to form an alliance? :.)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 220
Sorry to learn about that, Lost. I hope you're doing okay. I don't know if I could ever provide you with any useful insights on anything you're dealing with, but if you ever want to pick my brain about it or just have someone to bounce some ideas off of, you're more than welcome to ping me. I know what it feels like to feel like you're alone in those kinds of battles or feel like you're in over your head. Just having someone to mull things over with can sometimes be invaluable.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2023
Posts: 267
Thanks. It’s been rough. Overwhelmed with the house, dogs and kids. But I guess that’s life. Like you my anxiety is in overdrive sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe and am going to have a panic attack.
I am trying to get little things off my list - get a battery back up sump pump, arrange for a snow plow service, get my car serviced.
life is so overwhelming at times. One day at a time or even one minute. ❤️
I am trying to get little things off my list - get a battery back up sump pump, arrange for a snow plow service, get my car serviced.
life is so overwhelming at times. One day at a time or even one minute. ❤️
Want to form an alliance? :.)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 220
I feel ya. For me, it's always a kind of suffocation or feelings of being overwhelmed by the multiple fronts I'm always waging wars on. Through time, it eventually became more manageable, but like you basically said: it just takes time, one day at a time.
One thing I've found that always helped me through the worst days and nights was having people in my life I could lean on whenever all hell broke loose. Right now, that'd be one of my farmer co-worker friends who's older than I am and has some good ideas about things, has some time-tested experience with a lot of stuff. He's always been supportive whenever I'm down about things, and he has a DIY'er sense about a lot of stuff like home construction or vehicle issues. He's not always a silver bullet and has a sour attitude at times, but he can be a clutch shot when it's necessary. Try to find someone like that if you can. Besides that, I've learned that keeping a journal of contractor correspondence helps a lot, too. I've managed to basically manage a private blog with contractor company names, the reps I interacted with on the dates and times we spoke or exchanged messages, and whatever quotes they provided along with any and all info they gave me whenever we last communicated. I try to organize the entries by contractor, then by by dated entries, that way I know what was said, when, with whom, and what might be expected thereafter if the last communique consisted of arrangements for a project. You wouldn't believe how helpful it's been, and best of all, it's helped me weed out the turds and discover real diamonds in the contractor rough.
You probably do things like this, but in case you don't, consider getting in the habit of it. It'll help a lot.
One more thing to chew on: whenever you feel anxious about things pertaining to your house, try to transform that anxiety into useful energy by using it as your queue to start planning for contractor visits. You don't have to purchase services for simple quote visits. It doesn't cost any money for the quote visits, and during those visits, you can get TONS of helpful information. At the very least, it helps you know whether a contractor is lame because if they try to charge you for a quote visit, that tells you that you shouldn't use them. At best, contractor visits like that can provide you with confidence and peace-of-mind if they look at things and decide that you don't have any emergency issues. If they do see major problems, chances are they'll offer up some solutions that you can later use to leverage other contractors with for better deals. Use the contractors against each other. Ha.
One thing I've found that always helped me through the worst days and nights was having people in my life I could lean on whenever all hell broke loose. Right now, that'd be one of my farmer co-worker friends who's older than I am and has some good ideas about things, has some time-tested experience with a lot of stuff. He's always been supportive whenever I'm down about things, and he has a DIY'er sense about a lot of stuff like home construction or vehicle issues. He's not always a silver bullet and has a sour attitude at times, but he can be a clutch shot when it's necessary. Try to find someone like that if you can. Besides that, I've learned that keeping a journal of contractor correspondence helps a lot, too. I've managed to basically manage a private blog with contractor company names, the reps I interacted with on the dates and times we spoke or exchanged messages, and whatever quotes they provided along with any and all info they gave me whenever we last communicated. I try to organize the entries by contractor, then by by dated entries, that way I know what was said, when, with whom, and what might be expected thereafter if the last communique consisted of arrangements for a project. You wouldn't believe how helpful it's been, and best of all, it's helped me weed out the turds and discover real diamonds in the contractor rough.
You probably do things like this, but in case you don't, consider getting in the habit of it. It'll help a lot.
One more thing to chew on: whenever you feel anxious about things pertaining to your house, try to transform that anxiety into useful energy by using it as your queue to start planning for contractor visits. You don't have to purchase services for simple quote visits. It doesn't cost any money for the quote visits, and during those visits, you can get TONS of helpful information. At the very least, it helps you know whether a contractor is lame because if they try to charge you for a quote visit, that tells you that you shouldn't use them. At best, contractor visits like that can provide you with confidence and peace-of-mind if they look at things and decide that you don't have any emergency issues. If they do see major problems, chances are they'll offer up some solutions that you can later use to leverage other contractors with for better deals. Use the contractors against each other. Ha.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2023
Posts: 267
Definitely some good ideas re contractors. In some ways the falling apart house is a distraction from some of the other feeling I am having about rejection and loss. However, in other moments I feel completely incapable of dealing with these things. It’s an older home on a big lot and the grass needs cutting and all this other crap that I don’t want to deal with. It’s like an added stress on top of the other stress. When it rains it pours apparently.
I also don’t have a lot of money for all these repairs. I wasn’t anticipating being single income. The quote for the sump pump alone was $2,400. And snow plow $800.00. Also need a portion of the roof re done. So dealing with this while dealing with my hurt feeling has been utter shite.
I want to sell the house but I won’t get back what I paid and interest rates are so terrible I am not sure I could get a good enough rate to qualify to buy something else. Trying to be grateful that I have a roof over my head but…..guess I am feeling sorry for myself.
I also don’t have a lot of money for all these repairs. I wasn’t anticipating being single income. The quote for the sump pump alone was $2,400. And snow plow $800.00. Also need a portion of the roof re done. So dealing with this while dealing with my hurt feeling has been utter shite.
I want to sell the house but I won’t get back what I paid and interest rates are so terrible I am not sure I could get a good enough rate to qualify to buy something else. Trying to be grateful that I have a roof over my head but…..guess I am feeling sorry for myself.
Want to form an alliance? :.)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 220
Trying to be grateful that I have a roof over my head but…..guess I am feeling sorry for myself.
Specifics aside, that sump quote sounds like it might be way too much. Was that a quote for the installation of an exit line, too? I.e. - the line that the pump pumps water out into? If so, that might explain some of it because then you'd be looking at some minor excavation work and plumbing. But depending on your yard, you might be able to cut that in half if you can just route a pipe out into your yard somewhere where the water can use gravity to be pumped away from the property.
You might also be able to "get by" for awhile by getting some roofing tar to slather onto wherever water might be coming in. Whenever you're feeling up to it, try to see if you can find some spots where you might be thinking the rain is coming in at and apply a liberal amount of roofing tar at that spot. That could buy you some time to save up for a more permanent approach, and remember: roofers *can* replace a row of shingles; just because you have a leak doesn't mean the whole roof needs to be re-shingled.
But what's up with this snow plow situation? Do you live in the mountains or some place where major amounts of snow tend to cause problems?
Sounds like you need a break with things. So, do what you can when you can, but then leave everything for the next day. Take it one day at a time for awhile and don't beat yourself up too much. Sounds like you've been through a lot. It's okay to feel a little sad about it. Have a good cry, but just don't let it fester into anything beyond that. At least, try not to.
One day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2023
Posts: 267
I live in Canada - and it’s in the country and the driveway is big. So I may as well be living in the mountains. Snow starts as early as October and you don’t see a thaw until April. Although climate change had been making it a little weird.
The quote did include the line out. We had a major power outage due to an ice storm that lasted several days and I had to run a generator to keep the sump pump going. It sucked.
I need to move south I think…
I think i am falling into a depression. I cry multiple times a day and it the pain and panic feel unrelenting. I went through something similar ten years ago and was prescribed Ativan. The only reason I don’t want to talk to a doctor is because I can’t talk about things without breaking down.
The quote did include the line out. We had a major power outage due to an ice storm that lasted several days and I had to run a generator to keep the sump pump going. It sucked.
I need to move south I think…
I think i am falling into a depression. I cry multiple times a day and it the pain and panic feel unrelenting. I went through something similar ten years ago and was prescribed Ativan. The only reason I don’t want to talk to a doctor is because I can’t talk about things without breaking down.
Want to form an alliance? :.)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 220
The only reason I don’t want to talk to a doctor is because I can’t talk about things without breaking down.
I can only suggest allowing yourself to talk to someone knowing you might break down. I know talking to someone might be a scary, but it might be exactly what you need.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2023
Posts: 267
I was raised in a very stoic home. Emotions are private and meant to be dealt with alone. No dramatics.
While this can be good on some fronts - it has made it extremely difficult to talk about how I feel. And embarrassed to cry in front of people.
I also feel like maybe I sound like a broken record and don’t want to annoy people.
While this can be good on some fronts - it has made it extremely difficult to talk about how I feel. And embarrassed to cry in front of people.
I also feel like maybe I sound like a broken record and don’t want to annoy people.
Want to form an alliance? :.)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 220
I think one thing that's important for you in your situation(s) is that you're cognizant of how your upbringing contributed to your adulthood's emotional/intellectual psychology. As long as you're aware of the psychological affect it's had (or that you're aware of it basically "honing" you into having those kinds of preconceived notions about things like cowardice or weakness, et al), then it means you can control it. So, in times when you're expected to confront personal, sensitive, scary subjects in your life where you have the assistance of, say, a psychiatrist or a psychologist, and if you feel that during those times, you're welling up with tears, then it's at those moments that you need to remember how it's okay to let it all out. In all likelihood, that could be part of your healing process. In fact, your concerns about all of this would absolutely qualify as being subject matter worth discussing with someone credentialed in these things, which is all the more reason to try and see if a way exists for you to do that. Have you tried that? If so, did you have any luck? If not, could it be because you didn't find the right person to reach out to in order to discuss your situations with? (I only ask this because it's pretty common that some people have bad experiences with counseling but give up on it entirely whenever they find that the person they spoke to wasn't helpful when instead, they should've kept searching for a different person to reach out to for assistance.) In other words, sometimes it takes a couple different people to "try out" before we find that one special psychiatrist or psychologist, counselor, whoever, that seems to make the mental-emotional pieces...fit...and when we do, it can honestly be a life-changing experience.
You and I both know that crying isn't a sign of something like cowardice or weakness. Now, I will say this: if you're bawling over things like Monday morning's newspaper being ruined simply because the paperboy delivered it in a thunderstorm without using any kind of plastic sleeve to protect it with, then that could be a different story. I mean, don't get me wrong: a ruined newspaper sucks, but it's not normally something to cry over, right? In such situations, there's a chance that there could be a hormone imbalance of some kind if you find yourself doing things like that a lot, but whether a hormone issue exists or something else that's more mental-emotional, it's all the more reason to discuss things like this with someone who's trained in these kinds of things. Some kind of medical professional. (And obviously, it should all go without saying that we all need help in life sometimes and that there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, regardless of specifics involved. Sometimes we just need someone to chat with, other times we might need medicine. Or, like both you and I, sometimes we just need a damn sump pump fixed. Ha. Regardless, I'd say that those who take it upon themselves to get help for things like this stuff we're discussing in this, are people to admire as not everyone has what it takes to confront their existential situations. Brave people do that and that's worth patting yourself on the back for.)
You and I both know that crying isn't a sign of something like cowardice or weakness. Now, I will say this: if you're bawling over things like Monday morning's newspaper being ruined simply because the paperboy delivered it in a thunderstorm without using any kind of plastic sleeve to protect it with, then that could be a different story. I mean, don't get me wrong: a ruined newspaper sucks, but it's not normally something to cry over, right? In such situations, there's a chance that there could be a hormone imbalance of some kind if you find yourself doing things like that a lot, but whether a hormone issue exists or something else that's more mental-emotional, it's all the more reason to discuss things like this with someone who's trained in these kinds of things. Some kind of medical professional. (And obviously, it should all go without saying that we all need help in life sometimes and that there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, regardless of specifics involved. Sometimes we just need someone to chat with, other times we might need medicine. Or, like both you and I, sometimes we just need a damn sump pump fixed. Ha. Regardless, I'd say that those who take it upon themselves to get help for things like this stuff we're discussing in this, are people to admire as not everyone has what it takes to confront their existential situations. Brave people do that and that's worth patting yourself on the back for.)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,496
I think Wolf is very wise.
And I do think you sound like you might be depressed, and there is NO shame in crying to a doctor. None. Do you have a GP you could call? s
And I do think you sound like you might be depressed, and there is NO shame in crying to a doctor. None. Do you have a GP you could call?
sMember
Join Date: Sep 2023
Posts: 267
I am depressed. I do have a doctors I don’t know why I am resisting reaching out.
I guess talking about it out loud makes it feel more real. I don’t even know. I don’t understand myself in a lot of ways.
wolf is wise. You all seem so wise.
I guess talking about it out loud makes it feel more real. I don’t even know. I don’t understand myself in a lot of ways.
wolf is wise. You all seem so wise.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
